Man: Iβm so sorry Iβm late for my ship cleaning job. What are my responsibilities?
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︎ Nov 27 2020
Great power, great responsibility, etc.
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︎ Sep 22 2020
Take responsibility for your actions.
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︎ Jul 30 2020
I called my friend to tell him about my big promotion and how it comes with a lot of new responsibilities now that I'm running the business. He asked what my new job was and how I was holding up.
I told him "I'm generally managing"
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︎ Aug 21 2020
As the newest medic on my shift, my boss told me it was my responsibility to watch the office.
Iβm currently on season 6, and still have no idea what this has to do with being a medic.
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︎ Feb 27 2020
Dad died 17 years ago, but mom takes on the responsibility
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︎ Nov 10 2016
Sometimes I go to the bathroom at work to avoid responsibilities
I like to say I'm stalling
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︎ Sep 23 2019
I donβt know how to make good titles so Iβm writing this to duck out of the responsibility of entertaining you.
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︎ Jun 01 2019
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︎ Oct 10 2018
When my brother has kids I'm going to cook them rice and teach them about great responsibility.
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︎ Jan 19 2019
Dad joke responsibility from the 1st minute
Doctor: [handing me my new born baby] I'm sorry, your wife didn't make it. Me: [handing baby back to him] Bring me the one my wife made
Taken from r/funnyandsad and believed it belonged on this subreddit as well
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︎ Feb 27 2019
My girlfriend and her younger sisters (21 and 9) were adopted by lesbian parents. I'm going to be the only dad joke source in their lives and it's a big responsibility that I take seriously. Any suggestions are welcomed.
For the youngest siblings recent 9th birthday I put 9 dollars in a block of ice (had to bribe a local butcher shop to let me put a cooler in their freezer, worth it) But I need some long term ideas, because I intend to show this family with a lack of dads the full scope of dad jokes
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︎ Nov 22 2016
Dad Joke on /r/news: Russia says Canada weed legalization is a breach of international responsibility
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︎ Jun 27 2018
Did you hear about the Dad who claimed responsibility for the earthquake?
He said it was all his fault.
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︎ May 15 2018
With great puns comes great responsibility.
I came home today to a dark house, quickly learned that the power had been out for hours. Walked into my roomate's bedroom, they're sitting on the bed.
Me: "So I hear you're feeling a little... powerless."
I swear on all things holy that at that very fucking moment the lights flickered on. We just sat there in disbelief for a moment. My puns are that god damned good. I must use the power well (stealth pun PSA: love the environment).
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︎ Feb 08 2015
I work at a paper factory, where my responsibilities are twofold.
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︎ Nov 23 2017
My dad teaching us financial responsibility
Years ago my parents sent my sister to England for a summer camp/study trip. Whenever we would call her we'd all gather around the speakerphone and talk briefly since international phone calls were expensive back then. One day we call her and my sister tells my dad that she has 6 more days of camp left and she is down to her last pound (dollar). There is a long awkward pause. Then my sister ask: Dad, what should I do? To which my dad responds: Spend it wisely...
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︎ Oct 22 2013
Whatβs the difference between the police response to Black Lives Matter protests and their response to the Capitol Hill riots?
Well, itβs black and white.
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︎ Jan 07 2021
Told my dad I was cold, his response was to tell me to stand in the corner
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︎ Dec 04 2020
Well calculated response
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︎ May 16 2020
Torque appropriated circumstances call for -in kind- repeat applied force when concerned with most of yer dried and salted pork products and jovial responses.
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︎ Oct 19 2020
Told my dad I took care of getting the propane tanks at the house filled. His response?
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︎ Nov 23 2020
Officer : Sir, Maβam, Iβm afraid your child was responsible for burning the building.
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︎ Nov 14 2020
Iβve recently discovered Iβm terrified of elevators, so Iβm taking steps to avoid them.
I was a little afraid of speed bumps too, but Iβm slowly getting over them!
UPDATE: Thank you so much for all the upvotes and amazing responses, fellow Dad Joke lovers.
You make the world a happier place! π€©
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︎ Nov 12 2020
Interviewer: We only hire people who are responsible.
Me: Well, your search ends today.
At my previous job, whenever something went wrong, everybody said I was responsible.
