Me: one day you will inherit all these priceless family heirlooms

My dumbass kid: dad these are vape pens

Me: no they are the family juuls

πŸ‘︎ 66
πŸ‘€︎ u/TongueBandit69
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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My life has been full of priceless moments.

I'm a shoplifter.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
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Priceless reddit moments
πŸ‘︎ 53
πŸ‘€︎ u/rainingpumpkins
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2019
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Van used to steal priceless painting is missing

Everyone wants to know just where did the van go.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ‘€︎ u/breakone9r
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2019
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The look on my wife's face was priceless.

My 5 year old stepson was sitting next to my wife on the couch, and a devious idea crossed mind. I called the boy over after a quick Googling and showed him the product of my search. He asked what it was, and I promptly told him they were boobies. I looked at the wife in time to see this amazing look of terror wash over her face. Still shocked, he says, "Hey Momma, want to see some boobies?" He grabs my tablet and shows her a picture of the most beautiful, soft looking blue footed boobies I could find. Her initial shock quickly turned to laughter and I was satisfied.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ‘€︎ u/MaximusRXI09
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2014
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At the art museums today, looking at a Monet exhibit, my dad said "these paintings are priceless..."

"They must cost a lot of Monet!"

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ‘€︎ u/hornwalker
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2017
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The look on her face was priceless

I was in a supermarket (not u.s.a) and was approached by a young girl.

Her: Excuse me, could you please buy me cigarettes?

Me: What? You can't buy them yourself? How old do you have to be to buy cigarettes?

Her: 18

Me: Sorry then, I can't.

Her: Why?

Me: I am 29

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ohuma
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2016
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The look on my mom's face was priceless.

Last saturday, I was at my parents' house to watch the game. While my dad and I are watching, my mom is on her laptop looking at trees to plant in the back yard, and constantly asking my dad what he thinks about every species of tree she comes across. Suddenly, my mom's phone receives several text messages, emails, and app notifications simultaneously. My dad looks at her and says, "Well, aren't you Poplar today? Leaf me alone and go check your phone." I laughed my ass off, as did he. She was not amused.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ‘€︎ u/Zaaryk
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2016
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My wife's reaction was priceless...

This isn't a typical "dadjoke" post so bear with me... I think you'll appreciate the story.

So my wife and I were breaking down some cardboard boxes in front of our almost-3-year-old son. I put my face into one of the boxes as it was being flattened and said to my son "Oh no! My face is being squished!"

My wife was standing behind me so I couldn't see her reaction to my dadjoke. My son chuckled but my wife said, "Oh no!"

I asked her what was wrong and she said, "I rolled my eyes so hard that my contact [lens] went up in my eye!"

I told her she got what she deserved.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ‘€︎ u/QuestionMarkyMark
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2015
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Went to the store today and what I saw was priceless.

I had to ask the cashier how much it was.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/Zacanteag
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2015
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Today someone bought our department a box of donuts and some lotto tickets. The potential grand prize was $3,000, in which my boss exclaimed "Well that isn't enough to retire".

I corrected him by saying that is plenty of money to buy some new tires for your car.

The physical pain on his face was priceless.

πŸ‘︎ 164
πŸ‘€︎ u/Megaman_90
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
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why do nurses like red crayons?

Sometimes they have to draw blood.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
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A recipe for a good relationship

My wife and daughter are working on improving the meringue cookie recipe they are using.

I asked if the batter was better and my wife said yes.

So I asked if it had enough sugar or if it was a bitter better batter.

The look on her face was priceless!

I reminded her that she knew my sense of humor before she married me and went through with it anyway.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ‘€︎ u/MikeyRidesABikey
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
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Dad Tells Time With His Hat

My dad worked in construction for most of his life, and because he worked with his hands, he sacrificed many watches. But if you don't have a watch, how are you to tell time? My dad has a great sense of humor and is always thinking of new ways to do things to make them more practical or thinking of ways to change things to make them work better for him. So after spending way too much money on a heavy duty watch that inevitably broke on him, he came up with a better solution.

He used the working part of a clock and stuck it on the inside rim of his hat, so if he wanted to know what the time was, he just had to look up. Simple. And the way his hat was, you couldn't see the clock when looking at him unless you were underneath him and looking up.

And then came the funny part. Every time he was asked what time it was, he would look up at the sun, scan the horizon, pretend to do a math equation in his head, and tell them the exact time down to the minute. I've witnessed him doing this a few times but never gave it away. The look of surprise and confusion this gave people was priceless.

My dad had done other funny things like this, but this was by far the funniest.

