What did the buffalo say to its son who was leaving for school?

Bison.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DisconcertedLiberal
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 15 2018
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I was leaving for school and my dad dropped this on me.

Sister: "Watch out for the black ice on the roads!"

Dad: "Don't be prejudice, watch out for white ice, too!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/pronounverbnoun
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 08 2014
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Why did the Easter Bunny have to leave school?

He was eggspelled.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/athensslim
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 21 2019
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We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didnโ€™t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 20
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/communist_scumbag
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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the puppy test

Before you let your kids get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.

Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.

  1. Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
  2. Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wees...poo poos, quickly please
  3. Stuff your pockets with plastic bags and pick up all the poo you can find, obviously not your dogs as you have not bought it yet ??
  4. Start wearing your shoes indoors, especially during muddy times
  5. Collect leaves off the ground and spread them on the floor
  6. Carry sticks and branches indoors and chop them up on your carpet
  7. Pour cold apple juice on the rug and floor....walk barefooted over it in the dark
  8. Drop some chocolate pudding on your carpet in the morning and then try to clean it in the evening
  9. Wear socks to which you have made holes using a blender
  10. Jump out of your favorite chair just before the movie ends and run to open the back door
  11. Cover all your best clothes with dog hair, dark clothes with blond hairs and light clothes with dark hairs
  12. Tip all just ironed clothes on the floor
  13. Make little pin holes in all your furniture, especially chair and table legs
  14. When doing dishes, splash water all over the place and don't wipe it.
  15. Spread toilet paper all over the house when you leave the house and tidy up when you get back home
  16. Forget any impulse holidays and/or breaks
  17. Always go straight home after work or school
  18. Go for walks no matter what the weather, and inspect every dirty paper, chewing gum and dead fly you might find
  19. Stand at your back door at five in the morning shouting, "Bring Mr Bumble and Mr Lion in, its raining.โ€
  20. Wake up at 3am. Place a correct size bag of flour on top of yourself and try to sleep, whilst wiping your face with a dishcloth, which you have left next to your bed in a bowl last week.
    Repeat everyday over 6 months and if you still think getting a puppy sounds like a good idea, Congratulations, you might be ready for your kids to get your puppy.
๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/specklesinc
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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Tom absolutely loves tractors

A little boy named Tom was approaching his 3rd birthday, and absolutely adored the show "Tractor Tom", partially because of his name being spoken, and partially because he loved tractors.

As the day drew nearer, his parents decided to buy him a toy tractor as a gift. The rest of his toys were gone with the wind at this point, as Tom spent all his waking hours playing with this one tractor toy.

Fast forward a few years, and Tom's now approaching his 10th birthday, with his love for tractors intact and intensified. His parents discuss what to get for him, and decide that a ride-on tractor to replace his bike is the best gift they can give him.

Tom absolutely loves the gift, and spends all of his time out of school riding around the neighbourhood while his bike collects dust in the garage.

We come forward a few more years, as Tom approaches his 18th birthday, with an only intensified adoration of tractors. His father pulls him aside on the morning of his birthday, saying "Now son, I know that we've promised you a car, but we know what you really want."

He leads him outside, to a brand new tractor with a bow on it, saying that this is his welcome to adulthood.

Tom is beyond excited, and spends the next few months going everywhere in his tractor - grocery trips, bars, classes, friends' houses.....

Again, a few years later, Tom is driving down a back country road, in the middle of nowhere, with his tractor, in the middle of a storm. The tractor breaks down, and with no air conditioning or any form of modern comforts, Tom is in a miserable mood until someone finally comes past for him to flag down for help. After this, Tom realises that although tractors are fun, maybe they're not the best transport method out there.

Tom ages through a few more years, and finds himself driving down another road in the middle of nowhere in his car, and sees a house on fire just off the road. Being a good samaritan, he pulls over and heads up the driveway to a woman running out of the house screaming "Please, help, help! My baby is trapped in there! Go and call 911, please!"

