Worthiness Puns

Though usually dad jokes are groan-worthy puns, I think this fits the category as a very dad-like joke despite the lack of punnery:

I got a message from my truck driver brother-in-law, who says he's hauling "post holes and sailboat fuel" back home today.

His brother Frank was an absolute monster.

A Pear-Ent

So when they get back to port, they can Scandinavian

Friend: mmmm, I love seafood. Me: mmm I see food, I eat it.

The taste.

I turn to her and say “I bet he don’t have the guts to do that again”

Edit: holy shit y’all this blew up. Thank you master dads. I feel worthy

Boo-jour!

(We make French Ghosts for breakfast on Sundays, and my kiddos groaned hard at this, thought it was dad joke worthy!)

Dear Lord as week seek to produce puns worthy of your praise, lettuce relish this opportunity. We ask that you would cause humor to sprout in the hearts of those who think us nuts. Continue to cultivate in us passion, fruit which beets back sadness and joy which leeks into others. Though some may say we are corny we know you will give us sage wisdom. Give us the confidence to know we are kale’in it as we bring choy to the world and live apply ever after.

It was D-grading.

I had a friend once named Tobias. I told him, I don’t have a foot fetish but I do have a Toe Bias.

A stick.

WORKING ON A JOB

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned I just couldn’t concentrate. . Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe. . After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it. The job was only so-so anyhow. . Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting. . I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn’t cut it. . I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard. . My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t note worthy. . I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn’t have any patience. . Next was a job in a shoe factory; but it just wasn’t the right fit. . I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income. . I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell. . I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. . After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it. . My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.

Why did the police arrest the turkey? > They suspected fowl play.

What would you get if you crossed a turkey with a ghost? > A poultrygeist!

Why did the turkey cross the road twice? > To prove he wasn’t a chicken!

What key won’t open any door? > A turkey!

If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? > Goblet.

Fruit comes from a fruit tree, so where does turkey come from? > A poul-tree.

What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad? >They turn into blueberries.

What kind of cars would pilgrims drive today? > Plymouth.

Edit: I genuinely didn’t know this was a repost my dad told it to me and I thought it was worthy.

A termite walks into a pub and asks, "Is the bartender here?"

The blank stares before you get it make it all the more amusing. To us.

In my computer science course, my very old professor busts this out during a discussion of logic:

"I went to a logic conference once, and the lecturer said, 'it's interesting that a double negative gives you a positive, isn't it? I mean, a double positive doesn't give you a negative.'

Someone from the back of the room scoffed and went, 'yeah, yeah.'"

Half the class chuckled, half the class groaned.

He loves Tibet.

My 11 month old son picks up a small rock from outside and puts it in his mouth. GF: what did he just shove in his mouth? Me : (as im pulling it out) don't worry, it's just the capital of Arkansas but I got it. GF: face palm

Have you heard about these terrible hotel conditions in Sochi? I even heard that they have had to shit into a can. Ya, the news keeps mentioning this poo-tin!

For our three year anniversary, the girlfriend decided we should go to this craftstore and paint/glaze some art in a kiln to remember this anniversary. I reluctantly agreed.

We start browsing the examples of what other people had done and we see a mugs painted like flowers, minions, and one painted as Harry Potter.

At which I said, "Oh look. Harry Pottery."

The laugh I got out of the worker made the trip worth it. The girlfriend was just embarrassed. I was proud.

Context: I just painted my nails, and I wasn't pleased with the outcome.

Me: Well, I had already written off this mani anyway... Sigh, yes, I just said mani.

His response: Well, it would be pretty pedi of me to mock you for it.

Just got this email:

>Q: Who are the trendiest people in a hospital?

>A: The hip replacement guys.

>best.

Let me preface this with some info. Firstly, me and my father are idiots; our jokes can become insensitive if we aren't careful, as we have few filters. My parents live in a tiny town amidst a thousand other tiny towns. One of the tiny towns right beside us (let's call it Townsburg) has a lot of forest and extra land, so towards the end of the summer when it's still hot but the land is starting to dry out, it's rather susceptible to fires. The other day, Townsburg caught fire in a few different places. The town my parents live in (we'll call it Cityville) is the sausage capital of our state. Yep. Sausage capital. Like brisket and such. Our proudest export is meat. Meat is what we are most proud of. I don't live there anymore, thank the universe.

So I went by my parents house on the way home from work one day to check on my retired, sick father, and watch the news with him (something I try to do whenever I can). And what happened next, well, it all just happened so fast...

Me: "Whoa, Townsburg is on fire again. I guess Cityville isn't the barbecue capital anymore, AYO." Dad: "Nope. Looks like they're about to be the barbecued capital." Me: "...we may need to stop hanging out so much."

Idk how many of you have seen the post that the redditor said they pulled out a dollar (or card) that said otherwise. I enjoyed it so much that I decided to honor that redditor and spread his legacy with the ones in my life. They may very well not see this post, many may have forgotten about their amazing wit already, but I will make sure that "I have a card that says otherwise" lives on http://imgur.com/DQdAVqa

Because they don't want to be spotted.

He saw too much.

-Knock knock! -Who's there? -To! -To who? EHEM...To whom!

sELFish desires.

Fishizzle!

Here is what i need help with. I seen a some fishing gear with the name "fishizzle" and lighting struck! Has anyone heard this one before? Did I just make a OC dad joke? If so Is it "dad joke" worthy? I really hope so becuase I just sent this to my daughter.

Thanks in advance.

Talking to my dad about a physics lecture given by a German professor before dinner. Me: "So, how did he explain Gauss' Law?" Dad: "In German, of course!"

Later, while eating dessert, I saw him eating chocolates Me: "Dad, did you just eat 4 of those chocolates by yourself?" Dad: "No, not by myself. You were with me"

Me:

hey what are you up to

Dad:

5' 11". How bout u?

My friend made poached eggs for breakfast.

Me: you know how to poach eggs?

Him: Yes, I illegally hunt them in the African plains.