After being holed up in the house due to Covid, my wife has started having this weird nightmare that our house is made of celery.

Doctors are calling it stalk home syndrome.

Edit: You folks are way too generous. Thanks a lot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
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Why's it a bad idea to date celery?

Because when you break up you know it'll keep on stalking you.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CIMMGW
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
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I woke up this morning and found that someone has dumped a bunch of celery on my front porch.

I think I’m being stalked.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
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The other day I found a bunch of celery by my front door...

I think I’m being stalked.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Erbearlee
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2020
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Did you guys hear about the investment broker that retired to run a celery farm?

It seems he made a killing on the stalk market.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OmegaLiquidX
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2020
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Every morning, I find that somebody has quietly put a bunch of celery on my front door step.

I think I’m being stalked.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2019
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What superpower did the celery want?

Cele-kinesis

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThePunZoo
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2019
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What did celery say when he broke up with his girlfriend?

She wasn't right for me, so I really don't carrot all.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2019
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What do you call it when you dip two celery sticks in ranch at the same time?

Double dipping

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Exulansiss
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2019
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A man walks into a doctor's office with celery in one ear, peas in the other, and a carrot up each nostril, and says "Doc, I don't feel well". The doctor replies "It's because you aren't eating right."
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thalpal317
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2019
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I was going to apply at a vegetarian restaurant until I saw they were actually offering to pay an annual celery.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/resmungomandinga
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2019
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Forgetful Francesca had a lot of items on her list as she headed to the Super Store... celery, cinnamon, oatmeal, mint, mustard and chocolate.

Upon arrival, she couldn't remember which were groceries and which were paint colors.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2019
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I just had a customer come up and ask if we had anymore celery. . .

I said "no ma'am I'm sorry we're out of stalk on that item."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pete_the_rawdog
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2016
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My coworker brought some vegetables to snack on during work, and he didn’t offer me any

It’s like he didn’t even carrot all

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πŸ‘€︎ u/excusetheblood
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
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Fruit pun related to wealth

I want to make a joke about a rich fruit, and so am need to choose a fruit best associated with wealth, riches having lots of money, etc..

Can any of you pun masters help me out?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kashasaurus
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
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Why should you be worried about your daughter’s vegan drug dealer?

Because he might celery.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/changhaobyu
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
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Grocery shopping
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bongnazi
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2018
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Due to COVID-19 a grocery store started paying its employees in vegetables

It was a weird celery

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
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My friend peanut butter called me today said he had great news about his job

Apparently he is on celery now!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ConvictedOrigins
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2020
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Let us know...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Heypen
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2019
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Why did the vegetable want a pay raise?

Because he wanted a bigger celery. And maybe even a stock option

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boxymcboxbox
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2019
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I got a job at a farm where I got paid in vegetables.

I got a celery.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dudecancode
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2019
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My wife said I only eat white tasteless vegetables...

Well, not neciCelery.

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2019
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What did the lettece say to the celary?

Lettece go!

That one my dad told me

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CrazyC316
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2019
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I quit my job at the farm because my boss wanted to pay me in fruits and vegetables instead of cash.

The celery was unacceptable.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2019
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I got offered a job at a vegetable company, but I didn't take it...

I didn't like the celery package

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dryan3032
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2018
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So while walking through the produce section I was lamenting the fact I used to be pretty rad.

Now I'm just rad-ish.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/twindadlife
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2019
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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive women waving at him

He's taken aback because he can't seem to remember where he knows her from.

So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind takes him back to the one time that he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.

"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with a celery?"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly "No, I'm your son's teacher."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Limsy37
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2018
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How does a farmer make money?

Through his celery.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Alvbatross
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2018
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Dad joked my dad while eating carrots

"Hey dad did you hear they're paying me hourly to eat carrots now? "

"They are?"

"Well they're not giving me a celery."

He seemed proud and I seem old now

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πŸ‘€︎ u/damnrumham
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2015
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Wherein my dad helps me cook.

I asked my dad for a little help with a recipe the other day.

"Dad, what do I need for red beans and rice?"

