My wife said β€œI’m going to press some garlic now”

I said β€œthat’s impressive!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eyebrowsetheweb
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
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Eat a garlic clove with every meal to stop the Coronavirus

It won't do anything to protect you from getting sick, but people will stay six feet away

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πŸ‘€︎ u/amnesiajune
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
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What do you call a dog who only eats garlic and onions?

A dog with a bark worse than its bite.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hour_Scarcity
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2020
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I was gonna cook some garlic butter mushrooms, you know, spice up a meal

Then I realised, ain’t anybody got thyme for that.

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2020
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What are garlic nots...?

...If they are not garlic?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/StuntsMonkey
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2019
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What does garlic do when it gets hot?

It takes its cloves off.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iknowthisischeesy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
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How do you call a cockney garlic mayonnaise?

An oi-oli.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MiKeseMiCasa
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2019
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If garlic powder is made out of garlic,

Then baby powder is made out of babies

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JFax42
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2019
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I was having some difficulties remembering what spices went well with garlic and onion, but a professional chef assisted.

He gave me some sage advice. It was about thyme too.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2019
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I love to smother my burger with lots of chunky tomato, onion and garlic condiment...

I really relish it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ProfessionalEntry
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2018
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What Do You Call An All-You-Can-Eat Garlic Restaurant?

Buffet the Vampire Slayer

Not my joke! Citation Needed by Tom Scott on YouTube

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2018
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I am going to start Web site that is dedicated to revealing secret recipes that contain vegetables that are in the same family as onion and garlic and are especially good with potatoes.

It will be called wikileeks.com

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2016
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What do you call a buffet with lot's of garlic.

Buffet The Vampire Slayer.

(Made it up at work today and got a polite chuckle.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/atomosk
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2016
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"Excuse me, sir, you're all out of the garlic naan bread."

"I don't see the problem. It seems like a naan-issue to me."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/clocker91
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2016
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A Garlic Festival

We were driving down from Vermont and our Dad noticed that there was a garlic festival.

He exclaims, "Well, we won't find any vampires in there!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/grizax
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2013
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To kill a French vampire, you have to drive a baguette through it's heart.

Sounds easy, but the process is painstaking .

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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What do Italian ghosts eat?

Spooketti Boolognese.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BarnesDude
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
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What diner meal is dangerous for vampires?

Stake and eggs (sunny side up, of course)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LaChuteQuiMarche
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
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What is lbgtq?

When I ask I can never get a straight answer.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bluelemons111
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
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Did you know vampires arent real?

Unless you Count Dracula

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JCokeDaKilla
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2019
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I started pulling the "Hi hungry, I'm dad" routine with my two-year-old. A couple days in, I asked her if she was hungry.

She just laughs and says, "Silly Daddy, I'm not hungry, I'm Nona." I didn't expect to be a grandfather so soon...

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheMasonX
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2019
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At what point did the tomato realize he was about to get lucky?

When the garlic started taking off her cloves.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rayzon1
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
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My wife is nervous about having to talk to strangers on a cruise we are about to take.

I said, β€œDon’t worry. We are all in the same boat.”

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2018
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The discovery of the shovel was ground breaking

Edit: Didn't expect my joke to dig so deep. My inbox is soiled

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2018
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Pun Request

I'm looking for a few spice/herb related puns, specifically:

  • Black Pepper
  • Cinnamon
  • Garlic Powder
  • Paprika
  • Nutmeg
  • Chili Powder
  • Basil
  • Tumeric
  • Onion Powder
  • Curry Powder

Any ideas are appreciated!

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2018
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β€œHey dad, could you tell me a word that doesn’t have any vowels?”

β€œWhy?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BANDG33K_2009
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2018
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The only thing flat earthers have to fear... Is sphere itself
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThomasMaker
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2018
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Grill-Masters and Vampire Hunters Agree

Garlic Is Good On Steaks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thealmightypoe
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2018
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The white-tailed deer: forest vermin.

We did not build our garden fence high enough, and deer came in to eat our basil.

They did not return for our garlic, so we felt no need to call pesto control.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2018
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Eating spaghetti with the two year old

Him: shovels spaghetti into gob using both hands, smearing spaghetti, olive oil and garlic all over his face

Me: β€œWell now you’ve gotta pasta face and pasta fingers, I guess I gotta pasta napkin”

My wife: Eye roll

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πŸ‘€︎ u/irongustavius
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2018
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Dadjoked by a sweet old lady!

So I delivered 3 orders of garlic knots to a little old lady tonight. I repeated the order and the total, as I always do, and the old lady tells me she was feeling a bit naughty, with a wink.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Homer_Goes_Crazy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2015
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This is not the joke you're looking for.

Wife and I were making pasta yesterday and we have some garlic knot rolls in the freezer.

Her: do you want to make garlic bread?

Me: no, not really

Her: yeah I don't really want it either, you sure?

Me: it doesn't matter, it's not bread anyway ._.

Her: wat...OH GOD

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πŸ‘€︎ u/grumpy_derpasaur
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2016
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Vegetarian trifecta while making dinner with my wife.

So, on Sunday my wife and I were making stir fry for lunch after church. I chopped up some flank steak and test fried a piece in the wok, pulled it out, cut it in two, and we each tried a piece to see how it tasted (in case it needed more ginger or garlic or oyster sauce). This conversation happened.

