Man: I’m so sorry I’m late for my ship cleaning job. What are my responsibilities?

Boss: You mist the boat.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Great power, great responsibility, etc.
πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hot_controller
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Take responsibility for your actions.
πŸ‘︎ 109
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KyserSoze94
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I called my friend to tell him about my big promotion and how it comes with a lot of new responsibilities now that I'm running the business. He asked what my new job was and how I was holding up.

I told him "I'm generally managing"

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shantron5000
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
As the newest medic on my shift, my boss told me it was my responsibility to watch the office.

I’m currently on season 6, and still have no idea what this has to do with being a medic.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rgapinski
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad died 17 years ago, but mom takes on the responsibility

http://imgur.com/48pSnFZ

πŸ‘︎ 15k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/queerdeviant
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2016
🚨︎ report
Sometimes I go to the bathroom at work to avoid responsibilities

I like to say I'm stalling

πŸ‘︎ 63
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ScoDubs
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I don’t know how to make good titles so I’m writing this to duck out of the responsibility of entertaining you.
πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/A-Pork-Chop-57
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2019
🚨︎ report
When my brother has kids I'm going to cook them rice and teach them about great responsibility.

My name is Ben.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zanman28
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2019
🚨︎ report
When we die we lose both our responsibilities and our response abilities reddit.com/r/Showerthough…
πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Phike_
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2018
🚨︎ report
Dad joke responsibility from the 1st minute

Doctor: [handing me my new born baby] I'm sorry, your wife didn't make it. Me: [handing baby back to him] Bring me the one my wife made

Taken from r/funnyandsad and believed it belonged on this subreddit as well

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cgilardini
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2019
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend and her younger sisters (21 and 9) were adopted by lesbian parents. I'm going to be the only dad joke source in their lives and it's a big responsibility that I take seriously. Any suggestions are welcomed.

For the youngest siblings recent 9th birthday I put 9 dollars in a block of ice (had to bribe a local butcher shop to let me put a cooler in their freezer, worth it) But I need some long term ideas, because I intend to show this family with a lack of dads the full scope of dad jokes

πŸ‘︎ 54
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MANTHEFUCKUPBRO
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2016
🚨︎ report
Dad Joke on /r/news: Russia says Canada weed legalization is a breach of international responsibility
πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SergePower
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2018
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the Dad who claimed responsibility for the earthquake?

He said it was all his fault.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/onejdc
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2018
🚨︎ report
With great puns comes great responsibility.

I came home today to a dark house, quickly learned that the power had been out for hours. Walked into my roomate's bedroom, they're sitting on the bed.

Me: "So I hear you're feeling a little... powerless."

I swear on all things holy that at that very fucking moment the lights flickered on. We just sat there in disbelief for a moment. My puns are that god damned good. I must use the power well (stealth pun PSA: love the environment).

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BusinessGoat
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2015
🚨︎ report
I work at a paper factory, where my responsibilities are twofold.
πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cross_beaux
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2017
🚨︎ report
My dad teaching us financial responsibility

Years ago my parents sent my sister to England for a summer camp/study trip. Whenever we would call her we'd all gather around the speakerphone and talk briefly since international phone calls were expensive back then. One day we call her and my sister tells my dad that she has 6 more days of camp left and she is down to her last pound (dollar). There is a long awkward pause. Then my sister ask: Dad, what should I do? To which my dad responds: Spend it wisely...

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cabrilo
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2013
🚨︎ report
What’s the difference between the police response to Black Lives Matter protests and their response to the Capitol Hill riots?

Well, it’s black and white.

πŸ‘︎ 84
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thisDiff
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
Told my dad I was cold, his response was to tell me to stand in the corner

It’s 90 degrees there

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/justbeatitTTD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Well calculated response
πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/moses10960
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Torque appropriated circumstances call for -in kind- repeat applied force when concerned with most of yer dried and salted pork products and jovial responses.
πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/brutalproduct
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Told my dad I took care of getting the propane tanks at the house filled. His response?

"Tanks a lot!"

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Missburr
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Officer : Sir, Ma’am, I’m afraid your child was responsible for burning the building.

Dad : You mean our son?

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KIT-3
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I’ve recently discovered I’m terrified of elevators, so I’m taking steps to avoid them.

I was a little afraid of speed bumps too, but I’m slowly getting over them!

UPDATE: Thank you so much for all the upvotes and amazing responses, fellow Dad Joke lovers. You make the world a happier place! 🀩

πŸ‘︎ 17k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Whoopass_voice
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Interviewer: We only hire people who are responsible.

