press F to pay respect for ray
I pulled up next to three super scary looking bikers today, with the names ‘Obtuse’, ‘Acute’, and ‘Right’ emblazoned on their respective jackets…
I suspect they were Hell’s Angles.
People think being a waiter isn't a respectable job.
But, hey, it puts food on the table.
Did you know you should always be respectful of people who wear glasses?
Because they pay good money to see you.
My daughter thinks I’m nosy and don’t respect her boundaries.
At least, that’s what she wrote in her diary.
How did the marauders react when accused of not respecting boundaries?
I knew a skilled and well-respected plastic surgeon, but they refused to do breast implants or reductions.
It just wasn’t their areola of expertise.
We should all give more respect to those that wear glasses
They literally paid to see us
What is it called when two celebrities are fighting?
Small people have my utmost respect
They always look up to me:)
I am so unlucky in love...
I asked out a blind lady for a date yesterday and she said she was seeing someone.
A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get you?"
Those upset about all the cow jokes should learn from the cow, the most forgiving of animals.
They are always ready to turn the udder cheek, because they know that forgiveness is bovine.
Talk about being disMAYed.
What do you call a respectful neapolitan?
Dads...Get revenge on your children, by rushing into their room at 4am and asking them...
If you can open your Fathers Day presents.
Did you know that they called JFK "John Kennedy" before he was assassinated.
The "F" was added later to pay respects.
Terrance was the most dangerous and least respected hardship on the Oregon trail
Scholars say over half of fatalities were caused by dissin’ terry
How do you pay respects at Jar Jar Binks’s funeral?
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates my posts. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't seen my posts yet.
Sprung this on my wife this morning
As we were leaving for our respective jobs, the opportunity presented itself thus:
Wife: My bike seat is a bit dewy.
Me: At least it'll be easy to sort.
I had to remind her that she has a library science degree before she got it...
What's Lady GaGa's favorite vegetable?
(Ra Ra) Roma (ma) tomatoes
There were two astronauts having coffee, one of them was complaining about not being able to use milk.
The other astronaut said, "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."
I think lamps don't show electricity enough respect...
They just make light of it
My husband told me that for Christmas I should make a wreath out of $100 dollar bills
I've just invented the first thought controlled air freshner.
It makes scents, when you think about it.
To commemorate the opening of the Channel Tunnel, two boats were raced from France and England respectively.
Tunnel boring is kind of ... well, boring ... so the Eurotunnel publicity people thought it would be neat to show something on the surface when the tunnel opened. Because of the way the dual channel 'Chunnel' was excavated, with the tunnels meeting each other half-way, it was decided that two twin-hull ships should cross each other over the channel waters (one starting from Dover called "One Two Three - Go!" and once starting from Calais called "Un Duex Trois - Alles!").
The idea was for them to pass each other and set off confetti and so on for publicity reasons. Unfortunately the weather on the channel was so inclement to the catamarans that the Un Deux Trois cat' sank.
I saw a video of a gender re-assignment operation, they have my respect
I had dinner at one of those cowboy restaurants. The waiter came over and asked, “Do ya wanna box for those leftovers?” I was with my wife. I couldn’t say no, and didn’t want to say yes, so I replied,
“No, but I’ll wrestle you for them.”
I lost 3 fingers on my right hand, so I asked my doctor if I would still be able to write with it.
She said "maybe but I wouldn't count on it".
Of all of the inventions of the 20th century, I really respect whiteboards.
My uncle and aunt say they're thinking of getting a waterbed.
That got me to thinking, why do I never see anyone shopping to sleep in an airbed, or an earthbed, or a flamebed?
Where's the respect for the other elebeds?
If I told my kids what they were getting in my will
What did the skydiver say after he grabbed the wrong bag
Why did the guitar hate music class at school?
He was always getting picked on.
When you pass away, what's the last thing on your body to die?
Your pupils, because they dilate
Why does time pass quickly for Spiderman?
He only experiences 11 months of the year, he doesn't have May
I just thought of this one. I'm sure someone thought of this before now, but..... What did the archer ask the pepper?
"do you habanero?"
I pre-tested this joke on the wife. The eye roll and groan made me think it was worthy to post here.
My ten-year-old daughter came up with this at dinner tonight: What do you get if put a copy of Macbeth on top of a dictionary?
I fired the janitor for smoking pot…
Because I can’t stand high maintenance people.
My daughter thinks I don't respect her privacy
At least that's what she wrote in her diary.
We should respect the people who wear glasses
They pay a lot of money just to see us...
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