What do the chefs call that one counter where all the veggies are kept?

Vegetable

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chashme_Wali
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
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My dad cut himself while getting veggies

We got some bloody tomatoes

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Iwantmahandback
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
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Where do veggies go after they get off the airplane?

To Cabbage Claim!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/oatli
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
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What did the other veggies say to the tomato after they passed him in a race?

β€œLooks like you need to ketchup”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DNAdrian95
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2020
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Just some sad veggies
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πŸ‘€︎ u/coss67
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
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Veggies jokes

I dont know a veggable joke yet.

If you do lettuce know

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πŸ‘€︎ u/birddudeid
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2019
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How did John and Yoko get their son to eat his veggies?

"Sean, all we are saying is give peas a chance."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/norrisrw
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2019
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Violent Veggies
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πŸ‘€︎ u/switzerswift
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2019
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Eat your veggies
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πŸ‘€︎ u/indominuscat
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2019
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What do you call a bunch of green veggies and Dr. Strange’s first line?

Cue-Cumberbatch

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πŸ‘€︎ u/marvinli
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
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Fruits and veggies

Orange you glad I came up with these grape and un-beet-able puns? Cauliflower (call a flower) shop. In celebration! It’s just bananas, and will drive you coco and nuts!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jmiddleton6
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2018
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A guest asked about our selection of grilled veggies

Fiancee: Let's see: summer squash...

Me: ...and some aren't!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crgk
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2016
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Where do garden veggies go to find a date?

e-Hominy.com

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πŸ‘€︎ u/goat_chortle
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2017
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I can't wait for the new Veggietales movie. I hear it covers WW2 including Canadian Bacon, French Bread, Spanish Wine, American Roasts, British Root Veggies, and Nazi Sausages.

I'm not saying I'll watch it. But there's been wurst casting.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CaughtInthePocket
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2015
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Veggies

Mom explained what was in the stir fry she just cooked up.

"Trust me, you'll like what's in it: summer vegetables".

Dad -- "And summer not".

he he he

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PestoPRESTO
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2013
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Eat your veggies!

My wife had cooked a lovely dinner of porkchops, rice and asparagus. I took a pretty big portion of everything but managed to eat it all.

I go to take some more veggies, when my wife asks me "Are you really going to eat that too?"

I replied, "I might not, but...meh...never hurts to have a spare I guess......"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chaosmonkey
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2015
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Soudahsellsdotcom
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2019
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Have any of you been to Infront Veggie Apartment?

It’s the opposite of Outback Steak House.

My 12 year old daughter Ruby made it up so... not exactly a dad joke.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/watercolorfiddle
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
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What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?

Don't buy any kind of fungi. They take up too mushroom.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrobeOfWar
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
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What's the only root veggie that comes with a warning?

Butternut squash

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
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What is the drummer’s favorite veggie?

It’s the beet yo.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Banhgiaygio
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2020
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Finally figured why non-vegetarians don’t eat veggie pizza

It just doesn’t meat their expectations

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sunteu314casso
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2019
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Why did the Veggie Patty refuse to cross the road?

To prove it wasn't chicken.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GracefulSlumber
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2018
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Crash_86
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2014
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What's Julian Assange's favorite veggie?

The leek!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/all_three_bolth
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2017
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Here's one my Dad said when we were discussing a veggie patch.

Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Arzetaire
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2013
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Dad joked by my toddler....a proud day

Wife made asian food for dinner last night, Tofu/Rice/Veggies/Chicken Wontons.

Toddler is killing the wontons and we teach him how to say "wonton" so he can ask for more correctly.

As he's stuffing another piece into his mouth I ask him "hey bubba, do you like wontons?"

To which my son replies, "No..like twotons"

My son's first joke and it's a dad joke...i'm just so proud lol....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jaheiner
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2019
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I don't carrot all if you don't like it...
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
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Today a girl said she recognized me from vegetarian club.

However I’m sure I’ve never met herbivore.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AndreT_NY
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2016
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While making lunch today I was pretending to be on a cooking show

"First we take the tortilla and lay it out. Then we add the sliced meat, and veggies, dressing it with the red sauce by Franks. Add the cheese and fold it in on itself".....

"Ok, that's a Wrap"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CrispyCritter83
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2019
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The quality of this sub has gotten worse.

I mean, the veggies on it are starting to turn different colors and the bread has gotten stale. How can anyone eat this sub?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_Abadah
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2014
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What's the scariest vegetable?

A Ghost Pepper!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zortor
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2018
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What does the vegan Australian eat?

Veggie, mate.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/f_tothe_p
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2018
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This is my favourite sub

6 Inch Veggie Patty on Italian Herb and Cheese with lettuce, olives, sweetcorn, guerkins, jalepenos, and Southwest Sauce.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nhexus
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2015
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I heard that they figured out how to break down and process corn and make it into plastic-like furniture.

Soon you will be able to purchase your very own veggie-table.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2017
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Where do the vegetable animals live?

