My wife said I'd gotten fat since she married me me...

I said "Yeah, you got 50% more of me. That's a great return on investment!"

πŸ‘︎ 105
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VAOkie
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife has changed dramatically since becoming a vegan.

It's like I've never seen herbivore.

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2021
🚨︎ report
True story: I was visiting my wife in the hospital but the room didn't have a bed to lay down in so I laid down on the floor since I was tired. The nurse came in and asked "having a good time down there"?

I said "oh yeah. I'm just floored".

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fireburner80
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
🚨︎ report
Since it’s spring time you could say.......

.........trees are releafed now

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nickatier_Carbs
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2021
🚨︎ report
My buddy used to paint these beautiful beach scapes when he lived on the coast, but since he’s moved away, he won’t paint any more.

I guess he’s now an ex-cape-artist...

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sully1227
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2021
🚨︎ report
It’s been years since the show ended, and I’m a little annoyed that people are still making β€˜Friends’ references.

No one told me life was gonna be this way.

πŸ‘︎ 119
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
🚨︎ report
been a moment since i used the tea-rex meme template
πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nothrishaant
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
I ran into my nephew yesterday and said, β€œWow! You must have grown a foot since I saw you last.”

He said, β€œNope. Still have two.”

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2021
🚨︎ report
Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant, a lot in my life has changed....

Like, my name, phone number, and address

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Since it's International Women's Day, I'd like to point out some inequality: If my wife wears nothing but one of my t-shirts it's cute, but if I wear nothing but one of her t-shirts...

...I have to leave Home Depot.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mkrjoe
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2021
🚨︎ report
Ever since the power company shut off my electricity

I’ve been in a very dark place.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vagdryna
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
🚨︎ report
I can’t believe it’s been more than 100 years since Einstein published his Theory of Relativity.

It seems like just yesterday.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
🚨︎ report
I have been a part of free Britney since 1999

We called it Napster back then

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/piccolorick
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2021
🚨︎ report
Ever since the Death Star blew up, Anakin has taken to the NY Stock Exchange

He goes by Darth Trader

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotA_Drug_Dealer
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you know that Africa has had no vampires since 1982?

That's the year that Toto blessed the rains there.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
It's been 6 months since I've had chicken.
πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
🚨︎ report
The chicken coop only had 2 doors since if it had 4 doors it would be a sedan.
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
🚨︎ report
Ever Since 2020 It Just Feels Wrong That...

"Every Breath You Take" is a song by a band called The Police.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OranMilne
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
🚨︎ report
Since the start of the pandemic, my friend the baker shut down his bakery and happily idles the day away...

He always liked loafing around.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
🚨︎ report
*This is a literal Dad Joke my father used to tell when I was a kid about 30 years ago. He's almost 80 now and it still makes him laugh.* - So, there was this man named James Fart. Everybody made fun of him since he was very young. "James Fart! James Fart" the bullies used to make him cry...

He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:

-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!

Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.

-Ok, so... your current name is.. Β·chucklesΒ· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...

-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.

After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.

-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?

-Charles Fart.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gone11gone11
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
🚨︎ report
3 months since I had COVID and I’ve still got very little sense of taste.

Sometimes I just find myself settling down on the sofa, opening up Netflix and sticking on Friends

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
My dog was acting a bit angry since I took him to the vets and get him neutered

But I’m not worried, since he doesn’t have the balls to do anything

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tetrahedral_
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
I finally kicked out my girlfriend about six months ago, and it's been nothing but Happy Days for me since.

The bitch took all the other box sets.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
Ever since the pandemic started, every morning I proudly announce to my family that I’m going for a jog and then I don’t...

It’s my longest running joke of the year so far...

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Since the start of the Covid outbreak I own the quietest bar in the land....

Bar none.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
🚨︎ report
My daughter got me a β€œCanada β€œ sweater for Christmas... I asked why since we live in the USA?

β€œIt’s aspirational β€œ she said.

Ooooof...

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sleep_adict
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
🚨︎ report
It's been forever since I've been on this sub

I reckon it was last year

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Ever since I killed one of my chickens with the lawn mower...

all manner of scary, haunting things are happening to me. I may have a poultrygeist.

πŸ‘︎ 104
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife told me today, "Look, I've had this since high school and it still fits me."

Me: "Yeah!!! It's a scarf. "

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Since they are filming Spider-Man 3 near my house, I thought I’d write the lead actor an orchestral piece...

I think I’ll call it β€œMr. Holland’s Opus”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/leeericewing
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Ever since 2017, my New Year’s resolution has been to work on my novel.

Four years going and I’ve almost finished reading it!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ohsopoor
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Since my daughter was born I haven't slept for 11 months.

Because that would be entirely too long.

πŸ‘︎ 62
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πŸ‘€︎ u/attemptednotknown
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I heard they were going to broadcast the World Origami Championships this weekend since so many sports are cancelled

Too bad it’s Payperview

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GigaMike123
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
A guy was storing all the facial hair since he was young and had created a huge pile.

When his wife told him to get rid of it, he said "no, it's a must stash".

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Schrodingers_liar
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Since the very beginning, man has been panning for gold and using it as trade.

Our ancestors called it the prime-ore-deal soup

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sanicle
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Since the US has a shortage of coins

Does that mean we have a lack of common cents?

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jHugley328
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend has been really sad ever since Tom Petty died.

That’s why he don’t come around here no more.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MGreenMN
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I've taken up online yoga since the COVID-19 outbreak started.

It helps me namaste at home.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UndaVosari
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife and I bought a water bed recently but ever since then...

...we’ve drifted apart.

πŸ‘︎ 801
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
🚨︎ report
The person who had once kidnapped me got released after serving 10 years in prison. Since then, I secretly follow him to his house every single day without his knowledge.

I guess I'm suffering from 'stalk home' syndrome.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Since his political career is almost over the US vice president is starting his own soda company.

It's called Pence-a-cola.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bozo_dubbed_over
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Since moving to Finland I’ve become addicted to winter sports

It started off with sledging which has finally lead to ski jumping. It’s a real slippery slope

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stiltonfondu
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I recently found out my wiener doesn’t work anymore. I decided to have a funeral since it’s pretty much dead now. My sweet wife asked if anything would make me feel better.

I replied, Perhaps mourning would...

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/legendary-jake
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife has changed dramatically since becoming a vegan.

It's like I've never seen herbivore.

πŸ‘︎ 136
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
It’s been more than 15 years since the show was over, but people are still making β€˜Friends’ references.

No one told me life was gonna be this way.

πŸ‘︎ 79
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
🚨︎ report

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