A Pad-Tie.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/onemohrtime
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
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Why did Chuck Norris wear knee pads?

He never liked Bruised Knee

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BucketsOLouis
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
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You know the d-pad on a controller right?

Well mine seems to be missing. It must have just downright up and left.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/habsfan1112
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2020
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When I was in the capital of South Korea, I bought new shoes pads...

I felt like a new man, walking about with my new inSeouls.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
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Pad Duns! :D
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stha118
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2019
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My son got into his mom's supply of pads and stuck them to the wall.

I called it a period piece.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Joey_the_Duck
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2019
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Why do hockey players wear so many pads?

Because they have 3 periods a game.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hoppedup82
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2018
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Skip Ad for Ski Pad
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kauntest
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2018
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There was a man protesting the sale of tall ladders by climbing one over 15’ and acting like he slipped and fell, landing in a bush that was secretly a soft-landing pad.

It was a anti-climb antic.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WhiteWalterBlack
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2018
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You know the d-pad on a controller right?

Mine seems to be missing, it must've just downright up and left.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/damndude11
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2016
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Pad your repertoire with these
  1. ARBITRAITOR A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's
  2. BERNADETTE The act of torching a mortgage.
  3. BURGLARIZE What a crook sees through
  4. AVOIDABLE What a bullfighter tries to do
  5. EYEDROPPER Clumsy ophthalmologist
  6. CONTROL A short, ugly inmate.
  7. COUNTERFEITER Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
  8. ECLIPSE What an English barber does for a living.
  9. LEFT BANK What the bank robbers did when their bag was full of money.
  10. HEROES What a man in a boat does
  11. PARASITES What you see from the Eiffel Tower
  12. PARADOX Two physicians
  13. PHARMACIST A helper on a farm
  14. POLARIZE What penguins see through
  15. PRIMATE Remove your spouse from in front of TV
  16. RELIEF What trees do in the spring
  17. RUBERNECK What you do to relax your wife
  18. SELFISH What the owner of a seafood store does
  19. SUDAFED Brought litigation against a government official
  20. PARADIGMS 20 cents
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πŸ‘€︎ u/David_Crockett
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2014
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Swiffer pads.

About a week ago, tonic water exploded out of the bottle as I was opening it, showering the kitchen. I was cleaning up, and decided to bust out the swiffer pad, because it's faster. (Heh.)

Anyway, this is the conversation that followed between my girlfriend and I.

> Her - Ugh those swiffer pads smell awful.

> Me - Really? Huh. I hadn't noticed.

> Her - Yeah, remind me to pick some up at the store.

A short silence.

> Me - Hey babe...?

> Her, leaving the room - I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU ARE REMINDING ME TO BUY SWIFFER PADS RIGHT NOW.

> Me - I'm not! Just wanted to say I love you.

> Her - Awww that is so sweet!

> Me - Also, remember to buy swiffer pads when you go to the store.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/theintention
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2014
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Keep safe during this pandemic and use an old padded bra to make yourself a comfortable mask. Just make sure you use the left cup...

Because if you use the right one you will look like a right tit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Astoran15
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2020
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Lazy Christmas morning, my wife is looking at the weather, says there will be periods of rain today.

I say, Damn! Do they make a pad for that? Without a pause, she says: Depends

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πŸ‘€︎ u/flylink63
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
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What do you call paper you can’t trust?

A sketch pad

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
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A Dutch pun
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LittleKidLover10
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2019
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Where do South American frogs live?

Chile Pad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ILikePVT
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
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Gandhi

Gandhi, by the time he died, he was a very thin and elderly man who had walked almost everywhere he went barefoot causing thick pads on the bottom of his feet. He was also an extremely wise man who many considered a seer, and he ate ethnic Indian cuisine causing bad breath........Turns out he was a super fragile calloused mystic hexed by halitosis.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aw8nf8
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
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What did Anakin say to his wife when he needed some paper?

Padme

(As in, pad of paper)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PonianYoutube
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
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If a mermaid with small boobs padded her bra, would they be called stuffed shells? reddit.com/r/NoStupidQues…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LboogiedB
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2018
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Not really a dad joke, but...

more like dad revelations. I was pulling up carpet and padding Sunday because we adopted two very rude Husky puppies last year that like to urinate in the house. As I was working, I was listening to Parliment Funkadelic on Pandora and I came to the realization that I was listening to P-Funk as I was dealing with pee funk.
Another thing that happened the same day was I took an opened bag of bird feed out of the closet to pull the carpet up and when I looked at it a bit later, I saw beetles all over the bag and crawling on the counter where I had set it. Probably 40 of the little suckers. I had to text my wife about that one. "Honey, I've got bad news. Our bag of bird feed has been infested with beetles. Yes, our bird feed has been infested with... more bird feed."
Anyway, just thought I would share. Carry on with the groaners.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpartanMonkey
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
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Long story about a tragedy that once happened to me.

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the porch out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.

Joseph had gotten big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend

Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.

