I woke up this morning and found that someone has dumped a bunch of celery on my front porch.

I think Iā€™m being stalked.

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/porichoygupto
šŸ“…︎ May 07
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The other day I found a bunch of celery by my front door...

I think Iā€™m being stalked.

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/Erbearlee
šŸ“…︎ May 30
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Did you guys hear about the investment broker that retired to run a celery farm?

It seems he made a killing on the stalk market.

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/OmegaLiquidX
šŸ“…︎ Apr 10
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Every morning, I find that somebody has quietly put a bunch of celery on my front door step.

I think Iā€™m being stalked.

šŸ‘︎ 776
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šŸ‘¤︎ u/porichoygupto
šŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2019
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What did celery say when he broke up with his girlfriend?

She wasn't right for me, so I really don't carrot all.

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/notdadbot
šŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2019
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What superpower did the celery want?

Cele-kinesis

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/ThePunZoo
šŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2019
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What do you call it when you dip two celery sticks in ranch at the same time?

Double dipping

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/Exulansiss
šŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2019
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A man walks into a doctor's office with celery in one ear, peas in the other, and a carrot up each nostril, and says "Doc, I don't feel well". The doctor replies "It's because you aren't eating right."
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šŸ‘¤︎ u/Thalpal317
šŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2019
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I was going to apply at a vegetarian restaurant until I saw they were actually offering to pay an annual celery.
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šŸ‘¤︎ u/resmungomandinga
šŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2019
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Forgetful Francesca had a lot of items on her list as she headed to the Super Store... celery, cinnamon, oatmeal, mint, mustard and chocolate.

Upon arrival, she couldn't remember which were groceries and which were paint colors.

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/thomasbrakeline
šŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2019
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I just had a customer come up and ask if we had anymore celery. . .

I said "no ma'am I'm sorry we're out of stalk on that item."

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/Pete_the_rawdog
šŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2016
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My friend peanut butter called me today said he had great news about his job

Apparently he is on celery now!

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/ConvictedOrigins
šŸ“…︎ May 09
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Due to COVID-19 a grocery store started paying its employees in vegetables

It was a weird celery

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šŸ“…︎ Apr 30
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Why did the vegetable want a pay raise?

Because he wanted a bigger celery. And maybe even a stock option

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/boxymcboxbox
šŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2019
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Grocery shopping
šŸ‘︎ 5k
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šŸ‘¤︎ u/Bongnazi
šŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2018
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Let us know...
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šŸ‘¤︎ u/Heypen
šŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2019
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I got a job at a farm where I got paid in vegetables.

I got a celery.

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/dudecancode
šŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2019
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My wife said I only eat white tasteless vegetables...

Well, not neciCelery.

šŸ‘︎ 4
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šŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2019
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What did the lettece say to the celary?

Lettece go!

That one my dad told me

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/CrazyC316
šŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2019
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I quit my job at the farm because my boss wanted to pay me in fruits and vegetables instead of cash.

The celery was unacceptable.

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/porichoygupto
šŸ“…︎ May 09 2019
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So while walking through the produce section I was lamenting the fact I used to be pretty rad.

Now I'm just rad-ish.

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/twindadlife
šŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2019
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I got offered a job at a vegetable company, but I didn't take it...

I didn't like the celery package

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/dryan3032
šŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2018
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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive women waving at him

He's taken aback because he can't seem to remember where he knows her from.

So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind takes him back to the one time that he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.

"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with a celery?"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly "No, I'm your son's teacher."

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/Limsy37
šŸ“…︎ May 06 2018
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How does a farmer make money?

Through his celery.

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/Alvbatross
šŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2018
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Dad joked my dad while eating carrots

"Hey dad did you hear they're paying me hourly to eat carrots now? "

"They are?"

"Well they're not giving me a celery."

He seemed proud and I seem old now

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/damnrumham
šŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2015
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Wherein my dad helps me cook.

I asked my dad for a little help with a recipe the other day.

"Dad, what do I need for red beans and rice?"

"Oh, some celery, a bell pepper, an onion, some Tony's, a pound of rice, a pound of sausage, and 239 kidney beans."

"Why not just a pound of beans?"

"Well, if you add just one more, it'll be too-farty!"

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šŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2013
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This conversation between my (ex)gf.

Long post is long:

Her: Remember dad's tomato bushes? Well they're attacking! At least one is leaning across the path trying to get at my window... We had the war of the roses, now its time for the attack of the tomatoes!

Me: I don't remember anything about tomato bushes. From one battle to the next.

Her: Yep! Lookout tomatoes here comes the chutney recipe!

Me: I can just imagine a cucumber campaign. Operation onion would be next, which will fail, causing everyone to cry. Dill Day follows, a great success for the allied gardeners. All too soon though, the kamikaze carrots set in, utterly ruining the radish raid. The mushroom maneuver is employed, saving the troops, allowing them to deal the final blow in the asparagus assault!

Her: Don't forget the pumpkins want to supply ground cover with heavy support...

Me: Ah yes, the pumpkin paratroopers.

Her: Thyme is running out...

Me: Prepare the beetroot bombs!!!

Her: Aim for Potato Garden!

Me:

... keep reading on reddit āž”

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/Zokoro
šŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2017
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My dad slays everyone with his jokes

Dad: What did celery say when he broke up with his girlfriend?

Me: Uh... I have no idea...

Dad: "She wasn't right for me, so I really don't carrot all."

Ba dum tsss.

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/blasphumorus
šŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2014
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Buy One Get One in the produce section

Got my wife with two the other day when we were grocery shopping.

She goes to get a ginger root from the produce section, and I yell at her

STOP!!

"...what?" she asks

I answer "You are doing it wrong, you have to pick it up carefully"

And i proceed to very slowly lift one ginger root out of the pile, being extra careful to support it.

"...what are you doing?" My wife is now very confused.

"You have to lift it......gingerly".

She hits me.

Not five minutes later, we are getting celery.

"I think this one looks familiar" I say

"What?" again, she falls into my trap

"Yeah....this one has been following me around, creepily, from a distance. It's a Celery Stalk(er)."

She hit me again.

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šŸ‘¤︎ u/chaosmonkey
šŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2014
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Cooking with my lady tonight...

I was cooking some broiled salmon with dill (key word here), capers and lemon. She REALLY wanted to use the Henckels 8" utility knife to cut up some celery and carrots for some soup while I was stripping the dill for the salmon. After she asked for the knife (we have plenty, but this has the best edge), I said, "What is your DILLS?! Just use another knife!" I had to repeat it two times before she got it and let out a she let out a huge groan while I got a good chuckle to myself. ^I'll^show^myself^out

šŸ‘︎ 4
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šŸ‘¤︎ u/dome215
šŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2014
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What did celery say when he broke up with his girlfriend?

She wasn't right for me, so I really don't carrot all.

šŸ‘︎ 5
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šŸ‘¤︎ u/notdadbot
šŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
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What did celery say when he broke up with his girlfriend?

She wasn't right for me, so I really don't carrot all.

šŸ‘︎ 4
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šŸ‘¤︎ u/notdadbot
šŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
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