Regular workers must wear small face shields, while Managers get to use the super-visors.
This comes as little surprise however, as Iceland’s Björk has always been worse than their byte.
Because Watt and Euler don't mix.
I was like, "watt?"
So storytime... My wife and I were talking about my overuse of puns, and food/cheese puns in particularly (that's goud-a but this one's feta, etc.) I ended up drawing a Venn diagram.
The largest circle was my total puns, inside it was a second circle representing food puns, with a third showing cheese puns. I was trying to show that a majority of all of my puns are food related, and many of those are cheese related.
Something like this: http://i.imgur.com/nPdi07H.jpg
My wife immediately told me I did it wrong, that some of the cheese circle was outside of the food puns.
I told her that those are rare, but are often the cheesiest.
But the publisher refused saying they could not publish illegal material. Stupid anti counter fitting laws.
Is that it starts with USA
When my stepson asks 'Can I use the toilet quickly?':
'Let's find out - I'll time you. Go!'
I think he hates me.
x-posted to r/dadjokes
This was my contribution to my daughter's prom tonight.
Posted it to FB and gave my daughter some advice:
[daughter],
Today I learned that ironing is good meditation. While getting your dress ready, I came up with some rules:
Rule 1: Do not sit down in this dress, even (especially!) in a car. Sitting down will cause wrinkles, especially in the buttocks area. Long, 3-mile hikes to the high school can be very romantic.
Rule 2: Do not eat or drink in this dress. For fluids, since your arms will be bare, might I suggest an IV. For solids, have your manservant (aka "date") feed you with a long spoon while you wear one of those full-body aprons like at the barbershop.
Rule 3: Do not dance in this dress. Dancing--especially "touching" dancing--can cause wrinkles. If you really must experience physical contact during the slow dances, your date may grasp non-dress parts of you, such as your forearms or head.
Have fun at your first prom!
Love, Dad
Sons mate: I got 90% for my maths test today.
Me: That's great, what was it about?
Him: Volume
Me: What? I didn't catch that.
Him (slightly louder): Volume
Me: Sorry I couldn't hear you
Him (louder still): VOLUME!
I walk off chuckling to myself while he looks confused.
DEAR NEIGHBOUR:
Hi, Fred, this is Richard, next door.
I've got a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months & have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I'm telling you in this text, & I can't live with myself a minute longer without your knowing about this.
The truth is that, when you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day & night. In fact, probably much more than you.
I haven't been getting it at home recently, & I know that that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can't live with the guilt & hope you'll accept my sincere apology & forgive me.
Please suggest a fee for usage, & I'll pay you.
Regards, Richard
NEIGHBOUR'S RESPONSE: Fred, feeling very angry & betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, & shot Richard, killing him. He went back home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink & sat down on the sofa and calmed down. Fred then looked at his phone & discovered a 2nd text message from Richard.
2ND TEXT MESSAGE:
Hi, Fred.
Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text.
I expect you figured it out & noticed that the darned Auto-Correct had changed "wi-fi" to "wife".
Technology, huh? It'll be the death of us all.
Can someone think up a pun that comes from the phrase "Proper Comma Usage" but also relates to the most popular form of male-member based contraception?
Me: Did you know a quarter pound is sometimes called a german rave?
Wife: What? Really?
Me: Yea! Ounce, ounce, ounce, ounce
Usage: I would like a german rave with cheese, no pickles
Me: Hey dad, how do you [insert random task or activity]?
Dad: Very carefully.
He's been using this reply on me for fifteen years, since I was six years old. As such, it has become a daily usage for me. My girlfriend hates me for it.
