My wife had just put expensive new silk bedding on the bed...
... along with a cashmere blanket. It seemed odd, but on top of all of that she put a cheap thin sheet woven from flax fibers. I was standing by the dresser and accidentally bumped a hot pot of Earl Grey, spilling it all over the bed. My wife told me not to worry. Amazingly, despite the amount that I had spilled, none of it got onto the fancy blanket or bedding. I was completely befuddled, so she explained, "Brewed tea is only linen deep."
π︎ 4
π
︎ May 31 2021
Couldn't believe I got funding for my new bedding and rope project.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Feb 24 2021
My patient wanted his bedding fixed, and when I did, I found remainders of his lunch.
Turns out, he was resting in peas.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Sep 17 2020
My horse ate all the bedding in the stable
π︎ 57
π
︎ May 04 2020
Someone once told me they loved absolutely all kinds of bedding.
It was a real blanket statement.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Apr 27 2020
Getting the bedding down
So, short version of a long story...
We lost our home in the Paradise, CA Camp Fire Nov 8, 2018. My wife was on the phone with our daughter who is in college, discussing new bedding for the new house.
They had been at it for quite a while, when I said, "Duvet have anything you like? It would be a sham if they didn't..."
Silence on the phone, then, "dad, just stop."
"Ok," I said, "Just get everything down that you like."
Sigh....
One of my better moments as a dad!
π︎ 5
π
︎ Mar 06 2019
I hope this is not a bed pun
π︎ 15
π
︎ May 01 2020
Why doesn't james bond fart in bed?
Because it'll blow his cover
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Apr 27 2021
I told my daughter, βGo to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.β Puzzled, she asked, βWhatβs that got to do with anything?β I chuckled, "Well, that means..."
"Itβs pasture bedtime!β
π︎ 14k
π
︎ Mar 26 2021
Every morning after waking up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow Iβm returning this piece of junk to IKEA.
π︎ 611
π
︎ May 29 2021
If a child refuses to go to bed...
Are they guilty of resisting a rest.
π︎ 108
π
︎ Jun 07 2021
What do you call a policeman in bed?
π︎ 96
π
︎ Jun 05 2021
My wife just found out I replaced her water bed with a trampoline.
π︎ 23
π
︎ Jun 09 2021
How do you get more bounce in a water bed?
Put some spring water in it
π︎ 45
π
︎ Jun 02 2021
A man walks into a hospital ward and starts inspecting the bed charts.
A doctor notices this and says, "Excuse me sir, but what are you doing?"
The man ignores the doctor and continues, now taking everyone's blood pressure.
"Sir, I'll ask you again", says the doctor, "why are you here and what are you doing?"
Ignoring the doctor again, the man then begins to take everyone's blood and starts processing it through the hospital's examination equipment.
"Right!" Shouts the doctor. "Now you're testing my patients!"
π︎ 20
π
︎ Jun 10 2021
My GF dressed up as a police woman and told me I was under arrest under the suspicion that I was good in bed c
After 3 mins all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence
π︎ 804
π
︎ Apr 10 2021
If you become seriously depressed, try drinking a gallon of water just before you go to bed.
That will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
π︎ 12k
π
︎ Jan 28 2021
What does James Bond do before he goes to bed?
π︎ 463
π
︎ Apr 26 2021
What does jeff bezos do before bed?
π︎ 129
π
︎ Apr 19 2021
What do you call a person with epilepsy laying on a bed of lettuce?
π︎ 222
π
︎ Apr 02 2021
I'm going to print a document to help cure bed-wetting.
π︎ 26
π
︎ May 11 2021
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jun 09 2021
I stopped eating on my bed
Everything started tasting like sheet.
π︎ 18
π
︎ May 28 2021
I accidentally kicked my bed post when I got up this morning
I had to call a toe truck
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jun 07 2021
What do wetting your bed and a receipt have in common?
They both have a silent pee.
π︎ 5
π
︎ May 27 2021
I bought my daughter a Dorito bed. After many hours of assembly I told her she was free to lay in it.
π︎ 5
π
︎ May 29 2021
I just bought a cheap traveler bed and breakfast.
π︎ 6
π
︎ May 20 2021
A hotel just offered me a job making beds...
I think I'll turn them down.
π︎ 41
π
︎ Apr 09 2021
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and thinking to myself....
Where the fuck is my roof ?
π︎ 75
π
︎ Mar 23 2021
What is the biggest type of bed ?
The sea bed.
(Courtesy of my 6 year old.)
π︎ 56
π
︎ Mar 26 2021
Just found out they make adult race car beds so I bought one.
That way I can be fast asleep.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Apr 06 2021
Why did the broom decide to go to bed?
π︎ 32
π
︎ Apr 27 2021
Scientists have discovered what is believed to be the world's largest bed sheet.
More on this story, as it unfolds.
π︎ 162
π
︎ Mar 05 2021
What do you call it when a marketing genius is comfortable in bed?
π︎ 3
π
︎ May 14 2021
Want to make your water bed bouncier.....
π︎ 42
π
︎ Mar 26 2021
My wife thinks we should allow our pets to share our bed.... I finally gave in.
After 10 minutes, our goldfish finally settled down.
π︎ 329
π
︎ Feb 07 2021
Wife: "What's this soccer ball doing in the flower bed?"
Me: "It's just looking round"
π︎ 4
π
︎ May 08 2021
What does Wonder Woman do before she goes to bed?
π︎ 455
π
︎ Jan 08 2021
Why did the bicycle go to bed early?
π︎ 11
π
︎ Mar 25 2021
True story: I was visiting my wife in the hospital but the room didn't have a bed to lay down in so I laid down on the floor since I was tired. The nurse came in and asked "having a good time down there"?
I said "oh yeah. I'm just floored".
π︎ 11
π
︎ Apr 14 2021
Why are mild mannered guys from Finland very good in bed?
Because nice guys finnish last
π︎ 2
π
︎ Apr 02 2021
I woke up last night too the ghost of Gloria Gaynor by my bed
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Mar 27 2021
Friend: βYou told me you were interesting, but youβre literally always in bedβ
Me: βI said I was INTO RESTING!β
π︎ 86
π
︎ Feb 11 2021
What do you call a policeman in bed
π︎ 54
π
︎ May 19 2021
I told my 7 year old daughter, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field."
Puzzled she asked, "What's that got to do with anything?
I chuckled, "Well that means....its pasture bedtime. "
π︎ 407
π
︎ Apr 18 2021
What does Jeff Bezos do before bed?
π︎ 62
π
︎ Apr 21 2021
I told my daughter, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field." She said, "What's that got to do with anything?"
I said "That means it's pasture bedtime."
π︎ 23k
π
︎ Nov 15 2020
Why doesn't James Bond fart in bed ?
Because, it would blow his cover.
π︎ 814
π
︎ Jan 25 2021
I replaced our bed with a king-sized trampoline.
When she finds out, my wife is going to hit the roof.
π︎ 38
π
︎ Feb 17 2021
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.