Her: I’m leaving. I am sick of you wearing a different t shirt every half an hour.
My wife said she's leaving me because I spend to much time trying to get reddit points for dad jokes.
I'm sick and tired of people coming into my house, trying to sell me books, and then just marching out and leaving the door wide open.
Were these people born in a Barnes and Noble or something?
What did the spanish boy say to his dad when he was leaving for the city?
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with metaphors...
Came straight out of the blue. Took the wind right out of my sails.
I saw Kate Middleton's sister leaving a plastic surgeon's office the other day, but I can't tell you what work she had done.
That would be a Pippa violation.
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
What did one spice say as the others were leaving?
My wife said "I'm leaving you because you're always pretending to be a transformer"
I said "no wait, I can change."
After seeing Watt leaving the Texans
The team’s power ranking will only get lower.
I'm leaving r/dadjokes...
Hi, leaving r/dadjokes, I'm dad.
Someone vandalized my keyboard leaving only 1 button.
Surprisingly, the police were more thorough in the investigation than I expected. They even asked to see my colon.
Peter Brown the world famous hairdresser told his son, that he's leaving him nothing in his will....
I can't believe he's cutting off his own heir.
My wife is leaving me because I suffer from Alopecia.
My hat told me he was leaving me
When I was leaving home for the first time, my dad said to me, "Don't forget to write."
I thought, "That's unlikely. It's a basic skill, isn't it ?"
He was sentenced to drinking spruce tea or leaving for 6 months because he was teaching the youth how to be passive-aggressive. His disciple Playdoh wrote half a screenplay about him before giving up and finding a real job.
It’s my wife’s birthday soon and she’s been leaving jewelry catalogues all over the house.
So, I've taken the hint...
I got her a magazine rack!
I think my wife is leaving me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions.
Oh well, hind sight is 1.
I'm never leaving a living will.
As soon as my foot falls asleep, my wife's going to declare me brain dead.
What did the guinea pig say to the hamster before leaving work on Friday?
A husband and wife were at a marriage counselor. The wife complained, "he only talks about Star Wars! I've had it. I'm leaving him!" The counselor turned to the husband: "well?"
The husband looked at his wife and said, "divorce is strong with this one."
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said don’t forget your Baghdad.
What did the bull say to his son leaving for university?
People weren't happy with me for leaving the front door at work open overnight.
I walked into a chilly reception.
From the mouths of babes (in this case my seven year old daughter as I was leaving this morning...)
Daughter: Dad, it's really STUPID out there today. You'd better take your dumbrella.
Me: I've never been more proud.
A disgruntled employee of an axe throwing establishment was leaving one-star Yelp reviews
Apparently it was a real hatchet job
What did the Indian say to his mother after leaving Bombay?
When we were leaving the maternity ward the baby pooped himself and the wife said to go in and change him.
So I went inside, put him down, took one of the clean babies, and left.
As I was leaving the vet’s office, he said “Here is the bill..
Sorry, that we were unable to reattach it to your duck.”
I was walking down the street after leaving the pharmacy and noticed a casket was chasing me. Well all I had was a bottle off cough syrup so I threw it at the casket...
...and then the coffin stopped.
What did the pie say to the muffin upon leaving?
Ducks love raw potatoes and will attempt to unearth them with their bill. Enthusiastically mistaking rocks for potatoes can cause damage leaving them...
Wife asked as I was leaving the bathroom if it was free.
Told her it didn't cost anything so far to use it.
This dog won't stop leaving me alone
Messi leaving his team
Seems like a messy situation to be in.
What does a receptionist at a sperm bank say as the client is leaving?
Thanks for cuming and cum again.
I'm absolutely terrible about leaving the toilet seat up, I admit.
But I probably shouldn't have married a blind woman and like to laugh so much.
My wife said she was leaving me because, “I can’t do anything right when it comes to housework.” Selfish woman...
...it took me hours to mop that carpet.
Official song of nun's formally leaving a convent:
Linkin Park's "Breaking the Habit."
What do you call leaving the Vietnam war with a new wife?
There’s a new Apple service for leaving angry reviews.
Potential EU Leaving Names
My wife said I should put the mask on if I'm leaving the house - and so I always do.
But my dog has to be so sick of that stupid movie by now.
What did one house say to the other house when he was leaving?
Finally I can see things far away without leaving the couch
It’s my wife’s birthday soon and she’s been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
She'll be happy to know I got the hint.
I got her a magazine rack!
My hat told me he was leaving me
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