A list of puns related to "Leaving Food"
I needed to run to Home Depot just a little while ago, and my eight year old son has been driving my wife insane, so he was sent with me. He asked a hundred questions about what tool does what and why I needed this or that. Despite my distracted supervision, he surely mixed up several loose nuts and bolts.
At the exit of the self checkout line, there's a massive gumball machine that holds massive gumballs. I rarely carry change, so he's out of luck.
Sonny Boy: Dad, can I have a quarter?
Me (checking out): Nope. Don't have one.
Sonny Boy: You don't have any cents?
Me: If I had any cents, I'd have left you at home tonight.
No, he didn't get it, and I'm shocked he set it up so well by saying cents. But, the dude in the line next to me let out a solid guffaw. We made the satisfying, knowing eye contact of two dad joke aficionados. I'm glad someone else heard it.
As they sat at their table, taking photos of their food for social media, one of the photographers realized he hadn't been given water. He approached the bar and asked for a glassful, with which the bartender obliged. Rather than immediately leaving, he stood there and stared at the bartender for a moment before returning to his seat.
Soon enough, he found himself thirsty again, and took another trip to the bar, and once again stared at the bartender. This happened again and again throughout the night, with the bartender becoming progressively more frustrated by the photographers persistent requests for glasses of water and uncomfortable stares. Finally, on the photographers fifteenth trip, the bartender loses his cool and yells, "Take a pitcher, it'll last longer!"
Great food, no atmosphere.
The dad splits up from the boys in the morning, leaving them the task of getting food for the day.
The boys chance upon a patch full of peas - they have enough for all three meals and to pelt each other with.
Reuniting at the end of the day, the dad asks how it went.
“We played with each other’s peas!” The little one chimes in.
Just a little displeased, dad asks him sternly to clarify.
“We gathered peas, he meant.” Added the middle boy.
“Okay, and what did you have for breakfast?”
“Pea soup.”
“Lunch?”
“Pea soup.”
The boys started sniggering.
“What’s so funny? And what about dinner?”
“Nothing dad. We had pea soup too.”
“Well, that doesn’t seem like much. What did you do all evening?”
Bursting out laughing, they all said:
“Pee soup.”
...Thank you for visiting the two-wheeled, self-balancing personal transporter museum today; I hope you had a good time. Speaking of good times, check out the food court and gift shop before you leave.
Me: That's a Segway
Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.
What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.
Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.
“Every time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, ‘The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
“I’ll call you later!”- “Please don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”
Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!
What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.
This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.
“My dad literally told me this one last week: ‘Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”
“Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, ‘No, just leave it in the carton!’”
I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.
If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: “Wow, that’s coincidental.”
I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.
“Me: ‘Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: ‘Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”
“I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there
A steak pun is a rare medium well done.
“How can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”
Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it
“What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”
The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.
I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: “Don’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: “No, it’s a math problem.”
I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.
I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
... keep reading on reddit ➡To give a little background: My dad was a truck driver at the time, and he never saw something on the side of the road or that had a "free" sign on it that he could drive by without at least taking a look. My brother in law was a sheriff's deputy. He told this joke to my neighbor, I will try to do it justice.
My dad, his dispatcher(DIS), and lady neighbor(LN) are outside talking and it goes something like this:
Dad: Ugh, What a f--king week. I can not believe it.
LN: What happened?
Dad: I was in Georgia and I saw this cooler in the far corner of the rest area, just as you're about to leave. I looked around and I didn't see anyone... So I figured someone had forgotten it on their picnic... It was a nice ass cooler too. Igloo brand with the heavy duty wheels. It was beautiful.
LN: Let me guess, you took it and the food that was in it?
Dad: Oh god I wish, It was a nice cooler. So, I go over and I'm still looking around in case the owners are still there. So I get to the cooler and I'm thinking "jackpot." The outside looks amazing. So, I go to open it up to see if whatever is inside is salvageable or if i needed to throw it out. I open it up and I jumped back and screamed.
LN: What was in it?
Dad: FEET. HUMAN FEET. I'm thinking what the hell did I just stu...
LN: NU-UH, ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!?!
Dad: YES I'M SERIOUS.. So by this time, I'm seriously freaking out and I have no clue what to do. I nearly passed the f--k out. I had no idea what I should do.
LN: (with her hands over her mouth in horror) OMG, WHAT DID YOU DO?
