The last one was mad she came in 10th place
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
Nice guys finish last.
So instead I got consolation pies.
It was a wrap battle.
They were named One Two Three, and Un Deux Trois.
England won; The Un Deux Trois Quatre Cinq.
...You may roll your eyes at that, but wait until you see it in real life.
Then it would be IRL IRL IRL.
(...I gotta admit, he got me on that one.)
Fast and Fuhrer-ious
Let me know if you wanna take a quick gander
After the cheetah easily wins, the lion complains: "Man, you're a cheetah" and the cheetah says: "Naw man you're a lion".
Nothing, they fast
There was a race horse named Pat, who was one of the greatest race horses to ever live. He set records that were near impossible to beat. After a long time of racing, he retired to an old stable with some old friends. They were very happy that he retired there to stay with him, and congratulated him on all of his records that he set.
Once Pat retired, he started keeping track of all the up and coming horses that were winning a lot. There was a race horse named Charlie that was doing really great and winning all his races. Pat saw this horse and watched him race. Charlie started to break all of Pat’s records and Pat was a little upset with this.
After a while, Charlie decided to retire after an extremely successful career in racing. By chance, Charlie decided to retire at the same stable that Pat retired in. When Charlie entered the stable, everyone went up to him to congratulate him on his records and wins. Pat went up to Charlie and said, “Hey Charlie congratulations on all of your wins! You broke a lot of my records and I was very impressed.” Charlie responds, “go away old man, I’m better than you ever were.” Pat was blown away by his response. He galloped away from Charlie with defeat.
After a while of thinking, Pat decides to challenge Charlie to a race. Charlie agreed to it and wanted to race right away. He said “We will race to the tree over there and turn around and come back and whoever gets there first will be the winner.” Pat was still healthy but he needed a few weeks to get his legs back into shape for the race. Charlie gives Pat 2 weeks to get ready.
After 2 weeks pass, they are ready to race. “Hey Pat, before we race I want to warn you that I win my races by passing them by the end. So don’t get all cocky and think you are going to win.” Charlie says. Pat thanks him for the warning and they start getting set to race.
The gun sounds and they are off to race. Pat starts out in front, and nears the finish. Out of know where, Charlie zooms ahead of Pat and wins the race.
Pat was very disappointed in his loss, but congratulated Charlie anyways. A dog comes up to them and says, “Wow, that was a fantastic race! Neither of you should be upset with that. You both were so great!” Charlie looks to Pat and Pat looks to Charlie. They are astonished. Charlie says, “Say that again! Say it again!” The dog says a little confused, “Well I just said that you both were so great out there.” Pat says, “Charlie! It’s a talking dog!”
In it took part the Minus sign, and the numbers zero and -2. All three ended the race at precisely the same time.
-2, Minus Won; 0 Won Too.
(Reddit, I am counting on you to make this stupid joke popular!)
My thinking was that if I take their shells off, that they'd be lighter and quicker.
All it did was make them a bit sluggish.
So I enrolled both my kids in the hurdles and 100m sprint.
It was level pegging.
I still can't believe the guy in high heels won.
I thought I was the fastest, turns out I’m second to nun
But now he's just sluggish
He did it on porpoise.
His car pushed the envelope.
He Finnished first.
In her mother's womb.
I'm an e-racer.
But it just made it more sluggish......
Mph.
Tu-Tu won one too.
.....and that’s when I drew the line.
He knew a short cut
Because it was wiped out
The Hare : you beat me in the race but i had a nap, so who's the Real Winner.?
Because Une-Deux-Troi quatre cinq.
Unfortunately it didn't work, he was just more sluggish.
“Looks like you need to ketchup”
Him: I race cars.
Her: Do you win many races?
Him: No, the cars are much faster.
I get way too much anxiety for the drivers
The lettuce was ahead while the tomato tried to ketchup.
It's a running gag
"Hey dude, how've you bean?"
NYYYYOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW
The Indianapolish 500
It was karmageddon!
The cop said, “Sir, that’s not how you play the race card.”
Finally a turn in the right direction.
I said no, the cars are much faster
Need for Seed
What a soar loser.
The steaks will be higher than ever
Because it's stationery.
Then it came to me, a soundtrack of course.
It was a Jag war.
Because he took a shortcut.
I knew that was nonsense. People from Finland always Finnish first.
It’s my longest running joke of the year so far...
They ended up in a tie
Because he wanted to hear everyone say "Look at that S car go!".
USB Flash Drive
He ran pasta lot of people.
... he picked it up carefully with his trunk and peered at the little window with a racing heart...
Positive! ... Brenda was pregnant!
OMG... fear, excitement, shock... and yet more worrying "why hasn't she told me?"
A hundred scenarios raced through his head, his ears trembling, his trunk twitching as each played out...
Finally he calmed... maybe she was waiting for the right moment to tell him the news?
He chose to be patient... he watched her carefully the whole day, carefully avoiding anything that might show that he knew... but Bethany gave no hints whatsoever.
Several days went by, and he grew more and more anxious.
Finally, he could take it no longer...
"Bethany..." he said
"It's time we discussed the elephant in the womb".
-
(Lewis) Hamilton
-
Stirling (Moss)
-
Ayr Town Centre!!!
In the Alpine mountains of Switzerland, a young carpenter has just learned that his wife is with child.
Looking for advice, he consults his own father, to better prepare for fatherhood. The old man tells him, ''You should build something to await the arrival of the child. Something which will have your purest thoughts, your kindest emotions encapsulated within, to gift to the child when it is born. ''
On the way atop the mountains, the young man gets an idea forming within his head, whilst walking past a field with horses about. He will build a small wooden race horse on wheels, for the child to ride around in.
He spends hours, tirelessly carving, polishing, measuring, until nine months later, the child is born. The man's life is suddenly filled with intense joy, and he forgets about his gift for a little while. That is, until his son begins to take his first steps, and his balance becomes more assured. The carpenter decides to take the wooden horse out of his workshop, and gift it to his son. The son, is instantly magnetized by the toy, and instinctively learns how to ride it forth, and about the house.
With time, the child grows up strong, smarter every day. With age, he began neglecting the wooden horse, and soon, his mother had tucked it away, as a keepsake into the attic of the house.
A few decades pass, and the child has become a man. He followed up in his father's footsteps, in some ways, and in others he varied. He went on to study the Arts in Zurich, but still chose to work with wood, like his father did.
His sculptures became famous, as he managed to catalyze the aesthetic, literary and artistic movements of the time. His first exposition came, and he stood there, proud, in this artistic intelligentsia coffee house, surrounded by cigar smoke, thinking of his dad, who had since passed.
Suddenly, a man sporting a cigarette perched atop fine lips, approached him, and asked inquisitively in Swiss German, but with an undeniably thick French accent.
''Are you an artist?''
''Non, but my Dada ist.''
because he couldn't cross the finnish line.
The Boston Marathon, it’s the most popular.
Winning by forfeit
Because God told him to come fourth
It was neck and neck
“One Two Three” because “Un Deux Trois” cat sank.
Nothing, they fast
Nothing, they fast.
"One Two Three" did cos "Un Deux Trois" cat sank.
Let me know if you want to take a quick gander
But no, it only made him more sluggish.
Nothing. They fast.
Nothing, they fast!
Nothing, they fast.
Nothing, they fast
Do you who came first? The first number. He one.
But it just made him more sluggish.
Nothing, they fast
My tactic was if I take the shells off, they’ll be lighter and quicker,
All it did was make them a bit sluggish
Nothing, they fast!
Nothing, they fast.....
