My friend called me in a panic and shouted, “An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don’t know what to do!” Frantically, I drove all the way to his house only to find out...
...he’s really a big lyre.
Saw this sitting outside my house and had to take advantage of it
My son asked me today what do you call a damaged horse house?
Unstable.
Fair play have to hand it to him.. he got me.
I just saw 10 ants frantically running around my kitchen. I felt bad so I built them a small house.
Now I’m their landlord and I collect rent from my tenants.
All day long my cat lazes around the house, saying he is hurt. I told him to quit being a hypochondriac
but he just keeps saying "me ow"
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to a pub...
And its a 45 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.
I made a small house with a cardboard box for the group of 10 ants running around in my room. Technically, I am now their landlord and they are my...
I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside the house today and gave her one last chance...
Unfortunately, she blew it...
My new house has a lot of trap doors.
During my walkthrough it was a floor gone conclusion.
My nephew is working on the new house for his wife and two boys.
He plans to have one sunroom and two son rooms.
Someone broke into my house and stole my anti depression pills
Somebody broke into my house and stole my Oxford English Dictionary.
I can't believe somebody had the nerve to break into my house and steal my limbo stick.
I mean seriously, how low can you go?
My son asked me to go into the house so he can tell me something funny...
I wanted to go over to my German girlfriend's house at 8:51...
But she said "nein" to nine to nine.
I thought I saw a crocodile in the laneway behind my house.
But then I saw him a bit later, so it must have been an alley-gator.
My house got broken into last night and they stole over 100 cans of red bull..
I don’t know how they sleep at night
Bob Dylan came to my house the day after Daylight Savings and adjusted all of my clocks.
He said the times they were a-changin’.
After my son’s team won the soccer game, the goalkeeper invited us to his house for a party.
It was the father, the son, and the goalie host.
Robber broke into my house to find money
When I was renovating my house, I found a secret stash hidden in the walls.
Someone drew a mustache on the wall behind the wall paper.
The stakes were really raised when I welcomed a vampire into my house.
that's it. that's the whole joke
My grandpa just came over to my house with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast. Miffed, I questioned, “Who's this guy?” Gramps chuckled and replied, "Who, him?"
"This is my hip replacement!"
A man attempted to kill me in my own house last night...
Luckily I was in my living room.
When we moved into my new house, our next door neighbour presented us with a bunch of logs for our fireplace.
It was ...a house warming gift.
My wife went to get a pedicure with her mother. She sent me a text saying that they have an exfoliating, foot scrub that has CBD/Hemp oil in it and she was going to try it out...I replied “baby, do you realize that you left the house with slippers on...
But you are coming back with high heels”. Her mom sent me a text asking me what I said that made my wife throw her phone in to her lap and groan aloud. Mission accomplished haha
Came with the house my brother bought. The thing sticking out is his tuning fork
Actual conversation at my house while preparing burgers
Me: “Boys, do you want Gouda cheese on your burgers?”
Husband: “Hurry up and answer your mom. Do you want Gouda cheese or bad cheese on your burger?”
LIFE RANT: yesterday was the first day I’ve been outside my house since coronavirus started, I just wanted to get some Jimmy Johns. It’s been 3 months, I ordered a #16 Club Lulu, something seemed off but by the time I got to the car I realized...
My wife said I should put the mask on if I'm leaving the house - and so I always do.
But my dog has to be so sick of that stupid movie by now.
My house was broken into last night!
The Idiots took my dictionary and my scrabble board. I tell you friends.... I'm lost for words!
What do I do when my ice house falls apart?
Igloo it back together again.
I hired a group of protestant religious sect members to haul my furniture to my new house...
They were movers and Shakers.
A thief broke into my house last night looking for money
Someone toilet papered my house last night
The ghost in my house is always honest when admitting to making a mess
You could say they are very transparent.
HELP! A random car was left outside of my house with my name on it!
I've caught the car owner virus !
I rang the council to see if I could have a skip outside my house
They said "You can do cartwheels and star jumps for all care!" And put the phone down
Today a man came to my house and asked for a small donation towards a local swimming pool
I gave him a glass of water
Cow in front of my house was showing me real attitude
The last of my preprepred boards. Might have to put it up outside my house now!
My house got swallowed up by the earth today
Not a good sinkhole de mayo
Someone broke into my house last night and stole my limbo trophy. How low can you go?
My wife told me to flip off the thermostat before we left the house. I don’t think she appreciated how I followed her instructions.
