Why did Superman decide to wrap Lex Luthor in aluminium rather than taking him to jail?
Because then he could truly foil his plans.
π︎ 10
π
︎ May 27 2021
I was standing in front of the bedroom mirror looking myself over, rather unhappy with what I saw. I told my wife "I feel horrible. I look fat. I'm ugly. When did my hair start retreating like this? When did this stretch mark show up? I could use a compliment honey, my self esteem is in the dumps."
She looked at me and replied "your eyesight is damn near perfect."
π︎ 12
π
︎ May 12 2021
The police pulled over a semi going 120 mph on the interstate. Upon opening the trailer, they found thousands of ancient cutting tools similar to an axes but with the cutting edges perpendicular to the handle rather than parallel.
π︎ 2
π
︎ May 22 2021
Though I did find the color palate of this particular film rather surprising
π︎ 41
π
︎ Dec 19 2020
My style of painting is rather curious
so I asked the model to pose me a question.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Feb 07 2021
Would you rather eat a steak, or see a comet?
Iβd rather eat a steak...
because theyβre more meteor.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Feb 03 2021
π︎ 6
π
︎ Dec 02 2020
What do you call a woman that would rather stare at her phone than look up at the Northern lights?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jan 01 2021
The rather oppressive female mechanic was trying to sell me 5 new manual transmissions
Luckily, I managed to escape her clutches.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Oct 06 2020
Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis (edited, thanks kind friends for the correction!)
π︎ 394
π
︎ Jun 22 2020
A nagging wife yelling at her husband "I would rather married Satan than marrying you"
Husband, "legally a brother and sister can't get married"
π︎ 17
π
︎ Aug 28 2020
or rather the gang that has kool vibez
π︎ 7
π
︎ Aug 26 2020
If the Pyramids really were tombs, Would we still call them Pyramids? Rather,
Instead, we should call them DIE-Angles.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Oct 25 2020
I have asked my wife to use chrome rather than other web browsers
I just don't like to see her on edge so much.
π︎ 36
π
︎ Aug 16 2020
My wife and I recently had a child on accident. We didn't want a child at all as we are rather young and wanted to wait a few years. He was born yesterday at the whopping weight of 8 kilos.
We've made a massive mistake
π︎ 10
π
︎ Jul 25 2020
There's a rather unknown Greek myth that involved Zeus farting so loudly that it caused powerful lightning storms all over Greece. Panic and chaos ensued, and there was widespread looting as fires raged out on control.
Thus began the Zeus Toot Riots.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jul 07 2020
In addition to Taiwan, the US has also sold torpedoes to Vietnam. Rather than pay money, they traded with a huge bulk of food. The weapons are now called ...
Pho Ton Torpedoes.
(A consequence of reading a front page post about the sale to Taiwan while watching ST:TNG.)
π︎ 32
π
︎ May 21 2020
I asked the chef for butter for my naan and he gave me regular old butter. I went back and said, "hey, I may not look Indian, but I really wanted ghee." He told me rather rudely, "Well, next time you should clarify that."
I told him, "well, this time, you should."
π︎ 18
π
︎ Jul 10 2020
I got home from work and our parrot said, "Don't tell my husband", which I thought was rather suspicious.
So I walked upstairs to my wife, whose lipstick was smudged, her skirt a mess.
I said, "Honey, I never knew our parrot was gay."
π︎ 9
π
︎ Sep 02 2020
I'd rather be stoned than be hanged
π︎ 171
π
︎ Feb 11 2020
After getting a lot of negative reviews due to their rather poor string section, the LAPD Police Band decided to lose all the strings from their performances.
It was finally the long-awaited end of police violins.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Aug 22 2020
I was hired to fix tires at the bike shop, but I'd rather be their media guy.
I guess I'm more of a spokesman.
π︎ 23
π
︎ May 21 2020
Would you rather eat a baby goat or a madder baby?
Them: whatβs a madder baby?
Me: Nothing sugar, whatβs a matter with you? π
Sorry if this might be a repost, I didnβt make it up but itβs one of my favorite dad jokes of all time. Itβs really funny when you get someone aggressive whose like βwhat the fucks a madder baby?β
E: added the emoji cuz itβs good to give a sly smirk to finish it off. Also this works MUCH better in person
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jun 02 2020
Rather large
π︎ 7
π
︎ Mar 02 2020
This was rather punny to me
π︎ 456
π
︎ Apr 19 2019
I asked my friend if he would rather be hit in the genitals really hard, driven over a cliff and smacked in the face by a lesbian OR watch his favourite late night host. βThatβs easyβ, he replied...
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jun 07 2020
Would you rather be stuck in a cage with a lion or a bear?
Between the two, Iβd take the ladder.
π︎ 2
π
︎ May 20 2020
Single-use highlighters are rather unremarkable.
π︎ 188
π
︎ Jul 22 2019
If i were an executioner, iβd rather be the guy swinging an axe than the guy tying a rope.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Feb 08 2020
I've seen most of the speeches that the Pope has made and they always seem rather pompous.
He's always pontificating...
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jan 05 2020
My friend is always bragging about his woodworking tool like an axe but with the cutting edge perpendicular to the handle rather than parallel.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Mar 18 2020
I looked rather dapper in my pants, coat and tie, if I don't say so myself!
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jan 11 2020
I'd rather not
π︎ 5
π
︎ Sep 26 2019
My friend asked me why I read so much Tolkien. I said it wasn't really a choice, rather...
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jun 24 2019
This decade was pretty stressful for me. I'd say it was rather 10's.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 01 2019
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Nov 15 2019
I'd rather die than have immortality
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 18 2019
Today I found out there's a sect within Satanists that believes hell isnt fire and brimstone, but rather rime and ice.
This is why they say "Hail, Satan"
π︎ 23
π
︎ Jun 13 2019
Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an incredible set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. Plus, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Edit: I do now realize I misspelled Gandhi. I cannot edit the title, just know that I see it and am sorry.
π︎ 12k
π
︎ Jul 08 2019
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him, A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Edit: Wow! Didn't expect this big reaction!
Thanks for the silver!
Edit 2: And gold!? Thanks again! :)
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Feb 06 2019
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
π︎ 26
π
︎ Apr 17 2020
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him, A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
π︎ 251
π
︎ Mar 23 2020
Would you rather be a baby goat or a matter baby!
βWhatβs a matter baby?β
βNothinβ much, whatβs a matter with you honey?β
π︎ 38
π
︎ Feb 29 2020
My daughter just now... βDad, would you rather eat a raw fish or a matter baby?β
Me: βlove, whatβs a matter baby?β
Her: βnothing. Whatβs a matter with you?β
Iβm so proud.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Apr 04 2020
Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an incredible set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. Plus, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Edit: I do now realize I misspelled Gandhi. I cannot edit the title, just know that I see it and am sorry.
π︎ 41
π
︎ Jan 07 2020
Dad: Would you rather kill a goat or a matter baby? Daughter: Whatβs a matter baby?
Dad:Nothing, whatβs the matter with you?
π︎ 18
π
︎ Jan 20 2020
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