Dad: Well, you know my son-in-law is a police officer in Florida..
LN: mmhmm
Dad: Well, I didn't know what to do so I called him.
LN: What did he tell you to do?!
Dad: Call a tow truck.
LN: ....what?
Dad: Get it, toe truck?!
LN: YOU'RE SUCH AN ASS. OMG I HATE YOU.
DIS: Oh, look at that, M*****, I just got word from the office that you're up for this month's random drug test.
Edit: Formatting errors, sorry guys!
In the version they're doing, the bass section plays a bit at the start, then just sits there til the final part of the last movement. So, they decide to leave the concert and go out for drinks.
While at the bar down the street, they meet a European nobleman, and they become good friends. Unfortunately, the guy had been gorging himself on crappy bar food, and he quickly falls into a food coma.
One of the basses drunkenly checks his watch and says, "crap! We're not going to get back on stage in time!" As they're sprinting back, one of them says, "actually, I thought this would happen, so I tied some of the pages of the conductor's score together - that way, he'll have to slow the tempo way down with his right hand while undoes the knots with his left!"
And so they get back just in time to finish the Symphony, and the audience is none the wiser. The conductor, however, was furious.
After all, they'd left him at the bottom of the 9th, with the score tied, while the basses were loaded, and the Count was full.
If your onion sang hip-hop, would that be a rapscallion?
I used to be an astronaut, but I got tired of eating out of satellite dishes. I wasn't allowed to eat the Milky Way, even though I had to look at it every day. The worst thing was, I never got to visit The Space Bar. Then, when I was visiting the dark side of the moon, I was bitten by a parasite. Now, you might think it's crazy, but the doctor who removed it called it a lunar-tick.
If "womb" is pronounced "woom" and "tomb" is pronounced "toom", shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced "boom"?
China recently tested a new steroid. It basically turns you into The Hulk. The side effect is it could turn you into a crazed zombie that tends to rip the upper extremities from people. People are saying that this could be the zombie apocalypse. In my opinion, lips have nothing to do with it. I call it ARMageddon. The only way to stay safe now is to not let anyone close enough to disarm you.
I recently was going to join the railroad union. I decided against it because it's complicated. If I received instruction on driving the locomotive, would they call it engineering, or training?
I got a sad story about a flower. I don't know who the heck she pissed off, but damn, now she's a Black-Eyed Susan.
I finally figured out what makes leaves angry. Fall. They get so mad they change color. Some are yellow. They're just afraid and run from their problems. The other ones usually just leave.
I went parachuting with my military buddies once. We landed on a department store. I told him I think we're at the wrong coordinates. He said: "Nope. We're right on Target"
I asked a psychologist if Native Americans have strong emotions. He said "Oh yeah, they're intense".
If a psychotic person thought something made sense, would that thought be psychological?
If Matt Damon were searching for a secondhand store, would he be Goodwill Hunting?
My friend is a Marksman for the military. One day, he went to the armory and asked for 3 snipers. They gave him a candy bar. It was a 3 Musketeers.
I want to be there if Dwayne Johnson ever uses a pizza stone. That way I can smell what "The Rock" is cookin'.
Christopher bought a lemon, and the car broke down. Now Christopher Walken.
Have you heard about the latest bank battle on Wall Street? Capital One and Chase got in a fight and Capital One.
You know what a pirate says to his wenches when he sees the shoreline? "LAND HO!"
A man finds a lamp in the desert and dusts it off. Poof! A genie p
... keep reading on reddit ➡And a guy ordered a medium rare sirloin for lunch. Once everyone got their food, I gave them a few minutes to dig in, and then went to check how they all were doing. Here's how it went.
Me: Hi guys, is everyone still doing well over here? (Pause to turn to the guy with the steak)...Or should I say medium rare ehh?? finger guns and chuckles
Guys: silence. Complete silence
Me: cracks up at my own stupid joke and walks away with no shame, leaving them in awe of my greatness
My family/town has socially alienated me for my sexuality. This has lead to quite a couple of problems, as you could imagine.
I've been behind on my taxes for quite a bit and it was only a matter of time before the government found out. They've been having a field day confiscating all my belongings.
That leaves me on the street.
I make enough money panhandling and doing under the table stuff to get me food every day and even enough to pay for an unlimited data plan, which I'm using to write this.
