I said “that’s impressive!”
It won't do anything to protect you from getting sick, but people will stay six feet away
A dog with a bark worse than its bite.
Then I realised, ain’t anybody got thyme for that.
It takes its cloves off.
Then baby powder is made out of babies
He gave me some sage advice. It was about thyme too.
I really relish it.
Buffet the Vampire Slayer
Not my joke! Citation Needed by Tom Scott on YouTube
It will be called wikileeks.com
Buffet The Vampire Slayer.
(Made it up at work today and got a polite chuckle.)
"I don't see the problem. It seems like a naan-issue to me."
We were driving down from Vermont and our Dad noticed that there was a garlic festival.
He exclaims, "Well, we won't find any vampires in there!"
Sounds easy, but the process is painstaking .
Stake and eggs (sunny side up, of course)
When I ask I can never get a straight answer.
Unless you Count Dracula
She just laughs and says, "Silly Daddy, I'm not hungry, I'm Nona." I didn't expect to be a grandfather so soon...
When the garlic started taking off her cloves.
I said, “Don’t worry. We are all in the same boat.”
Edit: Didn't expect my joke to dig so deep. My inbox is soiled
I'm looking for a few spice/herb related puns, specifically:
Any ideas are appreciated!
Garlic Is Good On Steaks.
We did not build our garden fence high enough, and deer came in to eat our basil.
They did not return for our garlic, so we felt no need to call pesto control.
Him: shovels spaghetti into gob using both hands, smearing spaghetti, olive oil and garlic all over his face
Me: “Well now you’ve gotta pasta face and pasta fingers, I guess I gotta pasta napkin”
My wife: Eye roll
So I delivered 3 orders of garlic knots to a little old lady tonight. I repeated the order and the total, as I always do, and the old lady tells me she was feeling a bit naughty, with a wink.
Wife and I were making pasta yesterday and we have some garlic knot rolls in the freezer.
Her: do you want to make garlic bread?
Me: no, not really
Her: yeah I don't really want it either, you sure?
Me: it doesn't matter, it's not bread anyway ._.
Her: wat...OH GOD
So, on Sunday my wife and I were making stir fry for lunch after church. I chopped up some flank steak and test fried a piece in the wok, pulled it out, cut it in two, and we each tried a piece to see how it tasted (in case it needed more ginger or garlic or oyster sauce). This conversation happened.
My wife: (enjoying the flavor) How do couples where one person is a vegetarian handle meals?
Me: I guess the man has a help meet for him like Adam.
Her: I'm being serious, how do they do it.
Me: I know, right? People get married for lots of carnal knowledge.
Her: (annoyed) All kidding aside, I'm curious how people make that work.
Me: Give me some time to flesh out my argument, and I'm sure I can find a couple that hasn't butchered their relationship.
She was looking through the spices asking me what I wanted.
Her: Onion Powder?
She didn't think it was as funny as I did unfortunately.
Sitting around the table in a local restaurant the other night, I finally evolved to my final form.
My daughter, 5, kept dropping her garlic rolls on the floor and was getting really upset. I asked her if she was on fire, and the look from my wife told me that she knew what was coming. My two teenaged sons looked at me with the faces that I've seen a thousand times, yet never get tired of seeing.
"Sweetheart, are you on fire?"
"Well, I thought you were, because you can't stop drop'n rolls."
I got all rewards from this one. Groans, eye rolls, and of course I cracked myself up.
WIFE: (Reading instructions) "Crush the garlic."
ME: Here, I'll help. (To Garlic) You'll never make it in Hollywood! You're too short to be an actor!
WIFE: I dislike you.
We went out to eat at a Cuban place and my mother had ordered some food with a side of tostones (a plantain dish). She complained that they had too much garlic to which I made a joke:
"Yeah, as soon as you bit into it, you tatsed the garlic and were like , '¡Ajo!'"
(¡Ajo! is a Spanish exclamatory similar to "ooooooh" or "oh my goodnes." It doesn't have a direct English equivalent but that's what it means. The Spanish word for garlic also happens to be ajo, so I made a pun playing off the dual meaning of the word. Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog. )
My wife was cooking spaghetti and went to make some garlic bread and realized all we had was wheat bread and naan. She asked if I would be okay with the naan as the garlic bread, and I told her, "I think it'll be a naan-issue."
So my mom brought up that she's been seeing Papa John's commercials for their garlic knots, and how they now have cinnamon knots too. I said we should try them next time we have pizza, when dad hit us with this: "Let's get knotty!!" I haven't laughed that hard at the dining table in a very long time.
My Dad and I were getting dinner ready when I quizzed him on how he seasoned the chicken and gravy mixture he was fawning over.
"Uh I haven't put anything in but the chicken, and the gravy."
"Were you going to season it?"
"Wasn't planning on it." he finished, apparently done with the conversation as his full attention was now on whatever football game was on. I decided if he wasn't going to take the initiative and make our food taste like something other than bland than I would.
"Here Dad put in some garlic," I said as i started grabbing spices from the cabinet.
"Some basil, salt, pepper, thyme... " I didn't see any thyme in here which was too bad because it would be just the thing for this.
"Hey DAD do we have any thyme left?" I asked him a little louder than I had been talking before.
"Time for what?" he asked, finally breaking his attention from the flat screen, a severely confused and almost worrried look cemented on his brow. And then, as quick as a camera lens closing to capture a shot, he winked.
TL;DR I'm pretty sure you have enough thyme to read it.
Me: My friend caught a 9 ft shark when he was fishing last night!
Dad: Yeah, what kind?
Me: Lemon Shark.
Dad: All he needs is a 7 ft Garlic Shark and he's set!
I'm a kitchen hand, and we take these big containers the chefs fill with dirty pans etc to clean the contents. These containers are called warwicks (pronounced "WORRICK").
I took one of these warwicks, and the chef next to me thanked me. As a response to his thank you, I just said "hey mate, no warwicks!"
Chef turned to look at me in disappointment, and almost dropped a pan of garlic prawns.
My brother and i were thinking about taking my dad out for a fishing trip so i asked him,
Me: Dad. What's the best season for fish?
Getting dinner ready an my father gives myself and my SO some garlic bread.
Dad: "so how's that garlic bread?"
Me: "good, although it's gone"
Dad: "so I guess you could call it gone-lic bread?"
Earlier that night texting him because we are running behind to come for dinner I text him: "sorry running behind, killed a fuse and need to pick up kitten food" His response: "As long as it didn't kill the kitten and needed fuse food!"