Her: I’m leaving. I am sick of you wearing a different t shirt every half an hour.

Me: Wait. I can change.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife said she's leaving me because I spend to much time trying to get reddit points for dad jokes.

That's karma for ya

πŸ‘︎ 131
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iMakeCrap
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
🚨︎ report
I'm sick and tired of people coming into my house, trying to sell me books, and then just marching out and leaving the door wide open.

Were these people born in a Barnes and Noble or something?

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WhatProtomolecule
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the spanish boy say to his dad when he was leaving for the city?

Ciudad

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fakipo2
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with metaphors...

Came straight out of the blue. Took the wind right out of my sails.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2021
🚨︎ report
I saw Kate Middleton's sister leaving a plastic surgeon's office the other day, but I can't tell you what work she had done.

That would be a Pippa violation.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tvkyle
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2021
🚨︎ report
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.

He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.

πŸ‘︎ 37
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2021
🚨︎ report
What did one spice say as the others were leaving?

Wait, I'm cumin!

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lesbifrands
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife said "I'm leaving you because you're always pretending to be a transformer"

I said "no wait, I can change."

πŸ‘︎ 73
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Taff-Price
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
After seeing Watt leaving the Texans

The team’s power ranking will only get lower.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zkck0517
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
🚨︎ report
I'm leaving r/dadjokes...

Hi, leaving r/dadjokes, I'm dad.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OutcastAtLast
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Someone vandalized my keyboard leaving only 1 button.

Surprisingly, the police were more thorough in the investigation than I expected. They even asked to see my colon.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
Peter Brown the world famous hairdresser told his son, that he's leaving him nothing in his will....

I can't believe he's cutting off his own heir.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife is leaving me because I suffer from Alopecia.

Never mind....Hair loss.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
🚨︎ report
My hat told me he was leaving me

I said go on a head

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
🚨︎ report
When I was leaving home for the first time, my dad said to me, "Don't forget to write."

I thought, "That's unlikely. It's a basic skill, isn't it ?"

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
He was sentenced to drinking spruce tea or leaving for 6 months because he was teaching the youth how to be passive-aggressive. His disciple Playdoh wrote half a screenplay about him before giving up and finding a real job.
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NRGFalcon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
It’s my wife’s birthday soon and she’s been leaving jewelry catalogues all over the house.

So, I've taken the hint...

I got her a magazine rack!

πŸ‘︎ 190
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Daudelin1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I think my wife is leaving me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions.

Oh well, hind sight is 1.

πŸ‘︎ 249
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm never leaving a living will.

As soon as my foot falls asleep, my wife's going to declare me brain dead.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Xi_32
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the guinea pig say to the hamster before leaving work on Friday?

Have a good wheek-end!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chonkin_GuineaPig
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
A husband and wife were at a marriage counselor. The wife complained, "he only talks about Star Wars! I've had it. I'm leaving him!" The counselor turned to the husband: "well?"

The husband looked at his wife and said, "divorce is strong with this one."

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.

I said don’t forget your Baghdad.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/junior_bqx2
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the bull say to his son leaving for university?

β€œBison”

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr-Eegee
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
People weren't happy with me for leaving the front door at work open overnight.

I walked into a chilly reception.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IlltimedYOLO
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
From the mouths of babes (in this case my seven year old daughter as I was leaving this morning...)

Daughter: Dad, it's really STUPID out there today. You'd better take your dumbrella.

Me: I've never been more proud.

πŸ‘︎ 130
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
🚨︎ report
A disgruntled employee of an axe throwing establishment was leaving one-star Yelp reviews

Apparently it was a real hatchet job

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/P8ntballz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the Indian say to his mother after leaving Bombay?

Mum bye.

πŸ‘︎ 87
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
🚨︎ report
When we were leaving the maternity ward the baby pooped himself and the wife said to go in and change him.

So I went inside, put him down, took one of the clean babies, and left.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Valdagast
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Just leaving this here
πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Unsterbbar
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
🚨︎ report
As I was leaving the vet’s office, he said β€œHere is the bill..

Sorry, that we were unable to reattach it to your duck.”

πŸ‘︎ 91
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I was walking down the street after leaving the pharmacy and noticed a casket was chasing me. Well all I had was a bottle off cough syrup so I threw it at the casket...

...and then the coffin stopped.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scamperillium
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the pie say to the muffin upon leaving?

"Good-pie"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Slymood
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Ducks love raw potatoes and will attempt to unearth them with their bill. Enthusiastically mistaking rocks for potatoes can cause damage leaving them...

debillatated

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stroger
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Wife asked as I was leaving the bathroom if it was free.

Told her it didn't cost anything so far to use it.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crobarian
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
🚨︎ report
This dog won't stop leaving me alone
πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tristan_2032
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Messi leaving his team

Seems like a messy situation to be in.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pax_flash
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What does a receptionist at a sperm bank say as the client is leaving?

Thanks for cuming and cum again.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm absolutely terrible about leaving the toilet seat up, I admit.

But I probably shouldn't have married a blind woman and like to laugh so much.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife said she was leaving me because, β€œI can’t do anything right when it comes to housework.” Selfish woman...

...it took me hours to mop that carpet.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Official song of nun's formally leaving a convent:

Linkin Park's "Breaking the Habit."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AndySkibba
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call leaving the Vietnam war with a new wife?

A Nguyen-Nguyen

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/craigislonely
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
🚨︎ report
There’s a new Apple service for leaving angry reviews.

iRate.

πŸ‘︎ 321
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punnygeist
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Potential EU Leaving Names
πŸ‘︎ 159
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nxnjitsu
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife said I should put the mask on if I'm leaving the house - and so I always do.

But my dog has to be so sick of that stupid movie by now.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PotBuzz
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
🚨︎ report
What did one house say to the other house when he was leaving?

Laters homie

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dildo_Swaginns
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Finally I can see things far away without leaving the couch

I got tele-vision

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cybercharlatan
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
🚨︎ report
It’s my wife’s birthday soon and she’s been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.

She'll be happy to know I got the hint. I got her a magazine rack!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
My hat told me he was leaving me

I said go on ahead

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
🚨︎ report

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