I was playing a zombie game last night, and sliced off the left side of a zombie

It scared my wife pretty bad.

I assured her he’s all right.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PapaBear1718
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
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My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.

Now he's my father-in-slaw.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dudecancode
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
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A true story: My boyfriend and I were in the dairy aisle of the grocery store. He tosses a pack of sliced cheese into the cart it ricochets and falls to the floor. β€œKobe!” I shout. β€œNo.” He says in a disappointed tone...

...Colby

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
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What do ducks like to eat with sliced cheese?

Trick question, they are actually quacktose intolerant

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πŸ‘€︎ u/uneeq33
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
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I like all cheeses, those blue ones, those aged ones, even those sliced ones...

but why does Trump want to make America grate again??????/

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πŸ‘€︎ u/piggysam
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
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Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?

It had grater plans.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/frijolita_bonita
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
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I went to the deli the other day to get sliced turkey, but I was upset when I got there,

because everyone else before me went ham on it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/agsederq
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
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A character you can’t play in a game was sliced with a sword multiple times.

It left them in pieces.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/anxieturt
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
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Why is shredding cheese better than sliced cheese?

Because it went through a cheese greater!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Legoless0234
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
🚨︎ report
A slate came off the roof and sliced a builders ear off.

We all looked for the ear so we could take it to hospital to get it sewn on. Whats this here. And shows us a bloody ear. The builder said i dont know whos that ear is its not mine. How can you tell we asked. Cos mine had a pencil behind it!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tiger7971
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
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Some people call circular-sliced hot dogs β€œlunch meat”...

But if you ask me, that’s just bologna.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wutisthis66204
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2020
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Did you hear that Elon Musk has invented a car that runs entirely on sliced cabbage?

He calls it the Colesla.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Perrin42
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2019
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I was key grip on a film set once, when the guy who yells "action" tripped on a cable and sliced himself open...

It was the director's cut.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2019
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We talk about groundbreaking inventions like electricity, and sliced bread, and television...

But how come nobody ever mentions the jackhammer?

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2019
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New types of sliced loaf aren't invented, or discovered...

They're bread.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/twinbladeArisen
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2019
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Whiteboards are the best thing since sliced bread..

i mean they are quite remarkable

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jeremyqsuiter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
🚨︎ report
For the first time ever, I put sliced sausage on my pizza.

It was the best wurst pizza I’ve ever eaten.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HenkeTime
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
🚨︎ report
The best joke since sliced bread

So was heading out of my room to the hallway and right when I opened the door, I ran into my roommate eating a plain slice of bread. We both surprised each other, so we just froze for a second. I don't even know how it happened, but the words instinctively came out of my mouth as if I was born to say them.

"Looks like I caught you...bread-handed."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/guess_my_password
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2015
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The Best Rapper Since Sliced Bread
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PunPantry
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2017
🚨︎ report
My wife and I were talking about starting a family and all the health things you're supposed to do like not eat processed sliced meats. Unfortunately she currently eats a turkey sandwich most days for her lunch.

I told her she better start trying alternatives soon, it's going to be hard to quit eating her current lunch cold turkey.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/-stormageddon-
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2018
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So i sliced my finger while cutting oranges today

Needless to say their blood oranges now

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Xboxben
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2018
🚨︎ report
My friend sliced his hand through, I'd say he's nailing it
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Trashcancomic
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2017
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One day you are the best thing since sliced bread.

Next day you are toast.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2018
🚨︎ report
I went to an Indian bakery for some sliced bread.

There was naan.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bigfoothobbit
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2018
🚨︎ report
My friend sliced up an apple to eat and quickly hung the scraps on the wall. I looked at him like he was crazy.

He said, "What?! It's Decor!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WoofisBarkley
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2017
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Eating sliced carrots.

I ask my dad if he wants a sliced carrot.

My wife tells me, "You could have peeled the carrots".

I didn't out of laziness so I respond with, "What? It builds character".

My wife laughs and says, " Haha. Dad jokes".

I look at my dad and in that moment I realized I was oblivious to my joke the same way I've seen my dad oblivious to his own dad jokes over the years.

I'm a new dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zacharygreeenman
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2016
🚨︎ report

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