My roof caved in on me... and I no longer feel safe.
I think I have truss issues
π︎ 98
π
︎ May 12 2021
Five-ever is longer than forever
4ever + 1ever = 5ever
5ever > 4ever
π︎ 2
π
︎ May 26 2021
Due to noise complaints, they passed a law in Hawaii that youβre no longer allowed to laugh above a certain decibel...
Now you can only use a low ha
π︎ 91
π
︎ Apr 27 2021
What gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts, inserts snugly in a tight hole and works best when pulled.
π︎ 18
π
︎ May 13 2021
When is a car no longer a car?
When it turns into a driveway.
π︎ 27
π
︎ May 20 2021
What burns longer; a red candle or a blue candle?
Neither; they both burn shorter!
π︎ 16
π
︎ May 01 2021
Me: Doc, I think Iβm no longer canstopetid.
Doctor: Do you mean constipated?
Me: No. I had a vowel movement.
π︎ 12
π
︎ Apr 17 2021
Did you hear they are not making yard sticks any longer?
Theyβre not making them any shorter either.
π︎ 50
π
︎ Mar 12 2021
Ms Wilson, Australian star of the Pitch Perfect movies has announced she no longer believes in Santa.
She is a Rebel without a Claus.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Apr 19 2021
The ship is no longer stuck!
Thankfully the tug boats pulled it off.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Mar 30 2021
I made myself a small open pie filled with sliced apples and sugar, but I misplaced it shortly after. Suddenly I was no longer hungry
I'd completely lost my appletart
π︎ 2
π
︎ Apr 07 2021
No longer taboo
π︎ 153
π
︎ Nov 13 2020
I promised my wife I'd follow her into the afterlife if she died, but it took me longer than expected.
"Finally," she said when I arrived, "you're late."
π︎ 19
π
︎ Feb 24 2021
Did you know your nose can't be longer than 12 inches ?
Otherwise it will be a foot.
π︎ 356
π
︎ Nov 12 2020
My friends and I were playing a game where you have to think of famous Johns. The game ends if you pick a John that is no longer with us.
It's all fun and games until someone gets Hurt.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 31 2021
What do you call a scandal concerning a rich engineer where the list of accusations only gets longer and longer over time?
π︎ 22
π
︎ Jan 24 2021
When geese fly in a V, why is one side of th V always longer than the other side?
There's more geese on that side.
π︎ 12
π
︎ Jan 12 2021
Now that Donald Trump is no longer President, the United States is experiencing post-nut clarity.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jan 26 2021
I would like to announce that I am no longer a masterbater.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Feb 22 2021
When migrating birds fly in the shape of a V, do you know why one side is always longer than the other?
That side has more birds.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Jan 02 2021
What odd number is no longer odd when you remove a letter?
Seven. If you you remove the S it becomes even.
Heard from my nine year old three minutes ago.
Iβve never been more proud.
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Mar 31 2020
I asked the barber to replace most of what the last barber did, make it three times longer, and give it three parts.
He said βoh, you want the Snyder Cutβ.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Dec 30 2020
I'll be in the bathroom a little longer this morning...
Because I've been holding this in since last year. Out of the way!
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jan 01 2021
My dad was told that he could no longer eat solid foods.
It was a hard pill to swallow.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Dec 09 2020
When flying in V formation one side's often longer than the other. Do you know why that is?
That side has more birds on it
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jan 08 2021
I didn't think I would enjoy having longer hair.
But I gotta say it's growing on me.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Dec 22 2020
After the exodus through the Red Sea, Moses's staff could no longer perform miracles, and still he kept it beside him the rest of his life...
...he just couldn't part with it.
π︎ 61
π
︎ Sep 10 2020
I've put on so much weight during Lockdown that my Sumo suit no longer fits me.
On the plus side, I no longer need a Sumo suit.
π︎ 18
π
︎ Nov 13 2020
What do you call a dinosaur who can no longer fart?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 18 2020
Mobile phones have been around longer than people think.
I was watching this film the other day and heard Sir Lancelot ask someone to fetch his charger.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Dec 05 2020
Teenagers are no longer getting many Xmas presents
Because they are in the noughties list.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Dec 12 2020
The World Health Organization has declared that dogs cannot transmit the Corona Virus and should not be quarantined any longer.
W.H.O. Lets the dogs out!
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Mar 07 2020
In an effort to combat climate change, the U.S. Army will no longer allow rabbits to drive vehicles.
This will eliminate 75% of Americaβs car bunny missions.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Dec 02 2020
So many items are no longer made in America...
I just bought a new tv and the box said βbuilt in antennaβ...
I donβt even know where that is!
π︎ 13
π
︎ Nov 20 2020
Dad: Son, did you know that if you, as an American, go into a bathroom in France you are no longer an American? Son: No, I didnβt. What would I be?
Dad: Youβre a peeinβ.
π︎ 58
π
︎ Sep 06 2020
What is shorter than longer
Count the letters. What has 4, longer has 6.
π︎ 58
π
︎ Sep 04 2020
What do you call a pasta that's not too bad but could be better if it was cooked a little longer?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 18 2020
Did you know theyβre not making yardsticks any longer?
Fortunately, theyβre not making them any shorter either.
π︎ 46
π
︎ Mar 21 2021
When geese are migrating they form a "V" shape, but do you know why one side is always longer than the other?
Because there are more geese on that side.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Dec 16 2020
When ducks fly in a V one side is always longer. Do you know the reason?
π︎ 9
π
︎ Nov 28 2020
My dad was told that he could no longer eat solid foods.
It was a hard pill to swallow.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Dec 09 2020
When geese fly in a V formation, one side is always longer than the other. Do you know why that is?
There are more birds on that side.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Oct 29 2020
The World Health Organization announced dogs cannot contract COVID-19 and indicated they should no longer be quarantined.
π︎ 38
π
︎ Sep 28 2020
Why is one side longer then the other when ducks fly in a V?
Because thereβs more ducks on that side
π︎ 2
π
︎ Dec 09 2020
So I heard they are not making yard sticks any longer.
Just 3 feet and no longer.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Nov 13 2020
When ducks are flying south, they fly in a V formation. But one side is always longer. Do you know why?
There's more ducks on that side.
(As told by my father)
π︎ 46
π
︎ Jul 08 2020
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