I was walking on the street when someone randomly threw a can at my head.

Luckily, it was a soft drink.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KotFedot666
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2019
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I’m walking into a grocery store, and I see a random dad leaving as I enter. He hands me his empty cart and says to me,

β€œLeft some gas in it for you”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MildBanana
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2018
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What is the least spoken language in the world?

Sign language

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/A_Sea_Cucumber
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2017
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Chain link

I found a random piece of chain on the dog walk today and, when I got back I found another...I dont think the two are linked!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/clairehannah
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
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Funny 'Dads Anonymous' story to share for the holiday weekend.

"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"

"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."

Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."

"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...

Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.

"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.

Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
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Dad's been busy

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.

We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

  1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

  2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

  3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

  4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

  5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

  6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

  7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

  8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

  9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

  10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

  11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

  12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

  13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

  14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;

'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

  1. Took a bo
... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/specklesinc
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2019
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Random stranger cold blooded floored me

My girlfriend and I were walking with her carrying a backpack and I was holding a bag of ice on each shoulder.

Random woman walks by and just looks at both of us and goes "she's really giving you the cold shoulder"

I was just floored. I never saw her before and I've never seen her again but I really hope things are working out for her.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2016
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So I was walking down the road.

Walking down the road and out of nowhere a random guy threw a block of cheese at me! I said to him now that wasn’t very mature was it!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CallMeMrWhite
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2019
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Pony Piano

A man walks into a crowded, smokey club. He sits at a empty table, next to many nicely dressed men and women. They are all facing a piano lit by a spotlight. Everyone begins to clap as a horse walks out on two legs. Wearing a tailored suit, it sat in front of the ivory keys. In a panic of anxiety it stumbled down the keys, striking random and disjointing notes. As everyone in attendance held there ears, the man stood up and yelled "That's one phoney pony."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NagasConundrum
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2019
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What is a mummy's favorite kind of music?

Rap.

Cheesy for sure but a random older gentleman told me this joke while I was walking around Seattle on a recent trip. Made the day pretty memorable!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CeruleanStarlite
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2019
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Just went on a family vacation to the Grand Canyon and my pops got dadjoked by another dad while we were there.

We were taking pictures of the amazing views from the south rim of the canyon and my family wanted a picture with everyone in it. We all line up and my dad taps an older gentleman on the shoulder to take our picture:

My dad: "Hey, can you take our picture?"

Random dad: With a disgusted face he says, "No, I don't want a picture of you people." And walks off.

He took about 5 steps before turning around, laughing to himself, and snapped a great pic of my family. My dad later remarked, "that was a good one."

πŸ‘︎ 456
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πŸ‘€︎ u/konvictkarl
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2014
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My dad one-upping my "Corn"-y joke

A few years ago my dad and I were bored walking through a museum and came to a random painting of a woven basket filled with husks of corn. He asked me what i thought of it.

As his dad-joke apprentice i told him: "I dunno, seems kind of "Corn-y" to me"

Without missing a beat he stared at me and said "you may think it's corny, but i think it's a-Maize-ing"

I still crack up thinking about it years later

πŸ‘︎ 247
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πŸ‘€︎ u/trampestamp
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2013
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I'm just a bystander of a dad joke. I survived, though I'm not sure about the rest of the family as I couldn't bring myself to look.

I visited Detroit yesterday and walked to the riverwalk (which Canada is right across the water). As my wife and I are taking in the view I hear behind us:

random dad: "Oh... Canada"

family: ...

rd; "you know, they should make a song like that."

family: ...

rd: "actually with those exact words; Oh Canada....."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/trouzy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2017
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Made a motivational dad joke

Recently I took a very spontaneous last minute trip across the country. It really cleared my head from all the nonsense in my life right now. A friend of mine got inspired by that and said fuck it, I'm going somewhere random too (he ended up deciding Zion Park in Utah). He texted me that he was getting anxious about it and was about to back out, so I replied "You can't back out now, you said you want to do something crazy so do it. Utah-k the talk, now you gotta walk the walk."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lvl100Warlock
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2017
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Dadjoked girl at Music Festival.

