A magic tractor drove down the road ...

and turned into a field!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2021
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I drove around Lake Superior last Fall...

It had me fondly thinking back to the time years ago when my friend Mitchell and I toured four of the five Great Lakes one summer.

I wonder if I’ll ever see Mitch again?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/worldrider1
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
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A little story of a dadjoke that drove my wife crazy

When we were Christmas shopping for our kids, we went to target. After walking around for a while I got bored and eventually found a bouncy ball. It was a small inflatable basketball about tennis ball sized and being inflated instead of solid rubber, it made a louder noise when it hit the ground.

We were walking around and I was bouncing the ball. My wife got visibly irritated at the constant noise following her around and told me to please put it down. I bounced it again and said "I'm trying, but every time I do, it comes back up into my hand"

Que the groan.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Piratey_Pirate
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
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Why did the art thief’s van run out of gas as he drove away from the museum?

Because he had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh

πŸ‘︎ 99
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OwenJthomas89
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
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What kind of flower do you have if everyone in the country drove a pink car?

A pink carnation

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Altar-83
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
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My friend called me in a panic and shouted, β€œAn evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don’t know what to do!” Frantically, I drove all the way to his house only to find out...

...he’s really a big lyre.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/flamingkitten101
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2020
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My father and were in the car and drove passed a cemetery.

Dad: How many dead people are in there?

Me: I have no idea

Dad: Hopefully all of them are.

Lame, I know, but this actually happened to me when I was 12

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pork85
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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A dad and son drove by a golf course next to a few houses the son asked β€œwhat happens if the ball lands in the house”

The dad said β€œit’s a home-in-one”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/isaiah2rod
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I really wanted to be there for the birth of my child. I drove like an idiot and almost got into an accident. But when I reached the hospital, I found out it was all for nothing.

I was dad on arrival.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/busterpkeaton
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
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I just drove my new car out of the lot only to find the reverse gear broken.

There’s no going back now.

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
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So my wife and I were driving through Pennsylvania today and drove by a place called Fort Necessity.

I looked at her and said β€œI’m trying very hard, but I don’t feel the need to go there”.

She didn’t say much to me the rest of our trip.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jbrogart17
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
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"I was teaching my son colours while I drove him to school."

"Primary?"
"No, he's in college."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
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This is by far the best pun of the day , the journalist really drove the message home!
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fair_SOTS
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2017
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100 years ago everyone owned horses and only the rich drove cars

These days everyone drives cars and only the rich own horses.

Oh how the stables have turned.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mulletboiiii
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2018
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I told my girlfriend I was making a car out of spaghetti.

She told me to grow up and stop being an idiot. You should have seen her face as I drove pasta.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jamster_1988
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
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A cop pulled me over and said, "Papers"

I yelled, "Scissors" and drove off.

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2021
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Drove past a cafe which was doing advertising an "All day breakfast"

I thought "I don't have time for that"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/maccer20
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2020
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A bloke on a tractor just drove past and shouted β€œthe end of the world is nigh”

I think it was farmer geddon

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2020
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The girlfriend and I just drove by a shoe in the road

GF: A shoe!

Me: Bless you

Was pretty proud of myself for a couple minutes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dumbass-D
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
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We drove to California and had a picnic on the beach. Had a great time, even though our waffles fell on the ground.

I'll always remember that sandy Eggo trip.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CSwork1
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2020
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I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did

Not screaming and yelling like everyone else in the car was when he drove over the cliff

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ironbattery
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
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What did the man say when he drove his car in reverse?

β€œOh man, this takes me back”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Big_Nick01
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2019
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Did you hear about the guy who drove through the mountain with multiple people in his car?

He had carpool tunnel syndrome.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CMoy1980
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2020
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A family drove to Disney Land, but they turned back and drove away

Because they saw the sign, "Disney Land left"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SkyStar1991
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2020
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Today I drove to work and because of the chaotic traffic I ran my car into another man's. As he got out of the car I saw he was a gentleman of the smaller persuasion, a dwarf. He said "I'm not happy."

I asked "Which one are you then?"

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2018
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There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living...

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.

He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.

He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.

Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.

He made it out, but a single person died.

Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.

He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.

When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.

After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.

The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.

The man was perfectly fine.

Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.

And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.

Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.

Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.

The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.

For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.

After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.

The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.

Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.

And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.

To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.

And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.

On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.

"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."

Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.

The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.

The executioner was speechless.

The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DCCXXVIII
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
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Freddie Mercury, Bruno Mars and Venus Williams walk into a bar

But they didn't planet

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Schrodingers_liar
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
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I drove by Legoland. People were lined up for blocks.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sheineken
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2019
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I drove by a truck carrying canned orange juice and I almost got into an accident.

I should have concentrated on the road.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2019
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I drove from Spain to France. A lot of ants were in the car when we crossed the border. Are they immigr-ants?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MysticaIMemes
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2019
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I just drove my truck into a building!

Good thing I opened the garage door first.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MelkorHimself
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2018
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Did you hear about the phase where people drove around wingless airplanes? Probably not, it never took off.

Credit goes to my co worker, who made me cringe very much so.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chockaday12
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2019
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I drove by two First Baptist Churches today.

One of them is lying

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Nightman_82
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2019
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A women was getting petrol at a petrol station and spilt some on her arm.

She rubbed the petrol off and drove away. While on the road, she lit a cigarette and her arm caught on fire. Concerned, she started waving her arm out the side of the car.

Amongst all this, the police pulled her over. "What am I under arrest for?" The officer replied "for having a firearm"

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
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My wife said I could never make a car out of spaghetti...

You should of seen her face when I drove Pasta.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HazyDayZ420
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
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My dad was asking why I always drove a hire car.

I told him, "I'm too tall for the lower car."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AB6Daf
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2019
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So I drove pass a nice cemetery with my kids, and I told them....

"You know, a lot of people would just die to get into there."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thot_Destroyer_22
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2019
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We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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I drove over a rusty nail yesterday

I retired since then

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ToxianLeader
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2019
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I drove past a car dealership that had a sign saying β€œHuge Car Sale”

Not sure why... all the cars looked normal size to me.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/smonaghan213
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2019
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I drove my new car out of the lot only to find that the reverse gear is broken.

There’s no turning back now.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I drove my new car out of the lot, only to find the reverse gear broken.

There’s no going back now.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Cop pulled me over and said β€œPAPERS.” I yelled scissors and drove off.
πŸ‘︎ 62
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πŸ‘€︎ u/adityakanteti
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
🚨︎ report
I drove my new car out of the lot only to find the reverse gear broken.

There’s no going back now.

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
🚨︎ report
I drove past a sign that said watch for children

Sounds like a pretty good deal

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dandan_56
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2019
🚨︎ report

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