Me: Well, your search ends today. At my previous job, whenever something went wrong, everybody said I was responsible.

πŸ‘︎ 802
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CameronC7
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
🚨︎ report
The WHO have a German Doctor now heading up their COVID response..

.. He's Dr Hans Sanitizer.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
🚨︎ report
You know, in this job we really need someone who is responsible

The man thinks for a moment, and then replies, β€œI am perfect for you. In my last job, lots of things went badly wrong and they always said I was responsible.”

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Saturnet
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
🚨︎ report
In response to the American coin shortage, Canada has committed to providing the U.S. aid

They give us Nickelback

πŸ‘︎ 39
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SquireX
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend asked me if I could help bleach her hair. To my response:

I'd rather dye.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/delo357
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
🚨︎ report
My grandad was responsible for 28 downed german planes in WW2.

Still to this day holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Whenever someone asks me if I prefer maples, elms, or oaks, my response is always the same:

"It's not a poplar tree contest."

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ganders81
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I looked up my family tree.

I am the sap.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Elephant response

My four year old granddaughter just came home from the zoo and asked why elephants have trunks. I did not miss a beat and replied they have too much stuff for a suitcase.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/macmanfan
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
🚨︎ report
My response when asked why I go around healing blind people:

You’ll see. You’ll all see.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Strange_An0maly
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
With great reflexes comes great response ability.
πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lord_Vile1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2019
🚨︎ report
So I walked into my daughter's room with a tape measure the other day, and she was lying on her bed reading a book. I stood in the doorway and started slowly extending the tape measure, all the way across the room, until it touched her cheek. "What??" she asked me. My response...

"I'm measuring your patience!"

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Piccolo_Bass
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call an otolaryngologist that is found guilty of malpractice?

Ear-responsible

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/antirabbit
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
The response time was very slow
πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PhoenixofRevenge
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Response to any time your child asks you when something happened.

Well son, you were in Baghdad back then.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Brock_Walker
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I asked my daughter if she wanted to go to the store with me. She said β€œI’m good.”

I said β€œAt what?”

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/blkfx
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Gonna brew and market my own beer, and call it β€œResponsibly.”

Advertising slogan will be a doddle: β€œPlease drink Responsibly.”

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Why wouldn't the Republicans impeach Donald Trump?

They insist on bringing a baby to full term.

πŸ‘︎ 220
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Pcwils1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Settle a pun debate

I asked two friends for the best pun Bond would utter if he'd just shoved a bad guy into a huge industrial deep-fat fryer. Their responses were:

Friend #1: "Play with fryer, get burnt.
(Isn't there an old saying of don't play with fire unless you want to get burnt?)"

Friend #2: "Why is my instinct to say cool off there?
Let's assume it's christmas. 'Thats a real Crisped Kringle' is what I'd say
Or do I know the guy's dad? Let's say I do. 'Youre a chip of the old block'"

I know, I need new friends. Do me a favour redditors and please tell me whose pun is least awful? And if you have any better ones, I'm all ears! (Mine was "Thank God it's fry day", I'm sure you can all do better).

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/creaky_thumbs
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I almost missed my cake day!

That would have been real crumby.

Edit: thanks for the gifts! I’ve never felt so kneaded.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SufficientNarwhal
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Hope this one doesn’t blow up on me.
πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lococlyde
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2020
🚨︎ report
What is the second to last letter of the alphabet?

Because I want to know

πŸ‘︎ 269
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thkoog
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Humans are scared of hippos because they're violent and responsible for hundreds of deaths per year, when in reality, people kill way more people per year...

...so that’s just being hippocritical...

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I say to my dad β€œim hungry”

hi hungry im dad was the response no i said, mom just gave me the dna testing

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cuulfaff3
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Asked my kids this morning to bring their laundry and separate it into whites and colors. My son holds up some grey sweats and asks which pile.

My response: Not sure son, that’s kind of a grey area.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
What's the difference between a bath tub and an alligator?

(Dad waits for the common response: "I don't know, what?")

Then I'd advice you to never take a bath.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/twozon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
It's cloudy all over just now.
πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/orlanthi
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2020
🚨︎ report
It's true what they say about scaring vampires with a torch.

You can see it in their fright of light response.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/praisethelort
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm proud of this one. My response to my mom's Facebook post. imgur.com/epX4rcj
πŸ‘︎ 247
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MetalJunkie101
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2019
🚨︎ report
My grandpa was responsible for downing 43 German planes in WW2.

To this day he still holds the record as the worst mechanic in the Luftwaffe.

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/katskratched
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.