What is a pun joke Dadβs favorite dessert?
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︎ Oct 04 2019
If you spell the words βAbsolutely Nothingβ backwards, you get βGnihton Yletulosba,β which ironically means...
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︎ Feb 15 2021
I regret nothing
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︎ Jan 26 2021
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasnβt happy at all. βHow much have you had to drink?β she asked sternly, staring at me. βNothingβ I slurred. βLook at me!β she shouted. βItβs either me or the pub, which one is it?β
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, βItβs you. I can tell by the voice.β
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︎ Dec 27 2020
If Queen Elizabeth farts during dinner, all the other guests are supposed to pretend as if nothing happened.
Noble gases have no reaction.
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︎ Jan 10 2021
3 men are stuck on a boat with 4 cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.
They throw one over board and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
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︎ Jan 19 2021
I have a good friend who wears clothes made of nothing but carpet.
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︎ Jan 28 2021
My dad's not allowed to speak Japanese, let alone teach the language. But there's nothing that says he can't teach Japanese cooking and geography. So far, I just learned the cooking tools and the location of the country.
This is Japan, this is ja-spatula, this is ja-whisk, this is ja-wok, this is ja-mixer, this is ja-fork, this is ja-spoon, and these are ja-chopsticks.
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︎ Jan 24 2021
They have milkshakes with whipped cream and cherries at Chick-fil-A, but nothing more elaborate...
Otherwise, they might have to work on sundaes.
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︎ Feb 15 2021
Ainβt nothing but a heart break
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︎ Sep 18 2020
Her: What are you giggling about? Me: Oh, nothing...
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︎ Jan 21 2021
Moove Along Nothing to see here
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︎ Jan 16 2021
Peter Brown the world famous hairdresser told his son, that he's leaving him nothing in his will....
I can't believe he's cutting off his own heir.
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︎ Feb 03 2021
Phil is to blame for this one, nothing to do with me.
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︎ Sep 06 2020
A book my son is reading. Nothing but fart jokes/puns
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︎ Nov 11 2020
Nothing I can do about it
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︎ Aug 01 2020
Nothing in the English language...
...starts with N and ends with G
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︎ Jan 29 2021
Nothing flashy
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︎ Sep 02 2020
Nothing really mattress, couldn't chair less
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︎ Oct 31 2020
I finally kicked out my girlfriend about six months ago, and it's been nothing but Happy Days for me since.
The bitch took all the other box sets.
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︎ Jan 03 2021
What is as big as a hippopotamus but weighs nothing at all?
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︎ Jan 13 2021
Thereβs nothing better than relaxing to Beyonce.
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︎ Jan 18 2021
There is nothing kawaii about Hawaii.
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︎ Nov 18 2020
What do you call it when there is nothing on your math homework?
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︎ Jan 04 2021
Nothing special tuna-ight
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︎ Oct 31 2020
Itβs a shame nothing is made in the USA anymore.
I just bought a TV that said βBuilt in Antennaβ. I donβt even know where that is!
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︎ Oct 21 2020
Never date a tennis player
Love means nothing to them
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︎ Feb 04 2021
Goldilocks, running from the 3 bears, finds herself in a dead end with nothing but a bag of ice. Papa bear is Drunk and scary. What happens next?
A Goldy-smack with a cold sack in a cul de sac, which is more than a bear with beer could bare.
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︎ Dec 16 2020
This might be my crowning achievement. If it's been done before, I apologize for nothing. Grape minds think alike- nope wrong fruit.
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︎ Nov 15 2020
Fuck being home all day doing nothing!!
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︎ Dec 03 2020
Just spent $300 on hiring a limousine and discovered the fee doesn't include a driver.
Can't believe I've spent all that money and have nothing to chauffer it.
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︎ Jan 29 2021
Iβm a really short guy, and I always seem to pick fights over nothing
Itβs hard trying to be the bigger person!
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︎ Dec 08 2020
Nothing goes wrong on my watch
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︎ Aug 03 2020
There is nothing stronger than a finger gun...
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︎ Dec 17 2020
Tanks for nothing
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︎ Sep 09 2020
Nothing tops...
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︎ Dec 03 2020
I regret nothing :p
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︎ Aug 30 2020
I just realized nothing starts with "n" and ends with "g"
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︎ Jun 23 2020
As a short guy, I was completely sure there was nothing to be done about my height. I went to the doctor, turns out I had scoliosis.
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︎ Aug 23 2020
A man who had just died was delivered to the mortuary wearing a beautiful black suit.
The mortician asked the deceasedβs wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit heβs already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says βI donβt care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.β The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, βwhatever this costs Iβm very satisfied, you did an excellent job and Iβm incredibly grateful. How much did you spend?β To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says βthereβs no charge.β Shocked she replies βno really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.β βHonestly maβamβ, the mortician says, βit costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice. So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads.β
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︎ Jan 07 2021
I really wanted to be there for the birth of my child. I drove like an idiot and almost got into an accident. But when I reached the hospital, I found out it was all for nothing.
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︎ Nov 05 2020
How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh?
Nothing, it's on the house.
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︎ Dec 23 2020
This just in: 2 men broke into the city bank using nothing more than a few mannequin limbs.
Officials say we are dealing with an armed robbery
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︎ Oct 14 2020
Nothing says "oH lOoK aT mE" like someone playing a tuba.
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︎ Oct 30 2020
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasnβt happy at all. βHow much have you had to drink?β she asked sternly, staring at me. βNothingβ I slurred. βLook at me!β she shouted. βItβs either me or the pub, which one is it?β
I paused for a second while I thought and said, βItβs you. I can tell by the voice.β
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︎ Jun 10 2020
Nothing to see here
I told you there's nothing to see here?
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︎ Nov 16 2020
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