Squash the beef
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RFSDQ
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
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This time of year we switch out our old decorative squash for a new one -

It's the traditional changing of the gourd.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/justryingtokeepup
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
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I had no idea my wife put a fake mustache on the squash

When I went to grab it, it caught me off gourd.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/oof_oofo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
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I made a fiddle from a squash yesterday...

... i think it's broken, it only plays gourd vibrations.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/large__father
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2019
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I work at an Italian restaurant that sells squash in strands like spaghetti

I think it's an inpasta

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ianlucky13
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2019
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You know why I hate butternut squash?

I always get the butt

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πŸ‘€︎ u/drunk98
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
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What did the squash say to the watermelon?

You butternut squash me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/demotrek
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2019
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When someone is flirting with you by offering squash

You are being Sejuiced

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EarthPhl
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2019
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I can't eat squash...

...I'm allergic to onomatopoetic food.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Longlive_newflesh
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2019
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A squash was killed this week.

Witness accounts say he was gourd to death.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/blacksheep26
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2018
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My son says he wants to grow squash when he gets older..

Me: "Really? you'll probably be gourd out of your mind"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jchabotte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2015
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Breaking: LEGO man gets squashed to death.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ggfchl
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
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Two tomatoes crossed the street. One got squashed by a car, the other one passed it and said:

"ketchup"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/darkJT
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
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What did the grape say when it got squashed ?

Nothing, it just let out a little wine

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
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What do you get if Godzilla steps on a bar?

Pub Squash!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DecIsMuchJuvenile
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
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What does a grape say when it's squashed?

Nothing, it just lets out a little wine.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2020
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How does a vegetable win a fight ?

With carrot-y

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
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I’m reading a book about these two melons that have a forbidden love. They’ve tried to run away together many times, but are caught every time.

It seems that no matter how hard they try, they just can’t-elope

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FunkyFaz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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Did you hear about the new Smashing Pumpkins cover band?

They call themselves Squished Squash!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VerbalAcrobatics
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
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What's the only root veggie that comes with a warning?

Butternut squash

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
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What do you get when you cross a vegetable patch with a dinosaur?

Squash

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πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
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Someone hit my leg with a tub of lard.

Honestly, I'm just glad it wasnt a butternut squash.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kayneargand
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2020
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If two vegans are having an argument, is it still considered beef?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2019
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I work in security, and i want to get a pumpkin for my desk

It shall be a security gourd

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brad_Barracuda
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2019
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To funny not to share
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PachaFerrera
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2017
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Must've forgot my gourd again
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jonnydoe345
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2019
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Very proud of my five year old daughter. My wife screamed with a sound of absolute terror while in the shower earlier. I find out that she saw a few hairs together, thought it was a giant bug, and temporarily lost her mind. My daughter asked why she screamed...

...so I told her that her mom saw a few hairs fall out of her head and freaked out.

My daughter responds, completely deadpan, "mom had rabbits falling out of her head?"

She's going to be a great dad one day.

Edit: skipped a word

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LeftHandedToe
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2018
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I work at Walmart and found a bunch of zucchini in with the hamburger.

Talk about squashing some beef

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JeffUhl
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2020
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Sorry kids - we won't be carving pumpkins this year

Sorry to squash your enthusiasm

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrYogurt1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2019
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Plz halp, I need as many vegetable puns as possible ASAP, the epic vegetable pun battle of the century is now being waged and I am quickly running out of ammo while the enemy shows no signs of retreat
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GoofyGoober1999
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2018
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What was the pumpkin’s favorite sport?

Squash.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2019
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My girlfriend just decided to go and be a vegetarian

It's like I never knew herbivore.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/m_aurelius
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2015
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Do competitive origami artists fold under pressure?
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2015
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What did the perverted pumpkin use for his pick-up line?

Hey gourd-geous! Wanna go back to my place and squash?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/grizzlyblur
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
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I've no problem with people dressing up as a red vegetable, as long as you beetroot to yourself.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2018
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Why was the DJ no longer allowed at the vegetable hospital?

He kept dropping sick beets.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JinglesRasco
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2016
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Why did the pirate have a pumpkin strapped to his arm?

He was a squash-buckler

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pikk
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2019
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What's a bug's most hated vegetable?

Squash.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PluvioBlue
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2019
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Just when I thought my day couldn't get any worse...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/orion726
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2018
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A guest asked about our selection of grilled veggies

Fiancee: Let's see: summer squash...

Me: ...and some aren't!

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crgk
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2016
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What happened to the pumpkin when a man stepped on it?

It got squashed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MckiesDickies
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2018
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Peas forgive the Facebook post.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/probrian
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2014
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What do you call a flat pumpkin?

Squash!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Adolph_Fritz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2017
🚨︎ report
What was the pumpkin’s favorite sport?

Squash.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2019
🚨︎ report
What was the pumpkin’s favorite sport?

Squash.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2019
🚨︎ report
What was the pumpkin’s favorite sport?

Squash.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2019
🚨︎ report
What is a pumpkins favorite sport?

Squash

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cheerfulsith
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2019
🚨︎ report

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