I made a fiddle from a squash yesterday...

... i think it's broken, it only plays gourd vibrations.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/large__father
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2019
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i once tried to squash a can of coke.

the end result was soda-pressing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LilPianoBoi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2019
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You know why I hate butternut squash?

I always get the butt

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πŸ‘€︎ u/drunk98
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
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I work at an Italian restaurant that sells squash in strands like spaghetti

I think it's an inpasta

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ianlucky13
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2019
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When someone is flirting with you by offering squash

You are being Sejuiced

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EarthPhl
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2019
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What did the squash say to the watermelon?

You butternut squash me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/demotrek
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2019
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I can't eat squash...

...I'm allergic to onomatopoetic food.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Longlive_newflesh
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2019
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A squash was killed this week.

Witness accounts say he was gourd to death.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/blacksheep26
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2018
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My son says he wants to grow squash when he gets older..

Me: "Really? you'll probably be gourd out of your mind"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jchabotte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2015
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What did the grape say when it got squashed ?

Nothing, it just let out a little wine

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ May 16
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What does a grape say when it's squashed?

Nothing, it just lets out a little wine.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 21
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If two vegans are having an argument, is it still considered beef?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2019
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I work in security, and i want to get a pumpkin for my desk

It shall be a security gourd

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brad_Barracuda
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2019
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I work at Walmart and found a bunch of zucchini in with the hamburger.

Talk about squashing some beef

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JeffUhl
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20
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Sorry kids - we won't be carving pumpkins this year

Sorry to squash your enthusiasm

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrYogurt1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2019
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What was the pumpkin’s favorite sport?

Squash.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2019
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Must've forgot my gourd again
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jonnydoe345
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2019
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To funny not to share
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PachaFerrera
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2017
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Very proud of my five year old daughter. My wife screamed with a sound of absolute terror while in the shower earlier. I find out that she saw a few hairs together, thought it was a giant bug, and temporarily lost her mind. My daughter asked why she screamed...

...so I told her that her mom saw a few hairs fall out of her head and freaked out.

My daughter responds, completely deadpan, "mom had rabbits falling out of her head?"

She's going to be a great dad one day.

Edit: skipped a word

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LeftHandedToe
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2018
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Plz halp, I need as many vegetable puns as possible ASAP, the epic vegetable pun battle of the century is now being waged and I am quickly running out of ammo while the enemy shows no signs of retreat
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GoofyGoober1999
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2018
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What did the perverted pumpkin use for his pick-up line?

Hey gourd-geous! Wanna go back to my place and squash?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/grizzlyblur
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
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Why did the pirate have a pumpkin strapped to his arm?

He was a squash-buckler

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pikk
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2019
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My girlfriend just decided to go and be a vegetarian

It's like I never knew herbivore.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/m_aurelius
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2015
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I've no problem with people dressing up as a red vegetable, as long as you beetroot to yourself.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2018
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What's a bug's most hated vegetable?

Squash.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PluvioBlue
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2019
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Do competitive origami artists fold under pressure?
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2015
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Just when I thought my day couldn't get any worse...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/orion726
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2018
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Why was the DJ no longer allowed at the vegetable hospital?

He kept dropping sick beets.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JinglesRasco
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2016
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What happened to the pumpkin when a man stepped on it?

It got squashed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MckiesDickies
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2018
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A guest asked about our selection of grilled veggies

Fiancee: Let's see: summer squash...

Me: ...and some aren't!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crgk
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2016
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Peas forgive the Facebook post.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/probrian
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2014
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What do you call a flat pumpkin?

Squash!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Adolph_Fritz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2017
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At work in a restaurant, the food runner dropped a to-go container for an order

So I said "You butternut squash it!"

And they still wouldn't send me home

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πŸ‘€︎ u/trent_pee
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2016
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This conversation between my (ex)gf.

Long post is long:

Her: Remember dad's tomato bushes? Well they're attacking! At least one is leaning across the path trying to get at my window... We had the war of the roses, now its time for the attack of the tomatoes!

Me: I don't remember anything about tomato bushes. From one battle to the next.

Her: Yep! Lookout tomatoes here comes the chutney recipe!

Me: I can just imagine a cucumber campaign. Operation onion would be next, which will fail, causing everyone to cry. Dill Day follows, a great success for the allied gardeners. All too soon though, the kamikaze carrots set in, utterly ruining the radish raid. The mushroom maneuver is employed, saving the troops, allowing them to deal the final blow in the asparagus assault!

Her: Don't forget the pumpkins want to supply ground cover with heavy support...

Me: Ah yes, the pumpkin paratroopers.

Her: Thyme is running out...

Me: Prepare the beetroot bombs!!!

Her: Aim for Potato Garden!

Me:

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zokoro
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2017
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What do you call a hairy pumpkin?

A Sas-squash.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/neutral_cadence
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2016
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Got my girlfriend with this one today

Her: Aww, someone ran over a pumpkin

Me: Looks like there were trying to make a squash.

Her: I hate you.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aberman_17
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2016
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Soup jokes.

Girlfriend: They have good butternut squash soup here. Me: Oh yeah? Is it better than mine? Girlfriend: Nope. Me: It butternut be!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PicklePillz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2016
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My dad got my ma earlier.

Ma: "cake must of got a bit squashed walking around town earlier." Dad: "What's a cake doing walking around town?"

He then proceeded to walk away laughing to himself while we all sighed .

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maou201
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2015
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Clever customer got me with this one

Just as a bit of background I work in the produce department stacking vegetables and such at a chain grocery store.

Today I was fixing up a display and dropped a squash onto the ground. Before I could bend over to get it a customer walked by and grabbed it and put it in her bag. I told her that she could have a different one if she wanted because it may have been damaged. But instead she walked away and turned to said "This one is already squashed so I guess it doesn't matter" and then laughed at her joke while continuing on, leaving me standing there, squash in hand wondering what just happened.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nptaylor
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2014
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The wife dadjoked me at Wal-Mart

We've been trying to eat healthier so we got a bunch of fresh produce at the store. I put some squash in the front of the basket where the coupons were and my wife said, "Oh man, you squashed my coupons."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/logosolos
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2014
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I couldn't resist my inner dad on a friend's garden post...

http://imgur.com/DspBxfM "I don't want to kale the mood, but sadly, my tomatoes didn't ketchup to yours. I think they bean squashed. Lettuce cue cumbersome thoughts so we can build courgettes! Bury them so they carrot in the ground: tuber or not to be, that is the question!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boraxus
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2015
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Oh my gourd...

My wife was ringing up a purchase at a craft store where the customer had purchased many fake pumpkins and other assorted decorative fruits for fall. As the customer unloaded her cart, the gourds kept piling higher, and my wife exclaimed, "I'm feeling a bit squashed!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IBreakCellPhones
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2014
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I Knew It Was Coming...

Sitting down to dinner:

Me: "Mom, what is this?"

Mom: "It's meatloaf, squash, and peas."

Dad (on cue): "You know what they say: there's nothing like a good pea."

Mom (rolling eyes, frowning): "Oh, Bob...."

Got me every. time.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2013
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What was the pumpkin’s favorite sport?

Squash.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2019
🚨︎ report
What was the pumpkin’s favorite sport?

Squash.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2019
🚨︎ report
What was the pumpkin’s favorite sport?

Squash.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2019
🚨︎ report
What is a pumpkins favorite sport?

Squash

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cheerfulsith
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2019
🚨︎ report

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