A+ Honorable child
"All rise."
The baker said humbly, "you don't need to do that." The rolls responded:
"It's the yeast we can do."
He was a real stand-up guy.
“thank you for your cervix.”
[removed]
After years of research he started selling bouquets of laminate, hardwood and tile. He became the first floorist.
Did you know the temperature of a Bacta tank is lukewarm?
Because you can always be our bi-son, and even if you don't feel like shooting straight, we will always be trans-parent with you. You are loved.
Judge: it's assault
I know it's a salt, is it a crime though?
After my dads 61st birthday card, he said one would of been fine.
Broommates
Apologies for not following the usual formatting. My father-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer a few months ago. A few weeks ago, we learned it had spread to his brain. Later that day, he told me:
“Well, everyone came by after they heard about the lung cancer and told me how strong and great I am, and that I’d beat lung cancer...”
pauses for effect
“...I guess I let it go to my head.”
Edit: thank you all for the kind words (and the silver/gold/platinum...I’ll be making matching gifts to St. Jude’s or a similar organization).
Yes he was a great man. At age 20 he was given 3 months to live due to another ‘incurable’ disease. He stuck around for another 45+ years. I could go on and on...
"Your honor, my client is CLEARLY not a flight risk."
The police track them to a motel, but can't narrow it down further. They call the judge and he writes out a warrant to search room #8 at the motel. Police break down the door and arrest the gang of cows with the stash.
Later the police captain calls the judge, "Your honor, how did you know where the gang would be hiding?"
Judge says, "It's easy Captain. Cows always room in 8".
There was a little town in Mexico, right across the border from Texas. They got a taste for Mayonnaise from the Cowboys crossing the border to eat. Soon they created a festival for their love of Mayonnaise. They’d have every type of mayonnaise you could think of. Folks loved it. The 10th anniversary of the festival was coming up and they decided they wanted to do something special. They heard of a place in England that made the worlds very best. They placed their order and was told it would be shipped overseas to them by boat. Because they had placed such a large order, the only ship capable of carrying it was the Titanic. The folks were waiting excitedly until the morning that the Titanic had hit a iceberg. When the news came that they wouldn’t get their shipment and to honor those lives lost, they decided to rename their festival. It became known as “Sinko De Mayo.”
It's a running joke.
Happy Father's Day to all Dads that make us laugh with their ridiculous jokes!
Me: Daddy I’m thirsty!
My dad: Hi thirsty I’m Fridy lets go Saturdy and get a Sundy.
I’m sure it’s not original but it makes me laugh to think of how I was making my dad insane asking for a DRIIINNNKKK and he would always come back with this.
Stalling Society of ...
of ...
of ...
of ...
of ...
America.
... I think you'd get a real kick out of it.
If you don't like that, get an adding machine, because that's what counts.
who passed away this month in 2004, I'd like to repeat something he's said to me often throughout his years.
Dad: "Hey Son"
Me: "Yeah Dad?"
Dad: "See that place over there?" points to cemetery
Me: "Yeah? What about it?"
Dad: "People are just dying to get in there."
She could be Amanda Mandalorian DeLorean
Because their horns don't work.
In honor of Ludwig von Beethoven's 250th birthday ...
What is Beethoven doing to celebrate his 250th birthday?
He's decomposing!
Not yelling and screaming like all the other people in the car he was driving at the time.
The Aluminumati.
I got him a new watch so he could be on time instead.
“In my defense, Your Honor, there were no signs of fowl play”
"It's surely not my fault that you haven't been promoted."
Called Neverland Ranch.
Judge: Say no more, may divorce be with you!
Father: "So, how does it feel being a dad?"
Son: "It feels good. I'm a bit scared of course, but so excited at the same time. How does it feel being a grandfather?"
Father: "It feels pretty great. You've always been a good son and I've been patiently waiting for this special moment. There's something now that I have to give you."
The son watches curiously as his father pulls a large tome out of his backpack with exquisite text on the cover: 'The Big Book of Dad Jokes'.
Father: " For generations these sacred texts have been passed down through the patriarchs of our family. My father gave it to me when you were born and now, as a new father yourself, I bestow it to you. With this book you will have all the knowledge needed to become a truly great Dad."
Son: " Wow, Dad, this is amazing! Truly! I'm... I'm honored."
The father smiles as he extends his arm out to shake his son's hand and says,
"Nice to meet you, Honored. I'm Dad."
I'm really not a mourning person.
Would it be weighted?
Friend: sigh. I can’t believe they charge me $25 to automatically file my state return. Anyway, love you dad hope you’re having an OK day :) Dad: thanks. Love you W-2.
I plan on having a beer outside sitting on our Paddy O'Furniture.
I'd like to share a poem that my own dad wrote for his mom once upon a time:
M is for the many things she gave me.
O is for the other things she gave me.
T is for the things she gave me.
H is for her things she gave me.
E is for everything she gave me.
R is for the rest of the things she gave me.
Happy Mother's Day to all mothers!
It's a distinction without a difference
Apologies for not following the usual formatting. My father-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer a few months ago. A few weeks ago, we learned it had spread to his brain. Later that day, he told me:
“Well, everyone came by after they heard about the lung cancer and told me how strong and great I am, and that I’d beat lung cancer...”
pauses for effect
“...I guess I let it go to my head.”
Edit: thank you all for the kind words (and the silver/gold/platinum...I’ll be making matching gifts to St. Jude’s or a similar organization).
Yes he was a great man. At age 20 he was given 3 months to live due to another ‘incurable’ disease. He stuck around for another 45+ years. I could go on and on...