Tom turns around, then, before leaving, has a brainwave.

He turns back and walks towards the flames, saying "Don't worry, ma'am, I've got this."

He takes a deep breath in, and the fire disappears into nothingness. As you'd expect, the woman is in awe, and asks, "Oh my God, how did you do that?!"

Tom simply responds, "Well you see ma'am, I'm an extractor fan."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Asurarkt
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
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124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I donโ€™t think theyโ€™ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but donโ€™t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

โ€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, โ€˜The good news is..itโ€™ll feel better when it quits hurting.'โ€

Whatโ€™s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

โ€œIโ€™ll call you later!โ€- โ€œPlease donโ€™t do that. Iโ€™ve always asked you to call me Dad!โ€

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

โ€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: โ€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.โ€™โ€

โ€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, โ€˜No, just leave it in the carton!โ€™โ€

I got so angry the other day when I couldnโ€™t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book Iโ€™ve ever read, Iโ€™d say: โ€œWow, thatโ€™s coincidental.โ€

Iโ€™m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build itโ€™s house? Igloos it together.

โ€œMe: โ€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!โ€™ Dad: โ€˜Poof, Youโ€™re a sandwich!โ€™โ€

โ€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

โ€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? Theyโ€™re all girls, otherwise theyโ€™d be uncles.โ€

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth โ€“ its pasteurized before you even see it

โ€œWhatโ€™s Forrest Gumpโ€™s password? 1forrest1โ€

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: โ€œDonโ€™t worry; this is a piece of cake.โ€ I said: โ€œNo, itโ€™s a math problem.โ€

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I donโ€™t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. Iโ€™m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 39
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/weeb123xD
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 19 2019
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A call to all teacher dads!

This isnโ€™t a dad joke, but Iโ€™m recruiting the best of the best.

Iโ€™m a new teacher headed into a middle school science class, and need all the good dad jokes yโ€™all can come up with so I can leave my students blind from all the eye rolling thatโ€™s in store for them.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 21
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/daugarten
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 18 2018
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An Authentic Dad Joke Story From My Dad This Morning

So we are at breakfast and a guy comes in with a old school red leather Michael Jackson jacket zippers and sequins. As we were leaving I walk by him and we said hi.

I said "when you came in I was going to tell you to "beat it". He said "and I would have lol".

Nope he didn't get it. His wife explained. ๐Ÿคฆ๐Ÿปโ€โ™‚๏ธ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TrackBear
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 27 2018
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The Laughing Hoagie

Two high school students named Steve and Josh found themselves broke on a saturday afternoon while strolling around in the city mall. They hadn't eaten lunch and they were getting hungry, but alas, they had no money for food and they were hours away from home.

"I heard there's a place downtown where you can get a sandwich for free" Steve said to Josh.

"That sounds great, let's check it out" Josh replied, and they headed downtown.

They soon found the place. It was a small shop, too small to feel like a real business. The place had no tables or chairs, and not really much furniture at all. An old man stood behind a small counter and eyed them as they entered.

"Welcome to the Laughing Hoagie" he said.

"What is a laughing hoagie?" Josh wondered.

"It's the name of this sandwich place. This is not a regular sandwich shop. We have a special offer here for people who can't afford to pay for their food." the man said as he smiled a toothy smile at them.

"So it's true then," Josh blurted out, "we can get free food here?"

"Not so fast." The old man said. "There is a condition."

"What is it?" Steve wondered aloud.

"Well," the man started "you have to listen to one of my jokes, and the one of you who laughs the most genuine laugh gets a free sandwhich. The other one gets nothing."

As he said this, the old man opened a small refrigerator that stood behind the counter and produced a large, footlong sandwhich with ham, cheese, bacon, lettuce and tomatoes. It was covered in a white dressing and gave off a faint peppery aroma. The boys' mouths started watering at the sight of it.