πŸ‘︎ 85
πŸ‘€︎ u/fredzred
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
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I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.

The look on his face was priceless.

πŸ‘︎ 228
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
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My 15 year old sent a text asking me to pick him up from school and added "not in your pyjamas".

So I'm wearing his, because good dads listen.

πŸ‘︎ 421
πŸ‘€︎ u/DannyGere
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2019
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Was at the grocery store with my son.

Saw a can of dog food with puppies on it. Asked my son if he wanted to see what dog from a can tastes like. The look on his face was priceless

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/bridgeheadprod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the man have a moment of clarity after he bought a coin maker?

Because it all made cents now.

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ‘€︎ u/JiveTheTurkey
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2019
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A great thing about communism is that your value is pre determined...

❀❀❀ And you're priceless ❀❀❀

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/DiabolicPotato
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2019
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Stud finder

Was headed home from work to wall mount my TV, wanted to swing by my parents to get my dads stud finder. His reply is priceless.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dougisfast
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2019
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Dadjoked my gf in the car

So we were driving to the Ikea and I saw a bunch of young cows getting released into a field next to the highway. I pointed it out on the way back but she couldn't see them right until the last moment. She said they were hiding. So I said they were camouflaged... cow-moo-flaged

The look on her face was priceless.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ‘€︎ u/sleepy_red
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2014
🚨︎ report
Dad asked who was directing the new Tolkien movie...

I pulled out my phone and went to IMDB.

Me: He’s a... I think Finnish director, Dome Karukoski.

Dad: Well then who’s the start director?

Me:... the what?

Dad: If he’s the Finnish director, who’s the start director?

The turn of my head and hate in my eyes made him chuckle for five minutes.

Dad: That was priceless. πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lizardio11228
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2019
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What do convicts and a hip hop artist's bed have in common?

They both have rap sheets.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ‘€︎ u/cbritt11
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2017
🚨︎ report
While at Weinerschnitzel a young man who was clearly stoned stepped behind me in line. She wore a shirt that read "I'm just saying you've never seen me and Batman in the same room before."

Before he ordered I turned to him and said "I'm just saying you've never seen a dinosaur and a hotdog in the same room before." The look on his face was priceless

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/PaxPaw
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2018
🚨︎ report
A truly epic win

This story happened, just shortly after my daughter was born, at work.

I had a coworker who hated puns. I had made a particular bad one, I completely forget what it was. Just an on the fly thing.

Suddenly my coworker stands up and the following exchange happens:

Him (loudly proclaiming): Puns are awful. They're terrible. Puns are the lowest form of comedy. Only the most infantile people laugh at puns. We need to have a pun jar... like a swear jar, but instead of swearing we put a quarter in it every time someone makes a pun.

Me: (after a short silence) That sounds like a GREAT idea.

Him (confused): No, it's like a swear jar but you put money into it when you swear.

Me: Yeah I understand that

Him: You'd be the hardest hit with that.

Me: Yeah, I understand that. Nevertheless it has my wholehearted support.

Him: (Now very VERY confused) Why would you support something that would hurt you more than anyone else?

Me: Because... we could totally call it the PUNishment jar.

There were three people who clearly heard this exchange. Each one busted out laughing so hard... one of them was pounding his fist into his desk. The look on this poor guy's face: priceless.

πŸ‘︎ 60
πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2016
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Every time we see a cute girl on a bicycle...

Dad: "you know she should get arrested, right?" Me: "what for?" Dad: "for peddlin' ass!"

πŸ‘︎ 39
πŸ‘€︎ u/ae5ir
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2013
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Got my sleepy girlfriend.

We are both laying on her bed when she tells me "you took all my sheets"

I responded "I don't give a sheet" The disappointment on her face was priceless

πŸ‘︎ 156
πŸ‘€︎ u/unleashedmario
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2015
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Walking through the garden section in Lowes

Step daughter " These rocks smell the candy."

Me "Would you say they smell like rock candy?"

Her facial expression was priceless

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/JelloVV
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2018
🚨︎ report
Every single time my dad makes a purchase...

and it's between $15.00 - $19.99, he says, "That was a good year." Then proceeds to completely make up a fact about it.

"That'll be $18.84." "That was a good year. They invented steel wool that year."

The look on the workers face is priceless, and is always followed by, "Really?!" Then my dad laughs and says no.

πŸ‘︎ 348
πŸ‘€︎ u/Cardsfan1539
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2013
🚨︎ report
Dadjoked my father-in-law

Father-in-law gets out of the shower, says to my husband,"You're up!" I reply, "Asia!" :::crickets::: I add, "Oh, I thought we were just saying names of continents." The look of jealous contempt from my FIL was priceless.

