My wife had just put expensive new silk bedding on the bed...

... along with a cashmere blanket. It seemed odd, but on top of all of that she put a cheap thin sheet woven from flax fibers. I was standing by the dresser and accidentally bumped a hot pot of Earl Grey, spilling it all over the bed. My wife told me not to worry. Amazingly, despite the amount that I had spilled, none of it got onto the fancy blanket or bedding. I was completely befuddled, so she explained, "Brewed tea is only linen deep."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HuecoTanks
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2021
🚨︎ report
Couldn't believe I got funding for my new bedding and rope project.

I sheet you knot

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/generiatric123
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
🚨︎ report
My patient wanted his bedding fixed, and when I did, I found remainders of his lunch.

Turns out, he was resting in peas.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarisaberry
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
🚨︎ report
My horse ate all the bedding in the stable

That was the last straw

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DLF6
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Someone once told me they loved absolutely all kinds of bedding.

It was a real blanket statement.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the02guy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Getting the bedding down

So, short version of a long story... We lost our home in the Paradise, CA Camp Fire Nov 8, 2018. My wife was on the phone with our daughter who is in college, discussing new bedding for the new house.

They had been at it for quite a while, when I said, "Duvet have anything you like? It would be a sham if they didn't..."

Silence on the phone, then, "dad, just stop."

"Ok," I said, "Just get everything down that you like."

Sigh....

One of my better moments as a dad!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Divinepyramid
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2019
🚨︎ report
I hope this is not a bed pun
πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kurisucx
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Why doesn't james bond fart in bed?

Because it'll blow his cover

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/p_tally
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2021
🚨︎ report
I told my daughter, β€œGo to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.” Puzzled, she asked, β€œWhat’s that got to do with anything?” I chuckled, "Well, that means..."

"It’s pasture bedtime!”

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2021
🚨︎ report
Every morning after waking up, the first thing I do is make my bed.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to IKEA.

πŸ‘︎ 611
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2021
🚨︎ report
If a child refuses to go to bed...

Are they guilty of resisting a rest.

πŸ‘︎ 108
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chicken_nugget137
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a policeman in bed?

An undercover cop

πŸ‘︎ 96
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LockCapital
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife just found out I replaced her water bed with a trampoline.

She hit the roof.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2021
🚨︎ report
How do you get more bounce in a water bed?

Put some spring water in it

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DINO-BURY89
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2021
🚨︎ report
A man walks into a hospital ward and starts inspecting the bed charts.

A doctor notices this and says, "Excuse me sir, but what are you doing?"

The man ignores the doctor and continues, now taking everyone's blood pressure.

"Sir, I'll ask you again", says the doctor, "why are you here and what are you doing?"

Ignoring the doctor again, the man then begins to take everyone's blood and starts processing it through the hospital's examination equipment.

"Right!" Shouts the doctor. "Now you're testing my patients!"

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2021
🚨︎ report
My GF dressed up as a police woman and told me I was under arrest under the suspicion that I was good in bed c

After 3 mins all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence

πŸ‘︎ 804
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πŸ‘€︎ u/avinash333bhat
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2021
🚨︎ report
If you become seriously depressed, try drinking a gallon of water just before you go to bed.

That will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
🚨︎ report
What does James Bond do before he goes to bed?

He goes undercover

πŸ‘︎ 463
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LegAcyCoolBro
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2021
🚨︎ report
What does jeff bezos do before bed?

He puts his pyjamazon

πŸ‘︎ 129
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spoopychillz
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a person with epilepsy laying on a bed of lettuce?

A seizure salad

πŸ‘︎ 222
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Corvette-Ronnie
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2021
🚨︎ report
I'm going to print a document to help cure bed-wetting.

CTRL-P

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ExtraSure
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?

Futon Harpoon

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThatChapThere
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2021
🚨︎ report
I stopped eating on my bed

Everything started tasting like sheet.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAzrael2013
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2021
🚨︎ report
I accidentally kicked my bed post when I got up this morning

I had to call a toe truck

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BigPapaChuck73
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2021
🚨︎ report
What do wetting your bed and a receipt have in common?

They both have a silent pee.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ May 27 2021
🚨︎ report
I bought my daughter a Dorito bed. After many hours of assembly I told her she was free to lay in it.

Because it was Frito Lay

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SuperTyden
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2021
🚨︎ report
I just bought a cheap traveler bed and breakfast.

It was a hostel takeover

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brainsonastick
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2021
🚨︎ report
A hotel just offered me a job making beds...

I think I'll turn them down.

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jigsatics
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
🚨︎ report
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and thinking to myself....

Where the fuck is my roof ?

πŸ‘︎ 75
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2021
🚨︎ report
What is the biggest type of bed ?

The sea bed.

(Courtesy of my 6 year old.)

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2021
🚨︎ report
Just found out they make adult race car beds so I bought one.

That way I can be fast asleep.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kshep1188
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the broom decide to go to bed?

He was getting sweepy

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cyrouge
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2021
🚨︎ report
Scientists have discovered what is believed to be the world's largest bed sheet.

More on this story, as it unfolds.

πŸ‘︎ 162
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when a marketing genius is comfortable in bed?

Koshy

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/1-sh
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2021
🚨︎ report
Want to make your water bed bouncier.....

Use spring water.

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife thinks we should allow our pets to share our bed.... I finally gave in.

After 10 minutes, our goldfish finally settled down.

πŸ‘︎ 329
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2021
🚨︎ report
Wife: "What's this soccer ball doing in the flower bed?"

Me: "It's just looking round"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gil-Gandel
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2021
🚨︎ report
What does Wonder Woman do before she goes to bed?

She puts her pajamazon

πŸ‘︎ 455
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pappajay2001
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the bicycle go to bed early?

Because it was two-tyred

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2021
🚨︎ report
True story: I was visiting my wife in the hospital but the room didn't have a bed to lay down in so I laid down on the floor since I was tired. The nurse came in and asked "having a good time down there"?

I said "oh yeah. I'm just floored".

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fireburner80
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
🚨︎ report
Why are mild mannered guys from Finland very good in bed?

Because nice guys finnish last

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/supra_elongata
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2021
🚨︎ report
I woke up last night too the ghost of Gloria Gaynor by my bed

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/laserBlade
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2021
🚨︎ report
Friend: β€œYou told me you were interesting, but you’re literally always in bed”

Me: β€œI said I was INTO RESTING!”

πŸ‘︎ 86
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πŸ‘€︎ u/decentname99
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a policeman in bed

An undercover cop

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Fox1984
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2021
🚨︎ report
I told my 7 year old daughter, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field."

Puzzled she asked, "What's that got to do with anything?

I chuckled, "Well that means....its pasture bedtime. "

πŸ‘︎ 407
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2021
🚨︎ report
What does Jeff Bezos do before bed?

He puts his pajamazon.

πŸ‘︎ 62
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kurtconner76
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2021
🚨︎ report
I told my daughter, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field." She said, "What's that got to do with anything?"

I said "That means it's pasture bedtime."

πŸ‘︎ 23k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ArchipelagoMind
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Why doesn't James Bond fart in bed ?

Because, it would blow his cover.

πŸ‘︎ 814
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
🚨︎ report
I replaced our bed with a king-sized trampoline.

When she finds out, my wife is going to hit the roof.

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kdlaz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2021
🚨︎ report

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