"What? So only one of us gets a sandwhich?" Steve asked, taken aback.

"Those are the rules," the old man grinned, "if you don't like it, you may leave."

"Nah, we'll hear the joke." Josh said. Steve looked at him, and then nodded to the old man.

"All right." the old man rubbed his hands together as if preparing to dig into a strenuous task.

"What did the mother Buffalo say when her boy left for college?" he asked, and looked expectantly at the teens. They both stared at him with blank expressions.

"Bye Son!" he exclaimed, and struggled not to burst out giggling at his own quip. Josh chuckled a bit, but Steve just frowned.

"That was the worst joke I ever heard!" he exclaimed.

"Well," the old man said as he handed the sandwich over to Josh, "if you don't like jokes with really bad punchlines, then this sub is not for you."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 12
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Fluffigt
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 15 2019
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Frozen Dad joke

I am currently working at an art camp for kids in elementary school. It's mainly girls and they all love frozen. When they behave well do their work we put on music. Today I gave in and tried to put on the sound track but the computer froze so I said "it's frozen... Literally." No laughter and lots of whining. Asked one of my coworkers what to do and he said just leave it alone and don't worry about it. To which I replied "so I should just let it go?." I received a slow clap from my coworkers.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 1k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/shmellooo
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 14 2014
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Puns for Kids

The funniest and shortest puns for kids, you always remember while teaching children puns, try to choose the short ones because they are easy for them to remember and register.

Puns for Kids

Why are teddy bears never hungry? They are always stuffed!


What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie? A pie-thon!


Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll.


What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the court room? Odor in the court!


Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.


Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools.


The streets in the capital of Afghanistan are paved with Kabulstones.


How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? Pleased to eat you.


What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? An egg roll!


No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.


Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasnโ€™t chicken!


What musical is about a train conductor? โ€œMy Fare, Ladyโ€.


A man drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


What animals are on legal documents? Seals!


Why did the lion spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny!


Why did the bumble bee leave the house? It heard the school was having a spelling bee.


Being struck by lightning is really a shocking experience!


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans!


Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!


Dockyard: A physicianโ€™s garden.


What did the angry mother say to the boiling pot of spaghetti? Simmer down!


The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.


โ€œWhatโ€™s purple and 5000 miles long?โ€ โ€œOoh! I know! The Grape Wall of China!โ€


Every calendarโ€™s days are numbered.


This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. โ€œFour bucks,โ€ says the bartender. โ€œPut it on my bill.โ€


I used to be twins. My mother has a picture of me when I was two.


What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch!


When does a well-dressed lion look like a weed? When heโ€™s a dandelion (dandy lion).


Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a-salted.


A bicycle canโ€™t stand on its own because it is

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Punsville
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 25 2017
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My dad asked me if I wanted a Hertz donut...

Back in the 90s, I remember playing some N64 after school when my dad came home from work. He comes into the living room and asks me what's up and, as a teen, I say "nuthin" and keep playing while he just stands there. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see he's looking at me with a stupid grin on his face that's he's trying to suppress poorly. Finally, he asks me to pause the game. I turn to him and he asks "You want a Hertz donut?" I obviously know this joke, but to make it worse, he's already making a fist, ready at his side. I roll my eyes and say "No, I do not want a Hertz donut." He just relaxes his hand and says surprised "Oh, you don't? You sure?" I say I'm sure and he says okay and walks back out to his car, leaving me to return to my GoldenEye. A few seconds later, he comes strolling back in the room, with a box of a dozen donuts in his hand, while he's eating one, with the same stupid grin on his face. On the box of donuts, "Dunkin" has been crudely crossed out and Hertz written beneath it in Sharpie marker. He walks into the kitchen saying "Guess you won't be having these Hertz donuts!" I'm in awe. I follow him into the kitchen and he finally relents and lets me take a donut. I ask him "So, you bought these donuts, and just put this joke together on the way home?" He says he thought of the joke earlier in the day at work and had to buy the donuts for the bit. I start laughing hysterically thinking about him sitting at work itching to leave to pull this off. As we sit there, quietly eating these donuts, he breaks the silence with a mouth full of donut, with "Had to stop at CVS to pick up a Sharpie too." I almost choked on the donut jimmies.

