While at a restaurant, the waitress was totally flirting with me with my wife present. After she walked away, my wife said “She obviously has COVID!” “Why would you think that?” I asked.
“Because she has no taste.”
A buddy of mine named his dog “5 Miles” so he could tell people he walked 5 miles
But today he ran over 5 Miles
Yesterday I changed a lightbulb, crossed a road, and walked into a bar.
The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said "happy...", and started timing on her watch. After a long silence she said...
"...40 second birthday".
I was so proud.
Never criticize someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.
That way you are a mile away and you have their shoes.
A mushroom walked into a bar
A mushroom walked into a bar. The bartender immediately kicked him out. The mushroom responded with c’mon I’m a fungi
I was part of a class and i total , we were 100 students. I walked up to the front of the class , and wrote :"balloons" on the white board. So...
The other 99 read balloons.
My girlfriend broke up with me when she walked in on me making out with my personal trainer
She said "This isn't working out."
A snake walked into a bar
And the bartender said
"Wow how did you do that?"
Can someone near Houston send pics of where they walked in the snow?
I want to see the fresh prints of Bellaire.
So a guy walked into a bar
Two peanuts walked into a bar
I visited a monastery the other day and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man frying chips. I asked him "Are you the friar?"
He replied "No, I'm the chip monk..."
My son (8) walked out of the bathroom this morning and exclaimed "whoof!...
... I haven't peed since last year!"
I couldn't be more proud
To prove he was right, the "flat earther" walked to the end of the Earth
He eventually came around
A pun walked into a bar and ten people died on the spot.
Given that a case of the sniffles means staying home from school, we give my daughter a daily allergy medicine. My wife was giving her breakfast before school, and when I walked out, I asked if she’d had her medicine yet.
My daughter said yes, and I replied, “So you’re de-Claritin that you’ve had it already?”
Today’s temperature, in Minnesota, walked into a bar
Bartender looked at it and said, “why do you have to be so negative!”
A blind man walked into a bar
then a table, and a chair
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k,256k, 512k and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane.
What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the courtroom?
Did you hear about the guy that walked into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm?
He asked the bartender for a beer, and one for the road.
David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a drink.
“It’s a pleasure to serve you, Mr. Hasselhoff”, said the bartender.
“Just call me Hoff”, he replied.
“Sure”, said the bartender, “no hassle”.
Well I walked right into that one didn't I
The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar
And things got a little tense.
Sam and Ella walked into a bar.
The bar got shut down by the health department.
Sigmund Freud walked into a bra
I walked in the shop, glimpsing my beard covered in snow as I entered
"You're a few weeks late aren't you Santa?" the girl behind the counter joked, smiling.
"Ho, ho, ho!" I fired back at her, in an uncharacteristic misogynistic outburst.
A man walked into a psychiatrist's office wearing only Saran Wrap
The psychiatrist said, "I can clearly see your nuts."
A pirate walked into a bar. He had a steering wheel in his pants.
He said to the bartender, “Arr, it’s driving me nuts!”
Did you hear about the rabbi that walked into a bar?
He was hit in the temple.
A sperm donor, Carpenter, and Julius Caesar walked into a bar
... He came, he saw, he conquered
A bell curve walked into a plastic surgeon's office and said "Doctor, I don't like the way I look"
And the doctor said, "You look normal to me".
What did the man say to the hooker when she walked up to him?
I walked into a supermarket and saw 1/2 watermelon.....
Why is it i shop at Wholefoods and see this?
So a guy walked into a bar...
He said it left a bruise.
I visited a monastery and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man frying chips...
'Are you the friar? ' I asked him.
'No, I am the chip monk' he replied.
Edit : Holy crap ! More than 1K updoots for a silly joke ? Thanks guys ! I am not sure whether to be proud or ashamed of myself.
Walked past a pallet of nacho cheese at Costco today. Looked my daughter in the eye and said, “Dylan, don’t touch”
Wife walked in to the bedroom as I was pulling off my Boxers...
...she said "you love those dogs more than me".
My boyfriend told me as I walked in “hey don’t be alarmed but the toilet is smoking”. Concerned, I walked into the bathroom and found this:
A dyslexic man walked into a bra
Two men walked into a bar...
The past, present, and future walked into a bar...
The future, the present and the past walked into a bar,
Things got a little tense.
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