A lad asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled L.S.D.?"

Granny replied, "Never mind the pills. Have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
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Granny [OC]
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thejustducky1
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
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When I tried to admit new evidence to the trial, the judge threw a Granny Smith at me...

I then remembered it's an apple-late court.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
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Granny Sith
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πŸ‘€︎ u/suitology
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2020
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heartwarming grannies
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cinaeda
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2019
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Granny Smith and her Crab Apple
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kidkyler
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2019
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What did the dessert say to the Granny Smith tree?

You’re the apple of my pie.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/segfaulting_again
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
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My poor old granny was mugged outside the Bingo hall.

She was B 10 and robbed.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2019
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Granny was reading a recipe out loud; 1 cup sugar, 1 cup sugar, 2 eggs separated...

My dad chimes in: why can't they be happily married?

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Gnome
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2017
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Granny: I've got an appointment with the memory specialist on Thursday

Dad: "Better not forget about it then!" (laughs a bit too much)

Granny: "Ha"

Me: facepalms

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sweatyface
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2016
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Granny's Problem

Old Granny went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation.

"It's terrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a week."

"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.

"Naturally," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a half-hour in the morning and again at night."

"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"

"Naturally," she answered, "I take a book.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Minneopa
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2015
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Just got this one from my 90 year old grandma: when does a joke become a dad joke?

... when it is full groan!

(Glad she still has her sense of humor at her age; gives me hope for my future!)

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Row199
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
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My nan died in a freak bulldozer accident during the building of my new house.

I only wanted one granny flat :(

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ijbgtrdzaq
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,

β€œYou know, one would have been enough.”

πŸ‘︎ 32k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2018
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Avengers: Infiknity War [OC]
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pununciation
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2019
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My mother's mother lost her false teeth at the retirement home. We searched the place everywhere but couldn't find them.

We looked in every nook and granny!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2020
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Why dose Will Smith like green apples?

Because it reminds him of his Granny Smith.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/True_Twisted
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2019
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The F word

Me: did you just fucking fart Dad: DONT YOU ARE USE THE F WORD WITH ME. MY GRANNY BEAT ME WHEN I SAID THE WORD FART. Jeez, fucking kids.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/What_am_I_guy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2019
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My grandma has this crazy idea about an apple that’s sour and way better than any other apple.

But we just call that Granny’s myth.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Plumsby
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2019
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I got fired from the bank today... and don't even know why. =/

This granny comes to me and say: "Son, can you check my balance?"

I said: "Sure."

And pushed her over.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Capetoider
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2018
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My dad on a large file his colleague sent him

His colleague sent him a file that was 504mb, so my dad said it might take a while to download (they were on the phone). His colleague said "nah it won't be so bad right, you have an Apple too right?" My dad responded "yeah but it's an old apple, a granny smith". He was very pleased with himself

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotJustSamOne
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2016
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Hey. Can u please pass the β€œUpdoc” ?

What’s up doc?

The best child friendly joke ever.

If you haven’t used it, do this Christmas Day and I guarantee u will get laughs as Granny repeats.

What the fuck is up doc? What’s so funny? You bastards!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/feckthis
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2017
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So I told my dad i was applying for nursing school...

Dad: I'm sure you 'll make a great farmer Me:i said nursing Dad: oh. Either way I'm sure you'll be out standing in your field. Me... Thanks dad

πŸ‘︎ 132
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πŸ‘€︎ u/akumite
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2014
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I labeled the four 'claws' on my car's jumper cables

One on each of the two positive and two negative ends:

Jed. Jethro. Granny. Ellie Mae.

("the Clamp-its.")

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gone4011s
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2015
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Sunday Morning Sex

Dad sent this yesterday. Ouch.

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/time2change76
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2013
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Pulled this one at dinner

Backstory: We have some family members who are muslims, so they have to do their trip to Mecca and would travel around the arabic world as well, and well we where talking about them at dinner today.

Cousin asking our grandmother: "So how was their trip?"

Me jumping in before granny can answer: "Dusty"

rolling eyes around the table

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hitno
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2015
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