πŸ‘︎ 102
πŸ‘€︎ u/Asparagusbelle
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2015
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I hit my wife in the foot with a remote car...

Wife: Stop that hurts, I have bare feet Me: That's weird, I thought you had human feet

Her reaction to me laughing hysterically was priceless.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ‘€︎ u/n64bking15
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2018
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I work for my dad...

He says "It's hard to kiss your mom at night, when I've been chewing your ass out all day."

πŸ‘︎ 50
πŸ‘€︎ u/ecudorian
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2013
🚨︎ report
Told my lil brother, that my dad could beat up his dad

It took him a moment to process what I had said, and then he looked at me shocked and asked. "Are you saying that I'm adopted?" It was priceless.

(No, he isn't adopted)

πŸ‘︎ 92
πŸ‘€︎ u/Hitno
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2017
🚨︎ report
100 Paw-sitively Meow-nificent Cat Purr-ns Fur Mew to Use Whenev-fur Mew Need
  • Allow => A-meow
  • Apology => A-paw-logy
  • Appalling => A-paw-ling
  • Attitude => Cat-titude
  • Awesome => Paw-some / Claw-some
  • Awful => Claw-ful / Paw-ful
  • Because => Be-claws
  • Before => Be-fur
  • Bother => Bo-fur
  • Catastrophe => Cat-astrophe
  • Catastrophic => Cat-astrophic
  • Catch => Cat-ch
  • Clever => Claw-ver
  • Confusing => Con-fur-sing
  • Congratulations => Con-cat-ulations
  • Different => Dif-fur-rent
  • Disappearance => Disa-purr-ance
  • Familiar => Fur-miliar
  • Feeling => Feline
  • For => Fur
  • For real => Fur real
  • Forever => Fur-ever
  • Forget => Fur-get
  • Fortunate => Fur-tunate
  • Forward => Fur-ward
  • Friend => Fur-end
  • Furious => Fur-ious
  • Further => Fur-ther
  • Get or Got => Cat
  • Help me out => Help meow-t
  • History => Hiss-tory
  • Hysterical => Hiss-terical
  • Inferior => In-fur-ior
  • Kidding me => Kitten me
  • Konnichiwa => Konnichi-paw
  • Literally => Litter-ally
  • Literature => Litter-a-ture
  • Lost => Claw-st
  • Lying => Lion
  • Magnificent => Meow-nificent
  • Marvellous => Meow-velous
  • Minimum => Mew-nimum
  • Misery => Mew-sery
  • Moment => Mew-ment
  • Mountain => Meow-ntain
  • Move => Mew-v
  • Music => Mew-sic
  • Musician => Meow-sician
  • Never => Nev-fur
  • New => Mew
  • Now => Meow
  • Over => Ov-fur
  • Paper => Pay-purr
  • Pardon me => Paw-don me
  • Pause => Paws
  • Perfect => Purr-fect
  • Perhaps => Purr-haps
  • Permission => Purr-mission
  • Person => Purr-son
  • Personal => Purr-sonal
  • Persuasion => Purr-suasion
  • Places => Purr-laces
  • Please => Paw-lease
  • Portable => Paw-table
  • Positive => Paw-sitive
  • Possibility => Paw-sibility
  • Possibly => Paw-sibly
  • Precious => Purr-ecious
  • Prefer => Paw-fer
  • Preposterous => Pre-paw-sterous
  • Pretty => Purr-ty
  • Priceless => Purr-iceless
  • Prince => Purr-ince
  • Princess => Purr-incess
  • Puns => Purr-ns
  • Purpose => Purr-pose
  • Referring => Re-fur-ing
  • Respond => Res-paw-nd
  • Simple => Sim-paw-le
  • Suffer => Suf-fur
  • Superior => Su-purr-ior
  • Tale => Tail
  • Talent => Tail-ent
  • Tell => Tail
  • That’s all => Cat’s all
  • Unfortunate => Un-fur-tunate
  • Very => Furry
  • Whenever => Whene-fur
  • Wonderful => Won-fur-ful
  • You => Mew
  • Apologize => A-paw-logize
  • First => Furr-st
  • How are you? => Meow are mew?
  • Morning => Meowrning
  • Phon
... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ‘€︎ u/eyl327
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2017
🚨︎ report
Mom joke

In clinic today a female patient was admiring our MA's tattoos and said she had a large tattoo of a snake from her belly button, across her hip, and down to her tailbone. MA apprehensively said yes when asked if she wanted to see it.