My wife: (enjoying the flavor) How do couples where one person is a vegetarian handle meals?

Me: I guess the man has a help meet for him like Adam.

Her: I'm being serious, how do they do it.

Me: I know, right? People get married for lots of carnal knowledge.

Her: (annoyed) All kidding aside, I'm curious how people make that work.

Me: Give me some time to flesh out my argument, and I'm sure I can find a couple that hasn't butchered their relationship.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wuapinmon
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2015
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Girlfriend was helping me make a pizza last night...

She was looking through the spices asking me what I wanted.

Her: Garlic?

Me: Yes.

Her: Onion Powder?

Me: No.

Her: Thyme?

Me: 8:18.

She didn't think it was as funny as I did unfortunately.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2015
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At dinner...

Sitting around the table in a local restaurant the other night, I finally evolved to my final form.

My daughter, 5, kept dropping her garlic rolls on the floor and was getting really upset. I asked her if she was on fire, and the look from my wife told me that she knew what was coming. My two teenaged sons looked at me with the faces that I've seen a thousand times, yet never get tired of seeing.

"Sweetheart, are you on fire?"
"No, daddy."
"Well, I thought you were, because you can't stop drop'n rolls."

I got all rewards from this one. Groans, eye rolls, and of course I cracked myself up.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chefriley76
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2016
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As my wife is cooking...

WIFE: (Reading instructions) "Crush the garlic."

ME: Here, I'll help. (To Garlic) You'll never make it in Hollywood! You're too short to be an actor!

WIFE: I dislike you.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlakeMP
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2016
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Pulled a nice one at dinner with my mother (may be confusing for non-Spanish speakers)

We went out to eat at a Cuban place and my mother had ordered some food with a side of tostones (a plantain dish). She complained that they had too much garlic to which I made a joke:

"Yeah, as soon as you bit into it, you tatsed the garlic and were like , 'Β‘Ajo!'"

(Β‘Ajo! is a Spanish exclamatory similar to "ooooooh" or "oh my goodnes." It doesn't have a direct English equivalent but that's what it means. The Spanish word for garlic also happens to be ajo, so I made a pun playing off the dual meaning of the word. Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog. )

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CosmicCam
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2014
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My wife was making dinner

My wife was cooking spaghetti and went to make some garlic bread and realized all we had was wheat bread and naan. She asked if I would be okay with the naan as the garlic bread, and I told her, "I think it'll be a naan-issue."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/admiralkit
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2015
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Mom was telling us about Papa John's..

So my mom brought up that she's been seeing Papa John's commercials for their garlic knots, and how they now have cinnamon knots too. I said we should try them next time we have pizza, when dad hit us with this: "Let's get knotty!!" I haven't laughed that hard at the dining table in a very long time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_X-Wing_Ace
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2015
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My Dad trying to be clever in the Kitchen

My Dad and I were getting dinner ready when I quizzed him on how he seasoned the chicken and gravy mixture he was fawning over.

"Uh I haven't put anything in but the chicken, and the gravy."

"Were you going to season it?"

"Wasn't planning on it." he finished, apparently done with the conversation as his full attention was now on whatever football game was on. I decided if he wasn't going to take the initiative and make our food taste like something other than bland than I would.

"Here Dad put in some garlic," I said as i started grabbing spices from the cabinet.

"Some basil, salt, pepper, thyme... " I didn't see any thyme in here which was too bad because it would be just the thing for this.

"Hey DAD do we have any thyme left?" I asked him a little louder than I had been talking before.

"Time for what?" he asked, finally breaking his attention from the flat screen, a severely confused and almost worrried look cemented on his brow. And then, as quick as a camera lens closing to capture a shot, he winked.

.

.

.

TL;DR I'm pretty sure you have enough thyme to read it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/erydayimredditing
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2013
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On a Run With my Dad Making Conversation...

Me: My friend caught a 9 ft shark when he was fishing last night!

Dad: Yeah, what kind?

Me: Lemon Shark.

Dad: All he needs is a 7 ft Garlic Shark and he's set!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mollyclaire95
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2015
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Doled out a Dad joke whilst at work in a hotel kitchen.

I'm a kitchen hand, and we take these big containers the chefs fill with dirty pans etc to clean the contents. These containers are called warwicks (pronounced "WORRICK").

I took one of these warwicks, and the chef next to me thanked me. As a response to his thank you, I just said "hey mate, no warwicks!"

Chef turned to look at me in disappointment, and almost dropped a pan of garlic prawns.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RevenantCommunity
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2014
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My dad on fishing.

My brother and i were thinking about taking my dad out for a fishing trip so i asked him,

Me: Dad. What's the best season for fish?

Dad: Garlic.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/daveywaveybaby
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2013
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Dad at dinner

Getting dinner ready an my father gives myself and my SO some garlic bread.

Dad: "so how's that garlic bread?"

Me: "good, although it's gone"

Dad: "so I guess you could call it gone-lic bread?"

Earlier that night texting him because we are running behind to come for dinner I text him: "sorry running behind, killed a fuse and need to pick up kitten food" His response: "As long as it didn't kill the kitten and needed fuse food!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Devium92
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2013
🚨︎ report
What does garlic do when it gets hot?

It takes all its cloves off.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/winnieismydog
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2018
🚨︎ report

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