People said she was weird, but you always knew where you stood with her.
G : what type of apples grow on trees ?
my dumbass : idk red and green ?
G : all of them do
wheezes
Granny replied, "Never mind the pills. Have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?"
I then remembered it's an apple-late court.
You can only 'Ran' because it's past tents.
... when it is full groan!
(Glad she still has her sense of humor at her age; gives me hope for my future!)
“You know, one would have been enough.”
You’re the apple of my pie.
She was B 10 and robbed.
My dad chimes in: why can't they be happily married?
I only wanted one granny flat :(
Dad: "Better not forget about it then!" (laughs a bit too much)
Granny: "Ha"
Me: facepalms
Old Granny went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation.
"It's terrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a week."
"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.
"Naturally," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a half-hour in the morning and again at night."
"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"
"Naturally," she answered, "I take a book.
We looked in every nook and granny!
Because it reminds him of his Granny Smith.
Me: did you just fucking fart Dad: DONT YOU ARE USE THE F WORD WITH ME. MY GRANNY BEAT ME WHEN I SAID THE WORD FART. Jeez, fucking kids.
But we just call that Granny’s myth.
This granny comes to me and say: "Son, can you check my balance?"
I said: "Sure."
And pushed her over.
Dad: I'm sure you 'll make a great farmer Me:i said nursing Dad: oh. Either way I'm sure you'll be out standing in your field. Me... Thanks dad
His colleague sent him a file that was 504mb, so my dad said it might take a while to download (they were on the phone). His colleague said "nah it won't be so bad right, you have an Apple too right?" My dad responded "yeah but it's an old apple, a granny smith". He was very pleased with himself
What’s up doc?
The best child friendly joke ever.
If you haven’t used it, do this Christmas Day and I guarantee u will get laughs as Granny repeats.
What the fuck is up doc? What’s so funny? You bastards!
One on each of the two positive and two negative ends:
Jed. Jethro. Granny. Ellie Mae.
("the Clamp-its.")
Dad sent this yesterday. Ouch.
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
Backstory: We have some family members who are muslims, so they have to do their trip to Mecca and would travel around the arabic world as well, and well we where talking about them at dinner today.
Cousin asking our grandmother: "So how was their trip?"
Me jumping in before granny can answer: "Dusty"
rolling eyes around the table
