Doctors are calling it stalk home syndrome.
Edit: You folks are way too generous. Thanks a lot.
Because when you break up you know it'll keep on stalking you.
I think I’m being stalked.
It seems he made a killing on the stalk market.
I think I’m being stalked.
She wasn't right for me, so I really don't carrot all.
Double dipping
Upon arrival, she couldn't remember which were groceries and which were paint colors.
I said "no ma'am I'm sorry we're out of stalk on that item."
It’s like he didn’t even carrot all
I want to make a joke about a rich fruit, and so am need to choose a fruit best associated with wealth, riches having lots of money, etc..
Can any of you pun masters help me out?
Because he might celery.
It was a weird celery
Apparently he is on celery now!
Because he wanted a bigger celery. And maybe even a stock option
I got a celery.
Well, not neciCelery.
Lettece go!
That one my dad told me
The celery was unacceptable.
I didn't like the celery package
Now I'm just rad-ish.
He's taken aback because he can't seem to remember where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind takes him back to the one time that he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.
"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with a celery?"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly "No, I'm your son's teacher."
"Hey dad did you hear they're paying me hourly to eat carrots now? "
"They are?"
"Well they're not giving me a celery."
He seemed proud and I seem old now
I asked my dad for a little help with a recipe the other day.
"Dad, what do I need for red beans and rice?"
"Oh, some celery, a bell pepper, an onion, some Tony's, a pound of rice, a pound of sausage, and 239 kidney beans."
"Why not just a pound of beans?"
"Well, if you add just one more, it'll be too-farty!"
Long post is long:
Her: Remember dad's tomato bushes? Well they're attacking! At least one is leaning across the path trying to get at my window... We had the war of the roses, now its time for the attack of the tomatoes!
Me: I don't remember anything about tomato bushes. From one battle to the next.
Her: Yep! Lookout tomatoes here comes the chutney recipe!
Me: I can just imagine a cucumber campaign. Operation onion would be next, which will fail, causing everyone to cry. Dill Day follows, a great success for the allied gardeners. All too soon though, the kamikaze carrots set in, utterly ruining the radish raid. The mushroom maneuver is employed, saving the troops, allowing them to deal the final blow in the asparagus assault!
Her: Don't forget the pumpkins want to supply ground cover with heavy support...
Me: Ah yes, the pumpkin paratroopers.
Her: Thyme is running out...
Me: Prepare the beetroot bombs!!!
Her: Aim for Potato Garden!
Me: Fire the capsicum! Deploy the celery team!
Her: Bring in the egg plant division to support the capsicum!
Me: This is it boys, life or dirt! I want a passionfruit unit to find us a vantage point, and the strawberry unit to surround them!
Her: We had better bring the lettuce up to date!
Me: The cabbage are under withering fire, we need support from the raspberry division! The potatoes are mashed, so well need to send the zucchini in their place!
Her: The zucchini can't take that heavy fire, they'll be grated. Send spinach for some extra iron. The sweet potatoes are digging in at the ridge.
Me: Prepare the watermelon bomb, we need to finish this! The eggplant were squashed, deploy the broccoli brigade! The beans need to get out of there, or they'll be split!
Her: Cauliflowers are going in to retrieve the beans. How brave to risk their florets!
The corn commandos are deployed, but the artichokes are all out of heart, we need to boost morale.
Me: The leeks are down! They'll be flattened if we don't do something!
Are the spinach still operational?
Her: Too bad the pepper isn't on our side, they're well seasoned troops.
Spinach is a go!
Nothing has touched it...
Me: But wait! We still have the chillies to give them heavy fire!
Her: And the squashes and peas!
Me: The ginger is holding it's ground, but it's being cut down by the pineapple!
The basil should make things interesting, send them to aid the potatoes.
**Her:
... keep reading on reddit ➡Dad: What did celery say when he broke up with his girlfriend?
Me: Uh... I have no idea...
Dad: "She wasn't right for me, so I really don't carrot all."
Ba dum tsss.
Got my wife with two the other day when we were grocery shopping.
She goes to get a ginger root from the produce section, and I yell at her
STOP!!
"...what?" she asks
I answer "You are doing it wrong, you have to pick it up carefully"
And i proceed to very slowly lift one ginger root out of the pile, being extra careful to support it.
"...what are you doing?" My wife is now very confused.
"You have to lift it......gingerly".
She hits me.
Not five minutes later, we are getting celery.
"I think this one looks familiar" I say
"What?" again, she falls into my trap
"Yeah....this one has been following me around, creepily, from a distance. It's a Celery Stalk(er)."
She hit me again.
I was cooking some broiled salmon with dill (key word here), capers and lemon. She REALLY wanted to use the Henckels 8" utility knife to cut up some celery and carrots for some soup while I was stripping the dill for the salmon. After she asked for the knife (we have plenty, but this has the best edge), I said, "What is your DILLS?! Just use another knife!" I had to repeat it two times before she got it and let out a she let out a huge groan while I got a good chuckle to myself. ^I'll^show^myself^out
I think I’m being stalked.
She wasn't right for me, so I really don't carrot all.
She wasn't right for me, so I really don't carrot all.