I need support. I can't continue on like this.
Life's not easy.
Especially if you're a homelessexual like me.
Two high school students named Steve and Josh found themselves broke on a saturday afternoon while strolling around in the city mall. They hadn't eaten lunch and they were getting hungry, but alas, they had no money for food and they were hours away from home.
"I heard there's a place downtown where you can get a sandwich for free" Steve said to Josh.
"That sounds great, let's check it out" Josh replied, and they headed downtown.
They soon found the place. It was a small shop, too small to feel like a real business. The place had no tables or chairs, and not really much furniture at all. An old man stood behind a small counter and eyed them as they entered.
"Welcome to the Laughing Hoagie" he said.
"What is a laughing hoagie?" Josh wondered.
"It's the name of this sandwich place. This is not a regular sandwich shop. We have a special offer here for people who can't afford to pay for their food." the man said as he smiled a toothy smile at them.
"So it's true then," Josh blurted out, "we can get free food here?"
"Not so fast." The old man said. "There is a condition."
"What is it?" Steve wondered aloud.
"Well," the man started "you have to listen to one of my jokes, and the one of you who laughs the most genuine laugh gets a free sandwhich. The other one gets nothing."
As he said this, the old man opened a small refrigerator that stood behind the counter and produced a large, footlong sandwhich with ham, cheese, bacon, lettuce and tomatoes. It was covered in a white dressing and gave off a faint peppery aroma. The boys' mouths started watering at the sight of it.
"What? So only one of us gets a sandwhich?" Steve asked, taken aback.
"Those are the rules," the old man grinned, "if you don't like it, you may leave."
"Nah, we'll hear the joke." Josh said. Steve looked at him, and then nodded to the old man.
"All right." the old man rubbed his hands together as if preparing to dig into a strenuous task.
"What did the mother Buffalo say when her boy left for college?" he asked, and looked expectantly at the teens. They both stared at him with blank expressions.
"Bye Son!" he exclaimed, and struggled not to burst out giggling at his own quip. Josh chuckled a bit, but Steve just frowned.
"That was the worst joke I ever heard!" he exclaimed.
"Well," the old man said as he handed the sandwich over to Josh, "if you don't like jokes with really bad punchlines, then this sub is not for you."
Three guys walk into a pink hotel, they go threw a pink door, it's the pink reception desk and sign into the pink book. The lady dressed in pink walks them up the pink stairs, down a pink hall then gives them the pink keys to their pink rooms. They all walk into their pink room, put their suitcases down on the pink carpet, then place their clothes in a pink cupboard. They have a bath in their pink shower and dry themselves with the pink towels. They finally go to sleep in the pink beds. They wake in the morning and go downstairs to have breakfast. They have their pink bowls, pink cups and pink cutlery. When they are asked what they want for breakfast one man says he will have weatbix and the other two say they want cornflakes. Once they are finished their food, they pack their suitcases up and leave the pink hotel. The moral of this story is that two out of three people prefer cornflakes...
A friend called as I was walking out the door this morning and said she found out yesterday afternoon that she has breast cancer. She knows when I leave and timed it that way because she couldn't handle a long conversation. Bread dipped in Karo is her big comfort food, so I am wanting to pick some up with a loaf of bread and leave it along with a note by her door. I want the note to be happy/upbeat and figured what's better than a one line pun. Problem is, I am stuck. (see what I did there?)
Credit to u/echonight . This is a cross post from r/askreddit
There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to get off his lazy behind and go get them some food. After some protest, the lazy brother takes the car and leaves for the store. In the meantime, the dentist takes a nap on his day off. He turns off his phone so he won't be interrupted.
About 30 minutes later, the lazy brother gets into a head-on collision in the intersection by the grocery store. His vital signs are fading; he's unconscious and barely moving. An ambulance picks him up and rushes him to the hospital. He ends up in the Emergency Room under observation, but his condition is critical. They try calling his dentist brother, but he doesn't pick up because his phone is off.
The dentist wakes to a knock on the door. Suspecting a solicitor, he ignores it, but the knocking continues. Eventually, he resolves to get up and yell at the person at the door. When he does, he reveals--- the grim reaper. He is just as he appears in movies; a full skeleton underneath a tattered cloak.
The grim reaper swears. "Oh no! This always happens with identical twins".
"What do you mean?" asks the dentist.
