While at a restaurant, the waitress was totally flirting with me with my wife present. After she walked away, my wife said “She obviously has COVID!” “Why would you think that?” I asked.
“Because she has no taste.”
Past present and future walk into a bar
Santa's helpers are having a competition to see who can wrap the most amount of presents this year.
They are having a boxing match.
There's no worse time to be a chauvinist than the present
I had to give a presentation on playgrounds...
There were lots of slides.
Why is Harrison Ford so good at presentations?
He knows how to PowerPoint.
I made this She's got of lumps and bumps but I'm overall happy she's finnished kings, queens, and non-binary beans I present to you, my Les-bee-ian 😂🐝❤️🧡🤍💗
One of Santa’s biggest fears is getting stuck in the chimney while delivering presents
The future, the present and the past walked into a bar.
Things got a little tense.
Why did the German army not get presents from Santa during WWII?
Because they were naught-zis (Nazis).
(My 6 year old came up with this joke on his own out of the blue.)
During my work presentation, I was asked why I struggle with shapes.
I said I would triangle back to that question later on.
Why did only one letter of the alphabet get a Christmas present?
I’m excellent at wrapping presents...
Mariah Carey is opening her Christmas present
And inside she finds a deed to an undeveloped plot of land that is zoned residential. Disappointed, she sets the deed down and says, "I don't want a lot for Christmas!"
Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you: "Blues Lee"
Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?
Why don't trees get Christmas presents from Santa?
What did Saruman say after Gandalf got him a birthday present
I have this incredible talent where I can identify what's inside a wrapped present.
An Ophthalmologist receives a birthday present from his colleague Gynaecologist.
Ophthalmologist: - "Ahh, thank you so much! This is a crystal ball in the shape of an Eye. For your birthday I will...."
Gynaecologist: "Don't even think about it!"
What’s the best present you can gift?
A broken drum kit.
Nobody can beat that....
How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh?
Nothing, it's on the house.
When I was digging through the wardrobe on the weekend, I managed to find a present for the kids that I wrapped in a box last year and forgot to give them. Bargain
Can't wait to see their faces when they realize they have a puppy.
What is the best house warming present?
Who brings a linguist their Christmas presents?
They really PRESENTED these jokes
How do toads open presents?
My weird talent is always being able to tell what’s in a wrapped present.
The Pasta, Present and Future [OC]
My wife asked me to help her wrap presents...
So I started doing my best human beatbox impersonation.
"Yo! Yo! Presents in da hizzzzzzz!"
She wasn't as amused as I was.
It's Christmas day. Mariah Carey is opening presents around the tree with friends and family. She opens an envelope with a gift, the deed to a piece of residential land.
With a frown, she says "I don't want a lot for Christmas".
I got to open a present early. It was anti-gloating cream
I can't wait to rub it in
Teenagers are no longer getting many Xmas presents
Because they are in the noughties list.
Joke I made to my gamer buddy.
Friend: -Sighs-
Me: -AGGRESSIVELY LOUD SIIIIIIIIIIIGH-
Friend: "The heck was that?"
Me: "I heard you were sighin', so I thought I'd join you and go super sighin.
(Dragonball Z joke with Saiyans)
Background to this joke: Took me years to get the perfect setup for this joke. Needed a bunch of friends present for maximum groans/laughs, needed to remember to do it, and needed friend to sigh and follow up to my ridiculous-ness. It was one of my most satisfying jokes I've told.
Every year Santa delivers presents to the kids....
....based on what their parents income is.
What’s a Christmas present’s favorite sport?
I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present
Cop: But you are the lawyer?
Me: Then where’s my present?
The past, the present and the future all walk into a bar.
The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar
And things got a little tense.
The future, the present and the past walked into a bar,
Things got a little tense.
What is the best Christmas present in the world?
A broken drum, you just can’t beat it!
Not to brag, but I have this weird talent in guessing what is inside a wrapped present.
What’s the absolute best Christmas present?
A broken drum — you can’t beat it!
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest of the letters were not-E.
What is always wrapped up in the present ?
The past, present and future walk into a room.
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