Why did Superman decide to wrap Lex Luthor in aluminium rather than taking him to jail?

Because then he could truly foil his plans.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAzrael2013
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2021
🚨︎ report
I was standing in front of the bedroom mirror looking myself over, rather unhappy with what I saw. I told my wife "I feel horrible. I look fat. I'm ugly. When did my hair start retreating like this? When did this stretch mark show up? I could use a compliment honey, my self esteem is in the dumps."

She looked at me and replied "your eyesight is damn near perfect."

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ“…︎ May 12 2021
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The police pulled over a semi going 120 mph on the interstate. Upon opening the trailer, they found thousands of ancient cutting tools similar to an axes but with the cutting edges perpendicular to the handle rather than parallel.

She was hauling adze!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2021
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Though I did find the color palate of this particular film rather surprising
πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
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My style of painting is rather curious

so I asked the model to pose me a question.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shu-di
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2021
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Would you rather eat a steak, or see a comet?

I’d rather eat a steak... because they’re more meteor.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AdamThere
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2021
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Dan Rather asks, "Why is the White House suddenly a very polite place to work?" twitter.com/DanRather/sta…
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
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What do you call a woman that would rather stare at her phone than look up at the Northern lights?

Aurora Borealis

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/timthedriller
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
The rather oppressive female mechanic was trying to sell me 5 new manual transmissions

Luckily, I managed to escape her clutches.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jnolife
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..

A super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis (edited, thanks kind friends for the correction!)

πŸ‘︎ 394
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πŸ‘€︎ u/banditk77
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
🚨︎ report
A nagging wife yelling at her husband "I would rather married Satan than marrying you"

Husband, "legally a brother and sister can't get married"

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mougy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2020
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or rather the gang that has kool vibez
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Banoooooooo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
🚨︎ report
If the Pyramids really were tombs, Would we still call them Pyramids? Rather,

Instead, we should call them DIE-Angles.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Linksys120n
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
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I have asked my wife to use chrome rather than other web browsers

I just don't like to see her on edge so much.

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tommigord
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife and I recently had a child on accident. We didn't want a child at all as we are rather young and wanted to wait a few years. He was born yesterday at the whopping weight of 8 kilos.

We've made a massive mistake

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oxygenatedair66
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
🚨︎ report
There's a rather unknown Greek myth that involved Zeus farting so loudly that it caused powerful lightning storms all over Greece. Panic and chaos ensued, and there was widespread looting as fires raged out on control.

Thus began the Zeus Toot Riots.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hollowbody57
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
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In addition to Taiwan, the US has also sold torpedoes to Vietnam. Rather than pay money, they traded with a huge bulk of food. The weapons are now called ...

Pho Ton Torpedoes.

(A consequence of reading a front page post about the sale to Taiwan while watching ST:TNG.)

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Metalprof
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I asked the chef for butter for my naan and he gave me regular old butter. I went back and said, "hey, I may not look Indian, but I really wanted ghee." He told me rather rudely, "Well, next time you should clarify that."

I told him, "well, this time, you should."

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OK_Compooper
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I got home from work and our parrot said, "Don't tell my husband", which I thought was rather suspicious.

So I walked upstairs to my wife, whose lipstick was smudged, her skirt a mess.

I said, "Honey, I never knew our parrot was gay."

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
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I'd rather be stoned than be hanged
πŸ‘︎ 171
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LogangYeddu
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2020
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After getting a lot of negative reviews due to their rather poor string section, the LAPD Police Band decided to lose all the strings from their performances.

It was finally the long-awaited end of police violins.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OlaviVirtahepo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I was hired to fix tires at the bike shop, but I'd rather be their media guy.

I guess I'm more of a spokesman.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Would you rather eat a baby goat or a madder baby?

Them: what’s a madder baby?

Me: Nothing sugar, what’s a matter with you? 😏


Sorry if this might be a repost, I didn’t make it up but it’s one of my favorite dad jokes of all time. It’s really funny when you get someone aggressive whose like β€œwhat the fucks a madder baby?”

E: added the emoji cuz it’s good to give a sly smirk to finish it off. Also this works MUCH better in person

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DwelveDeeper
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
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Rather large
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mad_Hattr1
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2020
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This was rather punny to me
πŸ‘︎ 456
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jay2op
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2019
🚨︎ report
I asked my friend if he would rather be hit in the genitals really hard, driven over a cliff and smacked in the face by a lesbian OR watch his favourite late night host. β€œThat’s easy”, he replied...

Dick Van Dyke

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thrillho333
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Would you rather be stuck in a cage with a lion or a bear?

Between the two, I’d take the ladder.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zedhead0628
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Single-use highlighters are rather unremarkable.
πŸ‘︎ 188
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KairuSmairukon
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2019
🚨︎ report
If i were an executioner, i’d rather be the guy swinging an axe than the guy tying a rope.

easier to get a head

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aexolthum
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2020
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I've seen most of the speeches that the Pope has made and they always seem rather pompous.

He's always pontificating...

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JeanLuc_Richard
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend is always bragging about his woodworking tool like an axe but with the cutting edge perpendicular to the handle rather than parallel.

What an adze!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I looked rather dapper in my pants, coat and tie, if I don't say so myself!

The clothes suited me.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2020
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I'd rather not
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Paerpie
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
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My friend asked me why I read so much Tolkien. I said it wasn't really a choice, rather...

...I did it Hobbitually.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rubbernipple
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2019
🚨︎ report
This decade was pretty stressful for me. I'd say it was rather 10's.
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YoBoiRudy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2019
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I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Carp8DM
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2019
🚨︎ report
I'd rather die than have immortality
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kurtle_Le_Turtle
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Today I found out there's a sect within Satanists that believes hell isnt fire and brimstone, but rather rime and ice.

This is why they say "Hail, Satan"

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pikkl_rikk
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an incredible set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. Plus, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Edit: I do now realize I misspelled Gandhi. I cannot edit the title, just know that I see it and am sorry.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SamuraiSAM5
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him, A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Edit: Wow! Didn't expect this big reaction! Thanks for the silver! Edit 2: And gold!? Thanks again! :)

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/auroraborora
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hatlesshobo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him, A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

πŸ‘︎ 251
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dandan_56
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Would you rather be a baby goat or a matter baby!

β€œWhat’s a matter baby?”

β€œNothin’ much, what’s a matter with you honey?”

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/juliemariesmith3
πŸ“…︎ Feb 29 2020
🚨︎ report
My daughter just now... β€œDad, would you rather eat a raw fish or a matter baby?”

Me: β€œlove, what’s a matter baby?”

Her: β€œnothing. What’s a matter with you?”

I’m so proud.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scubazz
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an incredible set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. Plus, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Edit: I do now realize I misspelled Gandhi. I cannot edit the title, just know that I see it and am sorry.

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrunkRedditBot
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad: Would you rather kill a goat or a matter baby? Daughter: What’s a matter baby?

Dad:Nothing, what’s the matter with you?

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jxngles
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2020
🚨︎ report

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