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︎ Jun 21 2020
The WHO have a German Doctor now heading up their COVID response..
.. He's Dr Hans Sanitizer.
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︎ Sep 11 2020
You know, in this job we really need someone who is responsible
The man thinks for a moment, and then replies, βI am perfect for you. In my last job, lots of things went badly wrong and they always said I was responsible.β
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︎ Sep 11 2020
In response to the American coin shortage, Canada has committed to providing the U.S. aid
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︎ Jul 30 2020
My girlfriend asked me if I could help bleach her hair. To my response:
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︎ Aug 20 2020
My grandad was responsible for 28 downed german planes in WW2.
Still to this day holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
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︎ Sep 06 2019
Whenever someone asks me if I prefer maples, elms, or oaks, my response is always the same:
"It's not a poplar tree contest."
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︎ Jul 19 2020
I looked up my family tree.
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︎ Jan 04 2021
Elephant response
My four year old granddaughter just came home from the zoo and asked why elephants have trunks. I did not miss a beat and replied they have too much stuff for a suitcase.
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︎ Aug 08 2020
My response when asked why I go around healing blind people:
Youβll see. Youβll all see.
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︎ Aug 07 2020
With great reflexes comes great response ability.
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︎ Nov 08 2019
So I walked into my daughter's room with a tape measure the other day, and she was lying on her bed reading a book. I stood in the doorway and started slowly extending the tape measure, all the way across the room, until it touched her cheek. "What??" she asked me. My response...
"I'm measuring your patience!"
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︎ Aug 24 2019
What do you call an otolaryngologist that is found guilty of malpractice?
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︎ Dec 31 2020
The response time was very slow
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︎ May 01 2020
Response to any time your child asks you when something happened.
Well son, you were in Baghdad back then.
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︎ Jul 03 2020
I asked my daughter if she wanted to go to the store with me. She said βIβm good.β
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︎ Nov 16 2020
Gonna brew and market my own beer, and call it βResponsibly.β
Advertising slogan will be a doddle: βPlease drink Responsibly.β
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︎ May 30 2020
Why wouldn't the Republicans impeach Donald Trump?
They insist on bringing a baby to full term.
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︎ Sep 08 2020
Settle a pun debate
I asked two friends for the best pun Bond would utter if he'd just shoved a bad guy into a huge industrial deep-fat fryer. Their responses were:
Friend #1: "Play with fryer, get burnt.
(Isn't there an old saying of don't play with fire unless you want to get burnt?)"
Friend #2: "Why is my instinct to say cool off there?
Let's assume it's christmas. 'Thats a real Crisped Kringle' is what I'd say
Or do I know the guy's dad? Let's say I do. 'Youre a chip of the old block'"
I know, I need new friends. Do me a favour redditors and please tell me whose pun is least awful? And if you have any better ones, I'm all ears! (Mine was "Thank God it's fry day", I'm sure you can all do better).
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︎ Nov 26 2020
I almost missed my cake day!
That would have been real crumby.
Edit: thanks for the gifts! Iβve never felt so kneaded.
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︎ May 21 2020
Hope this one doesnβt blow up on me.
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︎ Feb 21 2020
What is the second to last letter of the alphabet?
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︎ Aug 15 2020
Humans are scared of hippos because they're violent and responsible for hundreds of deaths per year, when in reality, people kill way more people per year...
...so thatβs just being hippocritical...
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︎ Apr 28 2020
I say to my dad βim hungryβ
hi hungry im dad was the response
no i said, mom just gave me the dna testing
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︎ Jan 05 2021
Asked my kids this morning to bring their laundry and separate it into whites and colors. My son holds up some grey sweats and asks which pile.
My response: Not sure son, thatβs kind of a grey area.
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︎ Dec 19 2020
It's cloudy all over just now.
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︎ May 02 2020
What's the difference between a bath tub and an alligator?
(Dad waits for the common response: "I don't know, what?")
Then I'd advice you to never take a bath.
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︎ Dec 22 2020
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︎ Aug 24 2019
My response to my wifeβs update to friends and family regarding my surgery
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︎ Feb 02 2020
My grandpa was responsible for downing 43 German planes in WW2.
To this day he still holds the record as the worst mechanic in the Luftwaffe.
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︎ Jun 23 2020
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