A list of puns related to "With Mum"
So I packed my things and right
credit to u/Anon8627, upvote him, please!
Chrysanthemums.
Me : I hear itβs snowing where you are?
Mum : your dad says you have good hearing
Her: "This sweater doesn't compliment me does it?"
Me: "Well you should hear what it says behind your back!"
There sadly was no groan, just a blank stare.
Mum and I are driving home on the motorway and the traffic is awful. I call dad to let him know...
"Hey dad, won't be home for a while, still crawling down the M32 at the moment."
"Well, don't you think you'd go faster if you got back in the car?"
Sigh
My mum was so happy that she got a great bargain on pasta from the shop.
So I had to follow up with, yeh you couldnt go pasta deal like that.
insert canned laughter from me
He'd be a motherfucking PI MP
Was driving past a big cemetery when I was younger... Mum: you know all the people living next to it can't be buried there Me: why not Mum: because they aren't dead yet!
I saw a dead animal at the side of the road but I couldn't tell quite what it was because it looked like a brown bushy dog. So, I asked my mum "what was that" and she told me that it was a badger.
After that she then told me "I was gonna say it's dead". Should've really followed through with the joke.
Dad: How did you sleep last night?
Mum: Really badly, I woke up at 1, 3, 5, and 7am.
Dad: That's odd.
Mum - "I've done really well, you know! I've lost 10lbs!"
Dad - "Done well? We can't find it anywhere"
Was watching a travel show about a man walking the river Nile. The guys is talking about the vastness of the river so I turn to my mum and say "It's not that big that big this guy is just in denile". Mum groaned, brother laughed so overall happy with the result!
Why? says my gf. "Because they're past e's". Mum laughed and gf groaned.
We're driving on the French motorway and my mum says: "We're just coming up to payage" Me: "Who's arge?"
Next time she remembered to say 'a payage' to prevent me from repeating it :(
Me: You've heard of Murphy's Law, right?
Mum: Yeah.
Me: What is it?
Mum: It's to do with bad luck.
Me: Cool, have you heard of Cole's Law?
Mum: No. What is it?
Me: It's thinly sliced cabbage
In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy.. He presented with vomit on his sweater already.. Initial testing has revealed it was mums spaghetti
Me: "I've been getting better at biking with no hands"
Mum: "That's a handy skill"
Me: "Actually it's a no handy skill"
Back story... sitting in the garden, social distancing bbq. One of our mates has a baby who was looking for food and such. I came out with a pack of skips crisp. Babyβs mum said βgotta be careful, itβs got salt in itβ,
To my amazement I said β they contain salt!β To which my partner replies... why do u think there so addictiveβ
With out thinking i splutedβ so if I put salt on my dick it will be ad-dick-tive!
No one laughed but me.
They needed another ten minutes
My mum commented" That won't do the chicken any harm"
I responded with...
"It's already dead"
Years ago when my mum was at a hotel with my dad she forgot her swimsuit so she bought one at the hotel shop. She got it put on the bill rather than pay for it there and never checked the price as she assumed it would just be a normal, cheap costume. Turned out it was an Armani one and cost hundreds so my dad 'gave' it to her for the next few Christmases, and when I reminded him of this years later: 'remember that Armani swimsuit?' he replied 'yes, it did cost a lot of Armani' ('our money').....
He wemt to his mum, who was doing work, and asked, "mum, whats the first letter of the alphabet?"
Mum: Shut up and go away!
Kid goes to his dad, who just got a perfect score in darts, and says: Dad, whats the second letter of the alphabet?
Dad: 180!!
Walks to older brother who was playing batman video games: whats the third letter of the alphabet?
Brother: na na na na na na na na BATMAN!
Walks up to younger brother playing with toys: whats the 4th letter of the alphabet?
Brother: driving my little red car.
Kid rolls up to school, ready to recite the first 4 letters of the alphabet.
Teacher: whats the first letter?
Kid: Shut up and go away!!
Teacher: HOW MANY HOURS OF DETENTION DO YOU WANT
Kid: 180!!
Teacher: WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?
Kid: na na na na na na na na BATMAN
Teacher: HOW DO YKU THINK YOULL GET AWAY WITH THIS?!?
Kid: Driving my little red car
talking with parents after a gathering
Mum: I feel bad for John, he's so antisocial.
Dad: Yeah, he's like an eternal flame!
Me: Eternal flame? What?
Dad: He never goes out!
Mum and I burst out laughing while dad grins proudly
...until today when I caught him texting with both his thumbs.
Being the sarcastic smart are son of his, I asked " when did you learn to type with both thumbs?" he smiled and happily replied: "The day I learned I was Ambi'text'rous".
He laughed for about 5 minutes and proceeded on to tell mum and my brother about his funny pun
Good one dad.
My mum was telling my dad about her day, and said "I saw a fox on the way to work this morning." My dad responds with "How do you know it was going to work?"
Mum was out shopping and calling Dad excitedly at some new bedding she'd found. "It's so us, it will help your back, and it looks so so so comfortable. Come on, we've not had new bedding in years. I've chosen this amazing bed, sheets that go perfectly with our room. There's a deal where they throw in extras, like a U shaped pillow and then......."
