If I don't let my son play Call of Duty he screams for hours.

So I let him play and he screams for hours.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/incredibleinkpen
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2021
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I was called up for jury duty today but luckily it didn’t last too long...

It was a briefcase.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zeekbrah
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2021
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A Roman Lifeguard on duty:

See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fladavpam
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2021
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"Plagiarism squad reporting for duty"

"Copy that."

πŸ‘︎ 71
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
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How do you relieve an executioner from his duties?

You do it with a firing squad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chonqme
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
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During my first month on the road paving crew, they always gave me all the worst jobs. I endured all of it, up until they put me on paint duty...

...that's where I finally had to draw the line.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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Me and the boys on Call of Duty
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πŸ‘€︎ u/deathsticks4sale
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
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What did Abraham Lincoln say when he watched a Call of Duty killcam?

Nice play.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThePegaKris
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
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Being with her was a call of duty
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jelyarms
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2020
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In this time of crisis I believe it is our duty as a community to make a rapid respons team to help the rest of the world!

We will be known as the rapid respuns

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πŸ‘€︎ u/van_-Dam
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2020
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Im really looking forward to the new Hacking Twist in Call of Duty!

They call it Modem Warfare!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/meistereder420
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
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I went to the men’s room at the Duty Free Shop

They only had urinals.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jayrandomer
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2019
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It's that time of year that my wife's family divides up holiday hosting duties.

Christmas Eve and Christmas dinner are already spoken for, but Thanksgiving hasn't been discussed yet. Thanksgiving is usually at my father-in-law's, but my stepmother-in-law has previously hinted that she might not want to host anymore.

Wife: "I talked to [stepmother-in-law] today, and she didn't say 'boo' about Thanksgiving."

Me: "Did she say 'gobble gobble'?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfofurn
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2019
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What do you call a dinosaur who's a police officer that rides a three wheeled vehicle while on duty?

Trikeceracop

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kerlandays
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2019
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An off duty cop lost his luggage at the airport. Luckily it didn't take him long to find.

It was a briefcase.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/-Dibsy-
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2019
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When it’s dark and you are picking up after your dog while a vehicle drives by with it’s headlights on, it is not only convenient, it is putting a spotlight on your civic duty
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2018
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Walmart greeters and doormen have howdy duties. (Howdy Doody)

Yes, I'm old.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Knitwitty66
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2018
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Jury duty sucks

Even the vending machines are out of order

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HopelesslyFamous
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2018
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The submariner was quiet and kept to himself while off duty...

... a subdued sub dude.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/anksil
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2018
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Turns out that new Call of Duty brand frames are available through LensCrafters' website!

Press F to pay for specs.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dachannien
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2018
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I just can't stand playing Call of Duty Blackout old.reddit.com/r/Blackops…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GATh33Gr8
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2018
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Fiance told me I'm on cake duty for the wedding

I told her that cake duty doesn't come till after I eat the cake.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/falthazar
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2016
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Got my SO while talking about the new Call of Duty.

Him: "Someone on Reddit dubbed it 'Call of Duty: Kevin Spacey Edition.'"

Me: "Why not just call it 'House of CODs' ?"

The look he gave me was one of both shame and awe.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/haferflocken
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2014
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Was talking to my dad about the next call of duty. Then he texted me these

http://imgur.com/cyUymX8

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vanbuscus
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2014
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The time my Dad went above and beyond the call of duty, at a formal dinner party

Picture this.

A fancy Christmas dinner party at his new wife's opulent, sandstone estate house. Plates are being cleared from the lengthy, mahogony table that seats the fourteen well-to-do guests, the main course having just finished. All have feasted gloriously on our Christmas fare.

My Dad, playing the good host, picks up two bottles of wine, one white and one red, and proceeds to do a round of the table, chatting amiably with everyone as he circles. Those whose glasses are less than 90% full, he proceeds to top-up. I am sitting in the very centre of the long table, seated directly opposite a very well off lady in her early sixties, by the name of Margaret. My dad, having just topped off my glass, is now standing directly behind me.

This older woman, full of grace and charm, looks to my Dad and says, "Thank you so much for this glorious meal, John. It's been simply divine."

My Dad, "Not at all, Margaret, not at all. Could I charge your glass?"

Margaret, "Oh, no no, thank you. I've got the bottle in front of me!"

My Dad, quick of wit, and with a sneaky - yet charming - grin on his face, responds, "Ah, well, better that than a frontal lobotomy!"

I've never been more proud of him.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rolloxan
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2013
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Younger brother is playing Call of Duty...

I walk into the room and my Dad says, "There's an Alzheimer's patient in his game. His name is Charlie, and he keeps getting lost."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/simeo97
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2014
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Plagiarism squad reporting for duty.

"Copy that"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fukhed69
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2018
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