Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mum only carries one photo......

...... because if you’ve seen Juan you’ve seen Amal

πŸ‘︎ 337
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GrazingGiraffe
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
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As a child, my mum told me I could be whoever I wanted when I grew up...

...turns out that’s called identity theft and is illegal.

πŸ‘︎ 114
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Radish-Emotional
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
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*calls mum * son : I'm in hospital but don't worry everything is fine

Mum : you're the daym doctor and this wasn't funny the first time

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DJonesy007
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
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Mum: I think u need a hearing test dear.

Why would I need a hairy chest?

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/R3nNy22326
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
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I've recently started up a band called "Mum's The Word."

If anyone asks, you've not seen us.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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My mum is terrified of rodents. The other day she saw a mouse and immediately pulled a knife on it.

"Mum!!! You're going to get us kicked out of Disney world. "

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
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I must admit that I married your mum for her looks...

But not the one’s she’s been giving me lately

πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
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My Mum can go far

But my Dad can go father

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LashGips
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
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Mums Advice

'I wish I'd listened to my mother' Why? What did she say? Dunno, I wasn't listening

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AKinkyChap
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
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Gandhi's Mum: How much do you Love me

Gandhi: From the bottom of Mahatma

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kat_nu
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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I was studying for my history exam and really struggling. I asked my mum what I should do...

β€œWhy don’t you help me with the laundry? Its whites today.” She said.

β€œHow will that help?” I asked.

β€œWell I hear whitewashing is good for revising history.”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lukub5
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
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They say opposites attract; so if your mum/mom serious, then your...

Dad jokes!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dantr1x
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
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What do you call a small mum?

Minimum

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Storm-Trick
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
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Baby grass snake says to her mum, am I a poisonous snake?

Mum says no baby.

The baby grass snake says, Thank god for that ive just bitten my toungue.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tiger7971
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
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(Credit to u/Anon8627) My mum said I'm terrible with directions
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Python119
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2020
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My family was doing the dinner dishes together and our mum was washing the dishes in the sink. She asked β€œcould you guys load the dishwasher please?”

So my dad brought her a glass of wine.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mossata
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
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A florist named Chris started a band with 3 of the neighborhood mums. Guess what they called the band?

Chrysanthemums.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/5ir_viver
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
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My friend was telling me the other day that their nan's mum is still alive. She asked me "Do you have a great grandmother?"

I said "Eh, she's alright I guess."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/slatersays22
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
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Friday was roasting saturday and sunday brutally yet they never occurred a word. Wednesday, being a harmonist, asked them why they stayed mum for which they replied, "because we are weakened in front of you guys".

I was dazed.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kaylicious17
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2020
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Mum, dad, I'm gay

Mum: looks at dad

Dad: clenches fist and sweats

Mum: No, don-

Dad: HI GAY I'M DAD

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fm369
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2019
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My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...

Things really boiled over

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Persons1001
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
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My mum was putting away a container of raspberries and remarked that is was leaking

I said "Maybe you should put it in the vegetable drawer"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StefDraws69
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
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So my 8 year old dad joked his mum...

My wife: hey (son's name) I need to sweep the floor, can you please bring me the broom?

My son: OK broomer!

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GrumpyDingo
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2020
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Mum said I would never be able to make a bicycle out of spaghetti

Well I did, and you should’ve seen her face when I rode pasta

πŸ‘︎ 66
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mummifiedllama
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2020
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So, my mum lost a few hair clips...

I eventually found all three of them sitting on the hearth in front of the fireplace.

My dad, being the joker he is, promptly said "There's nothing I can say. In total, three clips on the hearth."

Your humour is amazing, dads

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Squidinator69
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
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My mum's sister does drugs.

She's my Aunt Acid.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DoomRulz
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
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When we were young my mum used dress me and my brother in the same clothes and we hated it.

We could hardly walk.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2020
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My Dad has always been a Fabrication head at a lift company and my mum is a retired nurse..

According to him, their first date was "A Casual tea"..

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PILEoSHEET
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
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Mum: (yells at dad) - Why is there a bloody tennis racquet on the kitchen table??

Dad: Relax love it's serving lunch.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2020
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I left it late to get a gift for my mum for Mother’s Day. Ended up at a petrol station. I bought her some Lorry Oil...

β€˜Cos she’s worth it.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cwwspurs
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2020
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My dad's just messaged me saying my mum noticed her eyebrows have gone today. He drew some rabbits in their place and sent me a photo..

Asking if they look like hares from a distance!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/coolez-nunez
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2020
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What did the Indian guy say to his mum when his mum left the house?

Mumbai

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kr4zyy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2020
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My kid wanted me to buy this poster of Bambi and his mum.

...

but I said it was too deer.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Dyslexic boy asks his mother for a mcdonald’s, she goes only if you can spell it, he then says okay mum I’ll have a kcf
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JackTMJones
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2019
🚨︎ report
I wasn't going to visit my family this summer but Mum promised to make Eggs benedict...

So I went home for the hollandaise

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/B-man44
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Found this conversation between me and my mum in my Facebook memories
πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RiddleInn
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Tea pun-packed poem for my mum's birthday card

It’s been oolong time since my mum was born,

About Six-tea years to date,

Chai as you might, you can’t possible list,

her cupious amazing traits

Her balanced demeanour

Her Kindness and (earl) grace,

rooibost sense of humour,

too many to name in this teany space,

to pekoe out just a few does not do her justice,

let’s not stir things up and cause more of a ruckus,

While this ode may be (chamo)miles away from a Maya Angelou,

It’s just an obnoxious way to say how very matcha I love you.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gurlonreddit
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2019
🚨︎ report
I bought a dog today and my mum asked me β€œWas it the best dog there? Was it A1?”

I replied β€œNo. it was a K 9”

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2019
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I asked my mum, "How much is a couple?"

"2 or 3" she replied.

Probably explains why her marriage collapse

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bot_10
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife insists that she deserves an extra present this Mothers' day since she is the mum of our pet dog.

What a bitch.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tinsilprincess
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
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What should give your mum's mum for breakfast?

Granola

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TurboAxolotl
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2019
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Mum [to dog]: Hey handsome

Dad [from kitchen]: Yeah?

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_The_Mattmatician
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2019
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Phineas mum
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/simoruler
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2019
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When my mum became a vegan, I couldn't recognize her

It's like I've never seen Her-bivore

πŸ‘︎ 66
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2019
🚨︎ report
As a child, my mum told me I could be whoever I wanted when I grew up...

...turns out that’s called identity theft and is illegal.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Radish-Emotional
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Me: Dad, Mum, I’m gay Dad: *clenches fists* Mum: Sweetie no do-

Dad: HI GAY, IM DAD!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MidoriMonki
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2019
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