A pirate is transported to modern day and stumbles upon a lumber mill while looking for work. When the pirate is asked if he knows how to use any of the tools...

He replies, "Arkansas".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dominant_Dankster
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14
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My friend found a sturdy piece of lumber to place within his guitar to improve the vibrations...

It was a soundboard

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24
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As part of my superstitious nature, I only insult buildings made of lumber.

I constantly knock on wood.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gaudiocomplex
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06
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Me and my friends first day as a lumber jack

Me: Hey mate wood you mind if I ask a question

My friend: sure, axe your question

Me: I’m making an account on timber (tinder) can you help me?

My friend: sure just put you’re username etc. (you know the basic stuff) and then if you ever get a new phone you could just log in

Me: sweet

Ik this is bad I never make puns also I don’t mind criticism

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2019
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It's fascinating viewing the data over humanity's exponential consumption of lumber over time.

It is presented, of course, as a log log log.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NessaSola
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
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I would like to no what this has to do with lumber
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LittleTimmy29
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2019
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Consider me lumber

Cuz I’m bored

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jollyben
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2019
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I work at a hardware store with a saw. The manager says, β€œlumber is going to hate me! I fixed the saw last night.”

Queue me enthusiastically from my desk, β€œso what you’re saying is, you saw’ved all their problems?!”

They hate my humor.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mapkar
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2018
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You paid HOW much for that lumber at Home Depot?! Well, you know what they say..

Wood doesn't grow on trees.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mlorimer1
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2019
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My Home Depot Manager got us together for serious store meeting. He asked who was breaking all the lumber in the wood aisle.

Me: (tightening my black belt) I don’t know but he must be pretty strong.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ImVladimirPutin
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2018
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What is it called when you use lumber in Medicinal practice?

Tree-tment

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MDVAME
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2018
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Did you hear about the lumber jack that got fired for cutting down too many trees?

He saw too much

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2018
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I've been cutting lumber for a tourist viewpoint over the bays in Norway

One could say I've been pining for the fjords

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πŸ‘€︎ u/belly_bell
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2018
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Lumber support

Dadjoked the wife with this one:

http://imgur.com/ctLkauq

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πŸ‘€︎ u/technician218
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2014
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At the lumber yard....

Dad: I'm building a deck, I'm here to get some 2x4s Guy: how long ya need it? Dad: Well I'm hoping it'll last at least a few years

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LiquidAsylum
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2013
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I was going to put a joke on here about carpentry.

But i didn't think it wood work.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 25
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Can trees walk?

Nope. They lumber.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/paulpapedesigns
πŸ“…︎ May 18
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What do you call a logger who's ripped?

Lumber-jacked.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jayce_likes_beans
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06
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The T-Rex lumbered over the ridge and looked down at the numerous plant-eaters grazing in the lush, green valley. "This place is familiar," he said,

"I've eaten herbivore."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KyOatey
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2017
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I just stole a bunch of wood from Home Depot

It was a lumber jack

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 06
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Why did the chair break when a plank fell on it?

It had no lumber support

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PinkAnenome
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2019
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Walking into Lowes with my father in-law, he got my brother in-law and I good.

As we are getting close to walking into the store we walk past three gentlemen standing outside and one of them is holding some lumber. My father in-law looks at them and says "Must be having an important board meeting, carry on gentlemen".

We died laughing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Praefectus27
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2019
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Why do we have all these shade trees?

Fo' rest.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/spizzat2
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2019
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Trees must be really releafed during the spring time.
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πŸ“…︎ May 25 2017
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Quick. I need to know a type of fluid that comes from a tree.

ASAP

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2017
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How do dryads move through the forest?

They Lumber.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jc_323
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2018
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My dad's favorite

My dad loves to build. Every few years he takes on a new major construction project; an addition on his house, a huge workshop, something. When he goes to buy lumber he always tries to set the salesman up for this doozy:

Dad: "I'm going to need three dozen 2x4s."

Salesman: "Sure. How long do you need them?"

Dad: "I'm going to need them a long time, I'm building an addition on my house."

(Edit: Structure and spelling (thanks DJUrsus)).

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πŸ‘€︎ u/-ClarkNova-
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2014
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Didn't realize it was a Dad Joke until too late...

A little context: I'm driving around in Yellowstone with my dad and my girlfriend. My dad went on a three week cross country ski winter camping trip when he was 17 in Yellowstone. We are currently talking about whether or not it is important to carry bear spray.

Dad: "Did I ever tell you about that time I woke up a bear on my ski trip?"

Me: "What?! No, that's crazy, what happened?"

Dad: "Well, we were skiing through an open field when we hear a rumbling from about 100 yards behind us, and we turn back and there's a huge bear, and he looks at us and starts lumbering in our direction. At the time, I was with this girl who was not a very good skier, but we were pretty sure black bears can't climb trees, so we start hustling towards the woods. So I'm pulling her along and this bear is gaining on us but we get to the closest climbable tree and the bear is still 50 yards back. Like I said, she wasn't a very good skier, or really very coordinated in general, so I help boost her up int

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pipore22
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2014
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Don't make your bed everyday!

That's a waste of lumber!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mr-gem-524
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2017
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My grandpa's joke in the hardware store

My dad told me this, one of my grandpa's old jokes.

When he went into the hardware store to buy lumber, he would ask for some 2x4's. When the guy at the desk asked how long he wanted them, he would say "Oh a long time, we're building a deck"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kjenkins15
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2016
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Lowe's: A place for dads

At Lowe's volunteering my truck to move some lumber that a friend is using to make his girlfriend shelves. He and I are standing with the boards, distracting her kids while she settles up at the counter. Among the continuous babble from her youngest was "I'm thirsty." Simultaneously from three directions around him, my friend and I and a passing Lowe's employee:

"Hi thirsty, I'm Mike!" "Hi thirsty, I'm Dave!" "Hi thirsty, I'm Neil!"

We all shared a moment while mom shot us the most exhausted and disappointed look I've ever seen.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BubbaFeets
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2014
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Dad Jokes on Halloween.

My buddy and I (John and Matt) were both dressed up as "Lumberjacks" for Halloween. Typical Flannels, Suspenders, Denim Pants, Wool Hats, and Beards. Our friend's kids come up and say they've never seen Lumberjacks before. We told them we haven't seen any Lumberjacks today, we're "LumberMatt" and "LumberJohn". They didn't enjoy it at much as we did.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kleeh
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2014
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Got dadjoked at work today

I work at in a lumber yard and a customer got me today. I asked an older gentleman today if he was looking for anything specific. He told me he was looking for a 2 by 4 and asked if we cut them. I told him that we do and asked how long he wanted it. He said "well it's going in my wall so I'd like it for a long time." I groaned but got him back when I cut it. I cut it twice, looked at him and said "I don't know what happened, I cut it twice and it's still too short." We had a good laugh.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jkeezay
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2014
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