My bedroom now has a stained glass window....

A pigeon just flew right into it.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
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I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...

That was a royal pane in the ass.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
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What did the glass say to the window?

"I'm in pane."

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ‘€︎ u/crazy_al01
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2020
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Holmes and Watson are creeping stealthy along the Street, searching for clues, when Holmes suddenly spots a Bakery shop window and scans it with his magnifying glass. Watson perplexed, says to Sherlock " What are you looking for exactly ? " ...Holmes replies...

" You know my method. It's founded upon the observation of Trifles. "

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
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My frosted glass windows smashed this afternoon

It's unclear what happened

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ‘€︎ u/endangeredpenguin
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2020
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My pet viper swallowed a sheet of window glass causing the snake severe physical discomfort.

It was a real pane in the asp.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/DreadMoor
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
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I just finished replacing the glass in my bedroom window

It was a real pane

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/Payasin70
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
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I saw a donkey with a stained glass window affixed to it's rear end...

What a pane on the ass!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2019
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Its a pane in the glass to work at a window factory, I can see right through their flaws. Mirrors, however, is something I can really see myself doing.
πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ‘€︎ u/n3rv0u5
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2018
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My friend barely escaped injury after falling thru a plate glass window...

It sounded paneful.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2019
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A few days ago my next door neighbours glass fell out of the window frame in the living room.

They called a company who came out to replace the glass, it happened again two days later so the company came back again and replaced it. My neighbour asked why it was happening and the company told him that it was happening a lot in the area, and that a local animal was eating the putty we use to hold the glass in. My neighbour asked him what kind of animal could possibly do that??? He said yes it’s a cat..... A putty cat......

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/Funkcanna
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2019
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A young man was walking through town when he came across a fishing supply store.

His father had never taught him to fish, and he always wanted to give it a shot. He glanced in the window and saw a beautiful new fishing rod on sale for 10% off. After a moment of contemplation, he turned and headed home, quickly forgetting about the fishing rod.

The next day he walked by again and paused, taking another glance in the window. The fishing rod was still there, only it was 30% off now. He took a few minutes to think it over, but decided against it. He hurried along his way.

The next day, he couldn’t get the idea of sitting on the lake fishing out of his mind. He made up an excuse to walk by the store again, and he peered through the big glass window to see the fishing rod still there, only this time it was 60% off. What a deal! The young man decided he would buy some gear and finally learn how to fish. With a newfound excitement in his step, he opened the door and walked into the store. He made a beeline for the fishing rod, eager to get a feel for it in his hands.

Out of nowhere, the store clerk grabbed him from behind and wrestled him to the ground. Shouts and fighting ensued, until the young man finally broke free and stood up, ready to defend himself against another attack. β€œWhat in the world are you doing?!?” the young man asked, still trying to catch his breath.

The store clerk motioned to the blinking sign above the door that read, β€œBait and Tackle”

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ‘€︎ u/he_who_dared
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
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Day Job

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to hand him the money.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said,

"Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."

The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much,to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all.

Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 year

πŸ‘︎ 37
πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
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We were eating dinner tonight, when my daughter said to me, β€œI see your glass is empty. Would you like another one?”

I said, β€œWhy would I want two empty glasses?”

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2017
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Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with a hammer."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now.”

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ‘€︎ u/rangatan
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2015
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We were talking about a broken window.

My friend broke a window when throwing a snowball and accidentally hit it.

I said 'that must've been a pain to fix'

πŸ‘︎ 509
πŸ‘€︎ u/NoodleMe
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2015
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124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

β€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, β€˜The good news’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

β€œI’ll call you later!”- β€œPlease don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

β€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: β€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”

β€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, β€˜No, just leave it in the carton!’”

I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: β€œWow, that’s coincidental.”

I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

β€œMe: β€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: β€˜Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”

β€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

β€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it

β€œWhat’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: β€œDon’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: β€œNo, it’s a math problem.”

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ‘€︎ u/weeb123xD
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
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My wife and I were having sexual intercourse in the back of her car.

