My dumbass kid: dad these are vape pens
Me: no they are the family juuls
I'm a shoplifter.
Everyone wants to know just where did the van go.
My 5 year old stepson was sitting next to my wife on the couch, and a devious idea crossed mind. I called the boy over after a quick Googling and showed him the product of my search. He asked what it was, and I promptly told him they were boobies. I looked at the wife in time to see this amazing look of terror wash over her face. Still shocked, he says, "Hey Momma, want to see some boobies?" He grabs my tablet and shows her a picture of the most beautiful, soft looking blue footed boobies I could find. Her initial shock quickly turned to laughter and I was satisfied.
"They must cost a lot of Monet!"
I was in a supermarket (not u.s.a) and was approached by a young girl.
Her: Excuse me, could you please buy me cigarettes?
Me: What? You can't buy them yourself? How old do you have to be to buy cigarettes?
Her: 18
Me: Sorry then, I can't.
Her: Why?
Me: I am 29
Last saturday, I was at my parents' house to watch the game. While my dad and I are watching, my mom is on her laptop looking at trees to plant in the back yard, and constantly asking my dad what he thinks about every species of tree she comes across. Suddenly, my mom's phone receives several text messages, emails, and app notifications simultaneously. My dad looks at her and says, "Well, aren't you Poplar today? Leaf me alone and go check your phone." I laughed my ass off, as did he. She was not amused.
This isn't a typical "dadjoke" post so bear with me... I think you'll appreciate the story.
So my wife and I were breaking down some cardboard boxes in front of our almost-3-year-old son. I put my face into one of the boxes as it was being flattened and said to my son "Oh no! My face is being squished!"
My wife was standing behind me so I couldn't see her reaction to my dadjoke. My son chuckled but my wife said, "Oh no!"
I asked her what was wrong and she said, "I rolled my eyes so hard that my contact [lens] went up in my eye!"
I told her she got what she deserved.
I had to ask the cashier how much it was.
And that I'd be meeting my new parents that afternoon.
It’s because they charge a lot.
I corrected him by saying that is plenty of money to buy some new tires for your car.
The physical pain on his face was priceless.
Sometimes they have to draw blood.
My wife and daughter are working on improving the meringue cookie recipe they are using.
I asked if the batter was better and my wife said yes.
So I asked if it had enough sugar or if it was a bitter better batter.
The look on her face was priceless!
I reminded her that she knew my sense of humor before she married me and went through with it anyway.
My dad worked in construction for most of his life, and because he worked with his hands, he sacrificed many watches. But if you don't have a watch, how are you to tell time? My dad has a great sense of humor and is always thinking of new ways to do things to make them more practical or thinking of ways to change things to make them work better for him. So after spending way too much money on a heavy duty watch that inevitably broke on him, he came up with a better solution.
He used the working part of a clock and stuck it on the inside rim of his hat, so if he wanted to know what the time was, he just had to look up. Simple. And the way his hat was, you couldn't see the clock when looking at him unless you were underneath him and looking up.
And then came the funny part. Every time he was asked what time it was, he would look up at the sun, scan the horizon, pretend to do a math equation in his head, and tell them the exact time down to the minute. I've witnessed him doing this a few times but never gave it away. The look of surprise and confusion this gave people was priceless.
My dad had done other funny things like this, but this was by far the funniest.
The look on his face was priceless.
So I'm wearing his, because good dads listen.
Saw a can of dog food with puppies on it. Asked my son if he wanted to see what dog from a can tastes like. The look on his face was priceless
Because it all made cents now.
❤❤❤ And you're priceless ❤❤❤
So we were driving to the Ikea and I saw a bunch of young cows getting released into a field next to the highway. I pointed it out on the way back but she couldn't see them right until the last moment. She said they were hiding. So I said they were camouflaged... cow-moo-flaged
The look on her face was priceless.
Was headed home from work to wall mount my TV, wanted to swing by my parents to get my dads stud finder. His reply is priceless.
I pulled out my phone and went to IMDB.
Me: He’s a... I think Finnish director, Dome Karukoski.
Dad: Well then who’s the start director?
Me:... the what?
