It’s a little meteor.
(Not a dad. But I told this to my dad and he approved)
It's adorable
She said it was a tie
"You know how to make a Venetian blind? Poke him in the eyes!"
People really myth judge him.
German children are Kinder.
I said like a subaru but nicer
It’s much nicer having some company
You're in a large city with a great port. You're in a nicer part of town, away from the water, in a nice inn. You're having a meal of potatoes. You look down - there's a toe! The toe smells like tar and fish. It stinks. Your neighbor leans over and says, "P.U.! That's not just any toe!! That's a portmanteau!"
I replied 'Baby, if you wanted to see things nicer, you could have just worn rouge-colored glasses."
Driving through Georgia, the wife saw a sign for Jekyll Island. She turns to me and says, "Oh I've heard Jekyll island is really nice."
My response: "Yeah, I've heard it's a lot nicer than Hyde Island"
Her: "You're terrible."
After visiting Chinatown, went to the Fisherman's wharf at night.
Wife sees shop with nice looking - non junky, Chinese items priced very high Wife: Look! It's like Chinatown, just way nicer and more expensive! Me: You might even call it....Fine Chinatown
I got both an eye roll and a groan. It was great.
I'd been waiting for it to kick in. 10 months after having baby, on a chairlift in Gatlinburg with my wife:
Wife: "This chairlift is a lot nicer and more stable than the one in our little theme park back home."
Me: "It has a lot more riding on it."
How do you kill a blue elephant?
- With a blue elephant gun.
How do you kill a white elephant?
- Choke him till he turns blue, then use a blue elephant gun.
Did you know elephants paint their toenails to hide in bags of skittles? No? Have you ever seen an elephant in a bag of skittles? NO? WELL I GUESS IT WORKS!
All the guys in highschool band would call me a girl whenever my stomach would hurt after playing an instrument too long.
- Why'd it hurt your stomach? Minstrel Cramps.
I brought a girl over once and her name is Jessica. My father has a pretty severe case of tinnitus where he hears about 5-6 different tones at any given time. She announced her name and he thought it was Melissa for a few minutes. Eventually she corrected him.
He stared at her blankly for a moment and then asked, "Why'd you change your name Melissa? I think Melissa is a much nicer name."
Goddamnitdadwhyyoudothistome.
These are only a few. I practice very hard every day with my friends to become as punny and corny as a father should be with jokes. Someday I'll make him proud.
Me: This clementine juice is nicer than eating an actual clementine.
Dad: And this Budweiser is nicer than eating an actual bud.
As the family is making fun of my mother for her voice cracking
Mom: "Wasn't being nicer to everyone something we all wrote down?!?"
Me: "Nope."
Sister: "Nope."
Dad: "I don't remember, I wrote mine down last year."
