The mayor in my city just passed law that male best friends have to have lunch together at least once a week

Well it’s not a law it’s a mandate

πŸ‘︎ 14k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/justin_true_10
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
How can I get someone to hang out with me, laugh at each other’s jokes, and maybe share some fun platonic experiences together throughout our lives?

Asking for a friend

πŸ‘︎ 620
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OK_Compooper
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I don’t mean to brag, but I just put a puzzle together in 1 day...

and the box said 2-4 years!

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BusyPooping
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Joe Biden and Kamala Harris go out for a morning run together

Kamala finishes in just under twelve minutes and Joe is already waiting for her at the finish line.

"How'd you do?" she asks him.

"I finished in 10 minutes and 46 seconds. That's got to be a new record among Presidents, right?"

"No" Kamala replies. "Bush did 9:11".

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Chainsmoker88
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
🚨︎ report
I got a bunch of crows together and tried to teach them how to sing

But it just resulted in a cacawphony

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zaeran
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
🚨︎ report
Pre- means before. Post- means after. To use both prefixes together,

...would be preposterous

πŸ‘︎ 17k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/amar610
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
🚨︎ report
A group of ant's working together is called

Antibodies

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/k8lin70
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
🚨︎ report
Lettuce come together
πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tribelawn
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Lancelot: Men, this is a project where we all need to work together.

Arthur: Unite?

Lancelot: Yes I am.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
🚨︎ report
The cast from Pulp Fiction tested positive with Covid after going camping together:

Tent in Quarantino

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OiTheRolk
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
A pediatric surgeon sewed his kids together as a new form of punishment.

If you can’t beat β€˜em, join β€˜em.

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jay-overthinks
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
I know why beer and frog legs go together so well!

It's the HOPS!

πŸ‘︎ 37
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BastetLXIX
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
🚨︎ report
Last night I accidentally superglued my thumb and forefinger together...

But don’t worry...it will be ok. πŸ‘ŒπŸ»

πŸ‘︎ 535
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Can you believe that they are still together after all of the crap they have been through?

Your buttcheeks

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TwitcherDeath07
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
🚨︎ report
My co-workers and I would suffer from wrist pain when we would drive through a mountain on our way to work together

We were diagnosed with carpool tunnel syndrome

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report
What kind of glue can you use to hold ice blocks together?

igloo

πŸ‘︎ 63
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/eat-rainbows
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I spent most of the weekend fastening pieces of fabric together for an upcoming project.

It was riveting!

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mmmjr16
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
🚨︎ report
Why do EMTs travel together?

Because they're pair-o-medics.

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DoomRulz
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
🚨︎ report
I spent a solid month stitching together old wristwatches to make a belt

It was a waist of time...

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ixnayhombray
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
I wish I was an expert at tying ropes together

but I’m knot

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bagelfaceass
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
🚨︎ report
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same..."

"Then you’ll have a match."

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
🚨︎ report
Dad: I just put a puzzle together

Dad: I just put a puzzle together. It only took one day. Box says 2 to 4 years

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/moiKeshav
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
If I ever run a hotel, the free breakfast would be served from 7 tables all pushed together in the middle of the room.

It would be a Pangea breakfast

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
My friend started a company a few years ago that binds quantities of material together...

He makes a bundle!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call birds that stick together?

Velcrows!

πŸ‘︎ 108
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RudigherJones
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
My two sons 5&8 are playing Minecraft this morning on survival. They are working hard together to build their mansion. I crossed the room in front of the TV to grab my phone as they are balanced high on a wall constructing a roof. My son screams out, β€œDad get out of the way!”

I said, β€œYou’re the ones blocking!”

πŸ‘︎ 16k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Colbosky
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Christopher Nolan, Leonardo DiCaprio and Matthew McConaughey decide to make a movie together

Nolan says he will direct.

DiCaprio says he will act.

And McConaughey says "I'll write I'll write I'll write"

πŸ‘︎ 341
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Cheese_Junky
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
The devil and a criminal work great together

After all, they have great sin-ergy.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WitherLord888
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
🚨︎ report
My Wife told our kids they need to get their acts together.

I asked if it would be ok if they gathered their swords instead. She was not amused.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ranyave
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
The chances of seeing two together is quite remote.
πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HypnotizeD_X
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Pet owner: "Vet , my birds are stuck together."

Vet: "I'm sorry, I don't understand. It's toucan fusing."

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says says, β€œGet out. We don’t serve rope in here.” So the rope goes out, cuts itself in two before tying the two sections together. It then pulls out a comb and combs its ends. The rope then walks back into the bar.

The bartender says, β€œHey! Aren’t you the rope that I just threw out?”

The rope replied, β€œNo. I’m a frayed knot.”

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
🚨︎ report
My daughter asked me, "Why are the two planets coming close together?"

"Well, you see... When two planets love each other they can come together in holy astro nomy."

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/riskable
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Dolphin son: Dad, how did you and mom know that you guys are meant to be together?

Dolphin Dad: When we first met,.....we just clicked.

πŸ‘︎ 52
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend and his girlfriend have been together for 5 years, but I have never heard either of them tell a joke.

They are in a very serious relationship.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
🚨︎ report
CDC just announced that due to COVID people over 5’5 shouldn’t be getting together for the holidays.

I guess only small gatherings are allowed.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BHarcade
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
🚨︎ report
two exes were tied together by a string but it broke

guess there was too much tension between them

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/squintyeyes101
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
🚨︎ report
TIL: Two elephants of the same herd won’t go into the same body of water together at the same time.

It’s because they only have one pair of trunks between the two of them.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/justshtmypnts
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
🚨︎ report
What happens when you put a bunch of lads together?

You get a ladder

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fran_385
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
A group of people meet up and eat together every night. But they do not talk about it.

They are part of the bite club

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/legend_1_am
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
If a programmer could rearrange the alphabet, they'd put U and I together.

User Interface is important to them.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Demented_Sandwich
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call two crows flying together

An attempted murder

πŸ‘︎ 103
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xtilexx
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when the whole neighbourhood has tea together?

SocieTea

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Shryte16
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I mixed salsa and cheese together and showed my wife...

She wasn’t impressed and just said, β€œK, so?”

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ThompsonTom
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend and his girlfriend have been together for 5 years, and I’ve heard neither of them ever tell a joke.

They are in a very serious relationship.

πŸ‘︎ 290
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call birds that stick together?

Vel-Crows

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/reefer_rat
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
🚨︎ report

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