My wife tells me I have 2 major faults,

I don't listen - and something else.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kgangadhar
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
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It's the pilot's fault.

See a story about a pilot didn't remember his correct destination. Look at my 19 year old son and say "He just plane forgot!"
His eyes rolled like that boulder in Indiana Jones

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jmac0585
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
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totally not his fault, can understand
πŸ‘︎ 72
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Banoooooooo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
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I went out the garden this afternoon and got sunburnt. It was my own fault...

I was basking for it.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlRedux
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
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My wife said I have two faults

1.i don’t listen and 2. Something else she said I don’t know

πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FFFFFFFFFfFFF0
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
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My dad always told me, "Don't be quick to find faults...

Good man, terrible geologist...

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MixedGender
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
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My mom told me the first step towards recovery is admitting your fault

So I asked if that’s why people are admitted to the hospital

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_controler
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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The fault after the earthquake was separating the kitchen from my man cave...

The earthquake caused a rift in my marriage.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
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It wasn't my computer's fault it was me, but the computer just wasn't working for me...

I decided to hit the reset button in "relationship."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/space0watch
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2020
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This is parsley my fault
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Continuum_Gaming
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2018
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You can't fault kid logic

I asked my nephew how old his dad was and he replied "six". I said how can he only be six if you're six?

He said "because he's only been a dad since I was born"

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Glurt
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2016
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I complained to the landlord about having 10 insects in the flat... He said it's the previous tenant's fault.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2019
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What happens when Roger Federer gets a fault?

the Federeral Reserve

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dd0sed
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2019
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Not my fault, just my asphalt.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/isingthedarkness
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2018
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It isn't my fault that earthquakes happen
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hoggitz
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2019
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It's sad when people can't admit their faults.

I totally would if I had any.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MelkorHimself
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2018
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My wife was complaining that I’m too lazy. I told her it’s not my fault.

Laziness walks in my family.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2018
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My therapist told me I’m terrible at admitting my faults.

I am not!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2018
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A man was convicted of murdering another man, he said; β€œIts not my fault,

Han shot first.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SapphireLycanrock
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2018
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When it comes to earthquakes, plate tectonics are at fault.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/perediablo
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2016
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On my way back from Thanksgiving holiday, the flight had to make a slightly hard landing due to the crosswind. Then the flight attendant announces: " Sorry for the slightly bumpy landing. It wasn't the Captain's fault, most definitely not the my fault...

It was the Asphalt."

The whole flight lost it. It was glorious :)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sagarreddit
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2017
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Southwest stewardess just dropped this: "That landing wasn't the pilots fault, it wasn't the first captains fault...."

It was the asphalt".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BooBooDingDing
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2017
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The Fault in Our Stars nailed us with a Dad Joke in the first half an hour.

Augustus Waters to his parents: "Hey guys, this is Hazel Grace."

Hazel: "Hi, it's just Hazel."

Mr. Waters: "Hi, Just Hazel!"

He had this awesome shit-eating/dad joke smile on his face it was perfct.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/badassspaceman
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2014
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It's not my fault...

My family and I were driving to the mountains when my dad says "It's not my fault! Is it your fault? Who's fault was it?" The rest of us look at each other very confused. Then he says, "It's San Andreas Fault" right as we drive by it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kswizzle-izzle
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2014
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that was completely my fault
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πŸ‘€︎ u/himmelojo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2016
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While watching The Fault in Our Stars [spoilers]

There's a scene where the young couple visits the author (played by Willem Dafoe) who turns out to be a real jerk.

At first we thought he was a friend... Turns out he was Dafoe.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/joshlamm
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2016
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Bill Bryson's dad vs the San Andreas Fault

I went and saw author Bill Bryson speak last night and he told us how his dad used to make the most wonderful puns. I'll paraphrase best I can:

They had traveled from Iowa to California on vacation, and they were driving along the coast. They stopped at an informational plaque at the San Andreas Fault, and his dad walked straight up to the huge crack in the ground and threw a quarter in. When the kids asked why he did that, he simply responded "I've always wanted to be generous to a fault."

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2014
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My Dad always told me "Don't be quick to find faults."

He was a good man, but a terrible geologist

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlankPhotos
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2020
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My dad told me β€œDon’t be quick to find faults”

Great man, terrible geologist

πŸ‘︎ 72
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KingJiggaMan
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2020
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My dad always told me, "Don't be quick to find faults"...

Good man, terrible geologist...

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2017
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My wife says I have only two faults

I don't listen to her and something else she was rattling on about.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gauisg
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2019
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My wife says I only have two faults

I don't listen. And something else.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2019
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My dad always told me "don't be quick to find faults."

Good Dad, terrible geologist.

πŸ‘︎ 72
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thewargingned
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2019
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My wife says I say two faults

I don't listen...and something else.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/minyoonghee
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2019
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Whose Fault?

Asphalt!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Geaux_Phish
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2013
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