How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crΓͺpes.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop
any time.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd
never met herbivore.
When chemists die, they barium.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
Why were the Indians in America first? They had reservations.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she
couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A theasaurus.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The
police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Velcro - what a rip off!
Donβt worry about old age; it doesnβt last.
My friend sent me these puns idk source just thought you would enjoy
[Sorry for the wall of text, I just wanted to share this with you]
Ok, so technically this was before I knew I was a dad at the time, and it happened a long time ago, so I'm paraphrasing it a bit (have to leave out some details. It's work related lol), but I'm really proud of it.
I was having this workplace dispute with this really snively guy who was being a bit of a prick about some work assignment he was really proud of. Long story short, he was worried about someone else taking credit for something and wanted me to talk to our boss about it for him (What does he think I am lol). Anyway, as I'm walking away I hear him coughing. So I turn around, and with this great big smile on my face, I'm like:
"Don't choke on your aspirations, mate."
Anyway, I thought it was a great line. I was smiling all the way back to my office. I don't know why it came to my mind at that moment, but it wasn't long before I'd meet my kids for the first time in years, and it was really great to reconnect with them.
Anyway, my kids are pretty popular (my son's a school teacher, so I don't want to embarrass him in front of the kids), and my daughter would be mortified to hear a dadjoke this terrible great so I'd appreciate if you didn't mention any details about me in the comments (might spoil their evening lol) it was just a nice little moment.
Anyway, just wanted to share the moment with you guys.
D. [To the mods, I know this is a kind of just a pun, but I thought it was worth posting here. I hope you guys understand.]
We were shopping and as we passed through the vegetable aisle he picks up a pack of peppers and starts talking about them. Then this happened:
Dad: do you know how many types of pepper there are?
Me (feeling the dad joke coming on): no dad, how many types of pepper are there?
Dad: well you have green peppers, red peppers, yellow peppers and news peppers.
Actually made me chuckle.
Her: Thatβs bananas.
Me: Yeah, I was shocked too.
Theyβre great at range
They made out like bandits.
They were really on top of things.
A super hearo
Legen-daddy
I bought a T-Shirt the other day but it kept giving me static electric shocks every time I tried to wear it.
I took it back to the store and they kindly replaced it with another one free of charge.
... admirable.
It was good father-son-thyme.
Waiter: Samosa?
Dad: No thanks. Iβm already full.
A metro-gnome
The dolphin notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he jumps higher out of the water and calls out, 'Can you all see me now?' And they respond: 'Yes.' 'Oui.' 'SΓ.' 'Ja.'
Rasta far eye.
He must be too dense.
because it is just beta.
He's my fief's fife foe fumbler
Bad News: You have one ear to live.
Girlfriend: "I'm emailing you the excel file." Me: "Excellent."
She doesn't want kids, but little does she know I'm already a dad at heart ( Ν‘Β° ΝΚ Ν‘Β°)
He was over for dinner, asking me about making a simple wooden box. Once he's finished describing what he wants to do and how he thinks he'll do it I reply with "Yeah, that wood work".
Day after day, she was always kiln it.
He's a Thyme Lord
...Genteel.
... because she's so good at fault finding.
A metro-gnome
A metro-gnome
A metro-gnome
A metro-gnome
A metro-gnome
