Waiter: βHow do you like your steak, sirβ?
Sir: βLike winning an argument with my wifeβ.
Waiter βRare it is!β.
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Mar 06 2021
Guy tries to board a plane with a dead racoon. The flight attendant says, "sir, you're going to have to check that"
"Don't worry," he replies, "It's carrion."
π︎ 687
π
︎ Mar 30 2021
Doctor: Sorry sir but your body has ran out of Magnesium
π︎ 173
π
︎ Mar 30 2021
Waitress: How did you find your steak Sir?
I just looked next to the potatoes and there it was.
π︎ 39
π
︎ Mar 24 2021
Banker: sir, why is your land deed covered in... grease???
π︎ 6
π
︎ Mar 19 2021
I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, βI donβt think they have what youβre looking for, sir.β
I told him, βI donβt think they have what youβre looking for, sir.β
π︎ 199
π
︎ Dec 17 2020
Doctor: βSir, I have some bad news, Iβm afraid your DNA is backwardsβ
π︎ 57
π
︎ Jan 31 2021
Ordering KFC, and I ask for a chicken wing. Cashier asks, βok sir, and which side?β
I replied I had never thought about it before, but I suppose Iβll take the right side.
Cashier: βsir, I meant mashed potatoes, corn, or beans.β
π︎ 337
π
︎ Jan 08 2021
Magical Creatures Rights Activist: Sir, are you aware of how wizards and witches deal with Boggarts?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Feb 24 2021
Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is corrupted.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Feb 12 2021
A waiter asks the "How did you find your steak, Sir?"
Me: I just looked next to the mash potatoes and there it was!
Source: tedthestoner2.0.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jan 25 2021
Doc: "Sir, you've caught a very rare disease. "
Me: "How rare?"
Doc: "You pick the name.
π︎ 144
π
︎ Nov 06 2020
Daughters boyfriend introduced himself to me he said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said "then why are you shaking?"
π︎ 28k
π
︎ Mar 07 2020
Cashier: Sir can I have your card again?
Me: its a sweater and no you can't have it.
π︎ 40
π
︎ Dec 20 2020
Hey Sir, police jokes arenβt funny!
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jan 06 2021
The fattest knight at King Arthurβs round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
π︎ 131
π
︎ Sep 21 2020
What did king Arthur say to sir Lancelot?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 30 2020
I went to the beekeeper to get 12 bees. He counted and gave me 13. "Sir, you gave me an extra."
π︎ 106
π
︎ Sep 23 2020
A vulture was boarding a plane and he brought with him a dead racoon. The flight attendant, mortified by the sight and stench, pointed at the carcass and asked "Sir why did you bring a dead racoon with you."
The vulture said. "Oh this? This is my carrion luggage."
π︎ 46
π
︎ Oct 18 2020
Officer: Sir, why are you carrying pillows?
Because Iβm resisting a rest.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Nov 30 2020
This was posted by Sir Ian McKellen himself on Facebook
https://preview.redd.it/pcu1x2n9tvs51.png?width=720&format=png&auto=webp&s=f8b5cc4564de7f6b3da1ce9dfd2508b168d159e6
π︎ 13
π
︎ Oct 13 2020
A photon checks into a hotel. "Need any help with your luggage sir?" asks the porter.
"No thanks " replies the photon. "I am travelling light."
π︎ 10
π
︎ Nov 22 2020
Officer : Sir, Maβam, Iβm afraid your child was responsible for burning the building.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Nov 14 2020
Man #1: "Sir, would you like a pamphlet about our organization?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Nov 18 2020
Waitress: "Are you finished sir?"
Dad: "No, I'm actually Norwegian. So close though, you're pretty good at that!"
π︎ 8
π
︎ Oct 23 2020
I was checking out at the grocery store today and the bagger was holding my stuff over the shopping cart and asked: βsir, would you like to go out with the cart?β. To which I replied βoh, no thanks Iβm actually marriedβ. My poor son looked mortified. Dad joke status ACHIEVED.
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Nov 30 2019
One night I got pulled over. The cop walked up to my window and said βdo you have a police record, sir?β I said:
π︎ 14
π
︎ Oct 03 2020
A drunk dude decided to drive and get more beer. After being pulled over and questioned by the cop, the cop said β sir Iβm going to have to put you under arrest.β The guy then said
π︎ 7
π
︎ Nov 05 2020
Cowboy goes in to a hotel and says a single room and a wardrobe for my horse. Your horse sir the manager replied!
Yes my horse is a Mustang and it mustang somewhere!
π︎ 4
π
︎ Sep 29 2020
Helmet won by Sir Cumsize during war in the year 1215AD
π︎ 38
π
︎ May 16 2020
"Sir, we can't find the tool for making holes and, consequently, can't proceed. What should we do?"
"It's useless. Give up. Awl is lost."
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jul 27 2020
Dear Sir/Madam
Your sex change operation was a partial success.
π︎ 33
π
︎ Jun 08 2020
Sir yes sir
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Nov 02 2018
Last time I was on a flight, the stewardess approached me and asked, βSir, would you care for a drink?β
I asked her, βwhat are my options?β
She said, βyes or no.β
π︎ 75
π
︎ May 08 2020
Sir, why aren't you eating dat order?
Because of eating disorder.
π︎ 4
π
︎ May 17 2020
Store cashier: "Sir, do you wanna box for these items?"
Me: "No thanks, I'm not much of an athlete. Is it okay if I just pay with my card?"
π︎ 244
π
︎ Oct 19 2019
Doctor: Sir, you have an upset stomach
Me: So thatβs where all that crying is coming from.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jun 24 2020
Sir what should we do ?
π︎ 97
π
︎ Jan 21 2020
Sir, why did you choose to sit at the bar?
Because I have table reservations.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Apr 26 2020
The fish and chip shop: βSorry sir weβre all out of fish.β
Me: βI knew it, there is no cod!β
π︎ 3
π
︎ May 14 2020
Sir, can you breathe?
No, but my lung can, sir.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Mar 09 2020
How did you find your steak, sir?
Right next to the potatoes.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jan 07 2021
The fattest knight at King Arthurβs round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
π︎ 20
π
︎ Sep 22 2020
Doctor: βSir, Iβm afraid your DNA is backwards.β
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Jun 22 2019
Sir, why aren't you eating dat order?
Because of eating disorder.
π︎ 9
π
︎ May 17 2020
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