A policeman showed up, knocked on the glass and said, "What on earth is this?"

"It's called a window," I replied.

Stupid man.

πŸ‘︎ 104
πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2018
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I was standing in line at an ATM

There were 4 people ahead of me, and the ATM itself is inside a small structure with big glass windows that could pass as a miniature storefront. An older man walked by us and yelled "Must be a sale on money!"

Only I laughed. There was even a dad in line with his daughter who didn't get it.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ‘€︎ u/GhostlyImage
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2018
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Landed this on the 'Genius' in the Apple store...

Took my iMac in because the hard disc failed. The machine is 6 yrs old so I was made to feel embarrassed coz it was 'vintage and obsolete, Apple don't carry parts and can't help'. I was becoming a bit pissed off at the attitude I was getting then more pissed off when Mr Genius started to tell me to buy some suction pads that glaziers use to carry sheets of glass around, pull out the screen, undo 18 screws etc etc to change the disc myself. That's when I hit him with...

"Glaziers' suction pads? I thought they were only compatible with windows"

He didn't even flinch. Just completely ignored it and carried on sneering at me for having the audacity to be using an old machine. I left feeling like a piece of shit with only pride in my joke keeping me going.

πŸ‘︎ 45
πŸ‘€︎ u/smithmf
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2016
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I think my coworkers getting tired of the construction jokes I've been working on…

A group of us were walking by a building expansion that's been under construction for a while when one of my coworkers said, "Look! They're installing the large glass windows on the front!"

I couldn't help but say, "I guess that's a pretty clear indicator they're making progress!"

There may or may not have been a face palm afterwards.

πŸ‘︎ 67
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mapkar
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2016
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The moment I realized I was becoming my Dad.

So my girlfriend and I were binge watching Netflix one day, and she always brings a glass of water with her and leaves it in the window sill next to my bed. At this point there were probably like 6-7 cups in the window because I haven't cleaned in a while. Anyways, she asks me "Can you put my bra somewhere? It's driving me crazy". To which I reply, "Sure, I'll just put it here with the rest of your cups". I cried laughing for hours over this, she never even cracked a smile.

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2016
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Road trip

While driving the car, dad complained that his glasses were dirty. Mom did her best, but she had a heck of a time cleaning them, and it took almost 15 minutes before they were presentable. When she finally handed them back to my thoroughly amused dad, he put them on, blinked, lifted his finger to the front window and said, "Hey, look, a road."

I am still ashamed I laughed at that.

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ‘€︎ u/CaneCraft
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2014
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My dad got us good today

My family was all gathered around in the living room talking about the blue birds that keep trying and failing to fly in our windows (this has been going on for a few weeks). My mom mentioned that earlier today she noticed a bee doing the same thing, trying to get in through the glass. My dad then said, "Woah now, I didn't know we were gonna have a conversation about the birds and the bees!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/chazown97
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2016
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Dad joked at work

I am a window cleaner and I was cleaning the sliding glass doors at a hospital yesterday. As I'm cleaning this older man is leaving out the doors I'm cleaning and he says "Son, I can see right through your work." He just looks at me and starts laughing and walks out.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2014
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Proud of my punny haiku.

Saw this status on my friends Facebook page with a picture of his busted car window: "After yesterday's storm/flying treebranch. Awaiting the healing powers of the autoglass shaman. ". Someone else commented "if you put what you wrote into 3 lines, this makes a nice haiku"

I took that as a challenge. Here was the result:

Auto-glass shaman: The winds of change blew too hard. Can you heal my pane?

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/SolfeggeNerd
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2011
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Dadjoked an auto glass shop.

I was calling an auto glass shop for a quote after my gf's car was broken into.

Me: It was the driver-side rear window, yes.
Ok, and is there any more pieces of broken glass? Me: Yes, a couple hundred pieces in and around the door.... But no, no other windows were damaged.

Luckily the person on the phone thought it was funny.
My girlfriend did not.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/1600cc
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2014
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