My girlfriend says if we donβt get married soon, sheβs gonna kill me.
...itβs a matter of wife or death.
π︎ 538
π
︎ Jan 26 2021
Coming soon to a theater near you
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Oct 26 2020
My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name. I reassured him, "Don't be silly!"
"Why would anyone pick on you, Someoneyourownsize!?"
π︎ 30
π
︎ Jan 04 2021
Is it o.k. to start drinking as soon as the kids are at school...
....or, am I a really bad teacher ?
π︎ 59
π
︎ Dec 15 2020
I know it's too soon and still very controversial, but it's likely that the rioters may have the death penalty.
It was, after all, a Capitol offense.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Jan 09 2021
Itβs my wifeβs birthday soon and sheβs been leaving jewelry catalogues all over the house.
So, I've taken the hint...
I got her a magazine rack!
π︎ 191
π
︎ Nov 06 2020
Take it easy people. Pretty soon you'll be able to kiss and have sex with the one you love.
But for now, stay at home and do it with the one you're married to.
π︎ 23
π
︎ Dec 23 2020
There's a new film about oxygen that's coming out soon, but there's no date.
I wonder when it will air.
π︎ 27
π
︎ Nov 16 2020
I made a joke saying this Thanksgiving would be extra special because we'll be spreading around diseases like the original Thanksgiving. Someone told me "too soon".
They were right. I should have waited until next week.
π︎ 72
π
︎ Nov 17 2020
Coming soon to a theater near you
π︎ 16
π
︎ Oct 26 2020
Me: Just crossed into Oklahoma. Be there soon.
My Dad: I would say OK! but...
(An actual text from my Dad bless him)
π︎ 11
π
︎ Nov 08 2020
I took my son to see Santa today, but as soon as he sat on his knee he started crying. "What's wrong?" I asked.
"It's this job! I hate it!"
π︎ 9
π
︎ Nov 29 2020
I absentmindedly bought a block of cheese. As soon as I unwrapped it, it spoke, saying, "I'm depressed. Can you help with this sadness?"
Damn. I picked up bleu cheese.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Nov 07 2020
Proud dad moment. Joke from my soon to be 6 year old daughter. βHow did the bee get to school?β
βOn the buzzzzz.β So proud.
π︎ 523
π
︎ Jun 18 2020
The origami semi-finals are airing soon.
You can watch it on Paperview
π︎ 77
π
︎ Jul 17 2020
My wife has just gave birth at the hospital. I pulled the doctor away for a minute and asked "how soon do you think we will be able to have sex?"
He thought about it for a bit and said "I am off-duty in 10mins, meet me in the car park"
π︎ 49
π
︎ Aug 06 2020
After a long day I want to take a dump as soon as I get home, but it's not my first order of business.
π︎ 48
π
︎ Sep 06 2020
I should bring it to a Finnish soon.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Aug 10 2020
(Too soon) looks the the Supreme Court is...
π︎ 12
π
︎ Sep 19 2020
I couldn't decide on which side of the road I wanted to use my loom. On the northbound side the southbound side looked better. And upon crossing to the southbound side, the northbound side looked better. The cops soon arrested me for operating under the influence.
They said I was weaving all over the road.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Aug 30 2020
Two vegetarians got married and soon had a baby who they named Cabbage.
"Was it a girl?"
No, it's savoy.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Sep 06 2020
My fresh herbs will go bad soon
I want to make pesto but Iβm running out of thyme.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Sep 01 2020
It's soon autumn - you can tell, because summer leaves
... I'll be here all seasons...
π︎ 2
π
︎ Sep 08 2020
If any one on this sub is thinking of getting married soon, please consider this carefully.
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
On the other hand, you donβt.
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Jul 06 2019
A detective was investigating a murder. He soon found that the murder weapon was the bag of the murderer and it had their name on it.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Jun 11 2020
"Back so soon? I thought you went for a haircut, dad?" asked my son. "Well..." I replied. "My barber wanted me to sign a long term service agreement before giving me a haircut, but I refused."
"I couldn't accept all those perms and conditions."
π︎ 13
π
︎ Jul 31 2020
Despite a grave outlook on the economy and a dying customer base, one industry for sure won't be going under anytime soon:
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jun 16 2020
My girlfriend is turning 32 soon...
I've told her not to get her hopes up. "After all," I say, "we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute." When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, "This is your thirty-second birthday."
For the life of me, I can't figure why doesn't think this is hilarious. I keep making sure to remind her of it every time we are around new people. Hopefully if she hears the joke enough she will start to appreciate it.
π︎ 12k
π
︎ Jan 05 2019
This is (practically) the corniest gift imaginable. At the bottom of the soon to be gift wrapped box of corniness was a pair of Korn tickets for my lady...who enjoys my corny puns.
π︎ 22
π
︎ Jan 25 2020
Soon just got me without this one: "Hey Dad, want to hear a construction joke?"
Give me a second I'm still working on it.
π︎ 7k
π
︎ Dec 23 2018
As soon as space travel is possible, Iβm moving from the Milky Way to the Soymilky Way galaxy
Iβm galactose intolerant
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Jan 24 2019
As soon as you find someone who has 10,000 bees, marry him or her.
Thatβs how you know he or she is a keeper.
π︎ 12
π
︎ May 26 2020
I have a feeling that Kim Jong Un will soon be...
π︎ 10
π
︎ Apr 22 2020
I'm so happy its tick season soon...
I enjoy a little Lyme with my Corona
π︎ 59
π
︎ Mar 29 2020
" Hey, did you know the Black Panther 2 is coming out soon" said my friend..
"Wakanda movies is it?" i asked
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jun 05 2020
Looks like it won't stop anytime soon..
π︎ 11
π
︎ Feb 10 2020
I've hopefully got a book coming out soon
I shouldn't have eaten it really
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jun 03 2020
She probably won't meat up with him anytime soon
π︎ 43
π
︎ Nov 18 2019
I might lose vision in both my eyes soon
Trying to stay optometristic about it
π︎ 5
π
︎ Mar 24 2020
Too soon
π︎ 28
π
︎ Feb 01 2020
Looks like it isn't gonna stop anytime soon..
π︎ 9
π
︎ Feb 11 2020
π︎ 7
π
︎ Apr 07 2020
About a year ago, I had this friend named Uriah, who I called βUβ. I gave my old motorcycle to him, because I had just bought a new one. Soon thereafter, he put it on a scale.
Last Christmas, I gave Yamaha. But the very next day,
U gave it a weigh.
π︎ 48
π
︎ Dec 11 2019
Itβs my wifeβs birthday soon and sheβs been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
She'll be happy to know I got the hint.
I got her a magazine rack!
π︎ 7
π
︎ Nov 20 2020
My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name. I said, "Don't be silly!"
"Why would anyone pick on you, Someoneyourownsize!?"
π︎ 42
π
︎ Apr 02 2020
My girlfriend is turning 32 soon...
I've told her not to get her hopes up. "After all," I say, "we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute."
When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, "This is your thirty-second birthday."
For the life of me, I can't figure why doesn't think this is hilarious. I keep making sure to remind her of it every time we are around new people. Hopefully if she hears the joke enough she will start to appreciate it.
π︎ 17k
π
︎ Jul 18 2016
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