"Well... if you must know, your brother was in a critical car accident, and I've come to take him to the underworld. I'm afraid his time on Earth has ended. I'll take my leave now."
The dentist is noticeably upset. He says "Wait! Isn't there some way I can challenge you for my brother's life? After all, YOU made the mistake. Certainly there must be a way I can bargain for his life."
The grim reaper asks "What do you have in mind?"
The dentist thinks. "How about a challenge? If I beat you, you let my brother go free."
The grim reaper laughs. "I will beat you in any challenge. What challenge do you propose?"
The dentist smiles. "I propose we see who has the cleanest teeth. 5 minute of brushing each, then we decide."
"Very well" says the grim reaper, who makes his way to the bathroom.
Once there, he pulls back his tattered cloak to reveal his skull. It's glistening. He takes a toothbrush from the bathroom, loads it with toothpaste, and brushes. After 5 minutes, the shiniest teeth anyone has ever seen glisten and make the room bright. The grim reaper gr
... keep reading on reddit ➡I saw a white, fluffy thing swinging through my local cake shop. Suspect it was a meringue-utang.
I was out driving the other day and I spotted two packets of cheese & onion crisps walking down the road. I said, “Do you want a lift”. “No thanks”, they replied, “We’re Walkers”.
I was in a cake shop the other day, they were all £5 apart from one that was £10. I asked why it was so expensive, the shop owner said “that’s maderia cake”.
Bought some cream, it said “store in a cool place”. So I left it in the Doctor Who studios.
Local ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
I used to love doughnuts, but I got bored of the whole thing.
A man says “I keep finding custard in one ear, and jelly in the other”. The doctor says “I’m afraid you are a trifle deaf”.
I bought a waffle iron the other day. Get really annoyed with wrinkled waffles.
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden
What do they call a man who abandoned his diet? DESSERTER.
Ice cream is exquisite… –what a pity it isn’t illegal.
The optimist sees the doughnut, the pessimist sees the hole, and the realist sees the calories.
Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adam’s banana.
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it’s been sliced.
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
A birthday greeting: For someone special as you, only ANGELFOOD would do. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Did you hear there are two suspects in Two Ton Charley’s death? BEN and JERRY.
Don’t eat too much fudge, or else you will have so much pudge you won’t be able to budge.
You know you’re a mom if… Popsicles have become a staple food.
Mexican candy makes my taste buds say “OLE!”
FORGET LOVE… I’
... keep reading on reddit ➡John the Baptist of Biblical fame used to walk through the desert in his bare feet. This left his feet tough, which is understandable- the hot sand and rough terrain would leave anyone's feet tough. He was known to receive signs from God and occasionally perform mystical feats. He subsisted on a diet of locusts and honey. Without access to dental hygiene at the time, this left him with somewhat bad breath. It also left him frail, as the diet wasn't varied and would have required an immense intake of food to be remotely sustained.
I guess that you could say that he was a super-callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
Family: eating food
Brother and Sister arguing about who sits where
Me: Hey, both of you shut the fork up!
Dad looks at me proudly and smiles
Dad: Hey, that wasn't very knife
laughs and smiles at him
Me: What, too spoon?
mom just sighs and leaves the table and brother and sister stop the arguing
We're leaving town for the weekend and I put out food and water for the cats.
Me to wife: "I already fed and watered the cats"
Her: "maybe they'll bear fruit this year."
Wife: something about being hungry enough to eat her hand.
Me: So, you want finger foods?
As we're leaving the department store I point to the mannequins, "Psh, working stiffs"
She cracks up. Made me smile.
Be courteous to the DeDutch waitstaff (and to yourself) this holiday season by leaving your dads at home before dining at DeDutch. Following is just a small sample of jokes that your dad WILL make after ordering his DeBratwurst from DeLunch menu on his DeClub card.
The waitstaff will pretend to laugh every time. But secretly they die inside a little every time.
It's really quite DeSpicable.
Four of us ordered meals and then went to sit down leaving my dad to bring the food.
Wendy's employee: "Y'all enjoy"
My Dad says: "I will, but it's gonna be tough to eat all this food"
She just stared speechless at him
Out to dinner with my dad and I'm complaining to him about my roommate and how she is telling me what to do.
Me: She keeps telling me what to do. She told me that if I leave my food out for more than an hour i'll get ants.
