His brother Frank was an absolute monster.
It was D-grading.
I had a friend once named Tobias. I told him, I don’t have a foot fetish but I do have a Toe Bias.
Why did the police arrest the turkey? > They suspected fowl play.
What would you get if you crossed a turkey with a ghost? > A poultrygeist!
Why did the turkey cross the road twice? > To prove he wasn’t a chicken!
What key won’t open any door? > A turkey!
If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? > Goblet.
Fruit comes from a fruit tree, so where does turkey come from? > A poul-tree.
What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad? >They turn into blueberries.
What kind of cars would pilgrims drive today? > Plymouth.
A termite walks into a pub and asks, "Is the bartender here?"
The blank stares before you get it make it all the more amusing. To us.
In my computer science course, my very old professor busts this out during a discussion of logic:
"I went to a logic conference once, and the lecturer said, 'it's interesting that a double negative gives you a positive, isn't it? I mean, a double positive doesn't give you a negative.'
Someone from the back of the room scoffed and went, 'yeah, yeah.'"
Half the class chuckled, half the class groaned.
My 11 month old son picks up a small rock from outside and puts it in his mouth. GF: what did he just shove in his mouth? Me : (as im pulling it out) don't worry, it's just the capital of Arkansas but I got it. GF: face palm
For our three year anniversary, the girlfriend decided we should go to this craftstore and paint/glaze some art in a kiln to remember this anniversary. I reluctantly agreed.
We start browsing the examples of what other people had done and we see a mugs painted like flowers, minions, and one painted as Harry Potter.
At which I said, "Oh look. Harry Pottery."
The laugh I got out of the worker made the trip worth it. The girlfriend was just embarrassed. I was proud.
Context: I just painted my nails, and I wasn't pleased with the outcome.
Me: Well, I had already written off this mani anyway... Sigh, yes, I just said mani.
His response: Well, it would be pretty pedi of me to mock you for it.
Just got this email:
>Q: Who are the trendiest people in a hospital?
>A: The hip replacement guys.
Let me preface this with some info. Firstly, me and my father are idiots; our jokes can become insensitive if we aren't careful, as we have few filters. My parents live in a tiny town amidst a thousand other tiny towns. One of the tiny towns right beside us (let's call it Townsburg) has a lot of forest and extra land, so towards the end of the summer when it's still hot but the land is starting to dry out, it's rather susceptible to fires. The other day, Townsburg caught fire in a few different places. The town my parents live in (we'll call it Cityville) is the sausage capital of our state. Yep. Sausage capital. Like brisket and such. Our proudest export is meat. Meat is what we are most proud of. I don't live there anymore, thank the universe.
So I went by my parents house on the way home from work one day to check on my retired, sick father, and watch the news with him (something I try to do whenever I can). And what happened next, well, it all just happened so fast...
Me: "Who... keep reading on reddit ➡
Idk how many of you have seen the post that the redditor said they pulled out a dollar (or card) that said otherwise. I enjoyed it so much that I decided to honor that redditor and spread his legacy with the ones in my life. They may very well not see this post, many may have forgotten about their amazing wit already, but I will make sure that "I have a card that says otherwise" lives on http://imgur.com/DQdAVqa
-Knock knock! -Who's there? -To! -To who? EHEM...To whom!
Talking to my dad about a physics lecture given by a German professor before dinner. Me: "So, how did he explain Gauss' Law?" Dad: "In German, of course!"
Later, while eating dessert, I saw him eating chocolates Me: "Dad, did you just eat 4 of those chocolates by yourself?" Dad: "No, not by myself. You were with me"
My friend made poached eggs for breakfast.
Me: you know how to poach eggs?
Him: Yes, I illegally hunt them in the African plains.
Ok so my Dad was helping me move into my new uni accommodation last month and in the process we had to carry a lot of heavy boxes up my rather steep stairs.
Understandably, being a man in his 50's, he was a little bit worn out after lugging several metre-by-metre crates up to my room, generally full of heavy electrical equipment and books. After letting out a deep sigh he exhaled - 'Crikey, this is like the Great Stairs Crisis of 1965!'.
To my knowledge, or indeed to anyone else's knowledge (including my dad's), so such crisis ever occurred. I just hope he didn't hear my housemate sniggering in his room downstairs*; he does love a good dad joke.
*Ironically I've noticed that laughing at Dad jokes tends to make said Dad more depressed than when you don't, since they're usually fully aware of how bad their joke is and laughing at it only serves to remind them of the fact that people are actually paying attention to the regrettable nonsense which often leaves their mouths.