Lady lifts up her shirt and... No tattoo.

Patient: "do you see it"?

MA: "no"

Patient: "well then it must have went back in it's hole"!

She was like 60+ years old. Priceless.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/DTFoldlaundry
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife was wondering what the world would be like if we just all stopped fighting.

I said, "Well, I guess then we'd all be bakers."


"Because we'd be making loaves, not war."

The look on her face was priceless, and she must have groaned for five full minutes.

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ‘€︎ u/Gunnrhildr
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2016
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Was watching my dad fix a clock today.

Sitting around having a few beers for father's day. The hour hand had come loose from the clock on the back porch and he went about fixing it, like he does most things. Finished up surprisingly quickly so I asked if he was done.

Dad: "Only time will tell"

I laughed so good. His grin was priceless. He was so proud of himself.

Good day.

πŸ‘︎ 123
πŸ‘€︎ u/erktheerk
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2016
🚨︎ report
Intense in the Bedroom

My fiance and I were getting ready for bed. I was the first one to climb under the covers. For some reason it seems to be really cold when I first climb in, so I start rolling around frantically to generate some heat.

My fiance walks into the room and gives me a puzzled look.

> Her: Wow. You're looking intense, honey.

> Me: I'm not intense! I'm in a blanket!

The look on her face and the long groan was priceless.

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ‘€︎ u/themadnad
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2017
🚨︎ report
A Blonde Joke

My boyfriend and I had just pulled a pizza out of the oven, and he asked me how many pieces he should cut it into. Grinning and smooth as can be, I laid this blonde joke on him (I am naturally medium blond) "Oh, cut it into 6, I could never eat 8!" The look of WTF was priceless!

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ‘€︎ u/topgirlaurora
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2014
🚨︎ report
My dad would have been proud

I took my two kids (4 and 6) to the new aquarium in our city. They have a petting tank with harmless bamboo sharks. I reach in to the tank. 4 year old: "Is it dangerous?" Me: "Yep" and get a good look of slight fear from him. I then pull my hand out with my ring finger bent over and show it to him. He responds with a look of abject horror. 6 year old: "Stop messing with us!" Unfold my finger and show them. My 4 year old was not amused.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kitty2228
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2014
🚨︎ report
Dad joked my friend today

Friend: Hey, you know how when you open a container or yogurt there's liquid on top some of the time? Me: Sure do, I believe that's whey though I could be wrong. Friend: IT IS WHEY! How cool is that? (With out missing a beat) Me: I'd say that's... whey... cool.

The look on his face was priceless and I'm still cracking up about it hours later.

πŸ‘︎ 70
πŸ‘€︎ u/bilbaux34
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2014
🚨︎ report
My friend was talking about Indian food

And she goes: "Rice is an integral ingredient in Indian cuisine"

So I answered "You really wouldn't wanna derive from it then, eh?"

The glare she gave me afterwards was priceless :)

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/Saphira294
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2015
🚨︎ report
Dad raised me right

Mom's friend rings the doorbell. Mom answers the door, "Hi Deb, good to see you. We missed you!"

Dad and I, on opposite sides of the room, look up in unison: "With every shot so far!"

The pride on his face was priceless.

πŸ‘︎ 61
πŸ‘€︎ u/party6robot
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2014
🚨︎ report
The day I (first) one-upped my dad's joke:

One day my dad & I were driving home from fishing and a Neil Diamond song was on the radio. My dad said, "This is actually an impersonator called Neil Sapphire." I immediately responded, "Don't you mean Neil Cubic Zirconia?" His groan was priceless to me back then, and I'm waiting for the day my son will do that to me.

(true story from ~30 years ago)

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ‘€︎ u/wj333
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2016
🚨︎ report
Dad joked the wife over cooking...FTW

I've got oven preheated to 420f for baking sweet potatoes, wife course corrects and tells me she wants the oven set to 450f... "What, 420 isn't HIGH enough for you?"

Teenage kids reaction in the kitchen, priceless! Got a high-five from stepdaughter too!

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ‘€︎ u/PaulyMcBee
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2014
🚨︎ report
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.

The look on his face was priceless.

πŸ‘︎ 15k
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2019
🚨︎ report
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.

The look on his face was priceless.

πŸ‘︎ 458
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2019
🚨︎ report
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.

The look on his face was priceless.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2019
🚨︎ report
I saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.

The look on his face was priceless.

πŸ‘︎ 67
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2018
🚨︎ report

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