Dad: What you should say to her to shut her up and confuse her is to tell her "No, I'm just going to get uncles."
Dad: Don't leave food in your car.
Me: I checked. No food. Not even a picnic basket. I wonder if insurance would cover bear attacks?
Dad: I checked, you have bear minimum insurance lol
So my 7 month old daughter (who is breastfed) is sitting with her mother and patting and laying her head on her mother's boobs, so then i look over and say "baby girl, didn't your mother ever teach you not to play with your food?" Needles to say, face palms all around. I'll take my leave now......
A panda walks into a bar, orders his food, eats it, but when the waiter comes to bring him his check, he pulls out a gun, shoots him, and walks out the door. The next day the panda does the same thing, same bar. The third day the manager is standing at the entrance and says, "What are you doing here? You shot two of my waiters! I'm gonna call the cops on you!" The panda says, "No wait! I just did what I'm supposed to!" The manager looks at him like WTF? But the panda says, "No listen." So he pulls out a dictionary, and it says, "Panda: Eats, shoots, and leaves."
We ordered for our food and we asked for extra plates for our two kids. The waitress leaves and comes back with four little plates and sets them down on the table. In the most enthusiastic voice, my husband gives a thumbs up and says "Thanks! These look delicious!"
At a local indian food buffet. We've been there a few times, but today the food is a little better. I compliment the food to the waiter and he tells me they're trying new things and aside from a few main dishes, every day will be different. He's really pushing us to come back the next day because the next day will feature lots of goat dishes. As soon as he leaves, i tell everyone.
"You know what really gets my goat? A guy who wants me to get his goat."
BONUS: They were out of bread and when I asked why I didn't bring anyback to the table, I said there was NAAN.
My mom, brother, dad and I were making the food for the dinner. When one of my nephews says "I'm hungry!" My dad and I both had a twinkle in our eyes, so I turn around, and with the most amount of sarcasm I could muster, I said: "Hi hungry, I'm jesusdo." My wife heard me in the living room, and said "oh leave the poor creature alone." My nephew said "I'm serious!" Then my dad said "but I thought that you were hungry a second ago."
Edit: added my dad's response.
First I should preface that the restaurant we went to had a sucker with every meal. They also had a plate of pickles for appetizers. So naturally we got some pickles and fries for appetizers and I ordered some beer battered fish sticks for my main meal. But for some reason the main course came out before the appetizers, so there was some debate as to whether or not they should even bring out the appetizers.
Me: "Sounds like we're in a bit of a pickle."
Others: Groans.
Meal continues and naturally people are curious how everybody's food is.
Friend: "Tabbou, how is your food?"
Me: "I don't know... It takes kinda... fishy..."
Friend: "Tabbouuuuu..."
Finally, as we're getting out our chairs to leave, my friend holds up her sucker and asks, "Does anybody want this?"
Me: "Yeah, I'm a real sucker for them."
Friend: "Tabou, stop."
Other random customers sitting near us, "Hey, you're a sucker for these? Take ours!"
I scored four suckers tonight.
Her: All ready gassed up and ready to leave. I'm ready to be home.
Me: Did you eat Mexican food?
Her: Lol Shut up! You know what I meant!
*note: This is a direct quote. Grammar is not one of her strong suits.
I work as a manager at a fast food restaurant. Come closing time last night, one of my employees walks up to me and says "Hey, I'm going to fix some food before I leave, is that ok?"
"Fix some food? Who broke it?"
"What?"
"Well, if you're fixing it, somebody had to break it, right?"
She just groaned, rolled her eyes, and walked away.
An employee walks up and asks him if he needs any help. Dad responds with "Unless you're going to pack the stuff at home away for me, not really!" The employee lets him know that the best container is the dumpster. "If you haven't used it in a year and don't miss it, throw it away." Dad looks to his fiance and says, "Evan! All he does is show up for breaks, drink my beer and eat my food, and then leaves! He was gone all last year and I didn't miss him!"
I am Evan.
At a birthday party and a girl was leaving. As she was saying goodbye she said "I have to go get food for the week."
A dad at the party looks at her, "why can't the week get its own food?"
When I was younger and I would leave the dinner table to go do something, I would ask my dad to "watch my food" (because our dogs would eat the food if they had a chance). My dad always replied with "why is it gonna do tricks?"
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