Cutting up veggies for my daughters, I asked: Where do vegetables go to visit the vegetable animals?

...

The zucchini!

They didn't laugh

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nerd_of_gods
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2015
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This conversation between my (ex)gf.

Long post is long:

Her: Remember dad's tomato bushes? Well they're attacking! At least one is leaning across the path trying to get at my window... We had the war of the roses, now its time for the attack of the tomatoes!

Me: I don't remember anything about tomato bushes. From one battle to the next.

Her: Yep! Lookout tomatoes here comes the chutney recipe!

Me: I can just imagine a cucumber campaign. Operation onion would be next, which will fail, causing everyone to cry. Dill Day follows, a great success for the allied gardeners. All too soon though, the kamikaze carrots set in, utterly ruining the radish raid. The mushroom maneuver is employed, saving the troops, allowing them to deal the final blow in the asparagus assault!

Her: Don't forget the pumpkins want to supply ground cover with heavy support...

Me: Ah yes, the pumpkin paratroopers.

Her: Thyme is running out...

Me: Prepare the beetroot bombs!!!

Her: Aim for Potato Garden!

Me: Fire the capsicum! Deploy the celery team!

Her: Bring in the egg plant division to support the capsicum!

Me: This is it boys, life or dirt! I want a passionfruit unit to find us a vantage point, and the strawberry unit to surround them!

Her: We had better bring the lettuce up to date!

Me: The cabbage are under withering fire, we need support from the raspberry division! The potatoes are mashed, so well need to send the zucchini in their place!

Her: The zucchini can't take that heavy fire, they'll be grated. Send spinach for some extra iron. The sweet potatoes are digging in at the ridge.

Me: Prepare the watermelon bomb, we need to finish this! The eggplant were squashed, deploy the broccoli brigade! The beans need to get out of there, or they'll be split!

Her: Cauliflowers are going in to retrieve the beans. How brave to risk their florets!

The corn commandos are deployed, but the artichokes are all out of heart, we need to boost morale.

Me: The leeks are down! They'll be flattened if we don't do something!

Are the spinach still operational?

Her: Too bad the pepper isn't on our side, they're well seasoned troops.

Spinach is a go!
Nothing has touched it...

Me: But wait! We still have the chillies to give them heavy fire!

Her: And the squashes and peas!

Me: The ginger is holding it's ground, but it's being cut down by the pineapple!

The basil should make things interesting, send them to aid the potatoes.

**Her:

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zokoro
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2017
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My son just bumped his head [help]

OK, this just happened: bumped head, bag of frozen veggies, < enter dad stage left (the doorway, stage right is a window, and it's shut).>

Me: what happened little man? Him: <he explains> Me: So... mummy peed on your head? <Wife smirks condescendingly> Him: what?

Now, this is what I need help with, it's not the first time this has happened either, the wife goes on for a minute or so explaining how "wee" is sometimes called "pee" and how I'm deliberately misunderstanding him for comic effect.

If this wasn't bad enough he then howls with laughter for about five minutes getting me to repeat what I said again and again, all the while jumping around in the bed and generally totally cured by my comedic genius.

This isn't the way it's meant to be, is it? Can I enrol in a local parenting class, or should I send my wife to couples therapy?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/created4this
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2016
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My son asked me what I was eating for lunch

I replied, I am eating my veggie tables.

He said, Be sure and chair them.

We both got a kick out of how stupid we are! :)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Darqflame
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2015
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Got my kid while cooking Thanksgiving dinner

She asked why I was microwaving the sweet potatoes instead of putting them in the oven and I told her that the turkey was in there, and I still needed to use the oven for the dressing, the veggies, and then the pie.

"Wow, there's a long waiting list for the oven!" she exclaimed.

I replied, "Yep, guess you could say it's the hot place to be tonight."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thrifty917
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2015
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All out of Agus

Had some food from the grill tonight, including grilled veggies.

Wife asked me to hand her the plate with the veggies for seconds. I told her there was some spare zucchini, but we didn't have a spare agus.

All around the table there were groans, except my step dad who thought it was hilarious.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThatMitchJ
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2014
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At the dinosaur park.

My family and I were trying to teach my little brother about herbivores and carnivores, so when we would look at a dinosaur we would ask him, "What do you think this dinosaur ate?" and he would answer. We got to one dinosaur and my mom says "What do you think this one was? Veggies or meat?" My dad then answers, "I'm no dinosaur expert but I'm thinking it was made out of meat." My dad and I shared a good laugh but my mom was not amused.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Xioola
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2013
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i need help fellow r/puns residents i need to come up with 80’s themed puns for a veggie tray and chocolate mouse

Edit: I was not born in the 80’s I will not get any of the references

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yaboi_15
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2019
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Did you hear about the time John and Yoko tried to get their son to eat his veggies?

They said, "Sean, all we are saying is give peas a chance."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/norrisrw
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2019
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