In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mickerallen100
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
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My 7yo cousin told my dad this joke yesterday:

Context: Yesterday my dad and I were cruising around doing some father's day bonding. We see a big grassy field with some trees in it and he says, "That looks like a great place to play frisbee." I respond, "And an even better place to play frisbee golf!" (A game we made up where you throw frisbees around trees)

My cousin was quietly playing on her iPad when she responds, "That's hockey."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lindsbo
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
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I can’t Handel this.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2018
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I used to work as a chef and I had so many utensils that I rented a unit to keep them all in.

It was my spatula pad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
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Why did the cat decide to become a DJ?

He heard there was a lot of scratching involved.

I just texted this to my wife, and she told me to get away from her. xD

I came up with this one as I was looking at my son's mouse pad he got for christmas. https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B07DGXR859/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o04_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Boomkiller
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2019
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How does Pink order takeout?

I'm comin' up so you better get this pad-thai started.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mgsyzygy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2019
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Talking to god

So this man is talking to God and he says:

β€œGod, is it true that a million years is like a second to you?”

Then God says: β€œYes. A million years is like a second to me.”

Then the man says: β€œSo if a million years is like a second to you, is it true that a million dollars is like a penny for you?”

Then God said: β€œYes. A million dollars is like a penny to me.”

So the man says: β€œGod, can I please have a penny?”

Then God says: β€œYeah just give me a second.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lumber__Zach
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2018
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I asked my daughter if I could borrow a newspaper.

"This is the 21st century" she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad".

I can tell you this... That fly never knew what hit him...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FriedLime
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2019
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Got a new palm tree tattoo guys 🌴
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sockmonst3r
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2016
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What's the difference between a baby frog and a moths rent?

One's a tadpole, and the other is a pad toll.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PlloiJavex
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2019
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If i was an astronaut, before every mission i would sit down with my wife and tell her

"listen honey, its not that i want a divorce, i just think i need some space." Then i would put on my helmet and slow walk to the launch pad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ASpellingAirror
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2015
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Not so much a Dd joke, more a Grand-Dad joke.

When my Mum and her sisters were younger, in an attempt to keep them quiet for half an hour, he told them to sit down next to each other so he could do their portrait. Every now and again he would stop, look up and to ensure he had the correct scale, held out his thumb and squinted a little, then continued.

After half an hour they got restless and said "Are you done yet, let's see".

He turned the drawing pad around to show...a simple sketch of a thumb.

Not a Dad yet, but thankful to have this trick up my sleeve for when I am.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheCaptainOats
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2014
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What's it with Eminem and Dad jokes?

I mean... just look at those:

- Why has Gwen Stacy been on the web lately?

to spite her man. -River

- Why do you carry a Laptop in your back pocket?

Because rapping like a computer must be in my genes. - Rap God

- Why did Eminem blow?

All he did was throw f-bombs - Rap God

- Why did Eminem buy the rap game a maxi pad?

Because it's having a rough time period. - Rap God

- Why did Eminem look so shocked when he watched a church gathering take place?

He was witnessing a mass occur. - Rap God

- How could Eminem poop Jerusalem?

Because his shit is real. - Caterpillar

- Why is Eminem so ill-behaved?

He's got a couple of mansions, but still no mannors. - Lucky You

And these are just a select few.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DenaPhoenix
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2019
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Do you know why girls hate hockey?

Because they have to change their pads after every period

(Another joke courtesy of my father, he’s 2 for 2 tonight)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Primusmulti
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
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Found out last night that my 7 year old son is a dad

On our last day of a three day trip at Disneyland, my 7 year old revealed his inner father to my wife.

>wife: This backpack is good but could use more shoulder padding.

Son, with a shit eatin' grin, walks up and pats her on the shoulders.

I have never been so proud.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jessesc123
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2014
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Shouldn't NASA's company cafeteria be named ...

The Lunch Pad?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tallpapab
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2016
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Dadjoked my dad

My dad was having a hard time deciding if he should let his new mattress pad air out before putting it on his bed. I said "Well, why don't you sleep on it?".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mariyahyfr
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2014
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Why do bears have hairy coats?

Fur protection

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chriscamano09
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2014
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Landed this on the 'Genius' in the Apple store...

Took my iMac in because the hard disc failed. The machine is 6 yrs old so I was made to feel embarrassed coz it was 'vintage and obsolete, Apple don't carry parts and can't help'. I was becoming a bit pissed off at the attitude I was getting then more pissed off when Mr Genius started to tell me to buy some suction pads that glaziers use to carry sheets of glass around, pull out the screen, undo 18 screws etc etc to change the disc myself. That's when I hit him with...

"Glaziers' suction pads? I thought they were only compatible with windows"

He didn't even flinch. Just completely ignored it and carried on sneering at me for having the audacity to be using an old machine. I left feeling like a piece of shit with only pride in my joke keeping me going.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/smithmf
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2016
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I sewed my dad's hand up after a glass related incident. After an hour or two and a couple drinks, I hear him yelling downstairs, "I FOUND AN IPAD IN THE MEDICINE CABINET!" m.imgur.com/QUpaMIC
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jwidmann
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2013
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I asked a friend for a small favour.

So I asked a friend to bid a little bit on stuff I have on ebay. He didn't have much time and asked me for a favour instead, so I did that for him with the concluding words: "And now you do my bidding."

I patted myself on the shoulder after that.

Edit: Grammar.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MeisterEder
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2014
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