Chinese take out: 8 dollars. Tip: 2 dollars. Getting home to find out they forgot part of your order...
π︎ 14k
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︎ Dec 15 2020
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasnβt happy at all. βHow much have you had to drink?β she asked sternly, staring at me. βNothingβ I slurred. βLook at me!β she shouted. βItβs either me or the pub, which one is it?β
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, βItβs you. I can tell by the voice.β
π︎ 16k
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︎ Dec 27 2020
After all this home schooling, my kid finally lost control
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︎ Jan 28 2021
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies. "
I replied, "Tell him, he's bloody good. I don't have any kids."
π︎ 11k
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︎ Feb 01 2021
Every day I come home and ask my dog how his day was, and every day he always gives the same answer...
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︎ Dec 26 2020
I was so bored sitting at home that I memorized six pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
π︎ 973
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︎ Dec 16 2020
FIRST DATE: Her dad: "I want her home before midnight."
Me: "But you already own her home."
Dad: -turning to daughter- "If you don't sleep with him, I will."
Credit to u/psybermonkey15
π︎ 27k
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︎ Sep 16 2020
last gift on birthday
π︎ 2k
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︎ Jan 28 2021
Itβs a 5 minute walk from my home to the local pub...
...and itβs a 30 minute walk from that pub back home.
The difference is staggering.
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︎ Jan 23 2021
Glass bottle recycling truck in my home town
π︎ 35
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︎ Jan 11 2021
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
π︎ 43
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︎ Jan 01 2021
When I left home to go on a business trip, my wife said "Don't forget to write"
I thought, "That's unlikely... it's a basic skill, isn't it?"
π︎ 390
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︎ Dec 21 2020
I have a step ladder at home...
... I never knew my real ladder.
π︎ 704
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︎ Nov 15 2020
when I was a child we were so poor that my mother made us clothes out of the scraps my dad would bring home from work at the sandpaper factory
π︎ 85
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︎ Dec 24 2020
Given that a case of the sniffles means staying home from school, we give my daughter a daily allergy medicine. My wife was giving her breakfast before school, and when I walked out, I asked if sheβd had her medicine yet.
My daughter said yes, and I replied, βSo youβre de-Claritin that youβve had it already?β
π︎ 39
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︎ Jan 17 2021
My wife rang me at the pub and said, βIf youβre not home in 10 minutes, Iβm giving the dinner I cooked you to the dog.β I was home in 5 minutes.
Iβd hate for anything to happen to the dog.
π︎ 14k
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︎ Sep 06 2020
did you know that stippers dont have airconditioning in their homes?
π︎ 39
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︎ Jan 02 2021
Why did the phone stay home?
π︎ 15
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︎ Jan 27 2021
When I get home my wife's underwear is coming straight off...
They're cutting right into my hips.
π︎ 17
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︎ Jan 14 2021
So I brought a tree home for Christmas
My son saw the huge tree and asked, "Are you going to put i up yourself?"
I replied, "No son I'm going to put it up in the living room."
π︎ 17
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︎ Dec 24 2020
Wanna know how I welcome birds to my home?
π︎ 5
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︎ Jan 31 2021
I just bought a dictionary today and bought it home to find out that all the pages were blank.
I have no words to describe how angry I am.
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︎ Dec 10 2020
A classic Christmas movie
π︎ 4k
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︎ Dec 31 2020
My daughter came into my "home office" (closet) and said, "You wanna hear a joke?" I told her that I did
Daughter: "Quarantine."
Me: . . .
Daughter: "You don't get it. It's an inside joke."
π︎ 14k
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︎ Aug 08 2020
Called my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, could you please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?" She answered, "Yeah..."
"But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now!"
π︎ 41
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︎ Dec 31 2020
One day, as I was walking home, someone threw a block of cheese at my head. I thought-
βThatβs not very mature!β
π︎ 5
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︎ Jan 03 2021
Being stuck at home during lockdown, I keep having these nightmares that my house is made of celery.
Doctors are calling it the stalk home syndrome.
π︎ 3
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︎ Jan 26 2021
I didn't want to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker
But when I got home all the signs were there
π︎ 8k
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︎ Jan 08 2021
How does a computer get drunk?
π︎ 459
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︎ Jan 26 2021
What does a builder from Newcastle do at home?
π︎ 8
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︎ Jan 13 2021
What's a pirates favorite part of his home?
π︎ 5
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︎ Dec 24 2020
Today my friend asked me βWhat kinda shit would make you want to stay home all day?β
I said βDiarrhea for sureβ.
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︎ Jan 17 2021
What kind of homes do they have in Wakanda?
π︎ 11
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︎ Jan 06 2021
The new funeral home in town will not let me view my loved ones before their burial, sadly.
π︎ 6
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︎ Jan 10 2021
What did the bone mage use to rob medieval homes?
π︎ 6
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︎ Jan 08 2021
Schools today are serious about keeping sickness away. They even sent the espresso home today.
Because it was a little coffee.
π︎ 8
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︎ Jan 06 2021
Traveling with my nine year old, and he observed that our gate in Hartford was A6, and our gate in Baltimore is B6. I respond that it's raining so hard we'll take a boat home...
π︎ 6
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︎ Dec 20 2020
Did you hear the one about the homing missile launcher?
Well, I wouldn't want you to miss out!
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︎ Jan 12 2021
What kind of flooring does the snake-loving architect design all of his homes with?
π︎ 8
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︎ Dec 31 2020
My wife asked how many Indian flatbreads do we still have at home,
π︎ 10
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︎ Dec 13 2020
An man at a bar didnβt want his wife to know he was out all night. But he was so drunk he couldnβt even stand and had to crawl all the way back home on all fours.
He got home he reached up for the door knob and opened the door, crawled upstairs and into his bed with his wife. His wife in the morning said βWhy were you out all night?β He said βHow did you find out?β
She said βThe bar called. They said you left your wheelchair againβ.
π︎ 12
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︎ Dec 26 2020
I rang my blonde g/f to tell her that I was staying home because I had bronchitis.
She said, "Awww, at least you have company. I wish I had a dinosaur."
π︎ 3
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︎ Jan 09 2021
A man came home from the pet shop with loads of geese.
He only went for a gander
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︎ Jan 08 2021
Why should you always eat eggs benedict at home on Christmas?
Because there's no place like home for the hollandaise.
π︎ 21
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︎ Dec 08 2020
Fuck being home all day doing nothing!!
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︎ Dec 03 2020
When I was leaving home for the first time, my dad said to me, "Don't forget to write."
I thought, "That's unlikely. It's a basic skill, isn't it ?"
π︎ 20
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︎ Jan 01 2021
Every day I come home and ask my dog how his day was, and every day he always gives the same answer...
π︎ 7
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︎ Dec 26 2020
I just bought a Thesaurus at the store and bought it home to find all the pages were blank.
I have no words to describe how angry I am.
π︎ 202
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︎ Nov 16 2020
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