TLDR: Dad offered a Hertz donut, should've taken him up on it.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 41
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/PriestPorridge
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 24 2014
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My friends daughter is now a dad...

As related to me by my friend:

When we're leaving to take her to school-

Daughter: I brought one of the cats with me.

Me: Oh yeah?

Daughter: Yeah. There is one my bookbag.

Me: You should probably get them out of there. They can't like that.

Daughter: Then the cat would be out of the bag. Haha

My daughter- the only 6 year old female "dad"

Edited to fix some grammar/capitalization

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/NiacTD
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 06 2017
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In honor of Fathers Day

In honor of Fathers Day, I'll share my father's two favorite jokes.

As a kid, whenever I would do something good in school, as in pass a test or get a good grade, my father would say "Wow, you're so bright, I should call you sun"

Whenever somebody would be leaving our house, whether it be friends or other family (nobody was safe) his closing line would be "well if I don't see you in the future, I guess I'll see you in the pasture!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/veetoe
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 20 2016
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My earbuds fell in a dogs turd.

So I'm just going to begin this story with myself coming home from school after a long day. My sister after doing everything around the house asked me if I could walk the dog. "Yeah sure! No problem." No problem. So I plug in my headphones and leave to take her for a walk. So I left the house and within 5 minutes my dog had sat down and refused to move until at least 10 people had passed for no real reason. She then proceeded to rear up on her hind legs and drop possibly the biggest crap pattie I had ever seen come out of this dog. Luckily for a change I have bags so no biggie, I pull one out, bend over and suddenly my music gets slightly quieter. Now, after a long day of studying and tests and whatnot I didn't really notice what had happened until I went to stand up and felt the slightest resistance in the cord, I look down only to see my earbud covered in dog crap. I had no choice but to un plug my headphones and abandon them like a wounded soldier in battle. Of corse I come home to see my dad and my sister sitting on the couch talking about their day only to see me walk in looking a bit angry. "Hey what's up with you?" My Sister asks, "Like why do you look so grumpy?" In my mood after this irritating mishap I can only grumble "I dropped my headphones in her turd" I reply, only for my dad to retort with "Hey, how about you stop listening to shitty music for a change!"

I hope you enjoyed the story of my struggle, he said this and all I could think of was posting this.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 56
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/the-dools
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 11 2014
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We were talking about Algebra last night.

We were talking about the use of algebra since leaving school.

Me: "But why do we need to know algebra?!" Him: "Because 'Why' equals something."

With the biggest grin on his face.

Hur hur hur.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 13
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/BlahYourHamster
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 11 2015
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Hey, it looked good on paper

I just got my old boss with this.

My current boss and I were talking about his origami skills, and that the school I work at doesn't have an origami program. My old boss suddenly pops in to say

"It took this long for (department) to figure out we don't have an origami program?"

So naturally I respond with "We did have an origami program, but it folded"

He cringed and laughed and had to leave the office to get away

๐Ÿ‘︎ 24
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/mattreyu
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 03 2016
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I had a workplace win with an excellent pun, and I'm still smiling about it.

[Sorry for the wall of text, I just wanted to share this with you]

Ok, so technically this was before I knew I was a dad at the time, and it happened a long time ago, so I'm paraphrasing it a bit (have to leave out some details. It's work related lol), but I'm really proud of it.

I was having this workplace dispute with this really snively guy who was being a bit of a prick about some work assignment he was really proud of. Long story short, he was worried about someone else taking credit for something and wanted me to talk to our boss about it for him (What does he think I am lol). Anyway, as I'm walking away I hear him coughing. So I turn around, and with this great big smile on my face, I'm like:

"Don't choke on your aspirations, mate."