Dad: If he’s the Finnish director, who’s the start director?
The turn of my head and hate in my eyes made him chuckle for five minutes.
Dad: That was priceless. 👏👏👏
They both have rap sheets.
Before he ordered I turned to him and said "I'm just saying you've never seen a dinosaur and a hotdog in the same room before." The look on his face was priceless
This story happened, just shortly after my daughter was born, at work.
I had a coworker who hated puns. I had made a particular bad one, I completely forget what it was. Just an on the fly thing.
Suddenly my coworker stands up and the following exchange happens:
Him (loudly proclaiming): Puns are awful. They're terrible. Puns are the lowest form of comedy. Only the most infantile people laugh at puns. We need to have a pun jar... like a swear jar, but instead of swearing we put a quarter in it every time someone makes a pun.
Me: (after a short silence) That sounds like a GREAT idea.
Him (confused): No, it's like a swear jar but you put money into it when you swear.
Me: Yeah I understand that
Him: You'd be the hardest hit with that.
Me: Yeah, I understand that. Nevertheless it has my wholehearted support.
Him: (Now very VERY confused) Why would you support something that would hurt you more than anyone else?
Me: Because... we could totally call it the PUNishment jar.
There were three people who clearly heard this exchange. Each one busted out laughing so hard... one of them was pounding his fist into his desk. The look on this poor guy's face: priceless.
Dad: "you know she should get arrested, right?" Me: "what for?" Dad: "for peddlin' ass!"
We are both laying on her bed when she tells me "you took all my sheets"
I responded "I don't give a sheet" The disappointment on her face was priceless
and it's between $15.00 - $19.99, he says, "That was a good year." Then proceeds to completely make up a fact about it.
"That'll be $18.84." "That was a good year. They invented steel wool that year."
The look on the workers face is priceless, and is always followed by, "Really?!" Then my dad laughs and says no.
Step daughter " These rocks smell the candy."
Me "Would you say they smell like rock candy?"
Her facial expression was priceless
He says "It's hard to kiss your mom at night, when I've been chewing your ass out all day."
Father-in-law gets out of the shower, says to my husband,"You're up!" I reply, "Asia!" :::crickets::: I add, "Oh, I thought we were just saying names of continents." The look of jealous contempt from my FIL was priceless.
Wife: Stop that hurts, I have bare feet Me: That's weird, I thought you had human feet
Her reaction to me laughing hysterically was priceless.
It took him a moment to process what I had said, and then he looked at me shocked and asked. "Are you saying that I'm adopted?" It was priceless.
(No, he isn't adopted)
- Allow => A-meow
- Apology => A-paw-logy
- Appalling => A-paw-ling
- Attitude => Cat-titude
- Awesome => Paw-some / Claw-some
- Awful => Claw-ful / Paw-ful
- Because => Be-claws
- Before => Be-fur
- Bother => Bo-fur
- Catastrophe => Cat-astrophe
- Catastrophic => Cat-astrophic
- Catch => Cat-ch
- Clever => Claw-ver
- Confusing => Con-fur-sing
- Congratulations => Con-cat-ulations
- Different => Dif-fur-rent
- Disappearance => Disa-purr-ance
- Familiar => Fur-miliar
- Feeling => Feline
- For => Fur
- For real => Fur real
- Forever => Fur-ever
- Forget => Fur-get
- Fortunate => Fur-tunate
- Forward => Fur-ward
- Friend => Fur-end
- Furious => Fur-ious
- Further => Fur-ther
- Get or Got => Cat
- Help me out => Help meow-t
- History => Hiss-tory
- Hysterical => Hiss-terical
- Inferior => In-fur-ior
- Kidding me => Kitten me
- Konnichiwa => Konnichi-paw
- Literally => Litter-ally
- Literature => Litter-a-ture
- Lost => Claw-st
- Lying => Lion
- Magnificent => Meow-nificent
- Marvellous => Meow-velous
- Minimum => Mew-nimum
- Misery => Mew-sery
- Moment => Mew-ment
- Mountain => Meow-ntain
- Move => Mew-v
- Music => Mew-sic
- Musician => Meow-sician