Yesterday a random girl was on my shoulders at a music festival. When she finally got down, I remarked "Well that's a weight off my shoulders!"

Needless to say she walked away and i never saw her again.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yeahbro86
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2014
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I made an accidental dad joke.

I'm a second year university student. I was walking back to my room and walked into an acquaintance. We're both computer geeks more or less, and I was carrying my laptop with me. I started making some simple smalltalk when he noticed my laptop.

"Oh! Is that a Dell?"

Me: "oh!...Yeah! It's a Dell, but not the singer."

Continued to walk past, as this encounter took an entire 10 seconds at most

Random passerby that overheard in a hearty tone: "Hey! That was funny!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Arretezz
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2017
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I saw a post about someones 10 y.o. daughter, had to share mine of my 10 y.o. cousin

We were chatting with a couple of people in the backgarden when a random cat jumped into our garden. He seemed skiddish at first but after trying for a few minutes I got to pet it before it ran off. Walking back, my cousin exclaims: "How did you do that!?" To which I said: "Because I speak cat!". She looked confused for a second, then answered (she lives in Barcelona): "Oh, you speak catalonian too!?"

Maybe you guys won't laugh, but I was crying for 2 minutes straight.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ReflexNL
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2017
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Dad jokes at work

Our intern was telling a story about how her roommate came home drunk from a party with a random cat. She found out the next day her roommate had stolen it from their neighbor.

My response- "So one might call her a cat burglar?"

Everyone walked away...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/whycantwejust
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2015
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We Went Shopping for Tall Bar Stools....

..random older guy walks buy, "My, that's a high chair."

I LOL'd and told him he Dad joked me good!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Iced_TeaFTW
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2016
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3 rings of marriage

A random dad walked up to my girlfriend and I just to say:

"You two know the three rings of marriage, right?" "you've got the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and... SUFFERING"

He then walked away smiling and we never saw him again.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wolverigne
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2014
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A 5th grader gets it.

I work at an elementary school and a 5th grader has been calling me Mr. Tall since 1st grade. I'm only 6 feet 3. He got me with this one today.

He said as I randomly walked down the hall, "hey Mr. Tall, you must have to use the Toll Free Lane on the highway."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/paustulio
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2016
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Drive-by dadjoked at a SWE outreach event

A fellow group leader and I were speed copying names of our girls' parents to make the check out process easier later in the day. I told her "You're behind! You need to catch up!" A random dad walking by simply remarked "AND mustard!" and continued on. It took me a second, but I laughed hysterically.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mystori
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2015
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The running jokes..

For a little background my dad enjoys the more vulgar jokes. Anyway, he often jokes about his "company." In fact every time he answers the phone he answers as if it's a call towards his company.

(He answers the phone) "Hello this is the Viiiiibrator Repair Service." Caller - "the what?" Dad - "This is Dick Phitzwell's Vibrator Repair Service, as of right now only the installation department is available."

It's not a joke really cause there's no funny punchline. The caller normally laughs and then carries on with the call.

Another one he likes, "What does an 80 year old woman taste like?

Depends.."

The other day we are at the beach. We're walking back to our vehicle and he's carrying his metal detector in his hands. Random beachgoer - "Did you find anything?" Dad - "No, unfortunately my battery went dead... just like my ex-wife's 'curling iron' under her pillow."

There's many many more. I'll have to catalog them in some form. Let me know if you'd like to hear the life and times of Dick Phitzwell.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rentz3
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2014
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An inappropriate dad joke

While I was walking downtown with my dad and cousin, my cousin told my dad that a random woman was totally eye-banging him. My dad replied with "well, I have an eye-boner!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/spaceographer
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2013
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