My wife said I'd gotten fat since she married me me...
I said "Yeah, you got 50% more of me. That's a great return on investment!"
π︎ 105
π
︎ Apr 16 2021
My wife has changed dramatically since becoming a vegan.
It's like I've never seen herbivore.
π︎ 49
π
︎ Mar 19 2021
True story: I was visiting my wife in the hospital but the room didn't have a bed to lay down in so I laid down on the floor since I was tired. The nurse came in and asked "having a good time down there"?
I said "oh yeah. I'm just floored".
π︎ 6
π
︎ Apr 14 2021
Since itβs spring time you could say.......
.........trees are releafed now
π︎ 21
π
︎ Mar 23 2021
My buddy used to paint these beautiful beach scapes when he lived on the coast, but since heβs moved away, he wonβt paint any more.
I guess heβs now an ex-cape-artist...
π︎ 8
π
︎ Apr 04 2021
Itβs been years since the show ended, and Iβm a little annoyed that people are still making βFriendsβ references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
π︎ 119
π
︎ Feb 02 2021
been a moment since i used the tea-rex meme template
π︎ 19
π
︎ Jan 05 2021
I ran into my nephew yesterday and said, βWow! You must have grown a foot since I saw you last.β
He said, βNope. Still have two.β
π︎ 14
π
︎ Mar 20 2021
Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant, a lot in my life has changed....
Like, my name, phone number, and address
π︎ 11
π
︎ Mar 17 2021
Since it's International Women's Day, I'd like to point out some inequality: If my wife wears nothing but one of my t-shirts it's cute, but if I wear nothing but one of her t-shirts...
...I have to leave Home Depot.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Mar 08 2021
Ever since the power company shut off my electricity
Iβve been in a very dark place.
π︎ 29
π
︎ Feb 11 2021
I canβt believe itβs been more than 100 years since Einstein published his Theory of Relativity.
It seems like just yesterday.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Mar 14 2021
I have been a part of free Britney since 1999
We called it Napster back then
π︎ 29
π
︎ Feb 21 2021
Ever since the Death Star blew up, Anakin has taken to the NY Stock Exchange
π︎ 5
π
︎ Feb 13 2021
Did you know that Africa has had no vampires since 1982?
That's the year that Toto blessed the rains there.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Dec 25 2020
It's been 6 months since I've had chicken.
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Jul 31 2020
The chicken coop only had 2 doors since if it had 4 doors it would be a sedan.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jan 14 2021
Ever Since 2020 It Just Feels Wrong That...
"Every Breath You Take" is a song by a band called The Police.
π︎ 12
π
︎ Jan 15 2021
Since the start of the pandemic, my friend the baker shut down his bakery and happily idles the day away...
He always liked loafing around.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Feb 08 2021
*This is a literal Dad Joke my father used to tell when I was a kid about 30 years ago. He's almost 80 now and it still makes him laugh.* - So, there was this man named James Fart. Everybody made fun of him since he was very young. "James Fart! James Fart" the bullies used to make him cry...
He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:
-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!
Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.
-Ok, so... your current name is.. Β·chucklesΒ· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...
-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.
After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.
-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?
-Charles Fart.
π︎ 8k
π
︎ May 06 2020
3 months since I had COVID and Iβve still got very little sense of taste.
Sometimes I just find myself settling down on the sofa, opening up Netflix and sticking on Friends
π︎ 15
π
︎ Jan 04 2021
My dog was acting a bit angry since I took him to the vets and get him neutered
But Iβm not worried, since he doesnβt have the balls to do anything
π︎ 11
π
︎ Jan 20 2021
I finally kicked out my girlfriend about six months ago, and it's been nothing but Happy Days for me since.
The bitch took all the other box sets.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jan 03 2021
Ever since the pandemic started, every morning I proudly announce to my family that Iβm going for a jog and then I donβt...
Itβs my longest running joke of the year so far...
π︎ 12k
π
︎ May 27 2020
Since the start of the Covid outbreak I own the quietest bar in the land....
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jan 18 2021
My daughter got me a βCanada β sweater for Christmas... I asked why since we live in the USA?
βItβs aspirational β she said.
Ooooof...
π︎ 2
π
︎ Dec 26 2020
It's been forever since I've been on this sub
I reckon it was last year
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jan 01 2021
Ever since I killed one of my chickens with the lawn mower...
all manner of scary, haunting things are happening to me. I may have a poultrygeist.
π︎ 104
π
︎ Sep 26 2020
My wife told me today, "Look, I've had this since high school and it still fits me."
Me: "Yeah!!! It's a scarf. "
π︎ 15
π
︎ Jan 01 2021
Since they are filming Spider-Man 3 near my house, I thought Iβd write the lead actor an orchestral piece...
I think Iβll call it βMr. Hollandβs Opusβ
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 05 2021
Ever since 2017, my New Yearβs resolution has been to work on my novel.
Four years going and Iβve almost finished reading it!
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 31 2020
Since my daughter was born I haven't slept for 11 months.
Because that would be entirely too long.
π︎ 62
π
︎ Oct 02 2020
I heard they were going to broadcast the World Origami Championships this weekend since so many sports are cancelled
Too bad itβs Payperview
π︎ 8
π
︎ Nov 18 2020
A guy was storing all the facial hair since he was young and had created a huge pile.
When his wife told him to get rid of it, he said "no, it's a must stash".
π︎ 8
π
︎ Dec 06 2020
Since the very beginning, man has been panning for gold and using it as trade.
Our ancestors called it the prime-ore-deal soup
π︎ 2
π
︎ Dec 20 2020
Since the US has a shortage of coins
Does that mean we have a lack of common cents?
π︎ 9
π
︎ Nov 17 2020
My friend has been really sad ever since Tom Petty died.
Thatβs why he donβt come around here no more.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 10 2020
I've taken up online yoga since the COVID-19 outbreak started.
It helps me namaste at home.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Nov 30 2020
My wife and I bought a water bed recently but ever since then...
...weβve drifted apart.
π︎ 801
π
︎ May 26 2020
The person who had once kidnapped me got released after serving 10 years in prison. Since then, I secretly follow him to his house every single day without his knowledge.
I guess I'm suffering from 'stalk home' syndrome.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Dec 03 2020
Since his political career is almost over the US vice president is starting his own soda company.
It's called Pence-a-cola.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Oct 08 2020
Since moving to Finland Iβve become addicted to winter sports
It started off with sledging which has finally lead to ski jumping. Itβs a real slippery slope
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 23 2020
I recently found out my wiener doesnβt work anymore. I decided to have a funeral since itβs pretty much dead now. My sweet wife asked if anything would make me feel better.
I replied, Perhaps mourning would...
π︎ 10
π
︎ Oct 21 2020
My wife has changed dramatically since becoming a vegan.
It's like I've never seen herbivore.
π︎ 136
π
︎ Dec 08 2020
Itβs been more than 15 years since the show was over, but people are still making βFriendsβ references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
π︎ 79
π
︎ Aug 22 2020
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