I bought 10 asparagus at the store but when I got home I realized I had 11...

It was just a spare, I guess...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01
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I was sent to the store for asparagus.

I can’t even find agus, much less a spare.

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πŸ“…︎ May 25
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Friend: *drops asparagus on the floor* Me: good thing we’ve got a spare I guess
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dtp1324
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
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My wife asked if we had asparagus.

I said nope, just the one, and I'm using it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/startrektoheck
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2018
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What did the asparagus say when it got a flat tire?

I should've brought a spare I guess.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lightning25cw
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2018
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3 spears of asparagus.....

3 spears of asparagus are walking down some railroad tracks when a train comes along. The first asparagus says, "Watch this!"

He proceeds to make his way across the tracks, dodging and weaving between the wheels and making it clear to the other side.

The second asparagus says, "I got this!" and proceeds to dodge and weave across the track and between the wheels, only at the last second gets bumped off, leaving her with a bruised behind.

The last asparagus strolls up to tracks and hops right over and BAM gets slammed by underside of the train right in crown, breaking the stalk and sending him flying. His 2 friends come running up, they gather him up as best they can and rush him to the nearest hospital.

After a grueling 12 hour surgery, the head surgeon comes out to the waiting area to update the asparagus spears.

"well, I have good news and I have bad news." he said.

"The good news is your friend is going to live."

"The bad news is he will be a vegetable for the rest of

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/StingsLikeBitch
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2016
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Wife: Will you grab asparagus?

Me: Why? We don't we don't need a back up agus!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pokerjokerau
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2016
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Asparagus

A vegetable walks into a bowling ally and asks "What is it called if I knock half the puns down on my first roll, then knock the rest down on my second roll?" The man behind the counter looks up, shrugs, and says "A spare I guess" (Asparagus)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Krozard
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2012
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I want to grab just one asparagus...

Why not grab a PAIR-a-gus?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IcedBanana
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2015
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Back in the day when sparrows had names, sparrows named Gus wouldn’t fare too well.

People love eating Asparagus.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DiFraggiPrutto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13
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What's the best vegetable to have in your car if you have a flat tire?

Asparagus

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrDeathtune
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15
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What do you need when you get a flat tire?

Asparagus

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πŸ‘€︎ u/andythorn1438
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14
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Wife and I got a flat tire driving back from the farmer’s market

I should have bought asparagus

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Nightman_82
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2019
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What’s worse that peeing next to a man?

Peeing next to a man who ate asparagus.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2019
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I was starving when I had a flat tire. I thought:

I should have had asparagus.

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2019
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In hindsight...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lilctmama88
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2017
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Got a flat tire on my car today. I should have brought...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StayWoke11
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2018
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The Man Who Loved Hollandaise

A man went to his dentist because he felt something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examined him and said "That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"

The man replied, "All I can think of is that about four months ago, my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious... hollandaise sauce! I love it so much now that I put it on everything -- meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything!"

The dentist said, "Well, that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new one, and this time, I'll use chrome."

"Why chrome?" asked the patient.

"It's simple," said the dentist. "Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maimonides_vii
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2019
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What kind of vegetable doesn’t get a strike when bowling?

Asparagus

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JamesAlbini
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2019
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What vegetable is used for flat tires?

Asparagus.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/brendenmefford
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2019
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I got a nail in my tire coming home from the grocery store. My meat, milk, icecream... Absolutely ruined while waiting on a tow truck!

Should've bought asparagus

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tj_xraybanvision
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2018
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Me to my wife while she was cooking:

Why do we have asparagus?

Wife: Don't you DARE!

In case we lose the first one.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dr_Wheuss
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2019
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gardening

Your Italian neighbour has a goose in his garden. You give him a second one. What does he have?

Asparagus.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/billyargh
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2019
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Bamboo

We’re having asparagus with dinner. My daughter just said β€œIf you cut off the tops it looks like bamboo. Have you been feeding me bamboo?!” I said, β€œYes, you’ve been... bamboo-zeled.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/imahawki
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2017
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This conversation between my (ex)gf.

Long post is long:

Her: Remember dad's tomato bushes? Well they're attacking! At least one is leaning across the path trying to get at my window... We had the war of the roses, now its time for the attack of the tomatoes!

Me: I don't remember anything about tomato bushes. From one battle to the next.

Her: Yep! Lookout tomatoes here comes the chutney recipe!

Me: I can just imagine a cucumber campaign. Operation onion would be next, which will fail, causing everyone to cry. Dill Day follows, a great success for the allied gardeners. All too soon though, the kamikaze carrots set in, utterly ruining the radish raid. The mushroom maneuver is employed, saving the troops, allowing them to deal the final blow in the asparagus assault!

Her: Don't forget the pumpkins want to supply ground cover with heavy support...

Me: Ah yes, the pumpkin paratroopers.

Her: Thyme is running out...

Me: Prepare the beetroot bombs!!!

Her: Aim for Potato Garden!

Me:

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zokoro
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2017
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My dad on thanksgiving

Me: are you bringing the asparagus?

Dad: Yep, and you have the holindays sauce?

Me: of course.

Dad: And what about the chrome plate?

Me: why would I need that...

Dad: There's no plate like chrome for the holindays!

Me:.............

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FrailRain
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2013
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Eat your veggies!

My wife had cooked a lovely dinner of porkchops, rice and asparagus. I took a pretty big portion of everything but managed to eat it all.

I go to take some more veggies, when my wife asks me "Are you really going to eat that too?"

I replied, "I might not, but...meh...never hurts to have a spare I guess......"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chaosmonkey
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2015
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My roommate will be an excellent dad someday.

We were getting home from the grocery store, and I was putting groceries into the fridge.

Me, putting new asparagus into the fridge: Oh, Nick, we already had some asparagus.

Nick: Well, I guess we have a-spare-agus then.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/i-like-robots
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2014
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I have a flat tire. I should have bought...

Asparagus

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BubbleBoyB
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2018
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