The mayor in my city just passed law that male best friends have to have lunch together at least once a week
Well it’s not a law it’s a mandate
How can I get someone to hang out with me, laugh at each other’s jokes, and maybe share some fun platonic experiences together throughout our lives?
I don’t mean to brag, but I just put a puzzle together in 1 day...
and the box said 2-4 years!
Joe Biden and Kamala Harris go out for a morning run together
Kamala finishes in just under twelve minutes and Joe is already waiting for her at the finish line.
"How'd you do?" she asks him.
"I finished in 10 minutes and 46 seconds. That's got to be a new record among Presidents, right?"
"No" Kamala replies. "Bush did 9:11".
I got a bunch of crows together and tried to teach them how to sing
But it just resulted in a cacawphony
Pre- means before. Post- means after. To use both prefixes together,
A group of ant's working together is called
Lancelot: Men, this is a project where we all need to work together.
Arthur: Unite?
Lancelot: Yes I am.
The cast from Pulp Fiction tested positive with Covid after going camping together:
A pediatric surgeon sewed his kids together as a new form of punishment.
If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.
I know why beer and frog legs go together so well!
Last night I accidentally superglued my thumb and forefinger together...
But don’t worry...it will be ok. 👌🏻
Can you believe that they are still together after all of the crap they have been through?
My co-workers and I would suffer from wrist pain when we would drive through a mountain on our way to work together
We were diagnosed with carpool tunnel syndrome
What kind of glue can you use to hold ice blocks together?
I spent most of the weekend fastening pieces of fabric together for an upcoming project.
Why do EMTs travel together?
Because they're pair-o-medics.
I spent a solid month stitching together old wristwatches to make a belt
It was a waist of time...
I wish I was an expert at tying ropes together
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same..."
"Then you’ll have a match."
Dad: I just put a puzzle together
Dad: I just put a puzzle together. It only took one day. Box says 2 to 4 years
If I ever run a hotel, the free breakfast would be served from 7 tables all pushed together in the middle of the room.
It would be a Pangea breakfast
My friend started a company a few years ago that binds quantities of material together...
What do you call birds that stick together?
My two sons 5&8 are playing Minecraft this morning on survival. They are working hard together to build their mansion. I crossed the room in front of the TV to grab my phone as they are balanced high on a wall constructing a roof. My son screams out, “Dad get out of the way!”
I said, “You’re the ones blocking!”
Christopher Nolan, Leonardo DiCaprio and Matthew McConaughey decide to make a movie together
Nolan says he will direct.
DiCaprio says he will act.
And McConaughey says "I'll write I'll write I'll write"
The devil and a criminal work great together
After all, they have great sin-ergy.
My Wife told our kids they need to get their acts together.
I asked if it would be ok if they gathered their swords instead. She was not amused.
The chances of seeing two together is quite remote.
Pet owner: "Vet , my birds are stuck together."
Vet: "I'm sorry, I don't understand. It's toucan fusing."
A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says says, “Get out. We don’t serve rope in here.” So the rope goes out, cuts itself in two before tying the two sections together. It then pulls out a comb and combs its ends. The rope then walks back into the bar.
The bartender says, “Hey! Aren’t you the rope that I just threw out?”
The rope replied, “No. I’m a frayed knot.”
My daughter asked me, "Why are the two planets coming close together?"
"Well, you see... When two planets love each other they can come together in holy astro nomy."
Dolphin son: Dad, how did you and mom know that you guys are meant to be together?
Dolphin Dad: When we first met,.....we just clicked.
My friend and his girlfriend have been together for 5 years, but I have never heard either of them tell a joke.
They are in a very serious relationship.
CDC just announced that due to COVID people over 5’5 shouldn’t be getting together for the holidays.
I guess only small gatherings are allowed.
two exes were tied together by a string but it broke
guess there was too much tension between them
TIL: Two elephants of the same herd won’t go into the same body of water together at the same time.
It’s because they only have one pair of trunks between the two of them.
What happens when you put a bunch of lads together?
A group of people meet up and eat together every night. But they do not talk about it.
They are part of the bite club
If a programmer could rearrange the alphabet, they'd put U and I together.
User Interface is important to them.
What do you call two crows flying together
What do you call it when the whole neighbourhood has tea together?
I mixed salsa and cheese together and showed my wife...
She wasn’t impressed and just said, “K, so?”
My friend and his girlfriend have been together for 5 years, and I’ve heard neither of them ever tell a joke.
They are in a very serious relationship.
What do you call birds that stick together?
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