My wife just kicked me out of the house
Her exact words were, "I'm Aaron out the house today"
My friend boasted that he domesticates cats from Africa for a living. I stopped by his work, and he was working with house cats...
Me and my wife were scrambling to leave the house today. I happened to introduce myself to the mailman at the perfect time. His name was Mikey. Just then I turned back inside...
And yelled "HONEY, I FOUND THEM!"
I was showing my friend my new house and said, “This is the ground floor..”
Him: “What’s upstairs?”
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
The company that made the lift in my house is called Schindler. Yup. That's right. It's a Schindler's lift.
As the man of the house, I always have the last word when my wife and I disagree about what to do.
Usually it's something like "yes dear."
Found this glove zip tied to the stop sign across from my house.
The police have just turned up at my house and arrested my dog.
Apparently he had unpaid barking tickets.
A computer engineer came to my house. I said, "I can't get aroused by programs and other operating information on my machine."
He said, "Software?"
I said, "In my pants."
My wife is threatening to kick me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.
More on this after the break.
My lesbian friends wanted a Full House themed wedding, but the priest refused.
He didn’t want to marry Kate and Ashley.
My wife threatened to kick me out of the house if I did not stop acting like a Flamingo.
That was when I put my foot down!
I accidentally broke my most expensive bottle of booze in the house!
Luckily, I was able to fix it with my scotch tape!
My friend told me he never disinfects his house, but I don’t trust him.
My brother was stressing that someone in our house could contract the coronavirus by going out for supplies.
My dad responded: "We could all be getting viruses from our computers right now."
My dad said he's the best dad in the house...
I walked down my old street where the houses were numbered 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k and 1MB.
It was a trip down memory lane.
When I was a child I was over my grandmothers house watching a movie, when suddenly I heard my grandmother shout from upstairs "Call me an ambulance!"
I found it odd, but she sounded serious, so I shouted back up "Grandma, you're an ambulance!" and continued watching my movie. At the end of the movie I was still confused about why she wanted me to call her an ambulance so I went upstairs to ask her.
Sadly, when I got up there I found her on the floor dead. I never did find out why she said that.
How much did it cost me to get the perfect size Christmas tree for my house?
Thieves broke into my house and stole everything but my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant.
I pinned a Rolex to the post just outside my house
It's the neighborhood watch.
Today my real estate agent showed me a house that had mirrors as siding
I could really see myself in it
I put a miniature black hole in my house
It really brings the family together
My son wants a porcupine without quills as a house pet.
I said, “That’s completely pointless.”
Went to my date’s house after dinner last night and saw she had a Soviet flag covering the entire wall
I knew that was a big red flag
The power went out in my house today.
I didn't realize that Santander repossessed my house...
No one expected the Spanish requisition
My friend came over to my house for a drink late one night.
"Where's your wife?" he asked.
I said, "Oh, she's gone out to build tennis equipment with Danny."
"Do you really believe that? Danny doesn't even play tennis," he replied.
"Well," I replied. "She said they were going to make a racket."
My son says I can't leave the house on a skateboard made out of a human leg.
But I'm going out on a limb and do it anyway.
I was cold in the house and asked my Dad to turn the heating up. He said “Go stand in the corner....
I was in a cab one time and got curious. I asked the cabbie if he liked his job. He said, “Oh sure. I’m out of the house, away from my nagging wife and I don’t have anyone telling me what to do.”
I told him, “Turn right at the next corner.”
I was told to be sure to use the right nails for putting down trim in my house, but I can't find any.
At this point, I'm not even sure Finland makes nails!
My friend Adam was telling me how, in addition to marrying a hot super model whose daddy bought the house he lives in and the car he drives just for marrying his daughter, he was also sexing up a hot stewardess. I found it hard to believe...
Because Adams make up everything!
The military just came to my house. Guess what I did
Somebody broke into my house and stole my limbo stick!
I mean... how low can you get!
It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub. It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering
I’m so angry right now, someone broke into my house and stole my limbo stick...
A guy broke into my house last night and was looking for money.
So I got up and looked with him.
Me: this is my house
Friend: what's upstairs
Me: stairs don't talk
its a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub and a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house
The difference is staggering
My pastor friend refused to participate in a Full House themed lesbian wedding.
He didn’t want to marry Kate and Ashley.
I was in my room and saw 10 ants running frantically. I felt bad for them, so I built a house for them. This kinda makes me their landlord and that kinda makes them my...
My wife is threatening to kick me out of the house because of my obsession with impersonating a news anchor...
More on this after the break.
It's a five minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
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