I had a few doubts about buying a big metal cabinet to store all my valuables.

Turns out...it was a safe purchase.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
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There was a locked metal box at an auction. The auctioneer said it was from the 1920’s and owned by really wealthy man. There could’ve been some really valuable stuff in it or it could just be empty. I didn’t want to bid anymore than $100 on it.

I thought it was a safe bet.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/schutwo
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
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Where do they keep the most valuable salmon?

Under lox and key.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2020
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What is more valuable that gold?

Air.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/abhijitborah
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2020
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What do you call a valuable donkey?

An asset.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2019
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I was in two minds whether to buy a metal cabinet to store my valuables.

In the end, it was a safe investment.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2019
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My daughter told me she learned a valuable life lesson in Spanish class today.

No means no.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jujutsujoe
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2019
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The Queen of England dropped some valuable cards in the toilet.

They call it the royal flush.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pun-isher42
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2019
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I store my valuables in an old Monopoly box

Better safe that Sorry.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheJoePilato
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2017
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I gave valuable customer feedback to an Olive Garden in exchange for a gift card

In return I received a pasta dish.

For the first time in my life, I actually received a Penne for my thoughts

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πŸ‘€︎ u/muncie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2019
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Four hundred years ago, the pagan minority in Salem learned a valuable lesson about dealing with religious fanaticism

Be careful what you witch for

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Possum
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2018
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As we sat down at the table for dinner, I looked sheepishly at my family and admitted, "I learned a valuable lesson about speeding today and I'll definitely make sure it never happens again."

"I didn’t get pulled over or anything, it's just that I got to work 20 minutes early."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2018
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I bought some valuable Barbie dolls that are made of metal, but I don't know how I should style their hair.

I think I might put a platinum.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2018
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Valuable Rolex gets snatched in Vegas. reviewjournal.com/news/pr…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/borch_is_god
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2014
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Mama is this safe to eat?

No honey... it’s for storing our valuables.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tacet_Viatorem
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
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Is this safe to eat?

No, the safe stores valuable objects.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Parkwad
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
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Don't let the Wizard negotiate!

Fireball is bad diplomacy, it just inflames the situation.

Just one example from my second ever video, 50 D&D puns! I am super new and super small, so every view is valuable to me!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dastardly_DM_Dude
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
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Mama, is this safe to eat?

No honey, it's for holding valuables.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vexidemalprince
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
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I work with a small town search and rescue. We recently had a guy visiting from the big city to do some kayaking on the river.

He doesn't know the area and gets himself lost. All he does know is that there are a lot of grizzly bears roaming around during the salmon spawn this time of year, so he's quite afraid to get out of his kayak.

The temperature starts to drop. He needs to stay warm, and decides to build a fire inside his little boat on the river.

He learnt a valuable lesson that night: you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Islander399
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2020
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Kids ate the homework

Because the teacher told them it was a piece of cake

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jarvedttudd
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
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I’m seeing a therapist for my kleptomania.

I’m taking away something valuable from each session.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CheeseheadDave
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2020
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I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency...

I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Light_bulbnz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2020
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One day, Kermit the Frog was a little short on cash, so he went to the bank to speak to a loan officer...

When he got there, a woman extended her hand.

"Good afternoon, sir," she said. "My name is Patricia Wack. How may I help you today?"

Kermit replied, "Hi-ho, Patricia! I'm Kermit the Frog, and I would like to borrow some money."

They walked over to her desk and sat down.

"Certainly, Mr. Frog--"

"Oh, just call me Kermit."

"Okay... Kermit. How much money would you like to borrow?"

"Ten thousand dollars."

Mildly surprised, Ms. Wack looked intently at Kermit.

"Do you have any references?"

"Well, I suppose I could use my father, Keith Richards."

Ms. Wack froze for a second, then...

"THE Keith Richards?"

"Oh, yes. In fact, he told me he's friends with your manager, which is why I came in here."

"Okay... Do you have any collateral?"

"Excuse me?"

"Collateral. Something of value, like a car, or a boat..."

"Oh, yes! I do have something. I have this."

Kermit reached into his briefcase and placed a small figurine on the desk. Patricia looked curiously at the object, then at our am

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/norrisrw
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2019
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Hello...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TakaComics
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2016
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Why would Paul Muad'Dib make a great dessert chef?