Dad cut her off mid-flow and shouted "OK! Do it! Let's get it!"
He relayed the conversation back to us and said he was really excited.
Weeks later when the bed finally arrived he stood watching her unwrap the parts. I was just outside the room. He waited for his cue and when she opened the U shaped pillow - boom - he hit it,
"It looks nothing like me!" He shouted.
He turned to me and winked "totally worth it" he grinned at me.
..............β¦
I was confused.
................
He said "when I heard about the U shaped pillow I was so sold on the joke I had to let her buy it all".
Yeah... Nice one dad........
So my parents are trying to sell a house at the moment, but having a bit of trouble with it. Mum and dad were discussing it after dinner tonight, and mum was saying she was angry about how it wasn't selling.
Me: "Angry? You won't like her when she's angry."
Mum: "No actually, not really angry, I'm just upset."
Me: "You won't like her when she's upset!"
Dad: "Watch out! It's the Incredible Sulk!"
I'm going to main event with my friends.
Mom: Don't spend your money on gadgets or do-dads to waste it.
Dad: What about do-mums?
Mom: chokes on gum
Me: I saw the name Evelyn the other day, spelled E-I-B-L-E-A-N-N.
Mum: I always used to think the name Siobhan was pronounced See-Ob-Han too.
Dad: I knew a farmer once with a weird name, it was spelled E-I-E-I-O
Note: MY19 = My 19 year old
Me - Mum and I are going out.
MY19 - what am I going to do?
Me - You can debate with a lot of people.
MY19 - What?
Me - Mass debate.
I was out for a meal with some mates when we were talking about listening skills and I said:
"My mum said I'm a good listener! Atleast I think that's what she said, I wasn't paying much attention"
I burst out crying with laughter as all my friends just stared in disbelief whilst I texted my dad immediately after to apologise, and mention how I may be turning into him.
Every year mum goes to the trouble of putting a christmas joke in everyones bon bon at christmas dinner. After many years finding new ones is becoming more difficult. I ask you, the good people of reddit. Hit me with your best christmas joke.
My dad, step mum and I were watching a nature program. The topic turned to a lake that contained the largest number of wild mussels in the country. Cue conversation:
Dad: "I went to a party there once."
-Skeptical silence-
Dad: "Yeah, I pulled a mussel".
I groaned, step mum rolled her eyes, refusing to acknowledge the joke while dad is cracking up at himself. It took him a good minute to compose himself.
(For those unfamiliar with the slang, in England "to pull" someone means scoring/picking someone up at a bar/club/party or whatever)
EDIT cant spell.
In a conversation about a pub called the Shakespear, my Mum had been with her friend and apparently it's quite nice. My Dad interjects with "I wonder how many people get bard from the Shakespear."
So last night we were at a carnival type thing and there was a food truck there called "town name Bite Me" where we ordered some pizza.
Anyway, I pretended I couldn't see the sign and asked her what it said. She just responded with "Bite me", so that is exactly what I did. I was awarded a couple of weird looks and a colossal eye roll.
Cut to this morning: I got up to find my better half talking to my mum. She was eating some leftover pizza while I walked up behind her, unnoticed. Mum asked where we got the pizza. Once again, she replied "bite me" so like a lion I went for the kill. I got dealt some swift justice for that one.
The other night, my mum and I were sat watching television like any other night. My Dad comes upstairs and begins whispering something over and over. At first I thought he might be looking for something, but he came in to the living room saying the same thing. "ittanight", "ittanight". Until my mom with a puzzled look, asked what he was doing. He looked at us with a devilish grin and says "Just calling ittanight".
I took one of the chocolates without him noticing and placed it upon my head. I then turned to him with a very stern face and said "Dad i need to talk to you about something"
dad: "what son?"
me: "I am actually really afraid for my life"
dad: "what are you talking about?"
me: "i think someone has been payed to kill me"
dad: "what , why?"
me: "I guess you could say someone has" tilting head forward to reveal the chocolate "placed a bounty on my head"
He cried a little with laughter and said he missed having me around (he recently moved country with my mum) because mum dosn't make those kind of jokes. It was a beautiful father son bonding moment.
My dad just cracked this great one
> Mum: You men don't know what it's like going through the menopause
This is when he looks at me and tells me to stop what I'm doing and stand completely still, he leaves me like this for about 5 seconds before going
> Dad: There we've been through the menopause, men are paused.
He walked off chuckling to himself leaving my mum with a face of thunder.
My dad got us good with this one. My dad, mum and I were talking about how we want to go to Ireland on our next family trip, when my dad said:
'Dublin is the biggest city in the world!'
'What are you talking about? No it isn't!'
'Yes it is, it keeps Dublin in size!'
I don't normally laugh at his jokes, but that one got me.
In the car with girlfriend and her parents talking about summer jobs
Me: "You could be a cleaner! How do you go on a vacuum cleaner?"
GF's Mum: "She sucks!"
Me: Slow Claps
Me: "I've been getting better at biking with no hands"
Mum: "That's a handy skill"
Me: "Actually it's a no handy skill"
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