I think my dad's getting sick of the Bernie memes. He also did not appreciate my response.
What’s the difference between the police response to Black Lives Matter protests and their response to the Capitol Hill riots?
Well, it’s black and white.
they have found the heartless people responsible for all this controversy with the stocks
Told my dad I was cold, his response was to tell me to stand in the corner
Torque appropriated circumstances call for -in kind- repeat applied force when concerned with most of yer dried and salted pork products and jovial responses.
Told my dad I took care of getting the propane tanks at the house filled. His response?
Man: I’m so sorry I’m late for my ship cleaning job. What are my responsibilities?
Officer : Sir, Ma’am, I’m afraid your child was responsible for burning the building.
Great power, great responsibility, etc.
If anyone gets a DM from me about canned meat, don't open it!
Interviewer: We only hire people who are responsible.
Me: Well, your search ends today.
At my previous job, whenever something went wrong, everybody said I was responsible.
I’ve recently discovered I’m terrified of elevators, so I’m taking steps to avoid them.
I was a little afraid of speed bumps too, but I’m slowly getting over them!
UPDATE: Thank you so much for all the upvotes and amazing responses, fellow Dad Joke lovers.
You make the world a happier place! 🤩
The WHO have a German Doctor now heading up their COVID response..
.. He's Dr Hans Sanitizer.
Take responsibility for your actions.
You know, in this job we really need someone who is responsible
The man thinks for a moment, and then replies, “I am perfect for you. In my last job, lots of things went badly wrong and they always said I was responsible.”
My grandad was responsible for 28 downed german planes in WW2.
Still to this day holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
In response to the American coin shortage, Canada has committed to providing the U.S. aid
My girlfriend asked me if I could help bleach her hair. To my response:
Whenever someone asks me if I prefer maples, elms, or oaks, my response is always the same:
"It's not a poplar tree contest."
With great reflexes comes great response ability.
So I walked into my daughter's room with a tape measure the other day, and she was lying on her bed reading a book. I stood in the doorway and started slowly extending the tape measure, all the way across the room, until it touched her cheek. "What??" she asked me. My response...
"I'm measuring your patience!"
Elephant response
My four year old granddaughter just came home from the zoo and asked why elephants have trunks. I did not miss a beat and replied they have too much stuff for a suitcase.
Just got out of a great interview with an amazing new job...
They told me they were looking for someone responsible! I told them this was perfect, whenever something went wrong at my old job they always said I was responsible.
I called my friend to tell him about my big promotion and how it comes with a lot of new responsibilities now that I'm running the business. He asked what my new job was and how I was holding up.
I told him "I'm generally managing"
My response when asked why I go around healing blind people:
You’ll see. You’ll all see.
As we were at the top of the Eiffel Tower watching a beautiful sunset, I got down on one knee and said, “Honey?”
She gasped audibly and said, “Yeah?”
I said, “Help! My knee is made of magnets!”
I looked up my family tree.
The response time was very slow
Response to any time your child asks you when something happened.
Well son, you were in Baghdad back then.
Gonna brew and market my own beer, and call it “Responsibly.”
Advertising slogan will be a doddle: “Please drink Responsibly.”
What do you call an otolaryngologist that is found guilty of malpractice?
I almost missed my cake day!
That would have been real crumby.
Edit: thanks for the gifts! I’ve never felt so kneaded.
Why wouldn't the Republicans impeach Donald Trump?
They insist on bringing a baby to full term.
Humans are scared of hippos because they're violent and responsible for hundreds of deaths per year, when in reality, people kill way more people per year...
...so that’s just being hippocritical...
I asked my daughter if she wanted to go to the store with me. She said “I’m good.”
What is the second to last letter of the alphabet?
Settle a pun debate
I asked two friends for the best pun Bond would utter if he'd just shoved a bad guy into a huge industrial deep-fat fryer. Their responses were:
Friend #1: "Play with fryer, get burnt.
(Isn't there an old saying of don't play with fire unless you want to get burnt?)"
Friend #2: "Why is my instinct to say cool off there?
Let's assume it's christmas. 'Thats a real Crisped Kringle' is what I'd say
Or do I know the guy's dad? Let's say I do. 'Youre a chip of the old block'"
I know, I need new friends. Do me a favour redditors and please tell me whose pun is least awful? And if you have any better ones, I'm all ears! (Mine was "Thank God it's fry day", I'm sure you can all do better).
It's cloudy all over just now.
My response to my wife’s update to friends and family regarding my surgery
What did the yoga instructor say in response to the eviction notice?
I say to my dad “im hungry”
hi hungry im dad was the response
no i said, mom just gave me the dna testing
Asked my kids this morning to bring their laundry and separate it into whites and colors. My son holds up some grey sweats and asks which pile.
My response: Not sure son, that’s kind of a grey area.
My grandpa was responsible for downing 43 German planes in WW2.
To this day he still holds the record as the worst mechanic in the Luftwaffe.
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