He's got flans within flans.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Torley_
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2018
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Dadjoked the executive board room today

Got quite a few groans I was pretty proud of today!

We were talking about hiring a new manager for a field team, and it turned out the guy we liked the most had several felony convictions for gun possession.

COO: I'm not sure we can take the risk, despite his valuable experience.
Me: Well guys, at least we know he'll stick to his guns.

I'll make a very good dad one day.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tombodadin
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2014
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My wife's a keeper...

She really enjoys playing soccer on the weekends.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2017
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There's a little known country in central Europe that is ruled by a monarchy...

Not many people are aware of its existence but I assure that it is there all the same. The king of this little land faces a lot of difficulty. He wants to make his kingdom into a sovereign nation but unfortunately they do not have the infrastructure, population, or economy to do so. In fact, this small state is only known for a single export. Thanks to their proximity to some of the finest gold and other metals in the world but total lack of an ability to process those metals on a mass scale, they have been left with only one option. You know the saying; when life hands you lemons, make lemonade. Make lemonade they did. This tiny territory is renowned for creating the highest quality watches in the world. No expense is spared and their elite group of craftsmen train for their entire lives from childhood to produce these terrific timepieces. Men of great wealth and taste have been known to trade entire fortunes for just a single one of these watches; that is how valuable they are.

The

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2016
🚨︎ report
A tennis player was reported to be stalking his coach.

The tennis player admitted, and they seem to be on track for a smooth resolution. Upon being interviewed, the coach said: β€œI would have escalated this further, but he's a valuable student with a great arm, and I trust that there is no need for a wrist training order.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thefizzynator
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2018
🚨︎ report
The story of Mike and the dad joke hall of fame

Hello everyone. Today, a 72-year-old man named Mike came into my office. Mike blessed me with many gifts, a sampling of which I would like to share with you all here.

First, Mike asked how I was. I said "good, how are you?" Mike: I had a dream last night I was a muffler. And when I woke up it scared me because I was exhausted.

Mike also has an ex wife. "My Ex wife was so ugly her mom made her go trick or treating by telephone so she didn’t scare the other children."

Not just one ex wife, Mike has two ex wives. "My ex wife was so ugly I used to take her to work with me so I didn’t have to kiss her goodbye"

Mike does a lot of work for various charities. "I asked the lady at a restaurant if I could post my flyer for an event in the window. She said 'that depends, are you a non-profit?' I said 'lady I've got two ex wives, I haven't had profit in 30 years!'"

Those darn ex wives. "I’m so poor a pick pocket tried to rob me the other day and all he got was practice."

Mike actually came t

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CCisme5
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2018
🚨︎ report
The Three Kingdoms

so there’s a far-off place that consists of a perfectly triangular lake surrounded by land, with three kingdoms on the three sides of the lake. the first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people. the second kingdom is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power, too. the third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.

the kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it’s a valuable resource to have. the first kingdom sends 100 of their finest knights, clad in the best armor and each with their own personal squire. the second kingdom sends 50 of their knights, with fine leather armor and a few dozen squires of their own. the third kingdom sends their one and only knight, an elderly warrior who has long since passed his prime, with his own personal squire.

the night before the big battle, the knights in the first kingdom drink and make merry, partying into the late hours of the night. the knights in the second kingdom

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sirmonkey95
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2015
🚨︎ report
Dad joked his own mom at a family gathering

My family was sitting around the table eating lunch and talking about how it's almost impossible to have true vacation time anymore. My grandma chucks in, "Your time is valuable." My dad immediately replies:

"Thyme is actually pretty inexpensive. Saffron, on the other hand, is quite valuable."

I love my dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/remake20
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2015
🚨︎ report
The Mystery of the missing bathroom fittings
  • sitting round at dinner table, talking about our bathroom which we are having redone*
  • Dad: I've got a good joke about bathroom fittings
  • Me: sigh okay then...
  • Dad: Did you hear about that mansion that was robbed last week? The burglars took all the jewlery, all the valuables.......and they also took all the bathroom fittings, so the police had nothing to go on!
  • Sister: Really? sigh
  • Dad: *bursts out laughing for a good 20 seconds
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RobTheN00b
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2014
🚨︎ report

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