In My House Puns

...he’s really a big lyre.

Tenants.

But then I saw him a bit later, so it must have been an alley-gator.

Someone drew a mustache on the wall behind the wall paper.

Luckily I was in my living room.

But you are coming back with high heels”. Her mom sent me a text asking me what I said that made my wife throw her phone in to her lap and groan aloud. Mission accomplished haha

You could say they are very transparent.

She was being Moo-dy.

Luckily, I was able to fix it with my scotch tape!

My dad responded: "We could all be getting viruses from our computers right now."

He didn’t want to marry Kate and Ashley.

...he can quarantee it.

Tenants

It really brings the family together

I was delighted.

... it’s 90 degrees”

I told him, “Turn right at the next corner.”

At this point, I'm not even sure Finland makes nails!

Because Adams make up everything!

Because it’s swedished

I guess I’ll always live in my fathers chateau.

Me: Son, your bath is ready!

Son: I'm just getting my toys!

Me: Oh... Hello just getting my toys, if you see my son can you tell him his bath's ready?

What a pane.

I’m unable to deal with the current situation.

He is living in denial.

I said "corners were cut during its construction"

So when I say pick your feet up because I'm washing the floors you pick your feet up!

I’m in it for the long hall.

My son's been drinking whisky that's only aged for two years.

He's the dumbest thirteen-year-old I've ever met.

But I don’t give Edam!

I chose the ladder.

Hey always enjoyed a good roast

...They said anyone could’ve made that mistake. If you ask me, the whole thing was just badly handled.

He was my Father’s Son with the Holy Post.

...right out the window.

He seems pretty cool. Had some good conversation. He said he wants to be a web developer.

He’s a Buddha pest

Cause I like to move it , move it. I like to move it, move it.

Because nature abhors a vacuum

He said it’s clearly offensive.

Thank god I was dragged out by the Smiths.

We call it the decoration of independence.

I looked right at her and said Urine trouble.

I was delighted.

I guess that gives me an excuse to be naked then.

Now they're sunk beds.

He came over and saw this. I honestly don't know why he wasn't prepared for that.

They got me for wreckless driving.

It was a reduction.

So I have to stand outside and shout them in

I just think it fits better in my bathroom

But in my driveway is where I draw the line!

I haven’t had a boner in 2 years.

I told her it was border line abuse.

"...but I don't like to point fingers."

My only question to her was, how many stories would it be?

Snaples.

Now we are in it for the long hall.

Guest: "What's your secret?"

Cash: "We go in the yard"

Ok, but I'd rather you hop real slow. Bathroom falls account for the majority of home injuries.

To be honest though, it was just a waste of time

He’s a scarab.

I think I need to hire a Bounty hunter.

But it was a complete fabrication.

Because its a little chili.

We’ve been having a lot of issues getting everything to work, so it was hard for my roommate to resist the excitement when I turned everything on and it worked. I, on the other hand, was shocked.

"Have you tried the Alphabetical Order House dictionary? It's way easier to find stuff."

My dad: "We have some hydrangeas, except the deer ate them down to one inch." My uncle: "So I guess they're low-drangeas now." I chuckled, but my aunt sighed heavily.

I'm glue-ten intolerant.

I said "I bet it was so startled it milipeed it's pants'

And she said "Yeah if we have stables, we can offer livery services. People pay a lot for that."

I said, "yeah, and you can also grow some crops, like onions, if we had the land."

Long pause...

"Then you can offer livery and onion services!"

...it makes me Confucian all night long.

He was stealing my highly collectible antique board games, and I must have surprised him, because he threw one at my head. Just before I was knocked unconcious, I saw my Life flash before my eyes.

Her: "Its too male in here!"

Me: "Its not like we're in the post office."

My dad my brother and my mom all looked at me confused.

Me: "She said it was too male in here."

All three of them got up from the table and left the room.

My wife said "For each one we kill, two emerge."

I said "Looks like we have a flydra problem on our hands."

She walked off.

"Just kitt'en!"

No doubt she's a Cat-holic.

I guess you could call it a boo-tea call.

....guess I shouldn't go to Doctors Without Hoarders......

It keeps asking for boos.

Now I have to park my Subaru outback

I told her to go into the corner, it's 90 degrees!

I said " Go stand in the corner to warm up, it's 90 degrees."

I told her to go sit in a corner. They're all 90 degrees.