Anyway, I thought it was a great line. I was smiling all the way back to my office. I don't know why it came to my mind at that moment, but it wasn't long before I'd meet my kids for the first time in years, and it was really great to reconnect with them.

Anyway, my kids are pretty popular (my son's a school teacher, so I don't want to embarrass him in front of the kids), and my daughter would be mortified to hear a dadjoke this terrible great so I'd appreciate if you didn't mention any details about me in the comments (might spoil their evening lol) it was just a nice little moment.

Anyway, just wanted to share the moment with you guys.

D. [To the mods, I know this is a kind of just a pun, but I thought it was worth posting here. I hope you guys understand.]

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/CloakedCorgi
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 19 2016
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Got a couple of maintenance guys at my daughter's school today.

Went to pick up my daughter at school and noticed a rather large beehive in a bush and let the office know. As she and I are leaving, a couple of guys are looking at it and I walk up and say, "What's all the buzzzz....about?" Many groans were heard.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ShaaaaaWing
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 03 2015
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I have been dadjoking since I can remember, preparing for the day I'm a dad, but I just got dadjoked by wife

My wife leaves a ton of hairs in the bathtub and forgets to pick them up. I call her on it.

Her: "well, you're in the bathroom now, pick them up."

Me: "no. You always do it. It's the principal of it."

Her: "no it's not the principal 'cause they haven't gone to school."

เฒ _เฒ  i couldn't stoo laughing for about 5 minutes.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Toastyparty
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 14 2014
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Overheard dadjoke at the checkout

A dad's in front of me with his teenage daughter buying school supplies. Goes to tap to pay and notices a sign "VISA does not tap."

Imgur

Dad, loudly: "So, VISA does not tap, eh? VISA will salsa but it refuses to tap!"

Girl, obviously used to this: "Dad!"

Can still hear the dad as they leave, "Do you think VISA would do the merengue?"

Asked to take a photo of the sign and saw a knowing look on the teen clerk's face. I think he knew where this was going...

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/robotropolis
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 28 2014
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Helped my Dad dad-joke my sister

(She recently started track in school)

Sis: Is it okay if I leave something from my backpack in your car?

Dad: Yeah why wouldn't it be?

Sis: Well it's my sports bra.

Dad: Oh don't worry. You have a meet today and I was planning on wearing it--

Me: --To help support.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/craycraycraig
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 19 2014
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didnโ€™t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 77
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Josvys
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
more dad jokes

The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton!"

5/4 of people admit that theyโ€™re bad with fractions.

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"

What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.

What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run.

The rotation of earth really makes my day.

I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

Iโ€™ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.

A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I donโ€™t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. Iโ€™m just doing it for kicks.

People donโ€™t like having to bend over to get their drinks. We really need to raise the bar.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/weeb123xD
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 19 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Just say meow.

How my dad used to wake us up. I can't wait to torture my kids this way.

Dad: wake up, its time for school!

Me: 5 more minutes.

Dad: oh you want a cat nap? Say 'meow'

Me: nooooo ughhh

Dad: I'm not Noah? But didn't he build an ark?

Me: dad go away!

Dad: but I already know what I weigh.

Me: dad pleaaase

Dad: police? Where?!

Me: dad leave me alone!

Dad: a loan? Okay how much do you need?

Me: dad stop!

Dad: just say meow.

Me: meow

๐Ÿ‘︎ 112
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 07 2014
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Two of my Dads favourite jokes to annoy my younger brothers

When getting ready to leave the house:

"Dad can you put my shoes on?"

"They won't fit me"

And upon picking them up from school:

"How was Doris today"

"Dad, there is no one at school called Doris"

"Oh was she sick today?"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 12
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/bakelywood
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 18 2013
๐Ÿšจ︎ report

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