Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...

...an ether/oar situation...

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
What does Wonder Woman do before she goes to bed?

She puts her pajamazon

πŸ‘︎ 456
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pappajay2001
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
Personally, I don't believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros.

There needs to be a balance.

A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.

πŸ‘︎ 22k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/A____K
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Why don't professional boxers have sex before a fight ?

Thy probably don't like each other.

πŸ‘︎ 114
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
I have started carrying a piece of stone with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.

It’s my jingle bell rock.

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
What did batman say to robin before they got into the bat mobile?

Robin get in the car.

πŸ‘︎ 408
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πŸ‘€︎ u/noodlesvonsoup
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
FIRST DATE: Her dad: "I want her home before midnight."

Me: "But you already own her home."

Dad: -turning to daughter- "If you don't sleep with him, I will."

Credit to u/psybermonkey15

πŸ‘︎ 27k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jomjimmerjome
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Before the clock strikes midnight on december 31st be sure to lift your left leg

That way you will start off the new year on the right foot

πŸ‘︎ 199
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πŸ‘€︎ u/noodlesvonsoup
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
How can you prove that the "I" before "E" except after "C" doesn't always apply ?

Through science.

πŸ‘︎ 144
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I have only two new years resolutions this year. One: get back to the weight I was before the accident.

Two: stop referring to last year's junk food binge as 'the accident'

πŸ‘︎ 93
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ben716
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
Before crowbars were invented

^(most crows drank at home by themselves.)

πŸ‘︎ 628
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Always knock on the fridge before opening.

Just in case there is a salad dressing

πŸ‘︎ 78
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πŸ‘€︎ u/I_SHIT_A_BRICK
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
At least he got laid before he died
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Embarrassed by the Four Seasons fiasco, Giuliani makes a statement before Parliament.
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SlewBrew
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
To boldly go where no man has gone before
πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RogueDisciple
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Pre- means before. Post- means after. To use both prefixes together,

...would be preposterous

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/amar610
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I never tried using a gun ever before...

I'm planning to give it a shot, though.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SuperFeather0
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
🚨︎ report
Have you ever seen Mount Rushmore before it was carved?

Its beauty was unpresidented.

πŸ‘︎ 148
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DaddyRecon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
What does a runner eat before a marathon?

Nothing, they fast.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MJWIZARD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
🚨︎ report
Here’s a little early access to a pun I made. I’m not sure if this joke has been said before but I hope not. I love making up puns
πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kyledreeling10
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I normally knock on the fridge door before I open it...

Just in case there’s a salad dressing

πŸ‘︎ 15k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/omniwrench-
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Given that a case of the sniffles means staying home from school, we give my daughter a daily allergy medicine. My wife was giving her breakfast before school, and when I walked out, I asked if she’d had her medicine yet.

My daughter said yes, and I replied, β€œSo you’re de-Claritin that you’ve had it already?”

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bpcombs
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
🚨︎ report
What did Adam say the night before Christmas?

It's Christmas eve

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
What do sprinters eat before a race?

Nothing, they fast

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brundonius
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
I found a knife at the bottom of my ornament box (no idea why) so I picked it up and announced β€œβ€˜twas the knife before Christmas!”
πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mother_of_baggins
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Dang it, Mt Rushmore was so beautiful before it was carved out...

Its natural beauty was honestly unpresidented

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ramiel01
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
I got my chips before I put my money into the vending machine

I guess it's out of order.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/realtonylong
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
He was sentenced to drinking spruce tea or leaving for 6 months because he was teaching the youth how to be passive-aggressive. His disciple Playdoh wrote half a screenplay about him before giving up and finding a real job.
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NRGFalcon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Just cost me a $1 to put air in my tyre, when before it used to be free.

I guess, that's inflation.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
🚨︎ report
A father hands a burger to his son before vanishing

Before he leaves, the father says, β€œIt’s a bison burger”

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report
I'm a teacher and every day I write a Dad Joke from this sub on the board. Today a student said this to me... I was about to go off... before I got the Dad Joke.

Student: "Sir, someone nutted on the floor!"

Me: *Begins to get angry* *Turns around... there's a hex nut on the floor*

Me: "Well played."

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Plane_Garbage
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
🚨︎ report
The new funeral home in town will not let me view my loved ones before their burial, sadly.

Unbereavable...

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/breakone9r
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
If you order a bust be made before you do anything important, let’s be honest.

You’re just getting a head of yourself.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theRiverknows86
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report
Before I start, I need to see if this thing works.

"Everyone named Michael stand up." Assorted people stand up "And that concludes the mike check."

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Not many people know what Mount Rushmore looked like before it was carved

Its beauty was unpresidented

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Beer4Dad
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
I fell asleep before New Years

Then Woke up in another year

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wienerbuttnipple
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
If you get hurt before you are 18, it’s just a minor injury.
πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Talmax009
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife was making gravy for dinner, and she added some corn starch, but it got too thick. To thin it out she added some water, but then it was too thin again. It went back and forth a few times before I said...

Ahh. I get it. It’s a viscous cycle.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PocketCornbread
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Make sure that your left leg is up before the clock hits midnight tomorrow.

That way you start 2021 on the right foot.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DaddyRecon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Before crowbars were invented...

...most crows drank at home by themselves.

πŸ‘︎ 85
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
You should always knock on the fridge door before opening it

Just in case there's a salad dressing

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DubstepAndTrap
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
Before they invented crowbars

Most crows just drank at home

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
🚨︎ report
Before Mount Rushmore was cut in

It’s natural beauty was unpresidented

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/robindc_93
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
What do sprinters eat before a race?

Nothing, they fast!

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheIndrajitKar
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
What do sprinters eat before a race?

Nothing, they fast.

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheEmperor_06
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I always knock on the fridge before I open the door...

Just in case there is a salad dressing.

I'll see myself out....

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thirteen_20
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Just before midnight tonight, I’ll lift up my left leg.

That way, I can start the new year on the right foot.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ajd011394
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
What do sprinters eat before a race?

Nothing, they fast!

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ephen_stephen13
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report

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