Using only the letters L H U T S E, how do you tell an investigator to hurry up?

Hustle, Sleuth.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bentnotbroken96
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
🚨︎ report
Rick Harris hooked up with this girl using his brother Neil's pick-up line...

The questions is, will Neil Patrick Harris on the back?

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Can you guys come up with a pun using my crush’s name?

Her name is Amelia can you guys help me out?

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Noib79815
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I was using my drill at work when all of a sudden it heated up so much, it caught fire!

So I called up Dewalt and they said: β€œnot to worry! It’s just a fire drill.”

REDDIT! IM GOING TO BE A DAD!!! :D

πŸ‘︎ 104
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sydtheslothe
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2019
🚨︎ report
After years of using dial up, I finally upgraded to high speed internet. I didn't realize the internet traffic!

But I was able to e-merge.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2019
🚨︎ report
I Need help coming up with an August pun! Each month I write something nice on our calendar to my wife using the month as a pun. Can’t think of one for August! Can anyone help?
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SFV650
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2018
🚨︎ report
I just typed up a strongly worded complaint using paragraph formatting tools ...

It was entirely justified!

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BadPuppyZA
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2019
🚨︎ report
I was using the ATM when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance

So I pushed her over

πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CCplusplus
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2018
🚨︎ report
When I make Italian soup I always end up using dried herbs...

Because when I try to chop up fresh ones, I usually run out of thyme!

πŸ‘︎ 72
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oi_you_yeah_you
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2018
🚨︎ report
Random terrible puns I came up with using (some of) the 50 States
  • Alaska girl out when the times right
  • Arkansas right? (Ar Can Saw right?)
  • I’ll California
  • He’s gonna Florida car!
  • Iowa lot of money right now
  • He was in a state of Missouri for the past few days
  • He’s the Maine character of the book
  • Mind Washington dishes tonight?
  • Can I get a Minnesota with my burger?
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GodofWar1234
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2017
🚨︎ report
So I've been using my U2 SatNav for a few weeks now and I'm fed up.

The Streets Have No Name and I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OldManGravz
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2018
🚨︎ report
Request! Help me come up with cheesy pun using words "quetzal" or "monkey"?

I am making cheesy valentine-like cards for my fellow Adventure Monkeys--a name that was dubbed to the group I did humanitarian aid work with in Guatemala. For our last meeting tomorrow, I want to bring cheesy valentine-like cards, but I'm having trouble coming up with a silly pun. I'd like to use the words Quetzal (national bird of Guatemala) or Monkey (for our group) if possible.

Any ideas? I need your brilliant pun minds!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/alliegatorrr
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2015
🚨︎ report
[Request] Anyone got any jokes about using crutches? All the ones I coming up with are lame.

...But seriously I am looking for jokes about using crutches.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/H_G_Bells
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2017
🚨︎ report
My dad always used to tell me to wear shoes when using the lawn mower. I would always end up wearing slippers.

He would say "Don't come running to me if you get your legs cut off!".

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2016
🚨︎ report
Dad loves using this one whenever it comes up during movies...

Actor: "FIRE AT WILL!"

Dad: "Okay! Which one's Will?!"

Followed by an intense stare at the screen.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RHPM
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2013
🚨︎ report
Serves me right for using the greeting s'up...

My dad responds with "Sup with you if you're paying"

Every time...

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Palf10
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2014
🚨︎ report
I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, but my roommate used it roll up a joint.

Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.

πŸ‘︎ 20k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I used to date three coconuts but had to break up with them

They were a little shy for my liking

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hasdog_willtravel
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
🚨︎ report
Back in my day, we used to cough to cover up a fart.

But nowadays, with Covid, you fart to cover up a cough.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
🚨︎ report
My grandpa used to have a job keeping score at baseball games. Every time someone scored a run, he'd whack up a mark on a chalkboard.

Nowadays you'd call him a scorekeeper, but back then he was a tally whacker.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/redditwhilestoned
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
🚨︎ report
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mama_Bear15
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
What does the Mandalorian use to clean up Baby Yoda's messes?

He uses Bounty [a paper towel brand in the US]

I'm very proud--my teenage son just came up with this one, though I see a few variations when searching through past dad jokes.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tampaillini
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Coach used to tell me I screwed up my drills

I had no impact

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/forrestree
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
🚨︎ report
It used to be free to fill your car tire up with air. Now it coasts 1.50. You know why?

Inflation.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HoshForce
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2019
🚨︎ report
I was at the supermarket and I picked up these little odd shaped onions. When I got home my wife asked should she use them for dinner tonight, I told her "Yes, but they're quite strong so...

...don't use shallot."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/__itsyaboi__
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Before the crash, I use to be a a pretty good stand up comedian

Now I'm a sit down comedian.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/King_Sparky_
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I was reading a history book, and apparently in the middle east there were hundreds of years where nocturnal predator birds used to fly around and ejaculate all over the place. The Arabic people would keep each other up to date on the latest attacks; and so marked the beginning of...

