My girlfriend says if we don’t get married soon, she’s gonna kill me.

...it’s a matter of wife or death.

πŸ‘︎ 538
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πŸ‘€︎ u/joepopp
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
🚨︎ report
Coming soon to a theater near you
πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KevlarYarmulke
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name. I reassured him, "Don't be silly!"

"Why would anyone pick on you, Someoneyourownsize!?"

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Is it o.k. to start drinking as soon as the kids are at school...

....or, am I a really bad teacher ?

πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I know it's too soon and still very controversial, but it's likely that the rioters may have the death penalty.

It was, after all, a Capitol offense.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/roguebuckeye
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report
It’s my wife’s birthday soon and she’s been leaving jewelry catalogues all over the house.

So, I've taken the hint...

I got her a magazine rack!

πŸ‘︎ 191
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Daudelin1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Take it easy people. Pretty soon you'll be able to kiss and have sex with the one you love.

But for now, stay at home and do it with the one you're married to.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
There's a new film about oxygen that's coming out soon, but there's no date.

I wonder when it will air.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/An1meK1TTEN
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I made a joke saying this Thanksgiving would be extra special because we'll be spreading around diseases like the original Thanksgiving. Someone told me "too soon".

They were right. I should have waited until next week.

πŸ‘︎ 72
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Coming soon to a theater near you
πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ford456fgfd
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Me: Just crossed into Oklahoma. Be there soon.

My Dad: I would say OK! but...

(An actual text from my Dad bless him)

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I took my son to see Santa today, but as soon as he sat on his knee he started crying. "What's wrong?" I asked.

"It's this job! I hate it!"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I absentmindedly bought a block of cheese. As soon as I unwrapped it, it spoke, saying, "I'm depressed. Can you help with this sadness?"

Damn. I picked up bleu cheese.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Proud dad moment. Joke from my soon to be 6 year old daughter. β€œHow did the bee get to school?”

β€œOn the buzzzzz.” So proud.

πŸ‘︎ 523
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hardcoredad
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2020
🚨︎ report
The origami semi-finals are airing soon.

You can watch it on Paperview

πŸ‘︎ 77
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Real_Normal
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife has just gave birth at the hospital. I pulled the doctor away for a minute and asked "how soon do you think we will be able to have sex?"

He thought about it for a bit and said "I am off-duty in 10mins, meet me in the car park"

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sedulas
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
🚨︎ report
After a long day I want to take a dump as soon as I get home, but it's not my first order of business.

That's #2 on my list.

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I should bring it to a Finnish soon.
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/orlanthi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
🚨︎ report
(Too soon) looks the the Supreme Court is...

Ruthless

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MacSteele13
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I couldn't decide on which side of the road I wanted to use my loom. On the northbound side the southbound side looked better. And upon crossing to the southbound side, the northbound side looked better. The cops soon arrested me for operating under the influence.

They said I was weaving all over the road.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Two vegetarians got married and soon had a baby who they named Cabbage.

"Was it a girl?"

No, it's savoy.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bonanza86
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
🚨︎ report
My fresh herbs will go bad soon

I want to make pesto but I’m running out of thyme.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/animel4
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
🚨︎ report
It's soon autumn - you can tell, because summer leaves

... I'll be here all seasons...

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LostDevInBerlin
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
🚨︎ report
If any one on this sub is thinking of getting married soon, please consider this carefully.

On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don’t.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2019
🚨︎ report
A detective was investigating a murder. He soon found that the murder weapon was the bag of the murderer and it had their name on it.

It was a briefcase

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wingwang100
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
🚨︎ report
"Back so soon? I thought you went for a haircut, dad?" asked my son. "Well..." I replied. "My barber wanted me to sign a long term service agreement before giving me a haircut, but I refused."

"I couldn't accept all those perms and conditions."

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Despite a grave outlook on the economy and a dying customer base, one industry for sure won't be going under anytime soon:

Death care.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend is turning 32 soon...

I've told her not to get her hopes up. "After all," I say, "we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute." When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, "This is your thirty-second birthday."

For the life of me, I can't figure why doesn't think this is hilarious. I keep making sure to remind her of it every time we are around new people. Hopefully if she hears the joke enough she will start to appreciate it.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Giovanni469
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2019
🚨︎ report
This is (practically) the corniest gift imaginable. At the bottom of the soon to be gift wrapped box of corniness was a pair of Korn tickets for my lady...who enjoys my corny puns.
πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr-JasonTe
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Soon just got me without this one: "Hey Dad, want to hear a construction joke?"

Give me a second I'm still working on it.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wheezy360
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2018
🚨︎ report
As soon as space travel is possible, I’m moving from the Milky Way to the Soymilky Way galaxy

I’m galactose intolerant

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BillowyWave5228
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2019
🚨︎ report
As soon as you find someone who has 10,000 bees, marry him or her.

That’s how you know he or she is a keeper.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KingInTheNorth57
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I have a feeling that Kim Jong Un will soon be...

Kim Jong Dun

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Que00
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm so happy its tick season soon...

I enjoy a little Lyme with my Corona

πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZARDOZ_SPEAKS90
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2020
🚨︎ report
" Hey, did you know the Black Panther 2 is coming out soon" said my friend..

"Wakanda movies is it?" i asked

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xd_Aayush11
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Looks like it won't stop anytime soon..
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LogangYeddu
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I've hopefully got a book coming out soon

I shouldn't have eaten it really

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/st_jimmy_02
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2020
🚨︎ report
She probably won't meat up with him anytime soon
πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mathematical_Pie
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2019
🚨︎ report
I might lose vision in both my eyes soon

Trying to stay optometristic about it

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/amowdy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Too soon
πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madalt
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Looks like it isn't gonna stop anytime soon..
πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LogangYeddu
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2020
🚨︎ report
If any one on this sub is thinking of getting married soon, please consider this carefully /r/Jokes/comments/fwlvjr/…
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vpetrychuk
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2020
🚨︎ report
About a year ago, I had this friend named Uriah, who I called β€œU”. I gave my old motorcycle to him, because I had just bought a new one. Soon thereafter, he put it on a scale.

Last Christmas, I gave Yamaha. But the very next day, U gave it a weigh.

πŸ‘︎ 48
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2019
🚨︎ report
It’s my wife’s birthday soon and she’s been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.

She'll be happy to know I got the hint. I got her a magazine rack!

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name. I said, "Don't be silly!"

"Why would anyone pick on you, Someoneyourownsize!?"

πŸ‘︎ 42
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend is turning 32 soon...

I've told her not to get her hopes up. "After all," I say, "we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute." When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, "This is your thirty-second birthday."

For the life of me, I can't figure why doesn't think this is hilarious. I keep making sure to remind her of it every time we are around new people. Hopefully if she hears the joke enough she will start to appreciate it.

πŸ‘︎ 17k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/spacecatapult
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2016
🚨︎ report

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