"Oh, some celery, a bell pepper, an onion, some Tony's, a pound of rice, a pound of sausage, and 239 kidney beans."

"Why not just a pound of beans?"

"Well, if you add just one more, it'll be too-farty!"

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2013
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This conversation between my (ex)gf.

Long post is long:

Her: Remember dad's tomato bushes? Well they're attacking! At least one is leaning across the path trying to get at my window... We had the war of the roses, now its time for the attack of the tomatoes!

Me: I don't remember anything about tomato bushes. From one battle to the next.

Her: Yep! Lookout tomatoes here comes the chutney recipe!

Me: I can just imagine a cucumber campaign. Operation onion would be next, which will fail, causing everyone to cry. Dill Day follows, a great success for the allied gardeners. All too soon though, the kamikaze carrots set in, utterly ruining the radish raid. The mushroom maneuver is employed, saving the troops, allowing them to deal the final blow in the asparagus assault!

Her: Don't forget the pumpkins want to supply ground cover with heavy support...

Me: Ah yes, the pumpkin paratroopers.

Her: Thyme is running out...

Me: Prepare the beetroot bombs!!!

Her: Aim for Potato Garden!

Me: Fire the capsicum! Deploy the celery team!

Her: Bring in the egg plant division to support the capsicum!

Me: This is it boys, life or dirt! I want a passionfruit unit to find us a vantage point, and the strawberry unit to surround them!

Her: We had better bring the lettuce up to date!

Me: The cabbage are under withering fire, we need support from the raspberry division! The potatoes are mashed, so well need to send the zucchini in their place!

Her: The zucchini can't take that heavy fire, they'll be grated. Send spinach for some extra iron. The sweet potatoes are digging in at the ridge.

Me: Prepare the watermelon bomb, we need to finish this! The eggplant were squashed, deploy the broccoli brigade! The beans need to get out of there, or they'll be split!

Her: Cauliflowers are going in to retrieve the beans. How brave to risk their florets!

The corn commandos are deployed, but the artichokes are all out of heart, we need to boost morale.

Me: The leeks are down! They'll be flattened if we don't do something!

Are the spinach still operational?

Her: Too bad the pepper isn't on our side, they're well seasoned troops.

Spinach is a go!
Nothing has touched it...

Me: But wait! We still have the chillies to give them heavy fire!

Her: And the squashes and peas!

Me: The ginger is holding it's ground, but it's being cut down by the pineapple!

The basil should make things interesting, send them to aid the potatoes.

**Her:

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zokoro
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2017
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My dad slays everyone with his jokes

Dad: What did celery say when he broke up with his girlfriend?

Me: Uh... I have no idea...

Dad: "She wasn't right for me, so I really don't carrot all."

Ba dum tsss.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/blasphumorus
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2014
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Buy One Get One in the produce section

Got my wife with two the other day when we were grocery shopping.

She goes to get a ginger root from the produce section, and I yell at her

STOP!!

"...what?" she asks

I answer "You are doing it wrong, you have to pick it up carefully"

And i proceed to very slowly lift one ginger root out of the pile, being extra careful to support it.

"...what are you doing?" My wife is now very confused.

"You have to lift it......gingerly".

She hits me.

Not five minutes later, we are getting celery.

"I think this one looks familiar" I say

"What?" again, she falls into my trap

"Yeah....this one has been following me around, creepily, from a distance. It's a Celery Stalk(er)."

She hit me again.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chaosmonkey
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2014
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Cooking with my lady tonight...

I was cooking some broiled salmon with dill (key word here), capers and lemon. She REALLY wanted to use the Henckels 8" utility knife to cut up some celery and carrots for some soup while I was stripping the dill for the salmon. After she asked for the knife (we have plenty, but this has the best edge), I said, "What is your DILLS?! Just use another knife!" I had to repeat it two times before she got it and let out a she let out a huge groan while I got a good chuckle to myself. ^I'll^show^myself^out

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dome215
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2014
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What did celery say when he broke up with his girlfriend?

She wasn't right for me, so I really don't carrot all.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
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What did celery say when he broke up with his girlfriend?

She wasn't right for me, so I really don't carrot all.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
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