- Never => Nev-fur
- New => Mew
- Now => Meow
- Over => Ov-fur
- Paper => Pay-purr
- Pardon me => Paw-don me
- Pause => Paws
- Perfect => Purr-fect
- Perhaps => Purr-haps
- Permission => Purr-mission
- Person => Purr-son
- Personal => Purr-sonal
- Persuasion => Purr-suasion
- Places => Purr-laces
- Please => Paw-lease
- Portable => Paw-table
- Positive => Paw-sitive
- Possibility => Paw-sibility
- Possibly => Paw-sibly
- Precious => Purr-ecious
- Prefer => Paw-fer
- Preposterous => Pre-paw-sterous
- Pretty => Purr-ty
- Priceless => Purr-iceless
- Prince => Purr-ince
- Princess => Purr-incess
- Puns => Purr-ns
- Purpose => Purr-pose
- Referring => Re-fur-ing
- Respond => Res-paw-nd
- Simple => Sim-paw-le
- Suffer => Suf-fur
- Superior => Su-purr-ior
- Tale => Tail
- Talent => Tail-ent
- Tell => Tail
- That’s all => Cat’s all
- Unfortunate => Un-fur-tunate
- Very => Furry
- Whenever => Whene-fur
- Wonderful => Won-fur-ful
- You => Mew
- Apologize => A-paw-logize
- First => Furr-st
- How are you? => Meow are mew?
- Morning => Meowrning
- Phon
In clinic today a female patient was admiring our MA's tattoos and said she had a large tattoo of a snake from her belly button, across her hip, and down to her tailbone. MA apprehensively said yes when asked if she wanted to see it.
Lady lifts up her shirt and... No tattoo.
Patient: "do you see it"?
MA: "no"
Patient: "well then it must have went back in it's hole"!
She was like 60+ years old. Priceless.
I said, "Well, I guess then we'd all be bakers."
"???"
"Because we'd be making loaves, not war."
The look on her face was priceless, and she must have groaned for five full minutes.
Sitting around having a few beers for father's day. The hour hand had come loose from the clock on the back porch and he went about fixing it, like he does most things. Finished up surprisingly quickly so I asked if he was done.
Dad: "Only time will tell"
I laughed so good. His grin was priceless. He was so proud of himself.
Good day.
My fiance and I were getting ready for bed. I was the first one to climb under the covers. For some reason it seems to be really cold when I first climb in, so I start rolling around frantically to generate some heat.
My fiance walks into the room and gives me a puzzled look.
> Her: Wow. You're looking intense, honey.
> Me: I'm not intense! I'm in a blanket!
The look on her face and the long groan was priceless.
My boyfriend and I had just pulled a pizza out of the oven, and he asked me how many pieces he should cut it into. Grinning and smooth as can be, I laid this blonde joke on him (I am naturally medium blond) "Oh, cut it into 6, I could never eat 8!" The look of WTF was priceless!
I took my two kids (4 and 6) to the new aquarium in our city. They have a petting tank with harmless bamboo sharks. I reach in to the tank. 4 year old: "Is it dangerous?" Me: "Yep" and get a good look of slight fear from him. I then pull my hand out with my ring finger bent over and show it to him. He responds with a look of abject horror. 6 year old: "Stop messing with us!" Unfold my finger and show them. My 4 year old was not amused.
Friend: Hey, you know how when you open a container or yogurt there's liquid on top some of the time? Me: Sure do, I believe that's whey though I could be wrong. Friend: IT IS WHEY! How cool is that? (With out missing a beat) Me: I'd say that's... whey... cool.
The look on his face was priceless and I'm still cracking up about it hours later.
Mom's friend rings the doorbell. Mom answers the door, "Hi Deb, good to see you. We missed you!"
Dad and I, on opposite sides of the room, look up in unison: "With every shot so far!"
The pride on his face was priceless.
And she goes: "Rice is an integral ingredient in Indian cuisine"
So I answered "You really wouldn't wanna derive from it then, eh?"
The glare she gave me afterwards was priceless :)
The look on his face was priceless.
The look on his face was priceless.
The look on his face was priceless.
The look on his face was priceless.
