Sometimes it's just nice to be kneaded.
I replied, “Well that would stink.”
DOUGH!!!!!
Ketchup!
Nothing. It just let out a little whine.
My policy is zero taller ants.
He was in a lot of pane.
"Did you hear that"
"What?"
"The bee, when I squished it."
"What about it?"
"It made a funny sound, like a music tone... I think it was a B flat."
They call themselves Squished Squash!
I said "I bet it was so startled it milipeed it's pants'
Vel-crow
There once was a lumberjack who was known as the hardest working lumberjack in the woods. Old Doolittle Dawort Deigh had a reputation and the complete respect of his coworkers for nearly 60 years. As we all know, tough lumberjacks can’t have sissy names. So many years ago, as was the tradition in the woods, old Doolittle Dawort Deigh was saddled with a nickname and had become known as simply Do Dah.
One tragic afternoon, old Do Dah was working his trade when a tree happened to fall the wrong way. Poor old Do Dah was squished flatter than a lumberjack flapjack. His coworkers, distraught at the thought of breaking the news of Do Dah’s death to his elderly wife, decided that perhaps if bad news was presented in a somewhat good way, it might soften the blow.
So that afternoon, old Do Dah’s fellow lumberjacks gathered on the stoop of the now widowed Mrs. Deigh and hesitantly knocked on the door. It took a few minutes for the old widow to make it across the room to the door. Finally as the door creaked open, the chorus of lumberjacks launched into a rousing rendition of
♪ Guess who died in the woods today ♫ Do Dah, Do Dah. ♫ Guess who died in the woods today Old Do Dah Deigh. ♬
Any time there's an insect in my girlfriend's house she calls me over to handle it, usually to cup it and throw it outside. On this fine occasion I observed what looked like a very small roach (Order: Blattodea), possibly a german roach, the kind that are much less freaky huge but more likely to infest a house. Not wanting to take any chances with a german roach infestation, I immediately smashed the little guy instead of saving him.
My GF asks, "what was it? a roach?"
The body is pretty squished and it's hard to see any identifiable features.
I say, "I'm pretty sure it's a Splattodea"
Squish-crunch and Crunch-squish.
Two tomatoes were walking down the street. They decided to cross the road. On the way over, one of the tomatoes got squished by a car. The other yelled: "Come on, ketchup!".
.... The worst part is that he would tell me the joke in Danish (Our native tongue), so it took me YEARS to understand what the hell that joke was even about. He continues telling it to this day. Always with the bad pronounciation of ketchup.
And it's common to find döner and kebap as street food. After walking around a whole day with my friends, we found a 3 seat bench and squeezed all 4 of us on it. After we settled, I turned to my friends and said "Hehehe. 'Squish' kebap." Head shakes, groans, and "so bad, it's good" laughter followed.
So my wife is learning sign language in college and will come home excited about all the stuff she has learned and will try to teach me. The only thing I've retained so far is yes and no. So when I ask her something that she wants to say no to, she'll sign it (thumb, index, and middle finger spread out, and then closing, like squishing a bug). I'll reply to this with just the opposite, opening those three fingers. That is not the correct sign for yes, the correct sign is like knocking on a door. Well when she does that to correct me, I yell "Who's there?!"
She's going to divorce, I just know it.
My son and I are driving to work this morning. See something squished on the road ahead.
Son: What is that?
Son: A possum?
Me: Possum-bly...
Son: ...
This isn't a typical "dadjoke" post so bear with me... I think you'll appreciate the story.
So my wife and I were breaking down some cardboard boxes in front of our almost-3-year-old son. I put my face into one of the boxes as it was being flattened and said to my son "Oh no! My face is being squished!"
My wife was standing behind me so I couldn't see her reaction to my dadjoke. My son chuckled but my wife said, "Oh no!"
I asked her what was wrong and she said, "I rolled my eyes so hard that my contact [lens] went up in my eye!"
I told her she got what she deserved.
They kept getting squished by the ball.
My boyfriend got me this morning.
He was making silly faces, squishing his chin into his neck to make a bunch of neckrolls. He looked at me and said, "You love my neckrolls, though, right?" I replied, "Ohh yeah, I do!"
Then he nailed me, "Guess that makes you a neck-roll-pheliac."
Never thought I'd hear that one...
Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato and Baby Tomato are walking down the street. Baby Tomato starts lagging behind and Papa Tomato gets really angry. So he goes back and squishes him and goes 'catch up'
papa tomato, mama tomato and baby tomato. Baby tomato starts lagging behind and papa tomato gets really angry, goes back and squishes him and says…
KETCHUP!