The Owl Jizz Era News.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nutsacktetherball
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
🚨︎ report
What does Darth Vader use to move up and down?

The Elevader.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Marv1236
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend used to get so nervous that he peed his pants every time he had to stand up in his third grade class.

Finally he quit his job as a teacher.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Last night I had a dream that I ate a 50 lb marshmallow.

This morning I woke up and my pillow was gone.

Today is the 13th anniversary of my father passing and this was my favorite joke that he used to tell. Enjoy.

πŸ‘︎ 253
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πŸ‘€︎ u/james-macavoy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
🚨︎ report
My stoner friend used my daily agenda notebook to roll up a joint.

He is now high on my list of priorities.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2018
🚨︎ report
Sisyphus met a neanderthal who amazed him by demonstrating how to use jet fuel to propel the boulder up the hill.

"It's not rock. It science."

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jeromocles
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2020
🚨︎ report
A rabbit used to come up to my front yard every day for food, but hasn’t shown up in a week.

Now it’s just some bunny I used to know.

πŸ‘︎ 188
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Some guy attacked me, but I beat him up and then used him as a human mop.

I totally wiped the floor with that dude.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I hired a firm to create an advertising campaign for me. Their idea was to use workbench clamps to hold the ads up for viewing.

I think that's just bad ad vise.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thebikerdad
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2020
🚨︎ report
A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Used to wake up to birds chirping, but I woke up to this Elon Musk tweet this morning
πŸ‘︎ 202
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FabuPineapple
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2018
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
When I was young, my dad used to throw quarters at my head whenever I acted up.

He said, β€œMaybe this’ll knock some scents into you.”

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Even Ferdinand Feghoot could be outpunned on occasion – but he always rose to the challenge.

There was, for instance, the time he conducted a crew of new S.A.R.H. (Society for the Aesthetic Rearrangement of History -BJ) recruits – all from late twentieth-century Terra – on a training study of Carter’s World, a newly established agricultural colony attempting to support itself by the export of edible nuts. Barely into their second generation, and having yet to show a profit, the colonists were technologically backward. Nevertheless, they showed a surprising ingenuity in the use of their few advantages. It was this resourcefulness that Feghoot was demonstrating to his rookies.

β€œLook at the perfection with which these streets are graded”, exclaimed one student. β€œEarth-moving machinery on this scale is strictly high technology stuff. How can they do it?”

β€œA new alleyway is being constructed, nearby”, said Feghoot. β€œLet us walk that way while I explain.” As they strolled, he told his students that countless centuries before, the Carter’s World system had been inhabited by a now-vanished race of giants. This very planet had served them for a nursery, and among the many artifacts they had left were thousands of childrens blocks, immense and precision-cut. You simply jack one up onto logs, bring it where you want it, put collapsible jacks underneath, snake out the logs, spread soil more or less evenly beneath, and collapse the jacks.

β€œI see”, said the student. β€œIt’s not graded road at all; its a simple hammered-earth base.”

β€œThat’s right,” Feghoot went on smoothly. β€œYou just hit the road jack and don’t come back no mo.”

His students registered dismay and anguish.

β€œIsn’t that right, old-timer?,” Feghoot demanded of an ancient Carterian standing by the mouth of the newly completed alley they had just reached.

β€œAhm afraid not, suh”, said the senior citizen, and the students giggled at Feghoots discomfiture. β€œOh, we used to do it that way, but it was far too much trouble. It’s the soil heah. You see, the very same soil which produced our famous cashews is so high in clay content that a child could roll out a road of it. Then, we simply use a system of lenses to bake it into hardness. Ahve just completed this alley mahself, and ahm just a retired professor of Sports History, much too old and feeble to handle hydraulic jacks.

β€œSo you see,” he finished, eyes twinkling, β€œMah hammered alley is really cashews clay.”

Howls of agony rose from the students, but Feghoot never hesitated. β€œAnd he”, he said, turning to his students, β€œis clearly the gradi

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nomnommish
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife thinks it’s weird that I don’t miss the days when my kids were little and used to wake us up at night.

But I don’t lose any sleep over it.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/djmuhlestein
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Why was the chicken sent to the principles office?

He was caught using fowl language.

(I came up with this, but I'm sure it's been done before)

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/awkunzler
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
My grandfather used to wake up very early every morning to go sailing.

When I asked him why so early, he replied with "the schooner, the better!"

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/armlesshobo
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2019
🚨︎ report
To get a girl, some guys use pick up lines. Others rely on the attraction of their car

So I figure a pick up truck should cover both bases

πŸ‘︎ 72
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πŸ‘€︎ u/td941
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2019
🚨︎ report
A Frog and a Bank Loan

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says $30,000.

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bstie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report
A Frog and a Bank Loan

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says $30,000.

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bstie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Back in my day, you used to cough to cover up a fart

Now with Covid-19, you fart to cover up a cough

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bearwrestler13
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear that New Zealand came up with a new use for sheep?

They now use them for wool

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/beerbellybegone
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
🚨︎ report

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